Amsterdam Rules Pool

Concept arrived November 2001 By Dan Conquest and Jon Lyons

(Ez was sleeping!!! Ahh bless!)

 

 

After a long cold wander through the bustling streets of Amsterdam being harassed for drugs money and in Jons case anal sex! The three of us arrived at the safe confines of our youth hostel, deep in the heart of the red light district, (we only got slightly lost, inadvertently touring the main sites of the city) Next door to some attractive, oriental looking, scantily clad ladies offering massages and more (ooh the temptation!!). An odd place to find a Christian run youth hostel. A place we called our home for nearly a week (it was cheap!)

The build up for the week had been a bit odd, after a sudden decision to re enter the world of education and an unprecedented lack of funds on my part. A decision to go to Amsterdam a month into my course seemed another spur of the moment decision. Not only this but I had recently bumped into an old friend who I used to work with. We now occasionally saw each other around college and soon were good friends again (if this all seems a bit patchy that’s because it was at the time a series of things that happened many unrelated but all very important.). Kung fu became a fad of mine that lasted all of a couple of months; the big turning point was nearly fracturing a bone in my arm in a freak warm up exercise. My frikkin arm went black dude!!!! After spending several hours at Kingston A&E I was told that it was just very badly bruised. I was very disappointed! To add to the mix my re-found friend sent me a text telling me how she felt about me. Now normally I would jump for joy be happy and whisk her off to a romantic candlelit dinner at pizza hut! (remember I was broke!!) but not the day before I flew to Amsterdam! No reply to the text from me!!!

 

Amsterdam - airport

Ez, Jon and myself arrived early in the country and went straight for passport control. Ez wanted her passport stamped and to our amusement we heard the first English words in a                         accent  “Of Course” this, along with “for sure” became catchphrases for the trip accent an’ all.

 

XXX Youth Hostel 

On our arrival a Spanish gentleman greeted us with blood pouring from his face trying to kick seven shades of shit out of a second man who he claimed had punched him. As the crimson mess began to coat the floor there became a need to lift our now heavy bags. The worried smiles of the receptionist telling us that this sort of thing didn’t happen everyday, we believed her but where a little intimidated by the two armed policeman that entered the hostel to try and resolve the conflict. Things quietened down quickly after that.

After checking in or at least persuading them that we had booked (they had no record of us and a night in a park was not appealing!) we threw our bags into our lockers and headed back out into the November cold.

 

Ez had an urgent need to go to a museum that had been recommended to her by a friend of hers. The Sex museum was subtly placed on the main road from the station with a big neon light projecting the name of the museum on the pavement, a few doors down from ‘Hooters Amsterdam’ (how much were we gonna love this city!) After confidently strolling up to the ticket office we entered the world of sex. Had Ez known some of the contents of this fine museum I think we would have ended up at Top shop or Virgin Megastore for the afternoon instead. Animatronic figures came on windows, flashed passers by and generally scared the hell out of visitors. Other rooms contained porn through the ages and Jon had to examine the images very intensely. After Jon came back from the toilet Ez and myself realised we had been sitting on giant penis shaped seats waiting for our travel companion. Slightly disturbed by this we admired some paintings and drawings of a sexual nature, Jon then returned to the toilet.

There was one more room to enter, a room we would regret entering but were too tempted not to. The words extreme, warning and beware enticing us more. Lining the walls of this room were pictures of sexual positions, sexual positions involving horses, dogs (TWO DOGS DAMMIT!), chains, fists and a man who’s manhood would lay on the floor while he kneeled on the bed (it was still attached if you were wondering!!) Oh my god scared but in hysterics we exited the museum, myself and Jon taking ten minutes to once again walk normally, and not hunched over!! Ez nearly crying.

 

The Café and Amsterdam at night. 

