"So, you want to talk about it?"

"What’s there to talk about?" I told him. I knew he had been standing there the entire time, yet I didn’t care if he knew.

"It seemed that the encounter with her left you feeling uneasy. I know you Mark, If it bugs you, you talk it out to calm down."

"You know me too well." I looked at Jeff and judging by the look in his face, he could tell I was hurting. "I hate you for that."

"That’s what makes me such a good friend. Now go on."

I looked around for a moment for a place to sit down before locating the bench a few feet behind Jeff. I pointed to it leading him to the spot I wanted to tell my story.

"A part of me had felt uneasy from the moment this all began. I knew that seeing her was going to tear me apart a bit."

"Did you know why?" Jeff interrupted

"Because I had to come out to her and tell her everything, Confess about what I did all those years ago. It was the only way I could find closure". I closed my eyes tight trying in vain to block her out of my mind’s eyes. "I had made the trip out here, out of my way to see her again. It hurt not telling her sooner, but I had to build the courage to see her again first."

"How long had it been?"

"Almost two years."

"Two Years?" he asked me, sounding almost surprised "Has it been bothering you all this time?"

"Pretty much" I replied "It usually happened out of the blue. I’d be doing something and I would remember her, her smile, her spirit, the times she would do the most immature things that should have bothered me, but never did. Then I remembered what had happened, what I did to her. After time, it just started to really get to me, I couldn’t function right anymore."

"You make it sound like guilt."

"It was, there is no doubt about it. There was a lot I kept from her and that didn’t seem fair."

"So you came here knowing she was her?" he asked me

"No"

"No?"

"I knew she hung out here, that was all. I figured that there was a good chance that she was going to be here tonight."

Jeff looked at me uneasily for a moment.

"What would you have done if she wasn’t here?"

"I would have called her and asked her to come down."

"It was that important for you to get this out, wasn’t it?"

"Yes!" I told him without hesitation "I owed it to her . . . and myself."

"Why?"

"Because I knew no matter what I was going to hurt her. I needed to tell her why and how. I needed to give peace to myself and with any luck, to her too"

Jeff sat there silently for a moment, I had just said something that he never expected from me and it just stunned him.

"You OK?" I asked

"Yeah," he paused a few more moments, trying to get hold of himself. "If you knew you were going to hurt her, why did you get with her in the first place?"

"I thought about that for a long time, trying to come up with a simple answer. I don’t know. Part of me thought I could change myself for someone and be the good guy."

"How did it end?"

"I pulled away and manipulated her used her and found anyway to hurt her to believe that she was the one who wanted to break up."

"That sounds a bit cruel."

"It is. It is the cruelest thing you can do to someone"

"Is that what you told her tonight?"

"Yes, I explained it to her. But that wasn’t all I told her."

"What else did you tell her?"

"That my feelings for her were genuine."

"Sounds like a bullshit way of saying you love her."

Jeff crossed the line with that comment. If he wasn’t my friend I would have hit him. To be honest, if he had been anybody else I would have beat the hell out of him.

"Fuck you." I said

"Tell me I’m wrong Mark!"

I couldn’t, he was right. It was a bullshit way of telling her that I loved her. I looked back for a second and realized, if anything, I could have done more damage by saying it.

"You’re right. I did love her."

"Did or do?"

"It doesn’t matter anymore now does it. Even if I was, It has been too long and were different people."

"Mark, That is the lamest excuse I have ever heard you say. Do you still love her?"

"Yes." I answered quietly "I still love her."

"So why didn’t you make any attempt to get her back?"

"Shall I bring out the list?"

"Sure"

"Fine. First she has a boyfriend now and she loves him, it’s real. Not just infatuation. Second, We have changed. I am not the guy she fell in love with. And finally, I know that I would only end up hurting her again."

"Dammit Mark, don’t you get it. If you were such a bad guy, you would have not made this trip to see her. You would have taken the time to tell her the truth and give her closure. You wouldn’t have done any of this if you didn’t love her. You have a chance to fix the damage and win her back."

"I had a chance Jeff, she’s already gone."

"No she isn’t"

"What?"

"She didn’t leave. She’s still in the parking lot. Go look."

I got up and turned around. The parking lot was empty except a blue Toyota that belonged to Sarah. She had been sitting there all this time. I looked over at Jeff and he just stared at me smiling

"Don’t loose this chance." He said

I looked back at her car and began to make my way across the lot. My stomach turned with fear every step I took. I didn’t know what I was going to say or do when I reached her. After a few more steps I was able to see her in the car. She had been sitting there the entire time crying. She looked at me with a hurt look in her eyes but there was a sense of relief showing itself as I approached

"You want to talk about it?" I asked her.

She looked at me still sobbing slightly. A thin smile appeared on her lips. Then she answered me.

"Yes."

-2002-

For everyone who made the mistake of giving up the one you love.