Rated: G

Summary: John attempts to explain Human sport, specifically football, to Aeryn. Forgive the Packer-centric aspects. I happen to live in Wisconsin.

"Ready right, ready right�Eighty-Two, eighty-two�Set�Hut, hut, hut!"

Aeryn Sun thought she was accustomed to the utterly bizarre noises and behaviors of John Crichton, galactic refugee and sole representative of Homo Sapiens in the Uncharted Territories.

After all, he had been aboard Moya for going on two cycles. But, as she leaned against a bulkhead with arms crossed, she found she was wrong.

This was even more crazy than usual.

"This is so," she found herself without the right adjective and then settled on, "So Crichton." Aeryn had been drawn to the sounds coming from her training area, a largish space on Moya that had been used as a mess hall when the Leviathan had been a prison.

She found the human in a sort of crouch, arms extended but slightly bent, hands about a head's width apart and fingers outstretched. He was staring fixedly at something in the distance. After barking out the totally incomprehensible string of words, Crichton lurched up and took three steps backwards, paused and made a throwing motion with his right arm.

Then making a breathy sound, he shot both arms in the air, held them stiffly aloft and began bouncing up and down, "And he scores! The crowd goes wild! It's Favre's second TD pass of the quarter!" He then made the breathy noise again.

When Aeryn thought he'd gone into convulsions, she involuntarily took a step forward. In the process of executing a particularly energetic spin, John spotted his shipmate near the door.

He immediately stopped in mid-spin but incongruously left his arms in the air. "Oh. Aeryn. Hi. Guess this looks pretty stupid," he said sheepishly and slowly lowered his arms.

"No more stupid than usual, Crichton," the ex-Peacekeeper said, entering the room, smiling to take away a little of the sting. "Are you alright? You looked like you were suffering some sort of neurological disorder."

"Sure, I'm alright. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Like I said, you looked like you were in pain or something. I know I'm going to regret this for asking but what the yotz were you doing?"

Crichton let his shoulders slump, "Well, if I've got my calendar right, it's mid-August back on Earth. And August means that the football pre-season has started. And I do love football. So I was pretending to be in a football game."

Aeryn gracefully eased herself down to the mats, noting Crichton had finally made the transition to using "Earth" instead of home. She had resigned herself to enduring yet another of Crichton's long, nearly incomprehensible explanations. She settled in a crossed-leg position and leaned forward, propping her head on her elbows.

"Okay. I'm assuming that this 'football' is some sort of activity. Right?"

"Well, partially. It's a sport. A sport is an organized game with teams and rules and uniforms and specific places, sometimes called stadiums, where it's done. Sports are done for recreation but there are also professional leagues. Most sports are big businesses now. There are many sports. There are individual sports such as tennis and golf and there are team sports. The best of all, best by far, is football. But there's baseball. Soccer. Tennis can also be played by teams. Basketball. Hockey," Crichton stopped the list when he noticed Aeryn's usually focused grey beacons start to glaze over.

"Don't Peacekeepers have sports? I'd think that their inherent competitiveness would make sports a natural."

Aeryn pondered the idea. "Well, we do have competitions." John silently noted that, in her musing, Aeryn had neglected to separate herself from Peacekeeper culture.

"Shooting. And in martial arts like the exercises we've been practicing. But there aren't any special facilities or uniforms. We just wear what we always wear and the gyms or ranges are just the usual gyms or ranges.

"They're considered, well, not exactly compulsory but anyone who doesn't participate is thought to be unambitious. And there are no teams. Outside of military requirements, Peacekeepers aren't encouraged to be anything but individuals, you know. I placed first for three cycles in a row in Drill No. 138 while I was in training. So, yes, I suppose you could say we have sports."

"Well, some humans treat it as much more. Many humans wear replicas of their favorite team's uniforms or use the colors of the uniforms in their clothing. They keep track of their favorite players' performances through statistics. They collect all kinds of memorabilia related to their team. They paint their vehicles in team colors and put all kinds of banners and labels on them. When one team dug up its playing field, it auctioned off chunks of sod from its playing field. Made a fair chunk of money doing it, too."

"Crichton. Now I know you are lying. No sane person would pay another person to own a clump of dirt and plants, regardless of its origin."

"Aeryn, if I'm lyin', I'm dyin'. It's true. It really happened. Some people are so devoted to their chosen teams that it's more like a religion."

"A religion? Sport is religion?" Inwardly, Aeryn groaned at the mere concept.

"Never mind. I was indulging in some sarcasm about the level of adoration of some football fans."

"Fans? What does moving air have to do with a sport that is a religion to some? And how can a ventilation device have a 'level of adoration'?"

"No, no, no. A 'fan' is a devotee of a sport. I think it evolved from the word 'fanatic.'"

