Welcome back buttnuts to another diatribe from Uncle Robs where we start the week off by asking the provocative question: Ever shoot your neighbor in the nuts and ass with a toy machine gun? Well, more on that in just a bit�
First, I am not giving out any picks for division winners or wild card teams this week. You gotta wait until next week. I know you were hoping, but, you know what? I�m hoping any minute now that those surfer bimbettes will brake down the door of the Uncle Robs Manse and gang rape me. Guess what? Neither of those things is likely to happen.
But, lemme throw you a couple bones this week. I�m going to give you a few teams on their way up and down. Titans? Going up. Raiders, Giants, and Ravens? Going down. Chiefs? Going sideways. Rich Kotite? Going to hell. OK, here�s another impact guy: Jon Gruden. Says here he makes TB a better O team and that may help get them past the 1st round. But, he ain�t a cardiologist, so he can�t transplant a heart into the chest of Sapp or Lynch. I lost all respect for both of them (and Warrick Dunn) when they quit on their "friend", Tony Dungy, in the playoffs. Gru-Dog will improve the Bucs. But, not enough.
OK, back to the provocative question. Just not yet. You ever notice how inextricably entwined football strategy is with military strategy? I mean, isn�t a gameplan pretty much akin to developing a battleplan? Of course it is, kumquat! Now, if you�re developing a gameplan, do you give it away to the opposition so that they know exactly what you�re going to do? Of course not! Unless, you�re Rich Kotite of course. At which point you�re more worried about the players lining up "Low to Da High. Low to Da High!" on the sideline for the national anthem. Well, Great Zeus! What the hell do we have here in Congress? These mental ward refugees are debating attacking Saddam Hussein. What the f#@k is that about? You don�t debate it. You just do it. Like Dubya�s old man should�ve done 11 years ago. But, now the son is stuck cleaning after the old man like he was incontinent or something. Hey, I say let�s get the towel head, camel jockey, gas ass, and string him up. This country shouldn�t be taking any crap off anyone. Ask yourself these simple questions: Why do we need a coalition? Why can�t we go it alone? If we can�t go it alone, what the hell has the military been spending my tax dollars on all these years? Cripe sakes people! These weapons are built to kill people and destroy property. Let's see some ROI here.
Now, here�s where I tie the original question in. Hang with me. I had this friend growing up, Kevin MacAleer. He was Irish Catholic. But, for our purposes, he�s that dirty no good scum sucking, bottom feeding, Muslim, piece-of-human garbage, Saddam. And I, Uncle Robs, am of course, the great United States. The true hope for the world. Anyway, Uncle Robs was an only child. As such, I got a lot of cool toys other kids didn�t get, like Saddam�er�Kevin. Anyway, one day, I brought home a toy machine gun. No, I ain�t talking no tommy gun here, crankbiter. I�m talking foxholeesque, stand on a tripod, fire-repeating rounds of hard plastic bullets that can put someone�s goddamn eye out, type toy machine gun. Got the picture? So, I see Saddam�er�Kev�walking down the street. I yell "YO! Saddam�er..Kev! The Honorable Elijah Mohammed�er�the Pope�is taking dump in my backyard! Come see!" Now, he has to come around the blindside of house to get to the backyard. And, just as he rounds the corner, I unleash a barrage on nasty, hard, rubber, stun gunesque bullets right into his balls. Now, being the dummbass Saddam�er�Kevin was, he doesn�t run. He merely turns around. Yeah, like that�s gonna stop me from unloading my clip. I shot him several more times in the ass. Then he ran home. Poor, dumb, S.O.B. couldn�t sit or pee without pain for about a week. But, I�ll tell you what: he never dissed me again. Not that he did before. But, I shot him simply because I thought he might. And, therein, boys and girls, lies the fable to this story: Never telegraph what you�re going to do. Always surprise your opponent. Don�t look for a reason. Just do it. And, hit him (or her) where it is most painful. Repeatedly. Live by that advice and you can�t go wrong.
Well, that�s it for the second installment. Hope you enjoyed it. I thank all who wish The Unc well, and those who don�t can go straight to hell!
The Unc