Crazy Carl's Column O Stuff
Thoughts By Crazy Carl
Disclaimer: Malibu Barbie(TM) really does come with her own accessory kit!
Most of you are wondering, "Hey! Where the hell is my monthly dose of insanity?" Get over it, I have been really busy. Over the past while, I have been occupied with English essays draining my talents, upgrading my computer, playing a lot of games and... oh ya, recovering artifacts stolen from the Titanic. Needless to say, I will be talking about the interesting topic previously mentioned.
So I slapped in another 64 Megs of RAM into my computer... wait that's not interesting. Oh yes, the Titanic. It all started shortly after getting out of jail from the "Monkey Incident". (see Carl #3. Ed.) As far as I am concerned, it was the love of scientific discovery that led me to do it. Anyhow, I returned to my humble abode, which I have dubbed "The Batcave", and checked my email. I was happy to see 38 new messages. I erased all the chain mail, then continued to read The Email that remained. "The Email" as in ONE. My fanbase must have decreased in my absence. Oh well, the email was from a previous employer of mine, back when I was adventuring along side Jacques Costeau. Well before Jack was stung by that manta ray. Yes, the email was from my old friend Baron Von Count Chocula version 4.021 the Second. But I call him Dave since we've known each other so long.
Dave had been doing quite well for himself. He had set up a deep sea undercover private investigation agency. He was the one responsible for solving that "Little Mermaid" case back in the late 80's. Well, it seemed that Dave was having a little difficulty tracking down a recent crime wave in the Atlantic, all centered around the Titanic. He had run into many dead ends and had decided to come to me, knowing about my great aquatic skills, sleek swimmer build and Sherlock-like deductive ability. He had also heard about my breakthrough in the "Chain Email Fiasco" (see Carl #2. Ed.) and was impressed. So I agreed to help him out, as I was just out of the cooler and needed some beer money.
After some short negotiations as to my payment, I grabbed my gear and set off to the coast of Newfoundland in my Carl-mobile. (As a sidenote I would like to mention that Newfoundlanders aren't as dumb as most people think. They're dumber.) I hopped onto my personal ferry and headed off to the scene of the crime. I arrived to my destination the next day. My crew of plucky midgets helped me into my scuba gear and we jumped into the great blue beyond. I never would have expected what I had gotten myself into.
On the journey down into the depths of the ocean, Panna and Mr. Pocko were swallowed by some wandering carp. They were my best midgets, I was sad to see them go. But I was determined to solve this case, no matter the cost. It took me about an hour to reach the wreckage, only to discover that the perpetrator was at it again. I quickly engaged my Servomatic Turbo Water Booster and challenged this person in deadly harpoon combat. Midway through our clash, this masked deviant was rescued by what seemed to be a colleague of his/hers. I raced after them to the surface, only to see them unmasked and racing away in a "Speed 2"-like racing boat. I barely made out their faces, but I discovered who they were. It was Ian and his midget sidekick, Elmo! Damn them, I thought they had left their life of crime a long time ago.
With this new information, I checked their old hideout a.k.a. "Mom and Dad's place". They had long vacated it after finding out I was after them, only to leave the artifacts I had been sent to recover. I took them back to The Baron and received my payment. But it seems I have a new nemesis. Who knows what they will do next? All I know, only I can stop them.
Copyright Tyler Saunders (2000)