| Match 1 - Brian Ailshie The American French Alliance vs The Hobbits Group AC - Hogwarts Castle Ben Martin: Ok, we've learned that these 'kids' aren't just normal kids. So don't hold back this time. Brian: With that said the 4 allies head off together up the stairs. At least they're going up the stair at the beginning of their hike, before they know it they are totally turned around by the magics of Hogwarts School. Eventually they do come upon the 4 hobbits. The Hobbits were lost for a while, but then they found the kitchens. They've been there ever since. They don't hear the stealthy humans coming over the sounds of their feast. Gabriel: Aim small, miss small. Brian: He fires and Frodo goes down with a gruesome wound to the head. Ben fires next and Pippin goes down. Jacapo throws a knife into Merry's neck, and the Count charges Sam and cuts him down before he can overcome the shock of all of his friends being killed. Winner: A.F.A. (1-1) The Hobbits (0-1) Match 2 - RJ Harris NY Heroes vs The Goblins Group B--Mannhatten Kermit (in his reporter's uniform): Kermit the Frog here, with a report on today's exciting match. It was clear that from the beginning the goblins didn't like this at all. Fighting their enemies...in a deserted city...What's the fun in that? But the battle must go on. It all started when.. Piggy (interrupting): I'll take it from here Kermmy! (Kermit backs away.) Those so called heroes were just sitting on top of the Empire State building waiting for the Goblins to show. Now if I was in this so called Fantastic Rumble Tournament, I'd... Brian: Ms. Piggy do I have to remind you of the conditions in which you agreed to commentate? Piggy: Why, no President Brian...Ha ha...I was merely saying for dramatic effect what moi would do. Brian: Just stick to telling us about the match, OK? Piggy: Why of course, I was just about to say that Kermmy here will tell us about the goblins approach. Kermit: Thanks Piggy. The Goblins decided that a 4 front attack would be the best. Venom took his route through the sewers, while the other 3 planned an air attack, each of them... Madden (bursting away from the orc guards in the Time Out Room--finishing the sentence): ...focusing on a different member of the Heroes. Now you can see here..(He takes his marker out and before he can draw on the glass, Ms. Piggy comes up to him.) Piggy: Oh no you don't! (She karate chops his knee cap.) HIIIIII-HAAAAA! (Madden falls, mubbles something about his kneecap and is dragged back to the TOR by the orc guards.) Please continue Kermy. RJ: Hey what's the use? You guys will just get interrupted again. Jamie: They won't if you just let them talk love. Go on guys. Kermit: Thank you Jamie--Anyway, Mighty Mouse was flying around doing a patrol and saw all 3 goblins coming in. Let's listen in: Mighty: HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! (Lands on Spiderman.) Spidy: OK, guys that's our cue, these goblins are coming--sure hope that they don't give us the same trouble that the Mob did. I'll take the Green Goblin, Electra you work on the Hobgoblin, and Daredevil you work on Doc Oc. Mighty, keep flying around distracting them. Mighty (flys off): HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! Piggy: That handsome Spider-man flings some webbing onto the Green Goblins Glider--he then snatches the off guard goblin in mid air and ties him to the spire of the E.S.B. with webbing. He's caught. The whole process knocks off his mask. Weird Al: AAAHHHHHHHH! William Defoe! He really is scarier without the mask on. Oh well, he's as good as dead. Green Goblin quoting Monty Python: I'M NOT DEAD YET! Kermit: But Electra is dead! She was attacking the Hobgoblin and got hit by a pumpkin bomb. Oh nasty. Daredevil was too preoccupied with Doc Oc to help. He does however manage to go and take her sai from her cold dead grip. Piggy: Meanwhile Spidey and the Hobgoblin lash out in a battle--no clear advatage yet. Mighty has been bothering Doc O, too--constantly shouting "HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!". He and Daredevil are leading the octopus higher and higher...up towards the Empire Spire. Green Goblin: Look out Oc! Kermit: But