T3week8

Match 1 - RJ Harris
Star Trekkers vs The Enforcers
Group M - Florida Everglades

Fade to scene, interior of commentating booth. You see Snoopy sitting on his doghouse, typing:
Snoopy types: "It was a dark and stormy night..."
RJ, entering from the door, followed by the other commentators: No it wasn't! Think about it Joe Cool. It's FLOR-I-DA!
Jamie: And? Florida has storms too and it does get dark. Just because it is in the Everglades it doen't mean it cannot be a dark night and storming at the same time there.
Mark: You know she has a point.
RJ (sighs): Alrighty, then Snoopy, proceed.
Snoopy smiles and continues to type..
"It was a dark and stormy night. The mighty band of travelers had been looking for their foes for hours. It was obvious that they were lost. It was after all a swamp. The leader held up his hand to halt those behind him. They were wet and getting anxious to move in on their prey. As the others circled about him, the leader spoke:
"'OK, men. I know that ya' all are tired. H***, I am too. We don't have any time limit so I say that we make for that large clump of trees on the top of the hill over there and make camp for the night. Whadda say?"
"His voice was gruff. Almost as if he was speaking into a meat grinder or had been a chain smoker for a dozen years. The other men in the group quickly agreed to suggestion...or was it an order..and the Enforcers trotted off to the hilltop.
"Meanwhile, another group of travelers were watching the men approach from a makeshift treehouse on the top of the same hill. The voice of the oddly shaped platform spoke to the leader above him. 'Dr. Spock, the treehouse idea was very...logical.'
"'I know, Odo, I am surprised though that the human didn't think of it first.' The alien turned to the woman as he spoke. She smiled. The young boy that was with them did not say a word, but turned away and stared out into the dark and stormy night.
RJ: Snoopy, you used that line already.
Jamie: Honey, that's OK. He has also used the word "the" like 20 times now.
Data: 18 actually.
Jamie: Anyway, it doesn't matter. You decided to invite Snoopy to commentate this match so let him do it. Go on Snoopy, finish it up.
Snoopy continues:
"The Doctor spoke: 'Now lets stick to the plan. Wesley that means that...'
"'I know, I know! I stay here, with Odo. I don't see why I can't help fight them with you and 7 of 9. There are from my planet after all.
"'You'll get to help when you stop screwing things up, Crusher.' As the woman spoke you could almost feel the air around her get warmer. Yet there was still something very....unnatural about her. 'Those cops will be here soon. ETA 3 minutes.'
"Spock nodded. 'OK then, positions everyone!' Only Wesley had already decide he was not going follow intructions. He quietly jumped out of Odo's treehouse and ran into the trees.
"The Enforcers made their weary way to the top of the windblown hill. The safety of the trees was a welcome haven--the men set their pack and weapons down. They were enjoying their rest until a phaser shot rang out. Spock's aim was exactly on target. Immediatly, Sledge Hammer fell. His face in a sickly twisted expression of pain, horror, and death.
"'Where did that d*** shot come from!' shouted Gerrard. The camp was now in a frenzy. Men diving for as many guns as they could pack. The 3 remaining Enforcers back up into each other for protection. As their eyes gazed to the canopy above, a women dropped gracefully to the ground. The dim light hid her non-human characteristics. McClain was the first to approach her.
"'Hey, baby, whatcha doin' here?' He went towards her, being drawn like a moth to a flame. The shouts of his comrades to step back went unheeded. In one motion, she kicked him across the face, grabbed two of his own guns and unloaded them between his eyes. McClain's corpse landed near that of his fellow Enforcer.
"Harry swore bitterly as he and Gerrard hid from 7 of 9 behind two large palm trees. 'Well, Sam, I guess us two will have to take on these freaks. I grabbed a couple of grenades off of John before he bit the big one. On three we toss em to that...woman.' Sam nodded in agreement. Harry continued, 'OK...1...2...'
"He never made it to three; Spock's famous Vulcan grip paralyzed Harry and he never threw the grenade. Unfortunately he had already pulled the pin--Dirty Harry and Dr. Spock's heads were blown clean off. So much for live long and prosper. Sam did toss his at 7 of 9 and quickly dived out of the way. His aim was dead on and the blast killed not only the former Borg, but the shape-shifter too. Sam Gerrard shook the muck off of himself and trotted off thinking he had won. Then Wesley stepped out from behind a tree.
"Sam spoke, 'Hey kid...what are you doing?'
"Wesley replied matter-of-factly, 'Thinking.'
"'Well, before I kill you, why don't you go think me up a cup of coffee and a doughnut with some of those...'
"Sam never got to finish his famous line. Wesley has set his phaser to kill and shot the detective. Sam fell face first back into the muck.
Wesley Crusher walked off, having won the victory for his team, back into the dark and stormy night."

