As the young, slender woman awoke that morning she felt a warm hand across her breasts. She looked at a nearby clock with her half-closed eyes and noticed that it was 7 in the morning. She remembered where she was and what she did that night. Her partner was still sleeping peacefully, his lower body covered by the bed sheets. She gently removed his hand and placed it on the bed, slowly got up, still naked and reached for her clothing on the floor. She dressed quickly. Before she left the apartment, she took a long look at her still sleeping partner's face and smiled. Then, she opened the door and left quietly.

She hurried down the corridor and reached for the elevator button. As she waited by the silver doors, she recalled that night...

Are you sure...?
Yes, please.

It was nice, wasn't it?
She thought as she smiled.

But then again Susan, you know how's it like. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am.

She folded her arms by her chest and almost didn't register it when the lift arrived. She stepped into the empty cubicle and pushed 'G'. She kept thinking:

Sure, all men are like that, right? Once you give them what they want, they chuck you away like an old rag.
an old rag
an OLD rag.
am I an OLD rag?
I'm 28 years old for Goddammit!

The lift reached the Ground floor of Pandemonium Apartments. She could see around her the lush potted greenery that encircled every wooden pillar in the building. The ceiling had a large chandelier that hung over the main floor. The white marble floor was dutifully mopped everyday by the building's faithful janitor. A security guard who doubled as a doorman stood at attention in his smart uniform at the main door, where the door handles were made of polished brass. Susan calmly walked past the doorman as he opened the door for her. She felt the warm, comforting sunrays upon her skin. She walked out of Pandemonium Apartments' main gates towards the cafes nearby.

Susan fished her sunglasses out of her handbag and continued to walk by the cafes until she came up to a LottaBucks, a local coffee franchise.

Coffee...hmm...I could go for a cup now...
She thought.

She sat down by one of the tables outside and waited. She didn't bother to look at the menu on the table; she ate here so often that she could state all the menu's items in order. Soon, a pimply-faced teenager wearing a white T-shirt and green apron with the LottaBucks logo came up to her, pencil in one hand and a small notebook in the other.

"Good morning Miss, may I take your order?" he said in a nasal-like voice.
"Yes please. I would like to have a croissant with ham and cheese, and one tall latte with skim milk."
"Anything else?"
"No, thanks."

The pimply-faced waiter jotted something down before nodding to her and heading towards the kitchen inside. She looked at the sparrows in the trees and thought again of her life, and Steven...

How long have I been dating Steven? Five months? Hmm...that's about the same time I dated that jerk, Andrew, before he...touched me there and took me for a ride. Bastard. Hope he liked it when I kneed him in the balls. And to think I fell in love with that insensitive prick. Five months. For five fucking months I dated him before I actually allowed him to make love to me. Make love? There wasn't any love in him. Next morning, he wanted to dump me! Good thing I was on the pill. Hah! I wouldn't want to raise a bastard like him.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the waiter who placed the croissant on a plate and positioned it next to the caffé latte before leaving. The latte looked tempting, teasing her senses with its deep brewed musky flavour, reaching her nostrils. She took a sip of her drink before nibbling at her croissant. She took a look at her wristwatch. It was nearly 8 a.m. A few cars whizzed by on the road and the morning sun felt hot against her skin. Already.

And before Andrew...who else? There was Alvin, Soon, David and Kim: all just wanted the same thing.

Sex.

Male Chauvinistic Pigs: hope they all rot in hell.

Men. Hmph. They're all the same. The same bastards, the same denials, the same excuses...

"I'm sorry but..."
"Look, it was just a...."
"Excuse me, but who are you...?"

Who am I? Am I just another toy for men? To be played around with and then thrown away after I've outlived my usefulness?

Susan sipped her caffé latte and took another bite from the half-eaten croissant.

Hmm...am I clean? I think so. Last month's report said I'm clean so thank God for that. Better watch it though, who knows who's got what nowadays.

She stopped eating as she noticed a young teenage couple walking together, hand-in-hand on the sidewalk. They were laughing together at something the young man had said. The girl held his arm tightly as her head rested on his shoulder.

Ah...young love. How I wish I could relish that moment. It was so simple that time, wasn't it? A few laughs, a few kisses and you think you're in love. Roses, dates, love letters: every single thing he gave became meaningful to the young woman. Well, grow up kid. Soon, your mate will dump you and then what? Cry your heart out and then cuddle with a few close sympathetic friends. Don't forget to stock up on tissues. You're going to need them for a week.

