Welcome back my friends to the venom spew that never ends, I�m so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside. With The Unc�s deepest apologies for paraphrasing ELP, and if you don�t know who the hell ELP is rhino nose, close your fucking browser right now and go stick your head in a ball return at a bowling alley! Where was I?
Oh, yes. This week we examine the correlation between Martha Stewart and football. What? You think there isn�t any? Well, how �bout this: James Stewart of the Detroit Lions is the bastard mulatto offspring of an unholy dalliance between Martha Stewart and James Earl Jones. I swear it�s true. Next, what do Martha Stewart's ass and the relatively new footballs with the �K� on them have in common? They both need to be kicked. Hard. Repeatedly. And, what does Martha Stewart really need? A gang raping by NFL criminals like Kevin Allen, Rae Carruth, Mercury Morris et al. Stretch her love gutter out like it�s the goddamn Holland Tunnel I say.
Folks, this bitch is a major threat. No, I�m not talking about her insider trading scheme. She doesn�t have enough money � yet � to rig the system against the small investor. However, she would take away your Sunday and Monday and Thursday football. AND, she�d have you making doilies or some kind of fucking nonsense. This bitch is so far out in left field she�s in the goddamn bullpen. Jesus Christ, I�ll bet even normal women hate this cunt. Tell me this: What normal man or woman has the fucking time to whip up a mother fucking almond encrusted, pan-seared, Chilean, SeaSnakeFish? Who the fuck exactly has that kinda time? You gotta be shittin� me! Hell, I got just enough time to wait for one of my unsuspecting dumbfuck neighbors to get home, leave their car unattended, so I can go out, steal their groceries, nuke it in the microwave, and destroy the evidence. And, I�ll bet everyone is just like me!
Anyway, the mere idea of putting her fat ass behind bars should make all you football fans jump for joy. The enemy will be shackled. Hopefully, they�ll give her Martha Stewart sheets for her prison bed. Then, and wouldn�t this be an ironic twist (serious pun intended) of fate, she hangs herself with her own fucking sheets (literally) from the prison bars. Either that or we can just tell my college roommate that she resembles his ex-wife and he�ll pull a Lee Harvey and we�ll all live happily ever after.
See? Now, you feel better don�t you. If not, well, I really couldn�t give a shit�
The Unc