Type Movie::
Film Name :: Tomb Raider 2: Cradle of Life OR "Life draining puddle of shit" as its know on the street
Many times in a mans life, he does foolish foolish things, often times its for something stupid like cause hes bored, because it was there, for the purposes of gambling, or for some really swell tang (the drink, i would never refer to tangerines like that, what do you I was raised in a barn? I mean I know most guys think about tangerines every 7 seconds but cmon people) Yesterday I committed several errors which landed me in a pretty wretched situation.
First I decided to GO see a movie, by myself because no one can stand to go with me, particularly on short notice. Given around a 3 or 4 month window I can prolly dig someone up, but right when ya think yer about to 'score' some lovin the cops come in and start talking about how illegal it is to desecrate the dead etc... I tell ya some people are just prudes and dont like seeing a guy date an older woman.
So anywho I alone ventured out into the land dominated by the yellow face, he who burns my skin and eyes, long time it has stalked me outside my lair, and camped waiting for me to emerge briefly to enter my chick magnet (the 91 'animul') and flee to work where I earn somewhere between .03 and .05 cents an hr making sludge, spam email, and reviewing low quality porn, its not much but it gets me through inbetween the dreaded meetings of doom of how we plan on taking over the world. (Hint I wouldnt drink that new blue Mountain Dew if you want to stay sane)
On this fine day I went down to the theatre, and Ill be damned 30 movies out and not a one Ive heard anything good about. In fact Ive heard many many many bad things about all of them. Deciding I was in a mood to see ass whoopin action I went with the latest Jackie Chan film. (This is mistake number 2, number 1 believing that any movie or 2 might be worth 7 bucks to see) Ok Ok Ok so his last 3 movies have been crap and hes only getting older so hes not getting more mobile or magicly learning to act or even speak english, but i figured the ass whoopin would kick in 20 minutes into the film and I would be able to kick back and laugh myself silly. Sadly this is not the case, and my digust for it was displayed last week.
Deciding I might as well salvage a movie for the bargin matinee price of 11 bucks I decided to go see what was starting soon, my choices were la divorce which sounded decidedly foriegn, my years in Mexico, and basic understanding of latin told me it could only lead to one thing, a plot. Yes foriegn films lack the mega bucks to get the pretty people into films, so as a result they often have to rely on things like acting, dialague, a script that isnt garbage, and oh yes and also full frontal nudity, but alot of man ass, and lets face it I can see my own ass whenever I want. So I decided to be brave and plunge headlong into the a most wonderful peice of crap film called womb waid.. err boob Trad.. Panty Raide.. Well damn I went to watch Angelina Joilees breasts, they were the best actors in the entire film, I mean if you cant play a computer game character you acting ability is mighty thin so you best have other 'assetts'.
I mean I can see it now, when the doom movie comes out. Yes you were shot 20 seconds into the film and bled everywhere but we really couldnt believe you as 'Sarge_13' were sorry but were going to replace you with this dancing coke can because we need more product placement to make some dough were losing making all these gorey sets. (That coke can will go on to win an oscar, for having best can.... ohh yeah shake it)
Now in the first film lara crofts actress was digilitally augmented (this is considered cheating in most preteen beauty pagents, but hollywood lives by its own rules man) I thought this was the greatest cinematic advancement since the money shot and thought it would be instantly adopted by all films everywhere to every actress over the age of say 7 (I mean were not totally Captain Sickos errr Stern right?) I mean they were just like in the game, comic books, or the cover sleeves of porno films, defying gravity, it was cinematic gold.
Now early in the film i noticed this was not the case in the sequel, and while crushing as it was it got worse, not only were the greatest stars of the orignal diminished Lara was going to have a love interest. Now in general love interests arent necciarly death for a film, but given the way the fact I was no longer under the hypnotic powers of giant swaying breasts I had to actually pay attention to what other things were happening on screen. This in general is a bad thing, namely the film starts out with Lara finding an ancient greek building in the medaterian sea. Now low and behold theres a giant air pocket inside the temple, making me wonder WTF is up with that, but i guess it was all building to that plot thing I was so desperate to avoid. Anyways the bad guys show up cap her help and destroy her underwater seado thing before taking off.
Now Im willing to believe the 'big lie' of movies, all good ones have one, if its interstellar travel, a magic coin that has the effects of viagra, a talking rat, etc.. I mean if its too real life it becomes the film about Jakes trip to the Grocery store, with sexy results (meaning i spent 34 minutes fondling the melons in the produce aisle before being asked to leave).
However the sheer amount of not only incrediably stupid, but physically impossible things that occur throughout the film should move this thing out of the action category over to the fantasy section. Lets see her seado is broken so she cuts her arm and then puts her hand over it to stop the blood flow till she dives into the ocean swims out a bit and then removes her hand so the blood can now safely enter the sea (and catch whatever blood diseases Angelina might be carrying) to attact the 15-20 foot long GREAT white that they saw on the way in... so the massive 2 ton shark is moving towards her at great speed 15-20 miles an hr or so underwater, and as he arrives our hero punches him in the snout... Now one thats pretty much just soft tissue on a shark and not gonna cause much damage. 2 physics tells us that 4000 lb shark travelling at a velocity of 20 mph/h has a great deal of energy and inertia carrying it forward, and NO way a 120 lb person (or even say a 500 lb gorilla) could even slow it down, but hero not only stuns yeah shark, but he stops right in front her... so she can grab the dorsal fin as the shark decides its best to do whatever frail white girl wants, (its a telepathic shark damn it, werent you paying attention) so he swims her out the labryinth of caves up to the surface... Hooray how lucky was that.
Anyways the film was sucky, yet oddly not quite so sucky as the medallion (odd) Its still carried by the 2 co-stars from the first film but they must be getting older, Everyone else in the film is just eye candy who cant act.
MMJ says, 'Hand guns can be dangerous, so dont shoot people who cant act mmmkay, and then you wont be befuddled with wondering how to look sad'
MSBNGJ says, 'I havent seen this kind of crap acting since the swamp thing'
RJ says, 'Damn I wish she would beat me like that'
MAJ says. 'WTF wheres the titties'
PLOT :: 1
Acting :: 2 (it would be a 1, except... well ya know)
Blowed up (fx) 3
Ass Kicking 2
OVERALL 2