it is too late--one of Doc Oc's tentacles has sliced Green Goblin's head clean off. RJ: EEEWWW! That's messy! Piggy: But that is not all! It appears that Doc finally got a hold of Mighty. Doc Oc: Save THIS! (He crushes the mouse with his claws then punches him into the building.) Kermit: Unfortunately, the damage has now been done. Daredevil has lead the unsuspecting doctor around the top of the building--it is too unstable to hold Oc's and Daredevils weights. It begins to fall with both of them. As they try to escape, Spiderman knocks out Hobgoblin and jumps up to intercept the falling debris. Spidey: No so fast, Long Legs! Piggy: He straps Oc to the falling building and takes Daredevil up to a safe ledge. Oc continues to fall and he and the building land on top of Hobgoblin in a sickening sound of crushed metal, bones, blood, and dust. Jamie: No, now that's really messy. Kermit: From atop their new safety ledge we hear: Daredevil: Thanks. Well that should do it now. Spidey: But I was sure there was Venom too. I know he's here somewhere! Joey (interrupting): Hey, hello whatever happened to Venom?!? RJ: Just watch! He was hiding in the sewers waiting for his moment. Daredevil (un-interrupting): I got it. Piggy: He takes one of Electra's sai and rams it into Venom's chest. The symbiote falls to his death. Daredevil smiles at Spiderman and says: Daredevil: I kinda have a special sense too. Come on Spiderman--let get outta here. Kermit: And they both do just that--victory to the Heroes! Winner: N.Y. Heroes (2-0) Goblins (0-1) Match 3 - Alexander Strub Nazgul vs. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Group V - Minas Morgul Once again the League is up against ultra-powerful Lord of the Rings characters. Tom Sawyer prepared to shoot the Witch King with his pistol, but the Lord of the Nazgul's massive morning star not only knocked the gun out of his hand, and broke his arm backwards. The Witch-King's broadsword finished him off. Meanwhile the Witch-King's lieutenant, Khamul the Black Easterling, faced Alan Quartermain. Quartemain knew better than to waste precious seconds with his elephant gun this time, and drew a large machete. Of course, Khamul was impervious to this also. Quartemain ended up hacked to bits on the ground. Akhorahil the Black Numenorean was not the slightest bit intimidated by Dr. Jekyll's warning, and stabbed the fool with a Morgul blade. The evil weapon's dark powers caused Jekyll to revert ot his Mr. Hyde form. The criminally insane monster leapt at Akhorahil, who sliced him in half with a shriek. Captain Nemo and Skinner had used their comrades demise to team up on the Witch King. The Witch-King grabbed Nemo around the throat, snuffing out his life with a sickening snap as he clenched his mailed fist. Skinner thought to use his invisibility to his advantage, but did not realize that the Nazgul exist on another plane of existence, and are also invisible, were it not for their black cloaks. Thus all three of his deadly opponents had known where he was the whole time, and had simply ignored because of his incapacity at posing a threat. Now that he was attempting to be aggressive, the Witch King of Angmar finished him easily. Winnerr: The Nazgul (1-0) The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (0-2) Match 4 - Robert Newell We-sa Gotta Grand Army vs. The X-men Group Z - Ewok Village, Endor Robert: This is going to be messy. George Lucas: Yeah, because there is no way those four mutants will stand a... Robert: Quiet you! Brian, did you really put Jar Jar Binks on one side and Wolverine on the other? Brian: Yep, that's the way the seeding happened. Robert: Well, its over now, lets do a recap. Cyclops and Storm blasted a ring around the village with eye beams and lightning bolts. Jean Grey used her telepathic and telekinetic abilities to prevent any of the Grand Army from leaving the village. Wolverine extended his claws and went hunting. In the end, there wasn't enough left of the exoks to bury. Wolvernine began with disembowling them and went from there. Their sheer annoyingness sent him into a berzerk fury. The gungans were another story. He took his time with Jar Jar. He was several hours