Crazy Carl's Column O Stuff
Thoughts by Crazy Carl
Disclaimer: I am very creative
Hello to all out there in reality. I have been spending my last few days getting my life back to normal after my little chain mail adventure last month. It has been rough as my "replacement" did a very poor job of imitating my persona and general excellent karma, but now everything has been straightened out.
Have you ever noticed how fun it is to smack people in the side of the head with a baseball bat? Not lightly or anything, but really put your back into it to hear that awesome skull-cracking-brain-splattering sound. Now you're probably thinking,"That's assault brother!" Dot worry, in my vast travels around the world, I have discovered several most suitable replacements for a human skull and brain.
Most of them are thanks to the many blonde females I have had the "pleasure" to meet. Considering that they have no brains to begin with, they must find substitutes just in case one WOULD come along and hit them in the head with a baseball bat, or my second choice, 5-day-old cheese logs. I was very suprised to see what creative ideas they could devise, considering the lack of IQ. (That of which is needed to think.)
The first nice substitute is, of course, watermelon. Watermelon has the excellent "goosh" similar to gray matter, but lacks the nice crisp "crack" of bone on wood. This of course is because watermelons do not have any bones, something that they have evolved out of, like the modern day ant. Watermelons USED to have bones, but soon discovered that finding a good botanical chiropractor, as in those days, I believe it was the 1960's, watermelons were the only plant left to rid themselves of bones. Another disadvantage of bones is that watermelons felt rather as the lard asses of the plant world with all that girth situated on a skeletal frame. Even the pumpkin had foregone the common skeletal system to the more sensible exoskeleton. So, thanks to magical T.H.C. clouds that were abundant those days, the watermelon quickly rid itself of its endoskeleton to the more fashionable exoskeleton of today. But unfortunately, the hemp in their systems and in all plants back then disallowed them to strengthen their support structure and they became lethargic as time wore on, so that is why they lack the true crack of a skull.
This now brings me to my second substitute, the tropical coconut. Now when you apply the bat to the coconut, you are most joyous to hear the fine crack similar to that of a skull. You are then delighted to hear the fine splash like that of brain fluid. But you are now asking yourself," Where is the delight of brain matter itself being hurled in a erratic fashion?" That is the coconuts flaw. You see back in the 1960's when Wizard of Oz was first shown in Hawaii and all its similar neighboring islands, the coconut took a liking to the scarecrow, and in a homage to him, they rid themselves of brains, only to leave the milky fluid that had surrounded. They left this because they did not want to be made fun of for having empty heads, so thus the compromise of the leaving the fluid. That and they love the swishing sound it made, it reminded them of the ocean, which they had grown so very fond of over the centuries.
Now my final substitute for a human skull is the finest, and I could not have discovered this if it wasn't for my dear friend Larry. Yes, by now many of you have already guessed what I am leading up to, which of course is monkeys. Hey did you know you spell monkeys like that instead of "monkies"? WOW!
Anyhow, Larry came upon this one day while cleaning his mosh pit after a most tremendous concert featuring Crowned Vic, who followed directly after the much meeker band, Metallica. So Larry was walking around his pit when he discovered a rather large irritated group of rabid monkeys...cool e-y-s, not i-e-s. What was Larry to do other than to brandish his weapon of choice, a Louisville Slugger? (That and his chainsaw was in the shop.)
So Larry made quick work of the mad simians, seeing as they did not have bats themselves. He soon realized this totally filled his need for the sweet melody of "crack-goosh-splash", the chaming tune similar to the invasion of 2.3 pounds of pure pine power entering a human skull. He was so overcome by his discovery that he just had to report it to me and I dutifully took a trip to the Saskatoon Zoo... but that's a story for next time. Now, does anyone know how to get ape brains out of denim or know the name of a good lawyer?
Copyright Tyler Saunders (2000)