Crazy Carl's Column O Stuff
Thoughts by Crazy Carl
Disclaimer: Pamphlets are available at the front gate entrance
Well, I see Tyler has been very busy. I am very pleased to see that he has made a web page in my honour. Unfortunately in my time, that page is full of banners supporting my 24 beer a day habit. It is full of MP3 downloads and broken ROM links, most people don't listen to commercial jingles anymore, so there is basically nothing to do on it. Oh well.
Tyler recently asked me to explain the "Origins of Crazy Carl". At first, I denied his request, as I am only a possible future self, and telling him anything could endanger my existence and create some kind of paradox that would rip open time and space. After a quiet moment of reflection, I realized that Tyler is heading down the right path as is, his sanity is quickly fleeting from him the way his life is going anyhow.
Well the best start to begin is in the start of the whole mess, so I will start a few days after that. I was officially "born" shortly after Tyler had celebrated his one year of employment after graduating from DeVry. He had created a very successful business in the software industry programming video games and business applications. He had survived Microsoft's numerous attempts to buy him out or crush his market, but Tyler was a very creative man, and always was one step ahead of those bastards. Tyler, along with his plucky crew, had developed a new type of modeling that allowed him to create perfect life like 3D characters. Life was great, until that fateful day that the straw broke the camel's back.
It was Tyler's 25th birthday, he was all alone at his office working on some rather revolutionary code. He went over to his fridge, which was full of various chemicals and beer, to grab a frosty one to celebrate his quarter century monument. Just when he was about to close the door a giant surge of power, from a accidental 5th grade science experiment that was being done by a boy two blocks away, hit his office's electrical system and zapped Tyler through the metal fridge handle he was about to let go of. The chemicals reacted with the energy and the beer. The computers added an extra special zing of craziness to it, as what Tyler was working on nobody knows not even me, the data was wiped clean after the incident. Ever since then I have been able to run faster than the speed of light. Oops, wait that's The Flash, sorry I get mixed up sometimes.
Now let's see if I can get the right tale. Ah yes, it was back when Tyler was watching the final episode of Friends. (WARNING SPOILER AHEAD!) It was a rather good episode, Rachel was having Chandler's baby, and Ross was dying during Alaskan dig he was doing. Joey had become a pimp and made a major move by using his sister's as whores. At the end, Bruce Willis couldn't stop the asteroid even with Superman's help. Everyone in the world loved the ending as they were quite fed up with the whole show and were glad to see them die a horrible death. Tyler, who had always been a fan, was not so happy. This was the only thing he had to look forward to in his day-to-day toiling. His Nintendo Ultra 256 had been stolen by his ex-girlfriend. His cat Dum Dum had recently died from the water in Anderson Lake. Beer had gone up three dollars. "Wackass shit" was no longer cool to say. Now to top it all off, his show was going off the air with no repeats to air. Tyler snapped and I took over. I had been that voice in his head that he always joked about.
Now that I was in charge, I made a few changes. I bought a nicely furnished cave near the coast of New Guinea. The company was put in charge of an android that I had made to replace me. I changed my name, and begin the life of a playboy that I deserved. I wandered the globe as a new age religious figure head for a while. After I was done with that, I assassinated the Queen and I started a massive sales company that wiped out Amway. (This of course pissed off an old friend of mine, he was almost a thousand-aire and a double diamond seller. I felt a little remorse for this and employed him as my personal driver. Of course later on I realized I no longer had a conscience and I fired him then had him frontal lobotomized so he could not reveal my true identity.) After that, I hired one thousand midgets with spoons to fill in the Panama Canal. The UN never tried to stop me because airships had been around for a long time. Ships were never used since the oceans of the world had been turned into Jell-O from somebody's attempt to get into the Guinness Book of Records. (His name was Dave, and everyone in the future curses his name in anger.) Well eventually I had everything on my list of things to do. Mel had died many years ago from complaining about the cold too much. Alan had eaten an expired cat. Jon learned about the ebony beauties. I was bored and had nothing to do. Well, boredom always did make me creative and I invented a way to have my brainwaves to be sent through time into some other person's head and have that person's thoughts travel to me in my time also. The future looked bleak, but I had always loved my days when I was younger. I decided to send messages to my own head in the past. The rest is history? literally I guess.
Of course, I now realize that the voice in my head was actually me in the future. I never did realize this until after my inventions. Of course Tyler could stop listening to me, but I also have control over what he says now too. My birth is inevitable, and Tyler hasn't been that successful in blocking me completely. Oh what a tangled web we weave. All this talk has made me a hankering to watch Back to the Future 6 anyway. I am so out of here.
Copyright Tyler Saunders (2000)