Crazy Carl's Column O Stuff
Thoughts by Crazy Carl
DISCLAIMER: I am very creative. Think about it.
I have been having trouble lately trying to convince my grandma I'm not the Pope. "Damn grandma, I am NOT the Pope", I say again and again. But for some odd reason she won't believe me. She keeps on calling me your Worship or your Holiness. Maybe it's that stupid hat I keep wearing. I shouldn't have embroidered that cross on there. Sure, grandma lived alone before I moved in and is 87. Sure, like all of my family, she lost her sanity at the ripe age of 45, but that is because of all that MacDonald's we eat.
No, I am not knocking MacDonald's. Nothing is better than stumbling around Calgary drunk after the bar has closed, trying to find your ride only to realize they had left two hours ago. So you decide.... "Ahhh it can't be that far, I'll walk". So after watching the sunrise, you realize three things; it WAS that far, you're hungry, and you don't know where you are but there's a MacDonald's right in front of you. You check your pocket for the money you wanted to use for that one last beer, but those bastards wanted to close at two. "What kind of bar is this!", were your last words are your ass was being catapulted out the door. Now you're happy you didn't have that beer.
You saunter inside reeking of beer and smoke, recounting your money, swearing you had an extra 5 dollars somewhere... And about ten more smokes. Then you remember where those smokes went. "God, she was hot... I think". The five bucks went to shooters for her. "Didn't even give me her number. Shit, oh well. Two less Egg McMuffins." But any food will keep you from puking at this point. "That's the last time I drink JD and beer", but that's what you said last week. So you feed your need, and now have regained your ability to think. First you figure out where the hell you are. Then you swear revenge on your buddies who forgot you. Bastards. OK, you're in the Northeast. Great. At least you're in the right quad.
So you call up your buddy with the last bit of change you have. He didn't come home last night, apparently. You get talk to his idiotic girlfriend for half an hour before your cut off. Shit! She doesn't know where I am. You got to the bathroom, check yourself over and wash your face. You realize that girl last night left you a present. No wonder those workers here where laughing at me. You pull up your collar to help hide it. Like it matters now.
You leave and exit the door, trying to figure out the fastest way home, and hope you make it there by suppertime. Grandma would be very upset if the Pope wasn't there to bless her meal. She's gonna be pissed enough that the Pope broke his celibacy and has a hickey.
Copyright Tyler Saunders (2000)