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America - Love it or get the hell out!
Hello, kids. Welcome back to the mental dump we call Uncle Robs� message. This week�s message was inspired by Nephew Steve who said to me, �Unc, you just visited the site of the Flight 93 crash and Jessica Lange committed blasphemy in Spain. Only you, in your borderline magical, mystical, all-seeing, all-knowing, and twisted way can do what needs to be done. And, tie it in to football no less.� Well, nephew Steve, The Unc appreciates your confidence. I will try not to let you down. Here goes�
This is the start of an occasional series piece, inspired by Nephew Steve, and called �America - Love it or GET THE HELL OUT!� This week�s target: actress, Jessica Lange. But, before I launch into my usual unprecedented verbal invective on Jessica, here�s a little ditty I wrote about her:
Who in the hell is Jessica Lange?,
Once she was some sweet xxxx tang,
But now she�s a broad I wouldn�t bang,
With Magic Johnson�s infected wang!
Didn�t know The Unc was a poet, eh? Well, I�m not you Vulture Vas Defrens! Poets are queers. They don�t watch football. They don�t play football. And, they sure as hell don�t appear in movies about football like �Everybody�s All American�. But, Jessica Lange was in that movie. And, that�s as close as I am gonna come to tying her in to football. That is, other than to say that it�s a pretty good movie based loosely on the life story of Billy Cannon. Don�t believe me? Look it up!
OK, so why am I picking on Jessica Lange? Well, other than the fact that she gave me the clap and then swore out a peace bond on my ass, I have no real reason. OK, part of that isn�t true. You figure out which part.
The real reason I�m on Jessica Lange�s case is this remark she made about Dubya while accepting a �lifetime achievement� award in Spain: �I despise him and his entire administration � not only because of its international policy, but also the national. It makes me feel ashamed to come from the United States � it�s humiliating.� You liberal, commie, pinko, elistist, bourgeois piece of crap! Who the hell are you to criticize Dubya? Did you even vote, you dope?! Have you been to Ground Zero? Have you been to the Laurel Highlands to see the crash site of Flight 93? Well, Uncle Robs has. And, I�ve returned to ask this provocative question of you: Have you had your head up your poop chute for the last 13 months?
I suppose you think that living goddamn embodiment of Herman Munster, Al Gore � World�s Stiffest man, but Limpest penis, could do better? You piece of crap! We�re at war, Baboon breasts! You know why they call his wife �Tipper�? Because she only let guys stick the tips of their penis' in her mouth. I know that�s what she told me as she surveyed my massive love wand.
Get behind your leader, Jessica, or get the hell out! And, if you do go, take all the freaking Baldwin brothers and Babs with you. And, you know what? Take Anthony Newley with you, too. He may not be a flaming liberal like the rest of you bastards, and he does get points for banging the living hell out of Joan Collins, but I�ve always hated that idiot the way Elvis hated Robert Goulet. We don�t need you or them. And, we don�t want you or them.
You think it�s better in Spain? Trying asking some of the poor bastards who lived there under Francisco Franco. They�ll tell you what oppression is you goddamn airhead. Christ, some of them check his grave every day to make sure the dope is still dead! You probably think Franco is the guy who founded Franco-American. You probably don�t even know their flagship guy, Chef Boy-Ar-Dee was the chief chef at President Wilson�s inaugural! (Special Note: Aren�t you as amazed as I am that I can work whacked out crap like this in every week?).
Where the hell were we? Oh, yeah! You know what, Jessica; you need to be truly humiliated. I think you should have to clean up after the running of the bulls over there in PompousAss or wherever the hell they run. With your tongue. Then, face those throwing tomatoes at you in their other big �cultural� event. Yeah, that�s a civilized country. I got news for you, Jessica, honey; their Armada sank. The Spanish-American War lasted all of 2 months. Teddy Roosevelt charged up San Juan Hill, took a dump in Havana, and was home in time to tuck his kids into bed at night. Queen Isabella? Well, she freaking smella! NewsFlash: The United States is the bomb! Has been for over 200 years. Still is. Always will be.
In closing, for Jessica, �The Postman Always Rings Twice�. But, Uncle Robs only warns once: America � Love it or GET THE HELL OUT!
The Unc