December 14, 1995
Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delight- ful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised darling!
With deepest love, Agnes
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December 15, 1985
Dearest John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughful gift. They are truly adorable!
With all my love, Your Agnes
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December 16, 1985
Dearest John, Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! But I really must protest, I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. My goodness. You are just a darling of course, but I must insist, you've been too kind!
Love, Agnes
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December 17, 1985
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are plainly beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic dear.
Affectionately, Agnes
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December 18, 1985
Dearest darling John, What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings! One for every finger! You're just impossible darling, but oh how I love it! Frankly all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves, I am glad you thought of something different.
All my love, Agnes
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December 19, 1985
Dear John, When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I can't sleep through all the racket. Please stop.
Cordially, Agnes
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December 20, 1985
John, What the hell is with you and those flapping birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of goddamn joke is this!!?? There's bird excrement everywhere! The little tykes never shut up, I can't sleep anymore, and I'm a nervous wreck. It~s not funny you weirdo.
Sincerely, Agnes
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December 21, 1985
O.K. Buster, The birds were bad enough, but what the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their goddamn cows!! There is dung all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house!! Just lay off me smartalec, or you'll be sorry!
Agnes
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December 22, 1985
Hey Brat! What are you, some kind of sadist!?! Now there's nine pipers playing! Christ do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting a peti- tion against me.
You'll get yours! Agnes
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December 23, 1985
Words fail me!!! Now there's ten ladies dancing! But they're not ladies! These broads are having an orgy with the pipers! Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea! My living room is a river of %$�$, and the building commisioner has subpoened me to give cause for having all these animals. I'm calling the police on you creep!
One who means it!
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December 24, 1985
Listen mate! What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies!?!?! Some of those broads will never walk again! Those pipers ran through the maids and have been sodomizing the cows. At least the birds are quiet. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you are satisfied you rotten vicious swine!
Your sworn enemy, Agnes
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December 25, 1985
Law Offices of Badger, Binder, and Irwin 30 Knave Street Chicago, Illinois
Dear Sir, This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes McHolstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. McHolstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Merry Christmas !! (snicker snicker)
Cordially, Badger, Binder, and Irwin
