Gave into my addiction today and I went to see my supplier. I managed to catch her before she left her regular haunt and I told her what I was in the mood for. After a quick look around she offered me PJ. 

"This is the stuff that they say makes you experiment into other types" she told me with that wicked grin. She had yet to steer me wrong and I was taking her advise once again to get my fix.

As I slipped into my car I pulled my kit out of my black bag, its silver color shined brighter as if it had become alive and begged me to use it. I took out what my supplier had sold me and slipped it in and hooked myself up for my trip. I sat back and pushed down the button and waited a few seconds for it to kick it. Slowly it came in, as faint as my heartbeat in a room full of noise, that I could feel but not quite fully sense, but in time I was fully aware of it in my head, teasing me before it pulsed into my mind slamming at first then fading back like a kinky lover trying to tease. It only turned me on. 

My emotions were on a whirlwind. I felt pleasure and pain. I felt regret, I felt accomplishment, I felt betrayed, I felt lust, I felt content. 

I know why god hates addiction. It's competition.

The things that go through my head make god look like a rank amateur. A swirl of thoughts, emotions, ideas and memories. I think of lost loves, friends, enemies and all in between. My life flashes before my eyes in a swirl of black and white and a candy coated flavor. I create dialog, I write up retorts to all things done wrong. I scream in pain and pleasure. I growl in primal rage as my body twitches to a mysterious beat. 

I wanna bathe in Milk. Eat Grapes. I wanna go to Spain. I wanna drive fast. I wanna Fly. Take me to the Moon just to shout my name for the cosmos to praise it in awe. 

It back builds on me, a sharp burst for a moment then a calm flow that builds every second gaining strength  before it explodes. It comes hard and becomes second to no one. nothing else matters, the world has become a forgotten stepchild to its elegance. It tells me its name. It tells me what it has the ability to do, the joy  it wraps around the gray matter inside my head the fear it shows me. I can hardly wait for the treasures it has to show me. It is my Queen, my master, my savior, my therapist. I worship it, I pray to it, I tell it my secrets and it agrees that I am not alone in this world. it brushes me with its soft velvet touch and then slaps me with its back hand of sandpaper and broken glass. I love it so.

I want more. I need more. I scream and I cry and I beg for more. But we're out of time. My lover has to go. There is nothing left and I am there alone with the emptiness of the real world. I feel scorned when she is gone and I need her back.

All I have to do, is push Play

© Jake Matthews