It was Sunday, June 7th, 1959. Three wise men came from the NFC East�
OK, there was no NFC East then, buttnut! But, bear with me here. For my nephew Steve-O has asked me, the legendary Uncle Robs, to impart some of my vast wisdom on you, the dullard masses yearning to have my foot inserted squarely up your sphincters.
Consider yourselves forewarned: I am not now, nor have I ever been, politically correct. I�m just correct. All the time. 24/7/365. Period. End of story. So get with the Uncle Robs program or get the hell out now!
Now, Steve has asked me to comment on the upcoming NFL season. Well, if you�re looking for me to give you my division winners and wild cards, along with some betting strategies, guess what? You gotta wait for another week or so. Hell, I might comment on our not-so-secret military buildup to oust Saddam Hussein (something Uncle Robs in his all seeing and all knowing way said we should�ve done during the Gulf War over 11 years ago). Right now, I want to give you some guys/teams to keep your eyes on and what impact I think they may have.
First, Steve Spurrier. Now, a lot of people hate this guy. I don�t. How can I? He looks like my college soccer coach, Dan Doran. Dan was a great coach and a great guy. So, I cut Steve Superior a pass on that alone. However, it goes deeper than that. You got so called "experts" saying "This isn�t Florida. This isn�t college." Gee, that�s real wisdom. Lemme lay some info. on these morons: 1.) Spurrier won the 1966 Heisman, 2.) He backed up HOF QB John Brodie on the 49ers (and was their punter as well), 3.) He was the coach during Duke�s last winning season (Now think about that. When have the Blue Devils EVER won in anything other than roundball?), 4.) The No Huddle Offense and on side Kick to start the game were done by Steve at Tampa in the USFL. Let�s dwell a bit on Tampa in the USFL shall we. Specifically, what I liked were their cheerleaders. "Bandit Ball!" indeed, baby! And, how �bout that John "The Hound" Basset having the cahonees to let Spurrier do what he wanted? OK, I know what your gonna say, "But, Uncle Robs, that dude had a malignant brain tumor!" True, but he also sired one of the hottest looking little minxes to grace a tennis court, Carlene Basset. So what�s your point? Where were we? Anyway, Spurrier will do just fine as an NFL coach. As soon as he gets himself an NFL QB. It says here, if he had one right now the Skins would leap frog the Giants into 2nd in the division behind the Birds.
OK, the Birds. They�re good enough to win the division. They ain�t Super Bowl bound though. Tell me how they got better? They were weak in the interior of their D with Hollis Thomas. They�re now weaker without him. Kirkland adds nothing if he isn�t in the 3-4. And, they can�t go to a 3-4 without a big body on the line in the middle (can you say Sam Adams? Well, if you can�t, can you at least say Heineken?). Shawn Barber and Blaine Bishop are both either coming off injuries or a season removed from them. Newsflash! I saw "The Bus" run past Bishop last year. I ain�t talking no Short Line driven by Ralph Kramden here, moron. I�m talking Bettis. Yes, they are deeper at RB. But, they needed a good WR. Thrash is a 3, maybe�maybe�a 2 on a good team. They should look at the Steelers cuts to see if they can get Troy Edwards.
Across the state we go to the confluence of the 3 rivers. I had some serious confluence one time that turned my feces a lighter shade of pale. But, lets no go there. Antwaan Randle El will make Troy Edwards expendable. Hell, A R El may make Hank Poteat expendable, too. Right this down: A R El will be an impact player in the NFL. And, he won�t be another "Slash". He will be another Hines Ward. I know because I was the only, and Uncle Robs means the only, one brilliant enough to see Hines Ward�s potential. I see it in A R El, too. And, Troy Edwards being the odd man out. The Birds should swoop in and pick him up immediately. Then, cut Na� Brown. Literally. As in his head. Off. It would make so many so happy�
Did someone say Drew Bledsoe? Or was it Tempestt Bledsoe? What is she doing now? I mean other than crystal meth? Well, whatever. Listen, Drew is a big upgrade over Rob Johnson. But, unless the Bills have seriously upgraded that OL and gotten themselves a RB who actually wants to move forward with ball in tow, Drew ain�t gonna get the time to throw to Moulds and Price. The Bills will definitely improve over their 3-13 last year. It says here they go to 7-9. Hey, I wish I could say it would be better. I got a soft spot in my heart for Buffalo. After all, I�m hung like one�
Ricky Williams you ask? Esther Williams, I ask. Well, first of all, what�s with Ricky�s MOVE-inspired hair do? Is he changing his name to "Ricky Africa"? Or did he do the �do for a more Rastafarian, Bob Marley-esque look? Hey, Ricky! Bob Marley was a great musician. But, he got cancer in his big toe and thought that if he kept smoking reefer it would go away. Yeah, right. Well, we know how that turned out, eh? Anyway, Ricky is with the Fish now. And, he�s on Paxil. Yeah, like that�s gonna make his hands bigger so he can catch a pass and hold on to the football. Folks, lemme tell ya, artifical ingredients don�t make you better at anything. Listen, when I was wasted I thought I was Ron Jeremy. That doesn�t mean I was. Besides, the Fish got that "Born to Carry a Clipboard" excuse for a QB in Jay Fieldler, Arthur�s bastard grandson. Listen, I�m faster and I got a better arm than Jay Fiedler. I�m also 43. And, that pretty much tells you all you need to know about the QB position in the NFL. The Fish get beyond round 1 this year. Maybe beyond round 2. But, they ain�t Super Bowl bound.
Well, that�s enough for now. Hope you enjoyed the opening installment of Uncle Robs� message.
The Unc