| may 17th 2004 |
| hey um this is a new day... eh... i don't know why i'm still updating this site nobody comes here anyways but fuck it. i recently took me a nice vacation you could say i guess not really but more like i've finally given myself a little time to think. you know its good this thinking clearer. i know that i can now overcome things that i couldn't before... and though at the same time i feel that people have given up on me i feel like they are still there to fall back on and are starting to realize that i'm not as dumb as i may be percieved. i don't know maybe i'm wrong and i probably am. but all that matters now is that i can at least think halfass straight now... and that i know where i lie with myself. i know what i have to do in life. not necessarily where it is going but i have a basic sketch in my mind you know what i mean? fuck i'm tired of life... i'm 19 yrs. old and i feel like i'm dying... but not as much anymore for my mind is slightly a little more cured... my heart still gushing blood but hardened in a sense... and i'm ready for war. maybe not physical war don't get me wrong but you know what i mean. i like how now i can actually sit back and evaluate things and enjoy them. well mostly... its good that i can enjoy life again. and the fact that i may sound like a complete idiot doesn't bother me... well it does but fuck what you gonna do? all i know is i feel good and i know i may say some things and be overdramatic about them but that is just it. i don't have to be that way. and the fact that if people don't give me shit or treat me the way i have been so accustomed to, i can control myself and not hide my true face, is one of the greatest things i have ever realized. fuck i'm starting to babbel now. anyhow i love you all and i hope you enjoy the monkies... i wasn't what i was, until i was what i wasn't joshie c |