"Let me get this straight. For a given sport, such as your 'football,' devotees, called 'fans,' go to specific places, these 'stadiums,' to worship their teams when the teams participate."

"We usually say teams 'play,' Aeryn. And 'worship' might be a little strong as a description. Unless, of course, you include Green Bay Packers fans," John corrected.

"'Play?' What you were doing before didn't look like play," Aeryn said, shaking her head.

"Well, that's true. Most sports involve a lot of physical activity. But I think we retain the word 'play' because most sports started out as strictly impromptu recreation."

"Oh. Crichton, you do realize that you're making less sense than normal even for you," Aeryn said, feeling the onset of a headache. Briefly, she wondered if it was from the translator microbes overheating on the alien concepts.

They were silent for a while.

Against her better judgment, Aeryn felt compelled to ask, "And what is a 'Green Bay Packers'?"

"The Packers are a professional football team, Aeryn. One of the 30-some teams in the National Football League. They are headquartered in a city called Green Bay."

"Well, at least that part of your explanation makes sense. So how often do these 'Packers' engage these other teams?"

"Play, Aeryn, play. But yes, they have a season, or schedule might be a better word, that goes from August through January," he said, quickly translating, "About half a cycle. They play one game per weeken."

"Then how you can have a 'pre-season?' It seems to me you have a season or you don't."

"That's understandable and I agree. But the logic is that the pre-season is considered kind of a warm-up for the regular season. A time when teams try out new players and new tactics and generally get ready for the 16 games of the regular season. Then there are playoffs in the post-season."

"I don't even want to deal with the concept of a 'post-season.' Anyway, I thought you said teams play each other so how can they each have 'plays'?" John sighed.

"A play is a set plan, where each of the 11 players or team members on the offensive team has a specific thing to do."

"Ah. A duty. That I can understand. So what's the point?"

"Let me back up a little. Football is played on a flat, rectangular field. Oh about four times wider and 20 times longer than this room. The surface is usually grass but is sometimes a synthetic material called Astroturf. The field is surrounded by seating for the fans."

He held up a hand, warding off the predictable question, "No, Astroturf didn't come from off-planet. It was just a term applied to the material."

"Each football team has 11 men, 11 players, on the field at one time. And, no, I don't know why there are 11. There just are. One is called offense and one is called defense. The offensive team's objective is to move a ball," he held his hands out to indicate the size and shape, "An brown ovoid made of pigskin, a type of leather, across the field to cross the goal line into the end-zone. No, I don't know why the ball is shaped the way it is. And, no, I don't know who decided on the size and, no, I don't know why pigskin was chosen."

"And how does the offensive team achieve its objective?"

"They can advance the ball by holding it and running with it or throwing it to another of their players who have run downfield. Advancing the ball has to be done according to specific methods."

"Like you were pretending to do earlier."

"Right. I could see myself as Bret Favre. He's the quarterback for the Packers. I guess I should explain that each position, on both offense and defense, have names. A quarterback�"

But Aeryn was deep in thought about another area, "And they use these plays to accomplish this goal? Fine. Just like a Peacekeeper training exercise."

John frowned. "Sorta. I guess. Anyway, the defensive team's goal is to stop the offensive team." "I thought you just said the offensive team had the goal."

"No, I didn't."

Aeryn fixed her gray lasers on his blue eyes, "John. You just said the offensive team had to move this ball across the goal line. Hence, it is in possession of the goal."

"Sorry, Aeryn. I misspoke. Using specific techniques defined by the rules, the defensive players obstruct or stop the offensive players from carrying out their specific tasks."

The ex-Peacekeeper nodded sagely, "Just like Counter-insurgency Drills. Then I should think I would prefer to play on the defensive team."

"Why is that, Aeryn?"

"The way you describe the offensive team makes me think of garrison duty and drearily doing the same task over and over again. Your defensive team sounds a lot more exciting because it requires improvisation and good reactions," and she beamed, "I think I'm beginning to grasp this football of yours, John."

"Well, it's not quite that simple but I get your point."

"What categories of weapons are they allowed?" Aeryn asked excitedly.

"No weapons outside of their bodies. They wear helmets and a variety of pads, not too much different than your Peacekeeper armor. They are allowed to use their bodies in specifically defined ways with the ultimate goal of tackling the offensive player with the ball."

"'Tackling' in this case means stopping?"

"Right, Aeryn. Grappling the offensive player with the ball and putting him down on the ground. You are getting this game."

"When an offensive player is tackled, what happens next?"

"The referee blows a whistle to signal the play is over and the offense goes into a huddle and decides on its next play."

"A huddle. Strange term. Sounds rather too submissive to me. Why don't they just decide beforehand what to do?"

"Because the choice of play is based on the situation."

"Ah. Like evaluating battlefield status reports and adjusting tactics."