She continued to eat her croissant. The cafe latte was beginning to feel lukewarm. She took another sip. The caffeine slowly seeped into her veins.

But then, there was Steven. Where did I meet him? Hmm...I think it was at some boring function for some company. He was sweet, introduced himself like a perfect gentleman, not like Andrew, Billy, David, or even Sam. A few drinks, exchanged phone numbers and left. He even called me later that night to make sure I arrived home safely. If only more men were like him. After that: dates, dinners, movies, dances... But he never kissed me, was he shy? Or was it something else?

The plate before her was empty. She called for the pimply-faced waiter and asked for the bill. While waiting, she finished her coffee, took a piece of tissue from her handbag and dabbed at her lips. The waiter returned. Susan paid the bill and left him a tip. Then she got up and walked towards the skyscrapers.

But last night was special, wasn't it? He invited me for dinner, a home-cooked dinner at that, and then we danced slowly to the soft sounds of Richard Marx. Our warm bodies close together, hands entwining. Then, we got closer and I kissed him for the first time. He seemed shocked, but soon followed me. The gentleness and tenderness he put into his kisses were wonderful.

And then...

Did we make love?

Love.

Hmm...

What is love?

Was it love when he called me every night to make sure I returned safe after every date? Or when I was sick the other time and he popped over and boiled me a bowl of chicken soup? Is that love? Was it love when he didn't force me to sleep with him last night until I was the one who wanted to be with him?

*sigh*

I've fallen in and out of love so many times that I don't know what's love anymore...

Her head was beginning to pound. She massaged her forehead vigorously.

Dammit. I've got a headache. Must have been that damn latte. Too much caffeine. Shit, I gotta take a break.

She paused for a moment. She looked behind her, feeling the gentle breeze playing coyly with her hair. Pandemonium Apartments could still be seen towering among the many tall skyscrapers that plagued KL City. Scores of people started to pack the sidewalk. To her right, KL tower stood high next to Petronas Twin Towers. From the horizon, a plane was soaring into the sky, carrying hundreds of tourists that would snap away with their cameras as soon as they landed at the airport. Buses and taxis whizzed by, KL City was alive again that morning.

"Lai ya!"

Susan's head turned instinctively to her right and saw an old woman nearby, crouching on the pavement. Her face was painted with wrinkles and crows' feet as a few strands of white hair covered her eyes. She wore a thin straw hat which shaded her from the now almost searing heat of the sun. She had a blue-grey Cheongsam draped on her thin, frail body. Around her were small clear plastic bags filled with flaky, blackish leaves. As people walked by, she hollered 'Lai ya! Tah teh yoh! Lai, Lai, Lai!' *. A couple of housewives crouched down to inspect the packages. They eyed it with discretion, picking up the bags and sniffing the bags. One reached into her pockets for money to pay the old lady.
*Come! Dried tea leaves for sale! Come, come, come!

Gingerly, Susan made her way towards the old woman and asked,

"Qing wen, yi bao duo sao?"
"Ah...liang kuei zhi yi..."
"Excuse me, how much for one bag?"
"Ah...only 2 Ringgit"

She squatted down and picked up one of the bags of tea in front of her and brought it close to her nose. She took a deep breath, breathing in the strong aroma the tea leaves presented. Rich. Bitter. Memories of her past started to flood her mind: her grandmother fixing her tea and Yap Seng Crackers whenever she returned from kindergarden in the afternoon; the late nights when she had to cram for her high school and uni exams with a pot of Tea prepared by her mother by her side; the lonely nights she spent consoling herself with a cup of tea after breaking up with her first major crush on the guy next class. The zen-like nature and calmness that tea gave her in the past all started to come back. She remembered.

Susan reached for her wallet in her handbag.

"Qing gei wo liang bao"
"Kam siah, xiao jie" said the old woman as she handed the two bags of tea leaves to Susan, in a purple plastic bag.
"Please give me 2 bags"
"Thank you, young lady"

She stepped away from the old woman who continued to holler out for people to buy tea leaves. More prospective customers stopped by. Traffic was getting heavier on the streets. Susan's view of the woman was soon became obscured by the scores of people moving about, hurrying to make their way to the offices. All she could make out of the tea seller was her never-faltering voice which was still firm and strong. She clutched the bags of tea leaves as her headache faded.

When I get home tonight, I'll make a nice cup of hot tea. I need a break from coffee.

She smiled to herself.

And then I'll wait for his call...

She was soon part of the bustling crowd.





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