dying. Wolverine got hit with a few arrows and a few logs in the whole extermination, but it was nothing his healing factor couldn't handle. Winner: The X-men (2-0) Loser: We-sa Gotta Grand Army (2-1) Match 5 - Mark Ailshie Bracket AA Pokemon vs. Power Puff Girls Mark: What have we missed, Tazz? Tazz: About what you'd expect, Mark. Three on one, and the three can fly, bend iron bars, and shoot lasers out of their eyes--the Power Puff Girls are kicking Ash's little japanimated butt! Weird Al: Krabby, Snubbull, Venonat; Mankey, Chansey and Zubat; Slowking, Ditto, Butterfree; Lugia and Caterpie; Oddish, Poliwag, Goldeen; Elekid and Nidoqueen; Victreebel and Magneton - Everybody Polkamon! Tazz: Well, the Pokemon were seen briefly. Ash sent out Charizard, Venusaur and Blastoise, but Buttercup threw Blastoise into the wall so hard it cracked his shell and he fainted. Then Blossom fried Venusaur with her laser-eyes and he fainted, and Bubbles tied Charizard up in a giant ball of string and tossed him into the river, so he drowned and fainted. Weird Al: Aerodactyl, Seel, Machoke; Marill, Moltres, then Slowpoke; Articuno, Ditto, Muk; Flareon and ol' Psyduck; Cloyster, Kingler, Shellder, Gloom; Snorlax and of course Vileplume; Zapdos and Charmeleon -Everybody Polkamon! Mark: But this battle is to the death--if they've only fainted...? Tazz: Oh, that's just pokemon slang. They're actually dead. And now, the girls are pummeling Ash himself so much, he can't send out another pokemon. Finally, Bubbles and Blossom smash Ash's head against a wall, and his skull cracks! Weird Al: It's time to polka; For Ponyta and Pidgey too; Come on put on your lederhosen; And try not to stamp on little Pikachu; You'd better grab yourself a partner; Like Tentacruel or Bulbasaur (Bulbasaur); Hold on a minute - there's still at least a hundred and twenty-seven more... Tazz: But just before he dies, Ash whispers something... Ash: Pikachu, I choose you. Urk! Tazz: He's dead! But now Pikachu comes out of his pokeball. Pikachu: Pika, Pika! Bubbles, Buttercup, and Blossom: Oh my goodness! He's just so cute! Tazz: The Power Puff Girls are all over the little electric mouse pokemon! And they are inexplicably charmed by his cuteness. I guess all the other pokemon they considered monsters, but this one they think of as a pet. I don't think I like where this is going... Weird Al: Including Ledyba and Omastar; Jynx, Bellossom and Magmar; Geodude and Arcanine; Jiggypuff and Mr. Mime; Don't forget about Sandslash; Exeggcute and Rapidash; Lickitung and Porygon - Everybody Polkamon! Tazz: When all three are hugging Pikachu, the little yellow rat's cheeks suddenly begin to crackle ominously, and... Pikachu: PIKA-CHOOOOOOOOO!!! Tazz: Whoa! That was a thunder blast to end all thunder blasts! And it looks like all three Power Puff Girls were electrocuted at once! Weird Al: Everybody Polkamon! Everybody Polkamon! Winner: Pokemon (2-2) PowerPuff Girls (0-1) Match 6 - Brian Ailshie True Soldier vs Ungol's Surprise Group S - Cumorah Battlefield Tolkien: Ah! A great battle this shall be. Shelob is feasting on the corpses of the dead warriors. There certainly are a lot of them. Brian: over 160,000 actually. John Madden: Gollum is looking around nearby. This is the path he's taken. (he starts doodling all over the window, shooting glares at Jaime all the while. <<**BLAMM**>> Brian: Pvt. Jackson just shot Gollum. The WWII sniper got him between the eyes. Unfortunately for the solder, the noise alerted Shelob. This could get messy real fast. She charges the bush that Jackson is using for cover. He takes a desperate shot at her and starts to run for cover. The bullet ricochet's off her shoulder and Shelob leaps on him. Suddenly the field erupts with noise. Col. Moore opens up with his M-16, and next to him Sgt. Major Plumley fires his 9mm. Shelob drops Jackson's corpse and charges these new pests. The bullets bounce off her thick hide. Tolkien: HA! There's no stopping the Great Spider! <<**BLAMM**>> Brian: Shelob collapses to the ground mere feet from the two soldiers. Lucky for them they brought two WWII snipers along. Sgt. 