Crazy Carl's Column O Stuff
Thoughts by Crazy Carl
Disclaimer: Splits decisions break me in two, thank god for Kool-Aid (TM)
Life has been rather hectic lately. My counterpart, the Jeckell to my Hyde, has been up to something. As to what, I am only getting glimpses, as he is getting better at keeping me at bay. Well he's not perfect yet, but good enough to keep me confused and in the dark. That boy is up to no good, either that or he is smartening up a bit. Either way, I don't like it. I have been spending a lot of my time in my world, and this has been my first chance to report what I have been up to.
As some of you may remember, last time I had discovered that my old nemesis Ian was back at his old tricks. (I also found out that Newfies don't take kindly to a few harmless shots that were only inserted for effect. We at Crazy Carl Inc. fully apologize for any misunderstandings.) Well, needless to say Ian appeared again in the view of my sights, just while I was enjoying a well needed vacation.
I had been spending my time along the grand beaches of Anderson Lake, situated near the jolly villa of Saltcoats, Saskatchewan. One of the main tourist attractions there is the daily wild beaver full contact miniature underwater golf tourney. I had spent most of the one day basking in the sun, and waiting for the main event. I had dropped a wad of cash on my favorite pick, Sergeant Woody. He is the only albino beaver I have seen and, usually after a capful of ether, he's the only talking beaver I know. Well Woody had guaranteed me that he was a shoe-in, and I needed some money to purchase me some more midgets on the Manitoban slave market.
Finally the stage was set for the match, a beautiful 6 par course, with cement seahorses and giant salamander obstacles for the viewing pleasure of the crowd. The evening was to be an exciting one, and I had the half empty ether bottle to prove it. They opened the cages to let the beavers go to it, but they were empty. It looked like I had another job to do. I inhaled another good stiff drag from my bottle, and jumped into the lake to look for clues.
I reached the cages quickly, my webbed toes have always been a blessing. I examined the scene, ignoring the common hallucinations that I usually saw when on "vacation". I almost missed a clue, a waterproof manila envelope marked "For Y2K". I was about to resurface when I saw another vital piece of info, a piece of wetsuit with obvious beaver bite marks on it. I decided to go to my lab and go over my discoveries.
I returned to the "Batcave" and opened the envelope. As much as I am sure you out there would love to hear what it said, there were many spelling mistakes and references to squirrels in lewd positions and I would rather not repeat them. The basic idea of the letter was that it was Ian and Elmo again. They had intruded in on my quiet time. It was almost like they wanted me to chase them. This was odd to me, as this was not their style. They did not like to get caught and were quite miffed when I had them tossed into the reform center for their past shenanigans. "Hmm something is rotten in the state of Kamsack", I pondered, then moved on to study the wetsuit scrap under a microscope.
I noticed it right away. Humans always leave small particles of skin on clothing, there was none on the wetsuit piece. What I did notice were small lubricant molecules frequenting the fabric. No skin, but Quaker State? This was quite odd, and I knew something was definitely wrong.
I looked into Ian's whereabouts in the past 3 months. I was shocked to see that he had been working in India, making sweaters for Kathi-Lee Gifford ever since he got out of the cooler. Elmo had been with him too, selling spices on the corner close to their new house. They had a dead solid alibi and witnesses to back it up. It hit me, they couldn't have pulled that Titanic job either. Someone was trying to frame them... but who?
Two days later, the Baron contacted me reporting that he had found out some interesting thefts prior to my release from jail. Someone had infiltrated Mr. Tool in Yorkton and cleared them out of a grand amount of piping, electric equipment and a pack of gum. The security camera recorded nothing, almost if the perp was too short to be seen by them. The clues came together at that moment, why it hadn't hit me earlier was a mystery to me.
The real mastermind ( I use that term loosely) was an old acquaintance of mine from my days at DeVry. She spent a good deal of time hanging around with EET students and playing Magic. My memory failed to remember if she was an EET student herself, but I did remember the important things. First, she had a dwarf-like stature, and was usually undetected by people and cameras. Second, Ian had always beaten her badly in Magic. Yes, it seems Amber was out for revenge.
I went to the favorite hideout of all midgets, the ball room at MacDonald's. I dove into the mess of plastic spheres only to find a secret lab filled with four things: two beavers, an Ian robot and a small cloaked figure. I took out my stun gun and told the figure to turn slowly. She cackled smugly, "You can't catch me jackass!" and then ran between my legs and escaped. I freed the beavers, not worrying of her smart maneuver. I started on my way out with the beavers and headed out of the doors of the building, smiling. Of course I had thought ahead, and there was Amber stuck in a trap of my own devising. Anyone whose anyone knows any "short person" cannot pass an opportunity for Lucky Charms or a pot of gold, and this had been Amber's downfall.
I took Amber to the authorities and cleared Ian and Elmo of their false charges. I returned the beavers to their homes and actually won the bet I had placed earlier. With the prize money I had won, I bought three well-trained imps from Brandon, Manitoba. The whole "Amber Ordeal" had scared me away from midgets for a long time. You know, I was told a long time ago by Ian to never trust any girl named Amber... I guess he was right.
Copyright Tyler Saunders (2000)