"What it is to Hate"
PAIRING: Harry Potter / Severus Snape
RATING: R
WARNINGS: Angst angst angst. Ambiguous character death.
SUMMARY: Harry and Snape from pre-HPB to post- HPB.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter




Harry hates the way Snape always keeps him waiting.

The dark potions professor had coldly declared, "Tonight, nine sharp, you cannot be late" but Harry is here, Harry isn't late at all, but Snape hasn't shown. Harry can't understand why Severus had been acting strange lately, why they have all been acting strange lately, him and Snape and Draco and Hermione and Ron... a soft pop announces Severus' arrival into number 12 Grimmauld Place. Harry looks up.

Harry hates how Snape never apologizes.

Its just cold features and hot hot hands, immediately touching searching wanting. He stares into those piercing black eyes until he sees them melt away to tenderness and maybe even love and need. Now he responds.

There is something different about this night, something desperate and new and dark. Harry still doesn't understand when Severus breathes broken pleas and promises into his ear as they move together. When they both hit orgasm hard it feels like their first time. Harry swears he hears a soft sob of anguish. He disregards it in the throws of pleasure, and when he comes to, Severus is cold again, distant.

Harry decides he hates Snape.

"Why can't you ever...!" Harry begins and its another fight, one that, he's sure, Severus was counting on. But Harry has had enough, he is crying and his heart just hurts. He hates this, he hates this so much and he hates himself most for "Because I love you!". Snape stills and quiet blankets the room. Harry wishes he could see Snape's expression... Severus' expression. Snape tells him to leave... Harry does.

+

Harry hates Snape. Hates him like he cannot believe and Dumbledore is falling but he isn't screaming and Harry can almost see the expression on the headmaster's face; accepting, disappointed, tired. Red haze settles in his vision and he is screaming and he can't stop. He wants to kill the man he loves, wants to see him twitch and writhe and turn inside-out.

"COWARD!" But Harry wonders if he is the coward, kill him kill him kill him. And then Snape is suddenly gone, his lovely, distracting, murderous hands gone.

Harry hates that Snape always leaves him alone.

+

At Dumbledore's funeral Harry isn't paying attention. Harry is replaying the scenes over and over in his head. Harry is trying to come to terms with the death of his mentor and the betrayal of his lover. Harry is trying his hardest to cry, to not cry. His heart aches, it feels empty. He feels used up, raw and open.

What else can Harry do, but go on?

He begins training again.

+

At the order meetings everyone tells him that Snape is really on their side, that Dumbledore had to be killed. Harry has seen the memory in the pensive. Harry knows this. Harry still hates. As hard as Lupin and Hermione try, they cannot make him change. He doesn't just hate Snape for killing Dumbledore, he hates Snape for using him as a toy while he loved and gave that man everything he had, gave him his heart. He hates day and night. It is his escape.

When he is sent to Gringotts to recover the latest Horcrux he knows the Death Eaters are on his heels. He hopes Snape is with them. He needs...

Yet the vault is empty. His booted steps echo hollow in the silent room. He stop for a moment, breathes deep. Harry feels distant. He feels disembodied. He finds the Horcrux in a dark corner, he examines the locket and pockets it. When he turns back to leave its the very man he hates who is blocking his exit. "Snape." Harry breathes, voice dead and cold in the quiet.

But it isn't Snape in front of him, its Severus, pleading eyes staring back at him. "Oh, Harry..." But Harry isn't listening, Harry hates, Harry hates, and its gone long past repair. The dark haired boy raises his wand at his former lover.

"Not Harry... not to you." Snape stands still, silent tears pouring from his black black black eyes. Snape waits for whatever Harry will throw his way. Harry hates that Snape can look death in the face. Harry hates that he still loves Severus, hates that when he sees him his heart beats again, beats faster. Harry is tired of being abused, tired of being taken for granted.

"Crucio."

The screams subside. Severus is crying and bleeding, he reaches out to Harry. "Harry... but I... I've always... I love you." But Harry needs and hates and wants...

"Avada Kedavra."



End