Lost in Pakistan

Depression is defined as a mental state characterised by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity. Like any other serious medical condition, it needs to be treated with care. Samia, an Indian born and bred, is just one of many affected by it. Married at an early age and moved to Pakistan, Samia was faced with a severe case of depression, one that ruined her marriage and life. Currently residing in the Edhi home for mentally disabled women in North Karachi, Samia shares her travel from her youth in India to her current abode in Karachi, her marriage, children and how events unfolded in light of her depression  including a desire to commit suicide

 Where were you born and raised and where/how was your childhood spent?
I was born and raised in Rampur, India, and got my basic education from there. I played hockey for District Rampur and captained the side for several tournaments. I was actually bound for the Indian national hockey team but missed entry by a couple of points and at that moment, I was gutted to have missed out. However, I did not let it bother me much and carried on studying and did my Matriculation

 You got married at an early age to a Pakistani. How did that come about?
My husband-to-be, who happened to be my cousin, came to India to see me with the intention of marriage when I was doing my Matriculation. After seeing and talking to me, his proposal was accepted by my parents. I got married in Pakistan after finishing my Intermediate and was based in Karachi with my husband. I was ill after my wedding plans were finalised and that put the marriage in jeopardy, but I managed to recover in time and all went well.

 What kind of illness was that and how did it come about?
I first fell ill after my Intermediate exams. It was a random feeling that I had all day long, with no clue of how to go about things and the daily routine in my life. We consulted several doctors and also elderly in the family but no one could tell what was happening. I tried snapping out of it but to no avail. Surprisingly, after I got my first-year results, my condition improved. All of a sudden, I was back to my normal self. Maybe it was depression, but nothing significant preceded it so I was unsure myself.

 How did your early marriage life fare in Pakistan?
Things started well. I went back to India a year after getting married and gave birth to my son. However, since I held a Pakistani passport, I over-stayed my visa duration and my husband, from Pakistan, notified the authorities. Not sure of the reasons, but he told the authorities that I had run away from home and was in possession of his son as well. Due to that, I was forced back to Karachi and had a deportation case filed against me.

 Did things improve at home from then on?
Not really. I started getting ill again after getting back and, as before, had no idea of what was happening. My husband thought it was something at home since we lived with his parents so we switched homes and he got another apartment. Things didn’t improve, however It was termed depression and I had no idea how to cope with it. Since my husband was a captain on a naval ship, we went on a tour to help me recover. I sailed around on the ship for about five months before giving birth to my daughter as we returned to Karachi. My condition, however, refused to improve and I could tell people around me were getting fed up as I was ill for eight years without showing any signs of recovery.

 How did you manage to end up at this Edhi home?
I think there came a point when my husband had enough of me. He was a very nice person and looked after me very well. However, one day, he got up and told me he was heading on a long cruise for work and brought me to this place. Citing safety concerns, he told me to live at this Edhi home until his return. I wasn’t aware of what kind of people were given shelter here and it was only after my arrival did I realised I was tricked into coming here. And that was the last time I saw my husband.

 What was your life after arriving here?
Horrible. Not because of the place but because of my condition, not being able to see my children and the fact that I was lied to and tricked into coming here. He told me I should listen to my husband and I obliged without thinking. He was a nice person and I thought he was doing it to aid my recovery. But maybe it was my fault that I was ill and he was right in bringing me here.

 I was admitted into the emergency ward upon arrival. The psychiatric doctor here advised to keep me there not only because of my mental status, but also due to the bruises in my back and leg. I have no idea how I got those but they were there. My daily routine for the first few months was to wake up, have breakfast, have my medicine, walk around for a bit and then lie down all day. I didn’t do any work and my life was in complete shambles.

 How did you transform yourself and bring yourself to where you are now?
I realised myself that being useless will not help my cause so I tried changing myself gradually. I made a routine, started working around the centre, took part in various activities and since I was educated, started teaching English, science and maths to the children. I was treated for my illness as well here and got regular medicine and in fact am still getting some. I was diagnosed with tuberculosis too and was successfully treated for that as well. The staff here was really helpful and played a huge hand in my recovery, not only physically but mentally as well.

 Are you still in contact with your family?
The last I saw and heard from my husband was when he brought me here. I have not spoken to or seen my children either. I was told that my husband informed them I had fled to India. My husband’s sister, however, keeps in contact and visits. Bilquis mummy lets me talk to my family in India regularly. My mother came to Karachi eight years ago and that’s when I saw her last. I’ve not seen my father and siblings for 15 years now. They have probably forgotten me now.

 More than anyone, I miss my children the most. You have no idea things I’ve tried to console myself and its not easy being so far away from my children and not being on contact. I miss them more than anything in the world. Not so much my husband because I don’t like talking about him anymore or even thinking about him. I was told he has re-married and I have no reason to contact him anymore. I was devastated when I was informed he has divorced me. That, and not being able to meet my children, increased my depression levels on a daily basis. But it’s all a thing of the past and maybe God has planned better things for me.

 What are your plans now? Staying here or do you want to go back to India?
Ideally I’d like to go back to India, back to my family. But that doesn’t mean I hate this place. This Edhi centre is like a home to me, the people here are like my family. I love it. But there is no other place like home. I miss my family; my parents, my sister, my brother. I want to see them again. There are efforts being made to get me a visa so that I can do that. However, the deportation case in the past is probably causing hindrance to those efforts. Edhi sahib, however, is involved in the process himself so let’s see what comes of it.

 Now that I think about it, there is not much point in going back other than visiting. My parents have probably forgotten me (said jokingly) and I have no intention of getting married again, I see no point in that. If the application is sorted then I will head to India otherwise I’m happy here. This place gave me shelter when I was desperately clinging on to my life. I wanted to commit suicide at one point, so fed up of myself I was. In fact, it was due to that reason that my husband decided to bring me here instead of a mental hospital since it would’ve been easier to commit suicide there. Such is the level of comfort here that I don’t even like going to relatives’ or even asking for their help with matters.

 This is like family to me and I owe them everything.

 The Edhi Foundation, with the help of the Red Cross, has been trying to get Samia a visa for India. However, according to Anwar Kazmi, spokesperson for the Edhi Foundation, the process is not an easy and short-one since it involves a deportation case laid on Samia in the past after she overstayed her visa length. Samia’s uncle in India was contacted by the Edhi Foundation to seek help. However, his refusal to take part in any activity proved a jolt for Samia and other ways are being sought to help Samia get back to India. While all concerned individuals and parties carry out an earnest effort, Anwar Kazmi, as willing an eager as he was to help Samia, was unable to disclose how long the effort would take since it has become a legal matter. For now, Samia must carry on her life as she has for the last six years and hope things work out for the best.

© Faras Ghani 2008. Published in Xpoze May 2008

© 2009 Faras Ghani. Page template courtesy of ELATED.com. Last updated 12th May, 2009.