Winner: Star Trekkers (1-2)
Enforcers (0-2)

Match 2 - Brian Ailshie
Deceptacons vs Brotherhood of Mutants
Group Z - Ewok Village, Endor

Luke Skywalker: I have a bad feeling about this.
Brian: You ain't just a kidding. I think this one will go pretty quickly. Magneto and his men are at the base of one of the giant Endor trees. The Deceptacons come roaring in.
Starscream: There they are, let's fry the little suckers fast!
Thundercracker: Let's take this a little more carefully than last time, remember? Hey, slow down.
Starscream: I CAN'T! WHAT'S GOING ON!!!
Brian: Yeah, that's what I thought. The two Jets, and the cranky leader flying behind them, keep building speed until they crash right into the ground at full throttle. Magneto didn't even break a sweat.

Winner: Brotherhood of Mutants (2-1)
Deceptacons (0-2)

Match 3 - Cindy Ailshie
Jedi Knights vs. The Sith
Group H - Castle Greyskull

As the three Sith Lords prepare for their confrontation with their new opponents, it becomes clear that there is already a conflict within their ranks. Darth Vader and Tyrannus are engaged in a vicious argument, wherein Dooku argues that since he has the seniority, he really ought to be leading. Vader, in his usual sardonic wit, replies, "If you are speaking of age, then yes, you ought to already be dead and buried. If you are speaking of experience and expertise, however, you must concede that I far outrank you. Did not your master specifically discard you in favor of me?" Tyrannus retorts, "I believe that was before you had your remaining three limbs replaced by awkward metal fascimiles - your first limb, of course, being removed by yours truly." Vader leans toward him menacingly. "Don't make me kill you again, old man!"
Maul, meanwhile, is silently watching the exchange with quick eyes, ready to step like an attack dog if a fight ensues - probably to take sides with whoever is stronger. However, it's just then that the Jedi are heard coming down the corridor - quietly, but the Sith all have highly attuned senses, and pull out their sabers in a lightning-quick movement.
Just around the corner, Anakin and Obi-Wan's weapons are ignited just as quickly, while Padm�, at the rear, lifts her blaster into position, set on obliterate mode. "Keep behind me," Anakin says protectively, while Padm� rolls her eyes. Obi-Wan hushes them. "We're almost upon them," he whispers. "I sense disunion among them; they may not protect each other unless it's a matter of personal advantage." Anakin and Padm� nod, then at Obi-Wan's motion they leap out from arond the corner. Padm� starts firing her blaster immediately, and though she is an excellent shot, her blasts are deflected by the first figure she aims at, Lord Tyrannus. Obi-Wan has engaged Maul, perhaps from the memory of what this Sith did to his old master, and the two are going at it Episode I-style. Anakin has in turn engaged Dooku, so Padm� is left to fire at Vader, little realizing what an effect it has on the Sith to see his estranged wife attacking him with a blaster. By reflex he lifts his saber to deflect the shots, but he hesitates to aim them back at her, and they bounce off the wall instead, causing little shards of stone to go flying. Some of the shards strike Anakin's head, distracting him enough to give Dooku the upper hand...literally. He slices off Anakin's right hand - again - leaving a mechanical stump. Anakin isn't in serious pain, however, and continues using his lightsaber with his single hand. Obviously Dooku now has quite an advantage, but Padm� lessens it with a shot that just misses his chest and hits his shoulder instead. Letting out a shout of pain, Tyrannus falters, and Anakin takes the chance to remove both of his hands, Episode III-style. And what of Vader? Pained by the memory of Padm�'s face when his unrestrained anger nearly choked her to death, he cannot attack her now, but he has no compunction about joining Maul against Obi-Wan. This isn't good news for the Jedi, who is now essetially facing three lightsabers against one. He manages to even the odds by cutting Maul's saber in two, but he's still losing ground fast. Anakin, however, joins him after quickly disposing of the disarmed Dooku, and helps to push the Sith back a few steps, though he is severely hampered by the lack of one hand. Padm�, confused by Vader's hesitation, focuses her blaster on Maul. A well-aimed shot to his head, and he crumples to the ground. Vader, instead of faltering, increases in fury, charging Obi-Wan and Anakin together. The sight of Padm�'s confused face only spurs him on, in grief and rage, to attempt to destroy his old Master and old self; both, he tells himself, responsible for the loss of his wife. Already exhausted from his duel with Maul, Obi-Wan has less and less success in blocking Vader's attacks, and at last, mistaking a lunge for a feint, he is run through with Vader's saber. "Stay back, Padm�!" Anakin shouts, and Vader rumbles, "You foolish boy! You don't deserve her!" "Who are you to say that?" Anakin demands breathlessly. "How could a Sith understand anything like that?"
"Foolish boy," Vader says again. Padm� lifts her blaster, but hesitates. For a moment it almost seemed like she was watching someone argue with himself in the mirror. In her moment of hesitation, Vader is able to slice off Anakin's other hand, which is quite painful this time since it was real flesh and bone. Now Vader moves in for the kill, running his saber into Anakin's chest - but not quite at the heart, almost like a instinct against suicide that won't be suppressed. Anakin howls in pain, but Iin the midst of his agony, he lifts the stump of his arm and uses the Force to pull a block of stone down from the ceiling, bringing it upon Vader's head. His helmet offers some protection, but he is still quite battered as he falls to the ground. The ceiling, unstable now, rains a few more rocks upon his fallen form, narrowly missing Padm�. And they lie beside each other, Jedi and Sith, both clinging to life, as Padm� runs to Anakin's side. She can only say his name and touch his face, looking helplessly at his wounds as death begins to claim him. He tries to say something, perhaps "I love you," but his breathing is already faltering, and now it stops entirely. Eyes blurring with tears, Padm� looks at Vader, but she cannot summon up hatred or a desire or vengeance. He's nearly dead in any case; the weight of the rocks is pressing upon his life-support system and turning his implacable breath into unsteady wheezing.
"Padm�," he says hoarsely. "I saved you. I finally saved you." And then he is gone.
Padm� looks at his black form, then at Anakin, and shudders.

Winner: Jedi Knights (1-0)
Sith (1-1)