"Yeah. Something like that. Then the offensive team comes out of the huddle and goes into a formation that will execute the play at the scrimmage line. This is the imaginary line that is drawn across the width of the field at the point where the ball was stopped."

"Then what happens?"

"The quarterback calls out the signals. I imagine you heard that part of my little fantasy, too," he said then winced when she nodded, "Oooookkkkaaaay. Anyway, the signals tell all of the offensive players if they're still doing the same play, or using the right words, indicating a change. That's called an 'audible.'"

"Ah, yes. Encrypted communications. Essential in any battlefield situation. But it's all audible, John."

"Yes, it is."

"So if the offensive team adjusts its tactics appropriately and then selects the right plays," she hesitated, waiting for John's acknowledgement that she had the concepts correct. When he nodded, she continued, "They advance, what, downfield, was it? And then move the ball across the goal line."

"That's right. They score a touchdown for six points. Abbreviated as 'TD' as you heard me yelling earlier."

"A touchdown. Not a 'goal'? Not very consistent, Crichton. And six points?"

"I don't know why six points, Aeryn. Except that after the offensive team scores a touchdown, it has the opportunity to score one or two additional points. For one point, one of the offensive players can kick the ball through the goal posts. Or they can do a running or passing play for two points if they cross the goal line."

"Seems unnecessarily confusing, Crichton. And completely arbitrary."

"I suppose."

"Now, after scoring a touchdown, who performs the victory ritual?"

"Ritual?"

"That jumping up and down and making sounds that you were doing."

John shook his head, "Oh. That. It's not required by the rules, Aeryn. And the officials of the league were starting to clamp down on excessive, spontaneous celebrations like my little victory dance."

"I'm so glad to hear it, John. I understand you have a referee for assessing progress and overseeing this game. Then there are these rules and specific methods you spoke of. I assume there are penalties for violations?"

"Oh, definitely. Penalties involve the loss of yardage, mmmm, ground, rather or the loss of a down. Sometimes, for flagrant violations, a player can be ejected from the game. Football is all about gaining or losing territory, Aeryn."

"That is a completely understandable purpose. So a team wins by accumulating touchdowns and one or two points after each touchdown?"

"Partially. An offensive team can also score a field goal by kicking the ball through the goal posts. Goal posts are shaped this way and are at the outside edge of the end-zone," and John sketched the Y-shape in the air with his hand.

"Then why don't they do that all of the time? That sounds simpler than scoring touchdowns."

"Well, I gotta back up again. Each play that is run is during something called a down. The offensive team gets four downs to advance 10 yards, about the diameter of this white circle we're sitting on. If they don't get close to the 10 yards within three downs, and if they're close enough to the end zone, most teams will attempt to kick a field goal. And a field goal is only three points."

"John. This is completely ridiculous."

"Wait. I'm not done. There are other ways to score. The defensive team can also score points."

Aeryn started to massage her temples as John continued, "The defensive team has the opportunity, during a play, to take the ball away from the offensive team, either through picking up a fumble or catching a ball intended for one of the offensive players. If a defensive player does one of those things and crosses the other goal line, the defense scores six points. Then there's the safety."

"The safety what."

"It's another way of scoring. A safety is worth two points. That's when the defense is so successful that the offense loses ground and is pushed back across the defense's goal." "Then why isn't the defense then called the offense? It seems to me that it has seized the initiative and has gone on the offensive."

"Conceptually, I suppose you're right but the offense still has the ball for four downs before it has to give it to the other's teams offense."

"Other team's offense?"

"Yes. The two teams take turns on offense and defense. When an offensive squad uses up its downs, the other team's offense comes on the field."

"Why don't the 11 members of each team play offense and defense?"

"Because football is very demanding physically. And because football has become a game requiring specialties."

"That aspect is one that a Peacekeeper can relate to. You said there are 11 males from each team on the field at a given time?"

"Yes."

"When do the females participate? I mean play."

"They don't."

"You mean the females of the team play at different times? Or do they have separate teams?"

"No, I mean women don't play football. Well, at least in an organized way. I've heard of young women playing for high school or college teams but I don't remember a woman ever being a part of a National Football League's regular roster."

"That's completely ridiculous, Crichton. Peacekeeper males and females compete equally in all activities. Why would a team deny itself the contribution of females players?"

"In one sense, I agree with you, Aeryn. But, like I said, football is a very physical game and puts a premium on size, height and weight. And males of my species, on average, are much bigger than the females. Take me, for example. In the context of football, I'd be considered on the small side. D'Argo is about average, I'd say."

"Aren't there any females of your species who are agile? Fast? Smart? Certainly these sound like attributes that would be of equal value to a team as brute force."

"You're right, Aeryn and many Human females are all of those things and more. But that goes into the more complicated area of Human male-female relationships."

"And these are more complicated than football?"

"Much, Aeryn, much."