Chapter 1
Justin ran a hand through his still curly and blonde hair as he exited onto the street of the busy city. Straitening his baby blue jersey over his white tee shirt and headed to the curb where his car was parked. The sounds of the busy city filtered into his brain as he tried not to look at the people around him. It seemed weird to him now. He had been so used to the girls screaming his name, his bodyguards protecting him from over zealous fans. He wasn't able to walk down a street by himself over a year ago. Now he wished for his security the fans and the screaming. It had taken almost a year and a half for the amount of people following him around to diminish, but it seemed to him that one day he was swarmed with adoring fans and the next day he was walking around a mall, without his disguise and no security.
Justin waited for a bus to pass before opening the driver's side to the Mercedes M Class that he still drove. Settling into the seat of the car and turning the key in the ignition, the car was filled with music from the local radio station. The opening notes of an all too familiar song filled the car. Grimacing, Justin listened to the song, unable to bring himself to turn it off.
It's gonna be me
You might been hurt babe
That ain't no lie
You've seen 'em all come and go
I remember you told me
That it made you believe in no man no cry
Maybe that's why
Every little thing I do
Never seems enough for you
Don't wanna lose it again
But I'm not like them
Baby when you finally
Get to love somebody
Guess what
It's gonna be me
You've got no choice babe
But to move on
There ain't no time to waste
You're just too blind to see
But in the end you know
You can't deny
So just tell me why
Every little thing I do
Never seems enough for you
You don't wanna lose it again
But I'm not like them
Baby when you finally
Get to love somebody
Guess what
It's gonna be me
There'll come a day
When I'll be the one
You'll see
It's gonna...gonna.... gonna...gonna...gonna
All that I do
Is not enough for you
Don't wanna lose it
But I'm not like that
When finally
You get to love
Guess what
Justin turned off the radio, finding it hard to breathe and sure he would pass out if he listened to any more of the song. He ran his hands nervously over his baggy blue jeans, trying to regain control of his respiratory system. His friends and family thought that it hurt too much to listen to the music now. It did, but there were other reasons as to why he didn't listen to it. It was nearly impossible for him to listen to it. Trying to steady his shaking hands, Justin threw his car into gear and pulled out on the busy street, deciding that he needed a friend to confide in. Who better than his roommate and best friend. It only took about two minutes to get to his friend's building and a one minute elevator ride that seemed to take forever before he was standing, pounding on the heavy wooden door in front of him.
"What the Hell? Don't you know how to knock like a normal person? Besides, it is always...." Chris Kirkpartick, a tan man in his early thirties, stopped his rant when he saw his friend. He looked at Justin in confusion before letting his eyes scan his appearance. He took in the now disheveled clothing, the tousled hair, the pale look on his face, the sweat that beaded his forehead. He saw the tears in his eyes and the shaking of his hands. "What happened, Bounce?" Chris innocently asked his friend, unaware of why he appeared this way. The old nickname caused all of his reserves to break. Justin knew that his friend didn't realize what he had said, didn't mean to say it. But it played on his already frazzled emotions, none the less.
Justin began to shake all over, his emotions running rampant through his veins. Tears began to stream down his face. He slumped against the doorframe and slid down to the floor, unable to stop the runaway emotions that were now unpredictable, where they had once been carefully hidden.
Chris immediately knelt on the floor beside his friend, his brother. "Justin what? Did I do something? Say something? What did I do? Justin, whatever it was, you know I didn't do it on purpose. Tell me what it is?" Chris asked, putting his arms around his friends shaking shoulders, pulling him into a hug. They sat there like that for several minutes, Justin crying on his friends shoulder, Chris rocking Justin back and forth trying to get him to calm down. When he thought that he was calm enough to talk, Chris led Justin into his office and set him down on a couch in the corner. Chris turned to a wet bar on the other side of the room, got a bottle of water from the small refrigerator and handed it to Justin.
Normally, Justin would have been embarrassed to have broken down like that in front of one of his closest friends, but Chris had seen far worse from him lately. It was almost becoming a normal routine for them.
