(This is so going to be a battle for the ages! Battle - for - the - ages! I mean, think about it - THE PERFECT PRINCESS OF WRESTLING - THE HOTTEST OF ALL HOTTIES - THE CUTEST OF ALL CUTIES - THE BLONDEST OF ALL BLONDIES - well, except Debbie Harrie - IN A SINGLE MATCH WITH - baby gurl.)

Suddenly, there's a burst of feedback over the PA system, and then "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" by Jet blasts from the speakers. BabyGurl steps between the curtain, wearing a white tank top and a black lycra thong, and black leather motorcycle ankle boots. The male contingency in the crowd is notably appreciative of the league's newest competitor as she struts down the aisle to the ring. Slipping between the ropes, she jumps to the top of a corner and raises both arms into the air, hands clenched into fists, and shouts a war cry to the cheering crowd.

(What a skank that Baby is. I mean - like - who wrestles with her butt hanging out? Hehe - butt. Maybe she did that so I could - um - see - it - ya know - better - for - uh - when - I - um - kick it? Yeah! That must be it! Ok - now they're going to say my name. That means it's almost my turn to walk out to the ring. Do I have my bag? Bag? Bag? Where are you backpack? Oh - hehe - on my back. My backpack is pink and it says - Sissy's Stuff - on it. That's because it's MY stuff. And no one else can touch it. So there!)

The eighties classic "Paradise City" pumps out the big arena speakers. This is the signal for the entrance of Princess "Sissy" Landers.

The young blond walks slowly out from the back and begins a slow and meandering walk to the ring. She stops frequently to shake hands, high five or just generally meet the folks near the aisle. They love her for it. She's a huge fan favorite. Sissy is a toned and athletic looking girl, with her blond hair a little wavy and swaying, as she struts to the ring. Her eyes show a lack on intensity. Like she'd like to be somewhere else. She seems to have little attention focused on the ring. It's almost like she's looking for something more fun to do. Her ring attire is fairly simple, a white Adidas ringer tee, with blue trim and blue Adidas emblem over a black sports bra. Her soffe shorts are black and doubled once at the waist band to make them look tighter around her perfect thighs. The back of the shorts is decorated with white stitched-on letters bearing her personal motto "Kick It Or Kiss It." Her boots are black with white trim and she completes her look with black knee and elbow pads. She also has a pink backpack, with the words "Sissy's Stuff", on the back. She places it in a corner.

As she rolls into the ring and looks around, you get the feeling she's not 100% into the idea of wrestling. The ref can barely keep her focused as the rules are explained. She seems to be only half listening. But the second the instructions are finished, her look changes. She becomes focused and intent. She starts to stretch and gets set for the upcoming match.

(Hehe - once I beat up Baby Fat I'm going to - like - hehehehehehehe. You'll see! Where's a microphone? I want a microphone! Where is it? I want it! Me - me - ME!)

Give me a microphone!

(That's better. Okay - the fuzzy part of the microphone is where you talk.)

Ok - um - Baby - ya know - uh - fat - um - baby - uh - you are going to lose! And - um - ok - after you lose...

Baby Gurl - Yo man, dis biyatch is whack!

(Shut up! Shut up! You can't talk when I'm talking! Babies aren't allowed to talk! That's like - um - natural law! Why is she looking at me like that? I hate when people look at me like that! Sto-op!)

Stop looking at me!

Baby Gurl - You straigh' trippin', yo!

(I hate you so much! Grrrrr! I'm going to make you so sorry for - like - making all these - like - stupid - stupid - people - like - cheer for you! I was a cheerleader! At LSU! Geaux Tigers! They should cheer for me!)

You're a baby! Baby! I hate babies! They - like - always have spit on their faces! And they smell like - uh - poopy! And - um - you're a girl baby! which means - uh - you're not a boy baby! And I hate all babies! Babies are stupid! They don't have - like - muscle control! Or disposable income! And they can't pay taxes! So they're - like - a big drain on society's finite healthcare resources! And you're a Detroit baby! And Detroit is where loser - um - bi - like - skanks - come from! And Bill Laimbeer was bi! Everyone knows that!

Baby Gurl - Let's get it on, biyatch!

(Ughghggh! I think I'll just kick you in your tummy!)

(Hehe - now baby is all - like - walking - but not standing up straight. Her tummy must really hurt. That's because I kicked it. I think I'll grab her hair.)

Baby - Aghghg!

(Yucky gross! Her hair is all - oily - and nasty! You need to use Panteen, baby!)

Wash your hair - um - baby!

(Hehe - I'm pulling on her hair so hard - it must hurt her. That's why she's making that funny sound. It sounds like - a - um - baby sound. It's like - guh - or - gruh. Iunno. But it must mean having her hair pulled hurts. I thought she was some tough gang girl? She's a whimpy baby. Maybe I'll smack her face a few times. That's really - um - what does Aki call it? Oh yeah - part of the mental game!)