'Shifty' Powers, hit the spider between the eyes. That is a known week spot. The shell went all the way through to her back end. She's a gonner. Looks like this wasn't your week Professor Tolkien. Sorry. Winner: True Soldiers (1-0) Ungol's Surprise (0-1) Match 7 - Robert Newell Group AB - USS Enterprise NCC 1701-D Team Nintendo vs. Alien vs Predator Megaman and Samus looked down at the remains of Kid Icarus. Somthing had bitten his head off. Samus realized that he had been killed from above and looked up just in time to see an alien leap down on her. Aliens are not very sturdy and a few shots from her arm cannon blasted it to bits. She told Megaman to take point and they kept moving, looking for the rest of their opponents. The Predator extended his wrist blade and reached back to decapitate Link. Link heard the very quiet movement and was able to bring up the master sword to block the blow. The Predator cursed in his guttural language and struck repeatedly. Link knew he was in trouble so he put on his invisibility cloak and slipped away. The Predator was stunned. Nothing had ever been able to elude him like that. He switched viewing modes until he could see Link again. His temporary losing sight of Link would cost him. Link had thrown a bomb at him that, while not hurting too badly when it blew, did manage to blow a man mized hole in the side of the Enterprise. The Predator was sucked out into hard vacuum, but Link thought quickly and latched onto the wall with his hook-shot until emergency force-fields sealed the gaping hole. Samus had fed some of the Alien dna into her scanners, hoping that it would be similar enough to a metroid that she could learn something about how to track any more of them that they might come across. Sure enough, Samus soon was tracking the Alien Queen with Megaman leading the way. Samus and Megaman found the Queen in cargo bay 4. They entered, guns and missiles blazing and the Queen was soon nothing more than a greasy spot on the wall. Winner: Team Nintendo (2-1) Loser: Alien vs. Predator (1-2) Match 8 - Mark Ailshie A-Team vs. Big Monsters Group X - Downtown LA Crow: Well! Washed up 80's TV stars against big rubber monster movie stars. This should be great. Joel: Come on, be nice, Crow. I used to love the A-team when I was a kid. Tom: That doesn't necessarily speak well for it, Joel. Let's face it: the A-team is a one trick pony. Here they are, an entire city to choose from, and what are they doing? Raiding the Police SWAT team and attaching a missile launcher to what was already an armored car. We ALL saw that coming! All they ever did was make armor-plated cars for four seasons! Joel: well, it kept working, alright? Look, no one's even mentioning the other team in this, okay? It looks like there's some dissension in the ranks. Crow: That's putting it mildly, Joel. Simply put, King Kong and Godzilla don't have fifty working brain cells between them, and the Rancor hasn't got any. They don't know they're supposed to be a team, they don't know they're in a tournament, they don't even know how to find their way out of a paperbag, except by smashing it to pieces. Tom: The long and short of it is, Godzilla and King Kong are fighting each other, and destroying half the city in the process. The Rancor, being slightly smaller, has so far avoided them. So, here we have a battle between three HUGE guys that are dumber than a box of sticks and don't work together well, against FOUR guys that are very intelligent and work together as a cohesive unit, as long as no one tries to get B.A. onto a plane. Crow: My money's on the monsters. Anyway, the Team piles into the armored car, and smashes through the wall of the SWAT team's garage. Joel: 'Sorry! My fault!' Tom: The A-Team crashes their sorry has-been carcasses down the street, looking for the Rancor, I assume--they can't have any trouble finding the other two. Joel: They're not has-beens, Tom, geez! They're even talking about making a new movie with them. Tom: Really? I would thing Mr. T's too old to play that part. Joel: Well, they're talking about making it without him. Crow: What? You can't make the A-team without Mr. T! He HAS to be in the A-team movie. I want T in A! Tom: You watch your mouth, Crow. Oh, look! The A-team