"Did you go to your appointment with Dr. Townsend today?" Chris asked, sitting next to him on the couch. The silver leather couch squeaked under the pressure as Chris tried to get comfortable. Justin put his unopened bottle of water on the glass coffee table in front of the couch before leaning back into the fluffy cushions of the leather sofa and rubbing his eyes tiredly.
"Yea, I went. I actually just left from there." Justin rested one arm over his eyes and rested his head back on the couch.
"I take it from your appearance at my office, which is highly irregular for you, that it wasn't a good visit." Chris said, eyeing his friend expectantly, nothing but concern and caring in his eyes.
"No, it was a great visit. We got through so much today. I was really surprised." Justin said, still not looking at his friend. Chris noticed his hands still shaking and his breathing still rapid from his earlier anxiety attack.
"So what brought this episode on?" Chris prodded, knowing that it would be better if he talked about it instead of keeping it bottled up inside of him. That is what got him in this state in the first place.
"I heard one of our songs, when I left his office." Justin practically whispered. Chris had to strain hard to hear him, but when he did, he understood completely what had happened.
"Townsend told you to turn it off if it did this to you." He told his friend, not a condescending tone in his voice.
"I couldn't. I tried, but I couldn't. Not right away. I was listening to 'It's Gonna Be Me'. I wanted to turn it off so bad, tried to turn it off, but I just couldn't. It was on the last chorus before I could finally move to turn it off. I couldn't breath, Chris. It was as if someone was strangling me. I was shaking and gasping for air. I was sweating all over. I think that this one was one of the worst that I have had in a long time. What if I am not getting better, Chris? What if this never goes away?" Justin asked desperately, turning to look at his friend, his eyes tearing up again. Chris felt so bad for his friend. Not only had his dream been taken away, but his whole world had been turned upside down and almost everywhere he turned, he was reminded of it.
"You are getting better. I can remember a time not too long ago, that it would have bothered you, but you wouldn't let it show and you wouldn't say anything. This right here, you talking to me about it, is proof that you are getting better. You have to believe that Justin." Chris said, trying to convince his friend of the truth.
"I want to be back out there. I want it so bad. I want us to be together again. What if we can't do that again? What if it really is over?" Justin threw his head back on the couch and closed his eyes, trying to will the thoughts away.
"Justin listen to me. We are going to go back out there. You are going to get better and then we are going to be right back out there wowing the crowd again." Chris said, running a hand through his short dark brown hair. "Oh, I almost forgot." Chris said, his eyes lighting up. "I talked to JC and Lance today. JC is coming back from California the day after tomorrow and Lance will be back tomorrow. Meredith's tour is over and so he is going to be able to come home and relax for a while. If you call being at the office relaxing, and Lance does." Chris said, scrunching up his nose. Justin laughed at his friend.
"What about Joey? When does he get back?" Justin asked, his eyes bright and shining at the mention of his friends.
"Jeeze, a guy hardly gets off the plane and already his best friends are talking about him. What kind of welcome home is that?" a voice boomed from the door. Justin and Chris snapped their heads in the direction of the door and just stared at the figure standing there.
"Joey, I thought you weren't going to be here for another week?" Chris said, shocked to see his friend standing there.
"Well, I decided to surprise you guys. Surprise!" Joey yelled, running over and putting Chris in a headlock. "How have you been, Curly? Keeping the old man busy?" Joey asked as Chris struggled to break free from him.
"I have my good days and my bad days. Today was a bad day, but it is getting better." Justin said, laughing as the two friends wrestled around on the floor.
"Justin," Chris choked out breathlessly, still wrestling with Joey. "Do you realize that he just called you Curly and you didn't clam up, cry, start shaking or anything?" Chris said, causing Joey to stop and release him. They both sat on the floor and watch Justin for his reaction. Justin thought back to what had been said, and a smile lit up his face.
"You're right. He did, and it didn't bother me. See I told you today was getting better." Justin said, purely beaming.
"See I told you they were miserable with out us." came another voice from the door. Everyone in the room turned to the door to find JC and Lance standing there, smiles on their faces at seeing their friends again.
"Scoop, Jace! I thought...No let me guess, you wanted to surprise us." Chris said, bounding over to them.
"I see Joey already took that huh? Oh well, how is everyone?" Lance said, sitting on Joey who was still lying on the floor.
