The day had been a busy and eventful one for the two sisters. After they finished unpacking and getting everything situated, with the help of the guys of Nsync, the all went out to dinner at a little Italian restaurant, the girl's treat. After dinner they rented some movies and headed back to the apartment building to watch, deciding on Justin and Chris's apartment for the little get together. Sadie and Sheryl were amazed to find that their apartment was located right below the guys' apartment. It was now nearly three in the morning and Sheryl was fast asleep, dreaming of grassy fields and lovely waterfalls. Sadie on the other hand was restless and wide-awake. The cool night air found her sitting alone on the balcony, looking up at the stars, a small radio playing Christmas songs beside her.
Sadie sat there, listening to the music that had always seemed to sooth her, thinking about her life and where it was headed now. She knew that there were people who cared about her and wanted to help her. That was evident from the balcony that she was now sitting on. She also knew that, for the kids, she had to get better and get to the bottom of her problems instead of running from them, like she had always done, or suppressing them, like her previous doctors had done.
When she was a kid, Sadie would sit alone in her room and think about where her future would take her. She would imagine having a job she loved, with a beautiful house, a family. She would imagine being able to travel all over the world and see things that she had only seen in books or watched on television. Now, when she thought about her future, she couldn't see anything. It was as if a black void had taken over where her future used to sit, so perfectly planned out.
Sighing, Sadie reached over to the radio and slip in her favorite Christmas CD, Nsync's Home for Christmas. Listening to the first strands of her favorite song on the album, Sadie closed her eyes and leaned back in the lawn chair. She let the stress of the day, the fears, the worries, just slip away on the gentle breeze that blew her short locks of hair around her head.
"Is that Christmas music that I am hearing in the middle of August? I thought Christmas was in December." Came a voice from the balcony above hers.
"And I thought normal people were asleep at three in the morning." Sadie replied, standing and leaning over the railing of her balcony so that she could see up to the one above her. "Morning, JT." She said with a small smile.
"Morning, and as for your statement, we both know that neither us nor our friends are normal." Justin said, laughing down at her.
"Ah, true, but they are asleep. So what does that tell you?" Sadie asked him, raising one eyebrow.
"It just means that some are stranger than others. What are you doing up anyway? You looked like you were exhausted earlier." Justin asked, worriedly, resting his arms on the railing and leaning his chest on them so that he could see her better.
"Insomnia. Gets me every time. What about you?" Sadie asked, leaning back on her elbows against the wall of the balcony.
"Just couldn't sleep. Thinking too much I guess. You know, the album, the career, life. That sort of thing. Are you planning on going to sleep anytime soon?"
"Nope, just sitting here thinking myself. I like thinking better late at night, or early morning depending on how you look at it. Not to much going on to have to worry about then." Sadie told him.
"I can understand that. You want me to come down there? That way you don't have to strain your neck so bad while we talk." Justin said, laughing at the position she was in, in order for her to talk to him.
"Sure, if you want. The door is unlocked so just come on in. I'll be waiting right here." Sadie told him.
"What are you doing with your door unlocked? That is dangerous you know." Justin scolded her.
"It could be if I were asleep, but since I am still up, I didn't worry about it." Sadie told him shrugging her shoulders.
"OK, let me grab my keys and I will be down in a minute. You don't mind if I stay in my pj's do you? I really don't feel like changing." Justin asked, leaning farther over, since Sadie had moved away from the railing.
"No, as long as you don't mind me staying in mine." Sadie called to him, sitting back down in her chair.
"Not a problem. See you in a minute." Justin said, before she heard the sliding glass door above her close. Sadie relaxed back in her seat and picked up her thermos containing her hot chocolate, and poured a cup for her guest when he arrived. Sitting the steaming cup next to her on the table between the chairs, she reached over and turned the radio up a little more, listening to Chris's voice fill the night as 'I Guess It's Christmas Time' floated out of the speakers.
"Why are you listening to Christmas music in the middle of August?" Justin asked in a hushed voice as he settled himself down in the chair beside her.