has found the rancor, and open up their machine guns. Unfortunately, they don't shoot too straight (witness, in four seasons, they never hit anybody). The rancor punches the side of the car, and knocks it against a wall. Joel: They keep shooting, but they're just getting the Rancor mad. He grabs the car and pries one of the doors off, reaches inside and pulls out Face man! Crow: Lt. Starbuck, no! Tom: Oh, yes! The Rancor eats him alive, and reaches for another. He grabs Mr T, Joel: But Clubber Lang hurls a hand grenade into his open mouth, and The Rancor's intestines are blown into soup! Way to go, B.A.! Crow: Hey, what does B.A. stand for anyway? Joel: 'Bachelor of Arts.' Anyway, now B.A. and Hannibal start repairing the damaged door, Howling Mad Murdock runs off to get a helicopter. Hannibal explains the plan is to let one of the huge monsters kill the other one, and then attack while they're weak. Tom: Smart! Cowardly, true, but definitely smart. Joel: Meanwhile, King Kong and Godzilla have been tearing each other apart. Godzilla swings his tail, but Kong catches it and bites a chunk out of it. Tom, Joel, and Crow: God-zil-la is really neat, he is ull of lizard meat, we've been eating God-zil-laaaaa! Joel: and now, Godzilla is really angry and lashes out with teeth and claws. Kong is bloody and bruised. And now Godzilla rears back and breathes his big fire thing! Crow: Now, why didn't he do this in the first place? Did he forget he could do this? Tom: In a few seconds, King Kong is reduced to a mountain of Mutilated Monkey Meat. Godzilla roars in triumph. Hannibal: That's our cue. Joel: The A-Team armored car crashes out of the streets, and Hannibal puts a rocket launcher to his shoulder. Murdock flies in with a helicopter, spraying bullets at the big green lizard. Crow: But, even with his wounds from King Kong, Godzilla is only annoyed by bullets. He swats the chopper out of the sky, and it smashes against a skyscraper and explodes. B.A.: That's why I never fly in no plane! You got that rocket ready, Hannibal? Tom: In answer, Hannibal lets the rocket fly. Godzilla, distracted by the chopper, didn't even see it coming. Ka-boom!! Crow: The rocket nailed him right in the face. Hannibal smiles and laughs and pulls out a cigar. Hannibal: I love it when a... Joel: But a huge angry roar interrupts him! It seems that even a rocket to the face is only enough to STUN the giant japanese dragon. And suddenly, the armored car is bathed in orange flame! Hannibal, whose head was out the window, is reduced to ashes. Tom: Mr. T tries to escape by swerving and driving off, but Godzilla closes the gap in two steps and then sweeps the street with his huge tail! Joel: The A-team mobile is smashed against the side of the building. Mr. T is stunned, and then the building collapses on top of him! Crow: And Mr. T brings down the house again! The car is crushed, and Godzilla roars in triumph once again! Tom: So Godzilla wins, even if he IS as dumb as a bag of hammers. Winner: Big Monsters (1-0) A-Team (1-1) Match 9 - Mark Ailshie We-sa Gotta Grand Army vs. Brotherhood of Mutants Group Z - Ewok village "I can't understand it," says Magneto through gritted teeth. How can there be TWO entire cultures using absolutely NO metal in their weaponry?" Mystique opens her mouth to answer, but must dive to avoid a rain of grapeshot boombas that pepper the ground around them. The little electric jelly-balls prove their effectiveness by punching through trees and rocks. If they hit a living creature, they will operate like a water-balloon filled with hydrochloric acid. Sabertooth points at the Ewok village, high in the trees. "They came from over there," he says. The four evil mutants charge toward their attackers. But, intent on his prey, Sabertooth doesn't notice the Ewok snare-line trap until he steps in it. The vine snaps taut, whipping Sabertooth into the air and sending him sailing across the forest. He crash lands, several miles away, his body crushed by the impact. "Don't move," Magneto warns. "There may be more of--" "Chargen, there!" shouts Captain Tarpals, and he and Jar Jar charge out of the foliage on their Kaadu mounts, bolas swinging as they go. Tarpals