"Scoop man! You are heavy. Have you been over doing it on the sweets on the tour?" Joey asked, causing Lance to bounce on his stomach. "Someone get this albino off of me!" Joey yelled, grunting in pain as JC helped Lance up from his position sitting on Joey. Lance stood and straightened his gray button up shirt and tan khaki's.
"Despite these guys, we are actually sane." JC said, rolling his eyes as Joey jumped on Lance's back while Chris tried to wrestle both of them to the ground. "How have you been, Justin? I don't know how you can stand to live with the old man." JC said, sitting down next to his younger friend, removing his brown leather jacket and rolling up the sleeves of his black Abacrombie and Fitch shirt.
"I have been doin' pretty good and Chris has been a real big help through this whole thing." Justin said, glancing at the three wrestling figures on the floor. He reached out and grabbed Lance's out stretched hand as he attempted to escape the entanglement of limbs. Lance stood and brushed off his clothes before sitting in the plush black velet chair across from the leather couch.
"How has your sessions been going?" Lance asked, kicking Joey and Chris away from him.
"They have been going all right. I actually had an appointment today. I just left there about forty five minutes ago." Justin said, closing his eyes, trying to block the memories of hie anxiety attack out of his mind.
"I know that look Justin. What happened?" Lance asked, sitting forward in his seat. Chris and Joey stopped wrestling and listened to what Justin was going to say. Chris silently prayed that Justin would tell them. He let out a sigh of relief as Justin launched into his story of what had happened earlier. The other members of their circle of friends listened intently and supportively to what he had to say. They all knew what it took for him to tell them this. They also knew that it was a sign of him getting better. It was a glimpse at the person that he used to be.
"That is great man. I mean, not that you had an anxiety attack but that you can share it this time." Joey said excitedly, from his seat on the floor. They were interrupted when there was a knock on Chris's office door. Chris hopped up and ran to answer it. He talked quietly with his secretary for a moment and then closed the door. Nervously he walked back over to his friends.
"Lou called today. He wants us to come in and try to record something. Dr. Townsend talked to him and he thinks it would be good for Justin to get back in the studio." Chris said, looking nervously at Justin and the rest of the group.
"That is fantastic! Let's go! I can't wait to get back in the studio!" Justin jumped up excitedly and headed to the door before anyone could question him or say anything else.
"Well, I guess that is a good thing." Lance said, standing and following his younger friend, everyone else right behind him, excitedly making their way downstairs to their cars.
"I can't really wait to get in there and start recording again." Chris said, excitedly bouncing around in Justin's passenger seat. "Do you really feel up to it?" He turned to Justin, concern filling his face.
"I don't know, but it will be a good time to try out some of the techniques that Townsend has shown me for controlling the anxiety attacks. If it does work and they get fewer with in the next few months then maybe he will ok me to tour again." Justin said, a small smile forming on his lips at the idea. He continued to smile as they pulled into the Trans Con parking lot. Taking a deep breath he got out of the car, just as JC pulled up with Joey and Lance. Everyone stood outside, waiting patiently for Justin to ready himself.
Justin looked at the building. It had been months since he had had an attack like he had earlier. It was also the first time in months that he had heard any of their songs. Taking a few deep breaths to steady his rapidly beating heart, and fighting the urge to turn around and run in the other direction, Justin began to slowly walk towards the large building. He pulled out his key card and slowly slid it through the machine. His hand shaking he reached over to punch in his access number. He hand was trembling so badly that he drew it back quickly, hoping that the others didn't notice. They did. Silently they cheered him on. Trying to will him into overcoming the attack that they could tell was threatening. He tried twice more to punch in the number, but both times his hands were shaking too badly to do anything. He was sweating and his heartbeat was increasing steadily. It beat so fast and so hard that he was sure it was going to explode in his chest at any moment. He tried a third time to reach for the console, his breaths coming shallow and quick. 'You are being stupid Timberlake. Just punch in the damn number.' he scolded himself. Finding it difficult to breathe now he pulled his hand back again.