"Its just really relaxing. It doesn't bother you that its your album, does it?" Sadie asked, turning to look at him.
"No, actually, its kind of nice to hear it. I haven't really listened to it much since we recorded it. It seems like ages ago." Justin said, leaning back in his chair and looking up at the clear Florida night sky.
"You really miss it don't you?" Sadie asked, hearing the far away sound of his voice.
"Most of the time, yes. But sometimes, I am almost glad that we aren't doing it right now. I know that it sounds really stupid, but sometimes its nice having a semi-normal life. I haven't had that since I was fourteen." Justin said, glancing over at her, finding her studying him. "What?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at her, a lopsided grin on his face.
"Nothing really," Sadie started, turning back to look at the stars, "Its just that the look you have when you talk about singing, it is almost euphoric. You're passionate about it yet, you're scared to death. You love it, but at the same time you resent it." Sadie said, turning back to him. His eyebrows were furrowed, as if in confusion, but Sadie could tell that it was something else. She felt bad about bringing up the conversation. "I'm sorry. We can talk about something else. I didn't mean to bring it up. I didn't realize it would upset you." Sadie told him, resting a hand on his arm.
Justin felt a shiver go up his spine at her touch. When she pulled her hand away a second later, he wished she would put it back on his arm. "Its not that it upsets me really. I just don't understand where you get all of that." Justin said, still looking at her.
"Well, it is really easy to tell that you love what you do. It is also easy to tell that you weren't really happy. Yet, again, it is also easy to tell that what you do is like a double-edged sword. You love what you do and don't really want to do anything else. You are happy doing it and you are making those around you happy and you like to do that. At the same time, while you are so busy trying to make everyone else happy, you don't have the time or resources to make yourself happy. That causes you to resent what you do, but at the same time you are unhappy if you aren't doing it. It really is a vicious cycle isn't it?" Sadie said, adjusting her body so that she was lying on her side looking at him. "You had better drink your hot chocolate before it gets too cold." She told him when she realized he hadn't touched the cup.
Justin glanced down at the cup on the little table and picked it up. "How do you know exactly what I feel? You just said everything that I have felt for years and you have only known me for two weeks." Justin said before taking a sip of the hot liquid. He watched her over the rim of his cup.
"I know because I have lived the same lie. Maybe not to the extent that you have, but a little. You try to hide everything, so that you can make those around you happy, and in the end you resent them because you are too busy making them happy to worry about yourself. I can just see it when I look at you." Sadie said, shrugging her shoulders as she refilled her own cup.
"Do you want to know what I see when I look at you?" Justin asked, putting the now empty cup on the table between them.
Sadie raised an eyebrow at him, "The way you say that makes me scared to ask, but what do you see when you look at me?"
Justin studied her for a moment, thinking deeply about the girl in front of him. "When I look at you, I see a scared little girl, who tries to hide behind her sense of humor. She puts up a wall around her so that she doesn't get hurt, all the while trying to help those she cares about. You try to be strong for those around you, while inside you are falling apart. You are just like you said. You so busy trying to take care of those around you and make the happy that you forget to take time out for yourself. You're afraid to trust and to let people in. It may not seem like it, but you are. You are so scared that you joke about your problems to try and make them seem less important. Am I anywhere near close?" Justin asked, taking the cup from her now shaking hands.
"I don't like this insightful stuff. I didn't know that I was that transparent. Can everyone see that?" She asked him, trying to make a joke of it.
"I don't know if everyone sees it or not. I just know that I do." Justin said, seriously, ignoring her attempt to joke about it. "Why do you try to hide it from everyone?" Justin asked her.
"I just don't want everyone worrying about me. They have been through enough because of me. Believe me, this is the last thing they need. And you guys, you have enough to worry about with out having to deal with my problems. You are trying to get your group back together and rebuild your careers. The last thing you need is to be worrying about some head case like me. You should be�."