*Smack - Smack*

(Now I have - like - um - demeaned you - in public. I have also asserted my dominance. Hehe - I'm a dominatrix. And - if I was flying a plane - I'd be an aviatrix. Hehe - silly - um - baby - Trix are for kids!)

Baby - Uhhhh...

(This move is called a side headlock. It's called that because - um - you are at the side - and in a headlock. Also - I - um - twist my arms - so - uh - hurts your head - and neck - a lot. I bet soon you will say...)

Baby - Uhnnnn...

(Ok - now - when I do this - you go - um - towards the ropes. Then you come back to me and - ooops! I need all my concentration for this dropkick thingy!)

*Thump*

(Perfect 10 Princess Dropkick! Look at baby - on the mat - um - rubbing her chin - and her eyes - hehe - they're all - like - no one's home. Maybe she is using drugs? That could be why her eyes are like that. Only dirty girls use drugs. Like Alice in Wonderland. And Lindsey Locke. Look at her roll on the mat. I must have hurt baby.)

Baby - Ahhhh!

(Up you go. I use your own hair to make you get up - which sucks for me because it means I have to touch your nasty hair again. But oh well - I can wash my hands after this. And I will - believe you me. Ok - now I'll grab both your arms - like this - and stretch back - this is called a standing surfboard! Surf's up - um - baby!)

Hehe - I use double entandre.

Baby - Oh gawd! Oh gawd! Arghghghgh!

(Hey Sister, Go Sister, Soul Sister, Go Sister Hey Sister, Go Sister, Soul Sister, Go Sister He met Marmalade down in Old New Orleans Struttin' her stuff on the street She said "Hello, Hey Joe, you wanna give it a go?" Mmm, Mmm. Itchi Gitchi Ya Ya Da Da Itchi Gitchi Ya Ya Here Mocha-choca-lata Ya Ya Creole Lady Marmalade Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?)

Baby - Bitch! I give! I give!

(Shut up before the ref hears you!)

*Wham!*

Baby - Ugh...

(You are the worst baby ever! If you were still in Detroit - and Ted Nugent was there - he'd - like - make you go to the Motor City Madhouse - until you were cured of your wimp-ness. They use electroshock therapy there. I think I'll kick you while you're down.)

*Boot*

(That's for not knowing how to spell.)

*Boot*

(And that's for interrupting me while I was singing.)

*Boot*

(And that's for not representing for your hometown, sucka! Werd!)

Hehe - you got messed up really bad. You are so not a hardcore gang girl.

(Time for the Sissy Splash. Now I need to really concentrate. Climb to the top rope. Climby - climby. Wow - I can see the back row from here. Ok - size up baby. Got it. And - JUMPY TIME!)

*Pump once*

*Pump twice*

*KABLAHMOWEE!*

(I love doing that. Flight is liberating. Hey - maybe I am an aviatrix. Now I'll just rest my arm on baby's chest - count Mr. Referee man.)

Uno

Dos

Tres.

(Hehe - they must outsource the referee.)

I Win! I win!

(Ok - what was it I was going to do to Baby after - oh yeah! Where's my backpack? Not on my back. Duh. Oh yeah - there it is. Wow - baby stinky is really out of it. She smells like poopy. All babies do. It's a good thing I brought this stuff in my backpack. Hehe - time to play dress up. First we have this little baby dress. Over the arms - over the head - wow! It fits baby perfectly. It's so precious - it's all pink and has Winnie The Pooh on it. Next we'll take these skank boots off baby. She's moving!)

*Smack*

(And stay down while I'm playing dress up! Ok - now we put this - um - diaper on baby. Hehe - old women wear these. And now I'll put these little pink booties on baby. One - and two. She looks so sweet. But she'll look even sweeter with the bonnet on. Just tie it under the chin. Bingo! Ok - let's check our work.)

Hehe - just like a sleepy baby. Um - Mr. Referee man?

Si?

Does she look like a baby to you?

�Esto est� totalmente sin llamar para y quisiera que usted lo parara ahora!

(Whatever. That must mean he likes it. Now - ok this is the part I came up with on my own. I'm going to drag baby out of the ring - hehe - all the fans get to look at her being paraded around dressed as a baby. That must be - um - humiliating. Well - ok - if I hadn't kicked her butt so badly that she was sleeping - she'd think it was humiliating. Maybe - um - when she wakes up - she'll see this on tape - and go - ohmygawd I am so humiliated! I wonder if her mommy and daddy are watching this? She should have been nicer to me. Here we go - now I just take out these nice new handcuffs - and put one on this safety rail - and the other on baby's wrist! Bingo! Now baby has to stay there all night - and everyone will be all like - look at the baby!)

Hehe - that man poured beer on her. He looks like Ted Nugent.

(This was hard work. I gotta pee.)

(fin)