"Damn it! Why can't I do this? It isn't like I am performing brain surgery here. I know the stupid number! I know that everything is fine! I know that I brought this on myself and that I am being the biggest baby on the face of the planet. Why can't I do this!" Justin yelled to himself, unaware that he was saying these things out loud. The others in the group just stood back and were prepared to let him work this out on his own. Justin was shaking again, this time with rage at himself. Forcing breath into his lungs and his hand to steady he reached out yet again for the console. This time, he was so angry that he didn't care that his heart beat too fast or that his hands were still slightly shaking. Determined he pushed in the numbers on the console. Immediately the doors opened and he slumped against them. The rest of the group let out the breath that they had been collectively holding. They were so proud of their friend. He had been determined and he had done it. He had taken the first step in regaining his life.
"We better not be doing any ballads. I think it needs to stay hard core so I can stay angry." Justin said, with a laugh, allowing his breathing to return to normal and the color to return to his cheeks.
"Well, you did it. You are in the building at least. That is a start. It is closer than you were six months ago." JC said, clapping a proud hand on Justin's shoulder, leading him into Lou's office.
"I want you guys to do me a favor. Being here I realize that this is where I want and need to be. Promise me that what ever happens you won't let me leave. I need to get over this and all of the talking with Townsend isn't going to do it. I need to be thrown in there and left there. Promise me you won't let me leave this building." Justin pleaded looking at his fellow band mates. He begged them with his eyes and they knew that he was right. The doctor had told them all months ago that he would need their help and that the only way he would get over it would be to be forced to face it. But not until he was ready. They could tell that now he was ready.
"You can count on us, Curly. I will sit on you if I have to." Joey told him, ruffling his curls. Justin smiled and opened the door to Lou's office.
"Sherri, get over here, would ya? I need your help here." Sheena called over to her older sister. Brushing her short, pixie cut hair out of her face, Sheena pushed down on the top of her suitcase again, trying to get it to close.
"What is it now? You can't find you teddy bear? No, wait you can't find you Eor bedroom shoes." Sheryl Evans said, coming into the room, trying to put her massive waist length hair into a ponytail.
"None of the above. I can't get my suitcase to close." Sheena whined, trying unsuccessfully to close the suitcase again.
"Here." Sheryl said, jumping up and sitting on it forcing it closed. Sheena reached around and zipped the zipper closed, sighing in exhaustion. "Well if you would have left the kitchen sink in the kitchen you wouldn't have had that problem." Sheryl said, jumping off of the bed and bounding to the door.
"Oh and I am so sure that you were able to fit everything neatly into you suitcase." Sheena said sarcastically to her sister as she tried to lug the heavy bag into the living room of the small apartment that they shared.
"No actually, I had to pack three suitcases. A draw back of not being able to make up your mind." Sheryl admitted.
"Anyways, just think about it. By tonight we are going to be back home in North Carolina. Two weeks of vacation. I can't believe it. It was so nice of Jared to let us take this vacation time together. Mom and Dad are so psyched." Sheena rambled on excitedly not even phased by the ringing of the phone. Sheryl tuned out the same thing that she had been listening to for a week and walked to the phone.
"Hello?" She asked into the phone, watching Sheena sing along to her favorite CD.
"Hi Sherri. It's Jared. Is this a bad time?" He asked, hearing the noise in the background.
"No, Sadie is just being her typical self. You know, loud and obnoxious, but I guess that is why the kids love her so much." Sheryl said with a laugh. Jared had gotten used to Sheena's excitable ways and always laughed at her family's nickname for her.
"Anyway, I have some bad news." Jared said, his voice almost a whisper so that Sheryl couldn't hear it. But she had gotten the words and felt her heart drop.
"What is it Jared? Is there something wrong? Is one of the kids hurt?" Sheryl asked, catching Sheena's attention with her tone. Sheena ran quickly over to the stereo and shut it off. She walked over to her sister and listened intently to her end of the conversation. Unsatisfied with not being able to hear Jared, she ran and picked up the kitchen extention.
"Jared, what happened to the kids? Which one? How bad is it?" Sheena asked, not allowing herself time to breath.
"Sheena calm down. Nothing is wrong with the kids. Jeeze the way you two act you would think that you actually gave birth to every single one of them." Jared said, laughing.
Sheena pushed her brown hair out of her eyes again, out of agitation this time. "Well, then what's wrong?" She practically yelled into the phone.