 

You know what they saw ‘when in Rome . . . . .’ well, when in Amsterdam you have to take advantage of their hospitality, friendliness, and of course their plants!!!! Ez was not having the day her way, first the sex museum and now Jon and I dragged her into a sweetly smelling café to relax. Failing to heed the warnings of my aunt, Jon and I proceeded to purchase something to smoke. After several awkward moments making sure there were no police about we remembered that it was legal. We decided that it was “Damn good shit” when we couldn’t quite make sense of anything anymore and everything was extremely funny. We were then escorted out of the café by Ez who had decided that she was going to do something she enjoyed today even if it killed her (how right she could have been) Jon and I don’t really remember touring Amsterdam’s less hospitable sights that night. I remember snippets of canals, people in shadows, bright neon lights, a rather amusing picture of a young woman having sex on a stage with a what appeared to be a dog (they like their dogs!!) and laughing a great deal but if you asked me where we went exactly I couldn’t tell you though we did arrive back at the hostel with all our possessions and lives!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DRINK, ARSE, CANALS

 

After our big adventure that I can’t really remember the night before the three of us took to the waterways on a canal trip through the picturesque streets. A restful morning as we recognised places we might have been the night before. Our cameras snapping away as we powered away across the waves. Little be known to me I was losing circulation in my leg (I was sitting on it) therefore when we came to leave I stood up and fell immediately to the wet floor of the boat, nice!!

Another recommended visit was to the Heineken brewery after eventually discovering the large building we discovered that it was closed that day. Typical! I needed a drink and was in need of a beer!!

Evening came and the draw of the fairground parked up in one of the main squares proved too much. Overcoming my problem with heights we ventured onto the big wheel. It was quite nice at first until it stopped at the top and the car started swinging in the wind. Risking becoming attached to the metal rails we held on tight and prayed to go back down. We rejoiced as we descended to the ground and once again needed a change of underwear when the owner of the ride decided to spin our car like a waltzer as we re-ascended the wheel.

Exiting the ride after what felt like an hour we headed home and slept!

 

Windmills and Amsterdam rules pool (at last)

 

We had to see windmills at any cost and today was the day, we were going in the afternoon. We had four hours to fill. Ez decided the best use of her time was to sleep. Jon and I decided a few games of pool were called for. We had enough for three games and four hours to fill we were going to have to have long games. 5 mins later and we had finished our first game! 15 minutes after that and we were about to start our final game, several times we had been asked to join a Bible study group that was going to take place in 15 minutes by several different people. Drastic action had to be taken.

Enter Cockney Dave!! Cockney Dave is a character not a real person, basically its me putting on a cockney accent and talking in a way similar to Al Murray as the Pub Landlord and Johnny Vaughn. Quickly Jon took on his role also as Cockney Dave we had clones. We were suddenly in a dirty East end pub smoking heavily and drinking hard (only in our minds!!)

The balls were racked up the cue ball was on its spot we were ready. Ready to begin a new game, invent a new game, we were about to give birth to AMSTERDAM RULES POOL! (my god we are genius’)

It was simple really a set of obscure rules totally unrelated to the game we were playing and another set of rules followed parallel to the other rules. (Confused yet!) The rules are as follows –

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AMSTERDAM RULES POOL

 

Vocal rules (must be said in a manly cockney accent):

 

1. Blame it on Bill (he has a van, he can get you anything!)
2. Never follow through
3. Duck
4. Never ever forget rule 8, ever!
5. You thought of it you did it
6. Never expect anything
7. Be prepared
8. See rule 4
9. LEAVE IT!!!!
10.  Oi

        (More to come)

 

 

	After you have played nearly a full game of pool and you are both on the black. There is one simple rule. Whoever pots the black loses! The only way to hit the ball is also to bounce the ball off two cushions before striking the ball.
Another important rule is that the cue ball can only be hit diagonally across the table. As if the table is split into quarters.
		If the ball falls on a central position the cue ball must be place into the nearest pocket and “too Central” called by the player. To begin play again the cue ball must be randomly thrown onto the table and played from where it lies.

How to Play!!  

 

 

 

Tune in soon for more rules and the conclusion of  Amsterdam.