"You are not a head case." Justin interrupted. He brought his hand up to rest on the side of her head. "We worry about you, whether you want us to or not. You know that the guys, your parents, your sister, the kids and everyone else worries about you because we care." Justin assured her.
"I know, but that makes it even harder sometimes. I want so much for everyone to not have to worry about me, because I care so much for all of you. You guys, my parents, my sister. I really care about you and that makes me want for nothing more than for you to not have to worry about me. It gets so hard when I see the look in their eyes. I know exactly what Sheryl and my parents are thinking. 'Is she going to lose it again?' 'Is she going to go back over the deep end?' It just gets so hard to deal with that." Sadie told him, tears stinging her eyes as she fought to keep them back. She had already embarrassed herself once by crying in front of Justin. She didn't want to do it again.
Justin noticed the shakiness of her voice. "Come here." He said, pulling on her hand, while he slid over on his lawn chair, stretching his legs out in front of him. Sadie reluctantly got up from her seat and moved over to his sitting down beside him. He moved his hand around her back and brought her close to him so that she was lying down beside him. He stoked her hair as they hugged each other close.
"No one thinks that you are crazy, or that you are going to lose it. And you certainly haven't gone over the deep end. We just want you to get better and to be the person that we all know you have been, not just this shell of a person that you show everyone. You aren't alone. We are all going to be here for you. We aren't going to let you go through this alone. I found out when I first started having trouble that it does help to talk about it. It helps to talk about your fears, your concerns, and your feelings. That is the only way anyone will know what you are feeling. You have to tell them. And you know you can talk to me anytime you need to, right?" Justin asked, pulling back to look at her. She met his gaze and nodded her head.
"I know you are. And you know that you can talk to me about anything. I think you are probably the only person that comes close to understanding what it is like for me. You have felt it too, you know what its like." Sadie said leaning her head back down on his chest while he stroked her back. They sat there like that, in silence for several minutes. Neither saying anything, just understanding each other.
Justin looked down at the girl in his arms and realized that she had fallen into a light sleep. Not wanting to wake her, he quietly picked up a blanket that was sitting on the table beside him and gently spread it over the two of them. He wrapped his arms back around her and soon he too was sleeping peacefully.
Sadie was still sleeping peacefully when Justin awoke the next morning, the bright Florida sun covered by heavy clouds that threatened rain. Stretching only slightly, so as not to disturb her, Justin gently moved to a better position, so that he could pick Sadie up and move her indoors in case it rained. She stirred slightly as he lifted her, but didn't wake up. Slowly and quietly, Justin crept into the house. He found Sheryl sitting in the living room, reading a book. He whispered a greeting to her and made his way to Sadie's room to put her back to bed. After gently setting her down and tucking her in, he watched as she snuggled into the comforter, getting comfortable. He brushed a stray lock of hair out of her face and kissed her forehead before leaving the room.
"I can't believe she fell asleep on me last night." Justin said, sitting down for a moment on the couch next to the arm chair Sheryl was perched in.
"She seldom sleeps through the night. What time did she fall asleep?" Sheryl asked, setting her book aside.
"I guess it was about four. She hasn't had a nightmare yet, so I guess that is a good thing." Justin said, running a hand over his tired eyes.
"Well, she has been asleep for almost five hours. I think that maybe a record for her. Normally, it's two or three and then it isn't even a deep sleep, just a cat nap. You look like you could use some sleep too. Why don't you go into the guestroom and go back to bed. If Chris calls, I'll tell him you stayed here last night." Sheryl said, getting up and ushering him into the guestroom.
"No, that's ok. I mean my own room is just above this one. I don't think I am going to fall asleep between here and there." Justin argued, trying to shoe Sheryl away from him as she pushed him down the hall.
"I actually have another reason for wanting you to sleep here. And before you can get any perverted ideas, it has nothing to do with seeing you naked. Sorry to deflate your ego, but it doesn't. I have to go down town today for a job interview and since she actually went to sleep, I want you here incase she has a nightmare or something. It would make me feel better knowing someone is here with her.
