howtowashacat

If neither of these methods work, try the 5 step guide to washing one of our furry little friends, without risking life, neither yours nor the lives of anyone who happens to be stupid enough to volunteer to help you with such a monstrous task:

You will need:
- A cat (obviously).
- A good friend (one who will sacrifice his/her life for you).
- 200 meters of band aids.
- Patience, and the mentality of a kamikaze pilot.
- Immediate access to a good doctor/plastic surgeon/psychiatrist.
- 5-6 SWAT team cops (or Navy SEALS if you prefer).
- A strong death wish

Getting Started.
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First, here are a couple of things you should know about cats, before you start:

1.Cats hate water about as much as you hate getting your face torn to shreds by frantic cat claws.

2. Cats do not care whether you survive or not. They have little or no respect for human life in general. A cat will, without any hesitation or remorse, tears your eyeballs out, or removes all the skin off your body.

3. Although you have the advantage of size, the little bugger WILL use any dirty tricks he can think of, so should you.

4. Do not expect to outsmart your little feline friend, as it is a well known fact that any cat is smarter than any person who is dumb enough to try to bathe one.

Ok, now you should be somewhat prepared for the task that lies ahead, although, you should be aware that no man could ever really be prepared for the ultimate test of manhood, cat bathing.

STEP 1
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Take your cat under your arm, nonchalantly, like it was just to pat him a little, make sure that the cat has no idea of your foul intentions, you can control this by putting your ear next to the cat's throat and making sure that the cat shakes kinda like the strange banana you found in mom's bedroom. If there is a soft purrrrring sound, you are safe. If the cat just stares at you with a suspicious look... DROP THE STINKER AND RUN!

STEP 2
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Wait a couple of hours, until the animal is sound asleep, and go in for a surprise attack. Sit down next to him and start talking to him, patting him carefully on the tummy (NOTE: some cats do not like to be touched on that particular spot, you should know if your cat is one of 'em, check your hands, face, arms, shoulders, legs, back, groin and/or butt for scars to make sure). Keep this up until the cat has started purrrrring. Put your soul in to it, or else the cat will know that foul play is involved. Remember the cat has nine lives to spend, while you have but one. If you have to spend the next two days assuring your wife that you love her just as much as the cat, you know you did a good job.

STEP 3
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Redecorate the bath to make it look like a kitty heaven, cats have an instinct, you see. Even a cat that has never seen the inside of a bath will instinctively know what is going on when you take him into a bathroom. This is known as "predestinate water syndrome" and has also been observed on young human specimen. Take the cat in your hands, and start running for the bathroom. You should hire professionals to open/close the doors for you, or else you will fail miserably. Navy SEALs should be a good help here. Try opening a door with a rabid kitty in your hands, and you'll see what I mean.

STEP 4
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a) Try to throw cat into bathtub.
b) Remove cat from scalp.
c) Consider getting a new cat.
d) Push cat into tub.
e) Go see a doctor to stop bleeding from hands and face.
f) Consider getting a new cat.
g) Put duct tape on cat's claws.
h) Get friend to hold cat while pouring water on him.
i) Remove duct tape from inner ear, and remove cat from friends' reproductive organs.
j) Consider getting a new cat.
k) Tie cat's legs together with dental floss threads, get friend to help holding the cat down while soaping him up.
l) Remove Dental floss from anal opening, remove slippery cat from friends face (NOTE: Very hard).
m) Consider getting a new cat.
n) Get four Navy SEALs to help hold cat's paws, while you try to dry him with a towel.
o) Pay for Navy SEALs' bills from the plastic surgeon
p) Consider getting a new cat.
q) Open door to let cat go lick himself dry.
r) Go see a psychiatrist (by now, you will need it).
s) Consider getting a dog.

STEP 5
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Nobody has ever reached this far, but if you do, call Guinness book of records.

Congratulations, your cat is now clean, although you now look like something one would normally cook for dinner.

     Click the kitty to go
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METHOD #2: FLUSH 'N FLUFF

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
   CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

   Sincerely,
   The Dog

METHOD #1: CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART

1. Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

2. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

3. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

4. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

5. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

6. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.

7. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.