Match 4 - Mark Ailshie
Dark Shehaps vs. Tolkien's Heroes
Group R - The Shire

"I'll scout their position, Gandalf" says Bilbo, slipping on his ring.
"No, Bilbo!" calls Gandalf. 'It is wholly evil! It will corrupt your soul!"
"Oh, don't be silly," Bilbo answers out of thin air.
"I'm the Bilbo from "The Hobbit", so this ring only makes me disappear."
Gandalf blows out his lips, but after all, this match shouldn't take long enough for Sauron to sieze the hobbit's soul. He raises his staff, turns to his fellow Istari Radagast the Brown, and says, "You go that way, I'll go this way. If you see our opponents
send up a firework."
"I don't see why you should have been listed before me," says Gasponac petulantly. "I'm centuries older than you."
"I outrank you," Korps answers curtly. Gasponac scowls. "There's no army here. It's only the three of us, so we ought to fall back into family arrangement." Korps stares at him with his deep-set unblinking eyes.
"I outrank you," he states again.
"Shut up both of you," says Malissant in a rasping voice that denies any refusal. "If either of you costs us this match with your foolishness, I'll disperse you both." It is not a threat. It is the unvarnished truth. They shut up. Then suddenly, across a low rolling hill appears a lone greybearded man in a long white cloak. Malissant sneers and cracks his knuckles. "This one is mine," he says. Gandalf frowns and shoots a firework from the tip of his staff.
Radagast sees the firework and comes running to aid his captain. But as he rounds the corner, he sees Gandalf and Malissant exchanging blasts of Fire, Ice, Spite and Malice. Gandalf defends as well as he can, but Malissant's rage and bitterness is without rival.
As we have found before, the two warriors are well-matched. Radagast hesitates, but across the clearing, a tall man whose face seems no more than skull with a thin sheath of skin pulled over it pulls a wicked black sword out of his cloak. Beside him, a haughty-looking man abruptly bursts aflame and begins to stride toward him. Radagast readies his powers, and calls upon the powers of earth and plant to aid him. Roots and creepers blast out of the ground and entwine the two sons of Kryton. Gasponac roars in rage, bursts his bonds, and throws a wave of Flame at the Brown wizard. Without thinking, Radagast dodges aside, preparing another attack.
Korps is trying to work himself free of the magical plant life, but he has another problem, of which he is unaware. Bilbo, still invisible, is sneaking up behind him, as quietly as a hobbit can sneak, and has a dagger prepared for him. Thus it is, when Korps finally frees himself from the roots an vines, it is only to find Sting rasping across his throat. The shehap chokes once on his own blood, and...
>BOOOOMMM!<
Unfortunately for Bilbo, he was unaware of what happens when a shehap is slain. As beings of pure magic, they cannot truly be killed--but their life force disperses, usually in an explosive way.
Malissant and Ravanark are exceptions, because they have been disembodied, and inhabit avatars--Malissant is powerful enough that he can often seize another host, while Ravanark must leap into the bodies of his loyal Barbon Bodyguards. Korps' essence bursts out of
his wound with an explosive shout, ripping the flesh from the hobbit's bones in seconds.
Gasponac, meanwhile, is faring very well against Radagast. The Brown wizard's power is based on plant and animal life. Gasponac, on the other hand, fights with living flame. Radagast summons a few friendly dogs, but Gasponac roasts them with a casual flick of his fingers. He seizes Radagast in a bear hug, and brusts into flame. Radagast screams in pain as he is burned alive, and Gasponac smiles sadistically. In a few minutes, he tosses the brown wizard's charred bones to the ground, and turns to see how his brothers are faring.
Malissant and Gandalf continue to trade blasts of force and power. Malissant is transformed with rage, twin columns of purple flame balanced on his hands.
He hurls his Hatred at the White Wizard, who calmly repels the attacks with his staff and sends them back at him. Gasponac hesitates. His brother HAD said that Gandalf was his alone. Still, if Gandalf was able to defeat him, he would find Gasponac easy. He raises a flame-engulfed arm and throws flame at the wizard.
Gandalf's breath catches. Fighting one dark shehap was hard enough, but to battle two at once might be imposible, even for him. Frantically, he tries to parry both attacks, as they begin to come faster and more furious. Finally, he slips in his rhythm, and Gasponac's fire catches his staff. Instantly, it bursts to cinders. Malissant shouts in triumph and a searing wave of Malice engulfs him. Gandalf tries to fight it back, but eventually, his physical form sucumbs, and he bursts into smoke.
The two brothers pant and gasp, flushed with their victory and exhausted from their exertions. Finally, Malissant walks up to his younger brother and punches him in the face.
"I said he was mine," he hisses. "Never defy me again."
Gasponac scowls, but nods and swears his obedience.

