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hey there everyone.... sorry for all this anger i've had of late. maybe it is just teenage angst that is finishing itself off i don't know. well i cannot be such a moron about my life anymore i guess. or at least i cannot let myself be so down about everything. for you all know how beautiful life really can be and if not then i hope you get to see it someday. my face still feels as though it melts and runs off of every plate i have ever served my heart upon... like food that is waiting for the mold decay and emptiness that comes with never existing for oneself. i don't think any of you get that at all but it doesn't matter. know that i still love you all... some more than others... but we won't go there. i'm so tired of lying to myself to feel some fake sense of security... so here i am eh. watch as i strip myself down.... piece by brittle piece. watch as i struggle between youth and maturity... watch as i fucking die inside myself and all my dreams... watch as they crumble... watch as i crumble. idr right? infiltrate destroy rebuild. i think well i had already known this for some time now, but this is what i must do... i d r. but not just my world around me but my attitude my apperance my choices my whole foundations need to be restablished before i can move on to this next piece of life... i guess you could say. you know i don't ask for much these days.... nothing of people at least... but god it wouldn't hurt to pick up a phone and give somebody a call would it? but fuck it you know i guess i was right on that one at least that i was going to find out who my true friends are going to turn out to be. maybe i'm still wrong i hope i'm still wrong but i fear i may not be... and you know thats ok. hmm whats that i hear now... you left us... blah blah blah. yeah so what... like any of you probably care in the end... i'm sure you all do though... and i'm just being my usual overdramatic self. which in any case that is what it is. it just hurts sometimes to think that people don't give a damn anymore... or at least so it seems. i bet none of you knew that more than a few times recently people have saved my lives... and in this case i want to be direct and say thanks for your shitty god damn no good help... you'd all rather see me dead anyways wouldn't you? fuck who am i kidding so would i... for the few people that are still there for me... and won't let me give up at all... i thank you to no end... i cannot even express my graditude that i have for you... for the most part the graditude i have for you all and any impact you have given my life. good or bad... it doesn't matter much to me anymore.... oh yeah hey i'm still alive you know. BUT DO ME A FAVOR IF YOU LIKE CONSIDER ME FUCKING DEAD FOR I AM NO MORE THAN A MERE VISION OF WHAT ANY OF YOU HAD... to the few who still have what they were presented by myself... fucking keep your fingers dug in well... please don't ever let go... if i lose you i don't know what i have at all.... oh shit i do nothing. whatever though i just want to say in the end that i am sorry for the anger but things hurt people hurt I HURT... you know what i mean... i know you do... all of you. hmm well i'm done now for i would like to go back to sleep.... ah sleep and slumber <?> the one form of relaxation i have left.
in closing i just want to go to say.... i'm a picker, i'm a grinner, i'm a lover and i'm a sinner... i play my music in the sun... i'm a joker, i'm a smoker, i'm a midnight toker... i get my lovin' on the run....
joshie c
ps. you're the cutest thing that i ever did see i really love your peaches wanna shake your tree.... (hmm how do i do this one... well this part of that song made me think pink there we go that will work...)
p.p.s. i don't know about you guys but steve miller kicks fucking my ass over and over and makes me smile when i'm down... kinda like you... |
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