Crazy Carl's Column O' Stuff
Thoughts by Crazy Carl
Disclaimer: I am very creative
Salutations to all out there. Many of you may have been wondering about my recent silence, and I grant you, you were right in wondering. I have been in quite a wondrous adventure in the past few months.
It all started when I tried to use my talents for some good, other than entertaining the huddled masses. I thought to myself, "How could I make the world a better place?" After many hours of contemplation I decided to check my email.
I was quite pleased to see a vast number of new messages. Three to be exact. I excitedly scrolled down to see what kind of lavish tales my friends had to tell me, only to be disappointed in my discovery that they were all chain mail. I was very upset needless to say and then it hit me, "Eureka", I exclaimed, nearly waking my roommate, " I will discover this source of the evil chain mail and rid the world of this nuisance!"
Soon I raised my fist, started shaking it and said through my teeth, "Dave, fucking Dave, he is the bane of my existence, he must be the evil mastermind behind all this". I started playing Freecell and devising a plan to stop his dark plans. I realized I needed to do much research to thoroughly thwart his devious actions. That is when I discovered the real evil. It was not Dave as I had thought before, and as many of you might have concluded, but a much more powerful, darker force that has been faceless and hidden for many years.
Many of us in the huddled masses think of pimping as a harmless occupation with great rewards, and a great deal of difficulty to get into, kind of like the bus driving industry. I must warn you out there, my research lead me to discover that this inconspicuous job is the true driving force of chain mail.
Now you might be thinking right now, "Crazy Carl, how could pimping be related to chain email, it is a normal, blue collar career?" But I must chide you; we are in the technology age even the lowly sanitation worker must have basic Windows 98 knowledge to be successful in this day and age. Now it only makes sense that the pimping industry jumps on the computer train so as not to be left in the dust like the country singer of days past.
Now you must know as much as I that a computer cannot lay the smack down on his bitches like a pimp can, even with such advances as modems and USB ports. The pimp will always have his place there, but the pimp can now shorten down the time it takes to balance his books and organize his thugs for collecting with Microsoft Office 2000 Professional. He can easily go on the Internet to contact his fellow pimp brothers for up to date techniques of keeping his whores in line. The information age streamlines the entire time consuming processes that the medieval pimps (also known as "barbers") took days to complete.
But there is a negative side to all of this. Sure the hookers do much better work nowadays because of this technological leap, but it also gives the pimp too much spare time. The modern pimp becomes introverted and grows inward. As we were taught as small children, an idle pimp's hand is the devil's playground. It only takes a small idea to create a revolution, and it took only one pimp to start the most evil media known to man: chain e-mail. This one pimp then told his fellow pimps and the small infection has now become an epidemic.
This is where my crusade began. After a few hours of Freecell, I had formulated a plan to stop this menace. To get rid of a weed, you must remove the root. Several weeks were spent infiltrating the pimp circle and starting my own collection of whores in the making. Soon I was rubbing elbows with the best of the best, like Hugh Grant. As soon as I knew I was "in" with the pimp civilization, I continued my search for the first pimp to chain e-mail and destroy him. I knew his death would send a message out to all whom practiced the dark art and end the menace forever. But things were going too well and soon I was above my head in trouble.
Mr. Big had been watching me all this time and discovered what I was up to. I was kidnapped and beat then taken to his great undersea hideout, which he dubbed "Atlantwhoris". I awoke in a dark room with the great masked demon. "You can never stop me Mr. Carl" he told me, "Chain mail is too strong a net to rid the world of". "May I remind you of Pauly Shore, Mr. Big!" I retorted. "Good counter Mr. Carl, but he will be back, if my plans fall into place", he then said with an evil laugh. "Who are you Mr. Big, just who is the man behind the mask?" I then exclaimed as to create some drama and to stop his stupid laugh. He removed the dark, foreboding mask to reveal his true identity. It was the first Prime Minister of Canada Mr. John A. MacDonald.
He then told me how he faked his death and his survival through the years. It turns out soon after his career as a politician, aliens named Bob and Doug cryogenically froze him. He was awoken a century later and began his career as a pimp. "HA! That technique is scientifically unsound!", I exclaimed and as I revealed this flaw, in true movie fashion, he began to shatter into a pile of fragments.
Then, to make a long story short, I used my amazing dexterity and trickery and managed to escape his compound and return to my home. I then dispatched the body double they had replaced me with and resumed my normal life. But I now realize something, it takes more than one man to stop something like chain e-mail, even one as talented as I am, it takes a society to squash such a vast problem. So the next time someone sends you chain e-mail, hit the trash button, not the forward button. Now the question is what do I do with all these whores?
Copyright Tyler Saunders (2000)