"Well, I guess I can stick around here for awhile. Chris should be up by now. Could you call him so he doesn't worry. With these latest anxiety attacks, he has been worrying a lot, but I haven't had an attack for a while now and I don't intend to. Just let him know that I wasn't driving around and running into light poles. OK?" Justin asked, as he opened the door to the spare room.
"Sure thing. Don't forget that the other guys are supposed to come over later. We are all going out to dinner. I just thought I would remind you." Sheryl said heading back down the hall.
"Thanks. Don't worry, she'll be fine here with me." Justin called to Sheryl, seeing her hesitate at the front door. She turned her head and smiled at him and nodded before leaving. Justin settled into the bed of the spare room and quickly drifted back into a peaceful sleep.
"No�.no�.stop it! Leave me alone! No�stop�NOOOOOOO!" came Sadie's piercing scream from her room. Justin had been soundly sleeping in the guestroom. Sadie's screams woke him, scaring him to the point of screaming himself. Realizing what it was, Justin scrambled out of bed, tripping over his blankets and falling on the floor. Throwing the sheets away from him, Justin ran down the hall to the room, from which the screams were coming.
When Justin threw open the door, he found Sadie thrashing around in her bed, screaming at the top of her lungs. She was twisted around in the blankets, hair matted to her head by sweat. She was swinging her arms wildly, trying to fight something off in her sleep. Justin stood there wide-eyed, before he reacted.
"Sadie! Sadie, wake up! It's just a dream." Justin called to her, running over to the bed. He grabbed a spare pillow off the floor to protect himself from her wild arms as he tried to approach the bed. When one of her arms came near him, he took the opportunity to grab a hold of it. Hanging onto one of her arm, he sat down on the bed and pulled her close to him in one swift movement, pressing her back up against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her torso to stop her movements.
"Sadie, sweetie, wake up. It's me, JT. Wake up, Sadie. It is just a dream. Calm down. It's ok." Justin said in a calmed and hushed voice, near her ear. She was still whimpering and trying to move but Justin's arms kept her still. Justin continued to hold her close and whisper to her, soothing her.
"Justin?" Sadie whispered a few minutes later.
"Yea, sweetie. It's me. You're ok. It was just a dream." Justin whispered to her, rocking her back and forth as she cried into his arms.
"Why won't they go away? I just want to be normal." She sobbed into him.
"I don't know, but we are going to try and make them go away. Do you want to try and go back to sleep? You could probably really use the rest." Justin said, pulling her up to look at her. Her face was pale and her hair wild around her, but Justin didn't notice.
Sadie shook her head in agreement. "Would you stay here with me. I don't want to be alone." Sadie said, wringing her hands together.
"Sure, come on let's get you back under the covers and get some more sleep." Justin said, pulling the sheets back and straightening them out before she slid between them. He slid in next to her, wrapping his arms around her, whispering to her and smoothing her hair until she fell asleep. Justin fell back to sleep shortly after.
That was how Sheryl, Chris and the rest of the guys found them later that afternoon.
"Maybe we should let them sleep. We can bring them something when we come back." Chris said, looking at the peaceful pair sleeping in the bed.
"Yea, lets just leave them there. They look so adorable, but they also look really tired." JC commented, as the five of them made their way out the door and down to the elevator.
"They stayed up and talked to nearly four this morning and then, fell asleep. Justin crashed here while I was gone, to look after Sadie. I don't know why he is in there, but if she is still sleeping, then I don't really care." Sheryl said, laughing a little.
"I can understand that. I think it is the first time I have seen Justin not thrashing around and tossing and turning in his sleep in forever it seems like." Chris said, shaking his head.
"I think they're good for each other. Some one to talk to who understands better than any of us could. You know a confidant. That sort of thing." Lance said, getting in the driver's seat of the four-runner they were all taking to the restaurant.
"I couldn't agree with you more.' Sheryl said, buckling her safety belt as they pulled out of the parking lot.