"Well, something came up and I didn't know if you guys would want to do it or not. It would mean cutting your vacation for a couple more weeks, but it would make the kids so happy." Jared said, in his sweet talking mode. They could tell that it was something kind of big. It always was when he used the kids against them like that.
"So what is it and we will tell you if we want to do it." Sheryl said, frustrated at his skirting efforts.
"Well, a few months ago, Caitlyn wrote a letter to Trans Continental records asking if they could come and visit the studio. They wrote me and said that they would love for a group of the kids to come down. We have ten kids who want to go, but no chaperones. I was wondering if you two would be interested. I know how much it would mean to the kids." He said, using the kids again, knowing that the sisters couldn't turn them down. The two looked at each other, knowing what the answer would be.
"When are we leaving?" Sheena asked morosely into the phone.
"Great. You guys are leaving tomorrow. We have the vans and it should only take you about two hours to get there. You will be staying a week and the studio is paying for it. They are even going to give you some bodyguards to help keep control of the kids. I love you two. Gotta go. Bye." Jared hung up the phone quickly before either of them could change their minds.
"Better call Mom and tell her we aren't coming." Sheena said to her sister. After looking at her sister's blue eyes, the mirror image of hers, she rolled her own eyes. "Fine, I'll call. Sometimes you are such a baby." Sheena said, picking the phone back up. Sheryl walked into the other room and began to unpack one of her bags. She wasn't going to need all of this stuff for a week trip to Orlando.
Sheena lay in her bed that night thinking about the trip that she would be making the next day. She was a little excited. At one point in her childhood, she had wanted to be in the music industry. Not a singer or dancer or anything like that, just something to do with it. Music was always the biggest thing in her life. Now it came second to the children that she worked with and loved. When she had graduated from high school, she and her sister had moved from North Carolina to Gainesville, Florida. There they had found jobs working together at the local children's shelter for battered and abused children. She loved these kids that she worked with to death. She couldn't think of any other way she would want to live. She had thought that her mother would be upset that they weren't coming home right away. She was disappointed, but understood. Her mother was proud of both her and her sister for doing something that they loved and giving friendship to those who needed it most.
Sheena tossed and turned, once again. This was her usual night. She would toss and turn until dawn, sleep a couple of hours, then get up and go to work. This had started when she was in high school. Her senior year. She had thought that she would be exhausted when it started. Eventually she got accustomed to her sleeping habit and adjusted to it. She would lie there at night and think about her life and the day to come. Her normal pattern coupled with her excitement of going to Trans Con, the home of some of her favorite recording artists kept her up all night and it took her almost three cups of coffee before she was able to form a coherent sentence.
"You look rough, Sadie." Sheryl said, coming into the kitchen, sitting down next to her little sister. She wore short blue-jean shorts, red tank top with tan colored sandals. Sheena grunted a response and finished her coffee. "I see you still didn't sleep last night. How long did the doctor say this was supposed to last?" Sheryl asked her sister worriedly.
Sheena stood up from the table to get herself one more cup of coffee for the trip to the shelter. After pouring her coffee, she straightened her teal halter-top and white shorts. "He said that it was really up to me, but I still can't figure out how to make it go away. I have tried everything from counting sheep to music. It doesn't help." Sheena said, pouring the steaming cup of coffee into her thermos when she noticed the time.
"You really can't tell normally, but to day you look pale and just plain tired." Sheryl said, getting her thermos and filling it with coffee.
"Well considering it is five in the morning and I got up a three, not to mention NEVER went to sleep, I would say that that was fitting. I have been up for two days with no sleep." Sheena said irritably.
"Are you going to be ok to drive the van today? We can try to fit all ten kids into my van." Sheryl suggested sincerely worried about her sister.
"Yea, I'll be fine. It isn't like I have never done it before." Sheena said, heading to the door with her thermos, their bags having been put in their car the night before.
"Take your cell phone and leave it on. If you get tired and don't think you can drive we can stop for a little while so you can rest." Sheryl said, heading out with her. Sheena nodded her agreement and got into the passenger side of her sister's car. It wasn't long before they pulled up at the shelter and were met with ten smiling faces. Sheena immediately felt refreshed and awake. Seeing these kids always made her feel more alive.