New Jersey and you. A complete fucking disaster together!
Welcome back kids for another week of musings and meanderings from The Unc. This week I want to deal with a complete state of confusion: New Jersey. Or, state of comatosia in the case of their state veggie, Karen Ann Quinlan. Yeah, I know it was a cheap shot, but who the fuck are you here, brother-in-law?!
Anyway, I thought of this topic when I heard the incoherent Son of Samesque ramblings of their now former Senator, Torricelli. What a fucking asshole! This S.O.B. took money, was so fucking arrogant that he tried to run yet again, and the voters are calling this fuck on it. And, he wonders, �When did we as a country become so unforgiving?�. I�ll tell you when, Bob, you dick. After we got kicked in the nuts so many goddamn times by the people like you who are supposed to be serving us that our goddamn gonads are in our throat. Anwar Sadat asked you what you wanted to be when you were with him by the Mediterranean. I got news. Anwar didn�t give a rats ass about you. How do I know? He told me. And, he asked me the same thing in Wildwood 25 years ago after he went and bought me a 6 pack of Bud 16 pounders because I was under age. Gimme a fucking break. I gave that friggin� Egyptian a beer for his troubles. Fucking Anwar was a boozehound of historical magnitude. He didn�t even remember your name jackass. Kept calling you Rico Petricelli.
But, Jersey has a history of fucked up politicians. How bout former Guv, Christie Todd Whitman? This bitch is running the EPA now! Major faux pas on Dubya�s part. Jesus Christ! Hello! Jersey is one large fucking toxic waste dump. Exactly what kind of job did she do cleaning up that shit? Furthermore, this chick had every fucking ailment known to mankind. She had cancer, Lyme Disease, a torn rotator cuff�What?! How the fuck did that happen?! Was she chucking around the pigskin in the oval office in Trenton or what? And, one of her predecessors, Tom Kean, always sounded like he had shit in his mouth to me. And, his predecessor Brendan Byrne, exactly what miracles did he produce to warrant having an arena named after him? Don�t even get me started on Jim Florio!
No one with a brain admits they�re from Jersey. Take the Giants and Jets. Find Jersey in their names for me. The Nets? No one from Jersey goes to those games. They�re all bandwagon jumping New York fucks. The Devils? Think about it. The state�s biggest claim to fame is the Jersey Devil. They love that fucking myth. And, that makes them Satan worshippers in my book and it should in yours too.
Their beaches fucking suck. There�s always medical waste washing up on them. I was in Long Beach Island a few years back and a friend of mine came out of the surf with a giant turd on his head! I shit you not.
Their cities are teeming cesspools. Bayonne, Passaic, Hoboken. You know what? Fuck �em. I don�t go there anyway. You know what I say? Let�s demolish all the bridges leading there and see if they drift off into the Atlantic. That at least would make Chester beachfront property.
Their state univeristy is called Rutgers. Jesus! What kind of fucking name is that for an institution of supposed higher learning? Rutgers sounds like the sound that comes out of my ass after I had a Grande ShitStorm Burrito Supreme at Taco Hell. That ain�t a name for a college, son.
What the hell does all this have to do with football? Well, honestly not a whole hell of a lot. But, I write this fucking column every week. So, I�ll write whatever I damn well like, you rat bastard. OK, I will try to tie it in. Here goes: The Giants and Jets suck, but the state of New Jersey blows to equalize the pressure. How�s that?
Until next time�
The Unc