Winners: The Dark Shehaps (1-0)
Tolkien's Heroes (0-1)

Match 5 - Robert Newell
The Two Rivers Army vs The Three Musketeers
Group G - Minas Tirith

Robert: Athos and Perrin are really going at it. I guess Athos said something about Perrin's wife that he didn't care for, and now he's
trying to take the musketeer's head off with that massive axe of his.
Robert Jordan: Ha! First blood to the Two Rivers! Athos falls to the ground, short one head.
Alexander: That'll leave a mark!
Alexander Dumas: Zut alors! Il a tu� mon champion! Voyons comment il aime ceci.
Alexander: What did he say?
Robert: Something about... oh wow, Porthos pulled out his flintlock gun and shot Perrin! Faile looks like she's going to kill someone.
Robert Jordan: That seems likely. Yep, Porthos goes down with a dagger to the throat. Birgitte has taken Aramis out with an arrow to
the head as well.
Robert: Things are looking grim for the Two River's Army now though. D'artagnan shot Birgitte in the back and now has his sword to Faile's throat. He is having a hard time killing a lady now that he has stopped to think about it. His hesitation may cost him though.
Alexander Dumas: Pourquoi?
Robert: Because Perrin isn't dead. He's bleeding and dazed, but the sight of his wife in danger has given him a second wind. Faile sees
him coming and throws herself backwards as Perrin imbeds his axe in the young fool's head.
Alexander Dumas: C'est incroyable!

Winner: The Two Rivers Army (2-0)
The Three Musketeers (0-1)

Match 6 - Brian Ailshie
The American French Alliance vs The D.A.
Group AC - Hogwarts School

J.K. Rowling: Excuse me Ronald, Anne. My kids are on, we can talk more about authors of Great Britain later. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Neville are ready for their first match. They of course have a great home court advantage. They assemble at the Front Hall of the school.
Harry: Ok, guys. There's intruders in the school somewhere, lets round them up. Ron and Hermione, you two check this floor and go down through the dungeons. Neville and I will work our way upstairs. If you see anything use the coins that Hermione made to send a message.
Hermione: Ok, Harry. Good luck!
Rowling: A few moments later Harry and Neville are spotted by the American part of the A.F.A.
Ben Martin: They're just kids. They tell us to go fight the British, but this isn't right. We can't attack kids.
Gabriel: Careful dad, those are some pretty weird looking kids. Something's not right about them.
Brian: It seems that Harry and Ron have heard the voices of the 'Patriot' stars.
Neville: There's the intruders Harry! PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!
Rowling: Neville points his wand at Gabriel and for once the spell works. Gabriel goes totally stiff and falls over. WHOA! He fell way over. His paralyzed body falls over the balcony and falls to the second floor below. He didn't land very well.
Brian: Yes, look. His neck is definitely broken. Ben looks down at his son, and screams in agony. He lifts his musket and fires at the two boys. Neville and Harry dive for cover.
Harry: WINGARDIUM LIVIOSA!!
Rowling: Yes! Harry dives out and hits the Yank, with a spell!
Brian: Ben Martin starts to float in the air, and his next shot misses, WHOA! It went wide and ricocheted off the wall and back at him. Ben Martin takes a bullet in the chest. He's a goner.
Rowling: Harry grabs at his coin and sends a message to Ron. Ron doesn't answer right away because they've encountered the French part of the A.F.A.
Hermione: LUMOS!
Rowling: She fires the blast into Jacopo's eyes, as he charges her. The light hits him in the eyes and, blinded, he falls to the ground on top of his cutlass. It jabs through him, killing him on the spot.
Hermione gasps in horror. Her moment's astonishment costs her a slice across the chest as the Count of Monte Christo cuts her down with his sword. Ron yells on anger.
Ron: CRUCIO!
Rowling: The Count doubles over in pain, and falls on Jacopo's blade.

