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Gee dear, look at that poor man on the side of the road...
'My hands hurt.'
Sometimes life's greatest moments come as a complete surprise. But
then again, so do hit and run accidents.
While moving swiftly along I270, waiting for a Friday Morning Jokeoff
joke that would actually be funny, my car suddenly started to shake
violently. There was no warning, no "blowout" or sudden lurch to the
wheel. A quick check convinced me that I was still on the pavement, and
there was no evidence of debris before or behind me.
I was in the left lane, so I pulled over as far as I could, which
wasn't much, just to the white line. I opened my door and looked under
it at the front tire, or at least what was left of it. Shredded. (Gee, I
wonder if that's what caused the car to shake)
I watched the traffic, waiting for an opportunity to move the car to
other side. Meanwhile, I had to listen to a song of horns from the
drivers passing by me. (I should have just parked the car in the middle
of the road, then they'd have something to complain about) Eventually,
my opportunity came, and I "limped" the car over to the other side.
"la-bumba-la-bumba-la-bumba"
After calling the office, I began the process of checking the car to
see if I had a spare, jack and tire iron. (those would be in the trunk,
right?) What I found was, in a word, disgusting. Looked like something
organic had been spilled onto and around the heavy cardboard that
covered the spare tire compartment. My god! There were mushrooms
growing in there! My tire looked like some kind of parasitic flower
pot.
Then I noticed that whatever had been spilled had rusted tire, butterfly
nuts, and jack into a single piece of environmental artwork that would
have made members of the NEA proud. There was my spare, securely
mounted to the chassis with a long bolt and large butterfly nut. (I could
only assume that the jack and iron were underneath) After clearing a
path through the vegetation, I attempted to turn the nut. This was NOT
going to be easy.
I continued to strain over the top of the hatchback trying to turn that
stupid nut. Then, POW! it moved! Trying again, I was able to very
slowly turn the nut around. O.K. O.K. I can do this. After multiple
revolutions, I noticed that the nut had not moved up the bolt. Then I
realized that the bolt had been moving *with* the nut. I had been
straining so hard to turn the stupid thing, I didn't see it. Great! Now
what!
Looking in through the lug holes in the spare, I could see what looked
like some kind of flange that moved with the bolt. Maybe, if could stop
it from turning, the bolt would hold still. But, I couldn't reach under
the tire to hold it. The tire iron! I could put the tire iron through
the hole and use it to hold the flange still... Did I have a tire iron?
Sure enough, I did, right under the tire.
The iron slid perfectly into the hole and right against the flange.
Cool. Now, back to the nut. I obviously hadn't broken it free, but I
had broken the bolt from whatever was holding it. After a few minutes
of straining with the nut, while working around the tire iron sticking
up through the tire, I was finally able to budge it. And then slowly,
very slowly, turned it up the four inches of bolt I had left. At times,
I was sitting in the trunk using my feet to budge the thing.
Eventually, I was able to get it off and remove the tire. And viola,
there was the jack. Rusted solid to another butterfly nut (ten inches
from the top of the bolt). Here we go again.
I tried moving the nut up, but after getting about three or four
inches, the bolt started to turn again. That's when I realized that the
head of the bolt (at the bottom) had actually been slid into a slot. By
sliding it back out, I was able to remove the jack from the trunk. BUT,
the bolt was still strung through the handle of the jack, and there was
no way it was coming off. Oh well, its all I got so I'll give it a
shot.
When I went to put the jack under the car, it was to too tall. I fought
with the jack for awhile, trying to lower it, but it was too rusted,
and my 140lbs wasn't enough to hold it still. No problem, I can handle
this.
I slid the jack under the car on its side, and then shoved it at an
angle under the frame. I then got in the car and backed it up until the
jack was upright. Neat!
Everything else went pretty much as expected. The jack was really
rusted and sometimes it took all I had to move the thing which was made
only more difficult by the 12" bolt hanging onto the handle.
When I was done, I just drove the car forward to get the jack back and
threw everything into the trunk. Glad to be done with it and not ending
up as a hood ornament for a mac truck.
At least it was casual day.
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