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| JUNE 14TH 2004 |
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| hmm , so hey... where do i start... well no where, i guess. i mean shit you're fucking right beyond belief. i can see why i truly confuse you... being that i am nothing but contradictions of myself and what i'm supposed to stand for. but you know thats ok with me... i still have a life time to work that out right? well anyhow don't feel sad for me... i'm not quite as happy as i wish i could make you all think... but i'm not quite as unhappy as i try to make you think. yeah sure you know you all still give a fuck.... if so where are you. its not about "the family" for me anymore... no offense. i love you all to fucking death.... but shit is too fucked for me to continue something that has died for me, in a sense. i feel no significant importance anymore... i feel no purpose or reason to forge lies for myself anymore... BE HONEST: "DID ANY OF YOU REALLY CARE OR DO YOU REALLY CARE AS MUCH AS YOU PRETEND TO?" if so please let me know... i'm on my last strand of anything to life... yes i know i recently had a job which i quit quickly but you know that doesn't matter its not where i feel i should belong flipping burgers... or moreso feeding them through a machine. but fuck that... i want you all to sit back and ask yourself do you care as much as you say you or as much as i try to hide the fact that i really do care. you know i'm nothing without any of you i'm nothing without a past.... none of us are. but in the end my tasks are done here.... there is something else calling... i can't explain... maybe someday but not now... if any of you feel differently about this... then please tell me other wise don't bother speaking to me.... not anymore than i would speak to you. for it only pains me to think that you have all forgoten why i exist in the first place.... NOT FOR MYSELF DO I EXIST, BUT I RATHER EXIST FOR ALL OF THOSE I COULD HAVE EVER CARED FOR.... keep this in mind everyone.... next time you question me... next time you tell me i'm dumb for my choices.... or try to show me that i still matter to you but obviously cannot.... realize and know that i only existed for you in the first place... and now i sit and ponder WHAT LITTLE PIECES OF THIS CONSTRUCTED AND UNDERMINED PUZZLE I HAVE LEFT... to find happiness in these bits and pieces will be a miracle. if i come out of any of this with any form of dignity it will be a blessing.... but for the most part i am dead... i want you all to consider me dead... comeon... one last time... fucking disconnect me... tell me how worthless i am to all of you now.... this is all i need one last stab to the back. hmmm i guess you can't do that though.... what would it weigh too hard on your conscience.... TO FINALLY KILL OFF YOUR LAST DYING JESTER... for me nothing matters anymore.... i find solitude in this silence this death this loss of faith in humanity and everything that anything ever meant to begin with.... joshie c p.s. in case you would like to know... just because this is angry doesn't mean the anger is straight or rather directed at you necessarily... though there are focal points this is basically the way i feel about my whole enviroment, society, and life all together.... please plEASE PLEAAASE don't take this personally thank you. |
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