Winner: The D.A. (1-0)
American French Alliance (0-1)

Match 7 - Robert Newell
Red Hand Team vs. Team Hogwarts
Group E - The X Mansion

Gawyn and Egwene looked dreamily into each other's eyes. It had been so long since they had been together. The appearance of Hagrid and Fluffy broke their reverie. "A darkhound!" Egwene shrieked. She had heard of shadowspawn like these. She had also been told that they were hard to kill. Fortunately for Egwene, this wasn't a darkhound, so the fireball she threw killed it rather than just making it mad. Hagrid cried out in anguish. He charged the two with a berzerk fury. Gawyn's sword opened him up from knee to ear. The two lovers left the gory mess a little more alert than they had been before.
Mat and Thom were bantering as usual about pretty girls and horse racing when Snape and Dumbledore came into the room. Snape shot first and asked questions later as he targeted Mat with and "Expelarmius" trying to divest him of his ashanderi. Mat's medallion made Snape's spell fizzle harmlessly. Mat turned to the wizard. "You are either a rogue asha'man or one of the Forsaken and I'm not about to worry which one." Snape tried desperately to divert Mat with spell after spell, but it was futile. Mat charged Snape and skewered him on his staff/spear. Dumbledore saw that he was outclassed and tried to disapparate back to Hogwarts. The result of which caused him to
splatter messily on the anti-teleporting field surrounding the arena. Dumbledore will know better than to try that next time.

Winner: Rend Hand Team (1-0)
Loser: Team Hogwarts (1-1)

Match 8 - RJ Harris
Boxing Legends vs WWE Greats
Group O - Madison Square Garden

RJ: Well looks like this match is already underway... How did we miss the start of it?
Jamie: Well you know that nasty New York traffic is always a bother, but I think that storm had something to do with us missing out on a little bit of action. Maybe someone can recap for us?
John Madden: Oh I can! BAMM! (RJ & Jamie sigh.) So out walks the man..he flies like a butterfly, stings like a bee, and snaps necks like twigs. Ali took out Macho Man as he tried to do a body slam (with a Slim Jim still in his hand) on the Champ and with in the first few seconds it was an even 4 on 4.
Mark: Well I don't know about "even"
RJ: Well purely from a mathematical standpoint, I'd say...
Madden (interrupts by screaming): AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! No math except for stats! Anyway, Tyson went after Big Show. Ali and Andre tangled up. It was Foreman and Hogan and Frazier and the Ultimate Warrior. There was a lot of stuff being thrown. Here lets to a slow-mo replay and I'll take my marker and...
RJ & Jamie: NO! Security! (4 enormous Orcs come into the booth and Madden gets tossed out of the room.)
Mark: How 'bout you just bring us up to speed, Not Santa? I'm still sorry I invented you.
Not Santa: Ho HO HO! Well Iron Mike had him self a treat--some of Big Show's fingers! That really made the big guy mad. It was a small wound but the effects might be lasting. What a Merry Christmas present!
RJ: I think we can take it from here: It looks like Ultimate went all warrior on Joe Frazier--Joe is dazed and falls. The Warrior turns his
attention to Tyson. The advantage was to the WWE until Foreman landed a wicked combo on Hulk Hogan and the really bad movie star got handed a cracked skull from the really bad infomercial star.
Mark: But you can't die from a cracked skull!
Jamie: True--but it can be fatal if untreated and stepped on--especially by a giant.
RJ: Like one named Andre--it seems that "Fezzik" had "Cassius Clay" on the far rope.
Inigo: After all these years Ali still plays rope-a-dope.
Vezinni: No more rhymes I mean it!
Madden (from his Time Out Room): Hey, I found a peanut!
RJ: ANYWAY, a few hits from Andre did hurt Ali, but a really quick combo of jabs and uppercuts took Andre by surprise. He stumbles backwards, crushing Hulk's skull and Joe Frazier's in the process. EEWWW--that's messy.
Mark: The stumbling giant causes a chain reaction: He bumps into Big Show, who falls on both the Ultimate Warrior and Mike Tyson. Both are crushed and Big Show and Andre the Giant are down in semi-consciousness.
RJ: It is down to 2 for each--Ali and Foreman are up and it doesn't take them long to hit the life out of the fallen WWE Greats. Sorry Mark and you other wrestling fans, this one goes to the Boxing Legends.

Winner: Boxing Legends (1-2)
WWE Greats (1-1)