lets his bola fly, and it whips around Magneto's neck, snapping it cleanly. Jar Jar's bola instead spins around his Kaadu's reins, causing the poor beast to charge off in a random direction. Jar Jar tries to grab the reins, but instead falls off the saddle, catching his foot in the stirrup and ends up getting dragged some nine hundred yards before he can get the beast under control. Meanwhile, Lady DeathStrike whips out her claws and attacks Tarpals an his mount. In moments, Tarpals is reduced to shreds of quivering bloody meat. "Good,' says Mystique, still shaken at losing half their number in such a bold ambush. "Now, if we can move subtly toward the village in the trees..." But Lady D doesn't do 'subtly.' She flexes her claws and charges. Mystique sighs and moves out of sight. Boombas from the catapults mounted in the Ewok Village pelt the ground at Lady DeathStrike's feet, but she manages to evade them. She reaches the base of the tree and begins to climb. Using her claws, she reaches the top in a matter of seconds, where she spots the two little bear-like creatures operating the catapults. "Cheechi-womba!" shrieks Wicket, and he and Chief Chirpa scramble away. Lady Deathstrike snarls and swoops after them. The ewoks leap onto a vine and swing across to a different platform, trying to evade her, but Deathstrike follows. She is faster than the ewoks, and obviously more deadly, but the ewoks are in their home and know it very well. They split up, each taking a different vine off the next platform, and Deathstrike follows Wicket. She reaches the new platform only seconds behind him, and only barely misses slicing his head off as he dives onto another vine. She follows, and this time she lands almost on top of the ewok. She reaches up her arm to swipe at him when... >THUMP!< ...when Chief Chirpa swings across from a different direction and kicks her in the face. She teeters on the edge for a split second, and then tumbles, her arms pinwheeling, the long fifty feet to the forest floor below. The fall does not kill her, but she is nicely stunned. She awakes about a half-hour later to the sound of singing. "Luka, luka loo-la, luka, luka, luka, loo..." She opens her eyes and sees a bonfire. Very close. She tries to move and finds herself tied tightly to a spit. She struggle and fights, but these Ewok knots are intended to hold much bigger prey than her. She is being turned slowly over a fire, and her flesh is beginning to brown. Her mutant healing factor will protect her for a good while, but not indefinitely. A few hours later, The ewoks discover that even mutated, human flesh is still very sweet. As the sun begins to fade to dusk, Jar Jar returns to the scene of his botched ambush attempt. He looks down at Magneto's corpse and wrinkles his nose. "Dissen very bad. Icky-poo!" "Hey yousa!" Jar Jar turns and sees his friend Captain Tarpals. "Meesa been looking for yoosa. "Cap'n Tarpals?" Jar Jar says doubtfully. There's something about his Gungan language that sounds wrong. "Meesa sorry myan fell offen the kaadu. What happened?" Captain Tarpals claps him on the shoulder affectionately. "Weesa won! Weesa goin home." Jar Jar shakes his head. "No, no! One of themsa still here. The match still goin'." Captain Tarpals smiles broadly. "Don worry, meesa buddy! Dem Ewoks eatta da last two. Yoosa doin grand as us-en leader!" Jar Jar nods suddenly. "Oh! Meesa get it. Uh... Here come da ewoks!" Jar Jar says, pointing behind Tarpals. Tarpals turns. "Where? Meesa no seein dem." He turns back to recieve a boomba smashed into his face at point blank range. The blue ball explodes across 'Tarpals' face. Mystique screams in agony, droping her facade as the blue goop begins to eat through her skin. "No way, dere!" says Jar Jar. "Cap'n Tarpals isna neva been dat nice to me." Mystique's screams continue for a few seconds, but she shortly passes out from the pain and dies. Jar Jar prods her corpse with his toe. "Icky-poo!' Yoo know what dis'n means? WEESA WON AGAAAAIIINNN!" Jar Jar shouts, and steps in one of the Ewok's rope snares, which yanks him upside down twenty feet in the air. Winners: Weesa Gotta Grand Army (3-0) Brotherhood of Mutants (2-2) |