| Match 1 Power Rangers vs 3 Musketeers Toilet Bowl Round 1 - Atlantis Cindy Ailshie The Power Rangers stand there for a moment in their stupid plastic suits, looking in bewilderment at the skinny guys in tights. Then one of them attempts to kick down a Musketeer. "Sacre bleu!" Porthos says through his nose. "Mon dieu!" exclaims Athos, equally nasally. "Chicken Cordon Bleu!" cries D'Artagnan. They are all incensed at such a breech of their honor, and challenge the Power Rangers to a very French duel. The Power Rangers, unable to speak anything but dubbed English, stare at them blankly. Then they are neatly cut to ribbons by the Musketeer's hasty swordsmanship. Votes (RJ = Power Rangers, Robert = Power Rangers, Carol = 3 Musketeers, Jason = Power Rangers, Mark = Power Rangers, Brian = Power Rangers, Stacey = Power Rangers, Ailshie Kids = 3 Musketeers) Losers - Power Rangers (0-7) 7 votes to lose 3 Musketeers (1-6) 2 vote to lose Match 2 Star Trekkers vs English Enemies Toilet Bowl Round 1 - Atlantis RJ: Where have you been? We missed the latest edition of the Rumble. What do you have to say for yourself? Madden: Costco had a sale on chicken wings, so some of the orcs and I went down to get some-we kinda ran into some trouble. RJ: Trouble? What kind of trouble? Madden: Star War fans. They thought the orcs were in costume and kinda challenged them to a duel-it didn't go over too well for those Star Wars freaks. Ha! Ha! Lucas: We prefer to be called Star Wars fans! And who told you that you could take the orcs out? Did JRR give you permission? Tolkein: He most certainly did not! I'm afraid he will have to be punished. An Englishmen: He's a witch! Burn him! Brian: I'm sorry mate, but we don't do that here. We do however banish people to the Time Out Room. Go on in, John. You can come out in the next round. Madden (opens the door): Oh no! Not Santa (from inside the TOR): HO! HO! HO! Why if it isn't my least favorite announcer of any type of sport! My look how you've grown-you're fatter than me! How is my big afraid to fly chicken wing addict? Madden: This is going to be a long week. (He closes the door). RJ: Well, since we are already running late, let me just sum up what happened in this fight. First, Spock and his gang split up to scout out the English. Spock knew of their secret weapon but that didn't help much. He took a lookout for the Bunny and set 7 of 9 to fight whoever she found. Wesley and Odo ran into the Sheriff and Maligant. After a few photon blasts, and a sissy man-child cry, Odo came back to Spock. When he returned, Odo reported "Wesley's dead-again. I managed to kill of 2 of them though." Suddenly, 7 of 9 came running around a corner, followed by a Borg-Black Knight and a demented Bunny. Even with the knight to help fight off the Bunny and photon blasts a plenty, the tiny beast finally was quick enough to win his team a victory. Odo went down first and while Spock went down to say farewell to his wounded friend, the bunny bit off his pointy ears and chewed threw his neck. (Boy some of this should have been edited out for content!) 7 of 9 and the Borg Knight were last. The Bunny simply chewed off every limb of the knight and let him bled out. The real challenge for the Bunny was 7 of 9-it just wasn't her day. The Bunny went for her neck (CBG: "The best neck ever!") and she caught him. As she was about to assimilate the creature, a tremor hit Atlantis and she was unarmed for a brief moment-and that is all that the Bunny needed. Brian: Well, I guess a late match is better than no match at all. RJ: No problem-school has been really busy. You know, I have a feeling we should check in on the TOR. Madden (running out of the room, crying): Why do you have to be so mean? I like doing this and all you can do is make fun of me! Waaaaa! Not Santa: That's what I do best! HO! HO! HO! Weird Al: I really like that Not Santa guy! Votes (Robert = Star Trekkers, Carol = Star Trekkers, Jason = Star Trekkers, Mark = English Enemies, Brian = English Enemies) Losers - Star Trekkers (1-6) 4 votes to lose English Enemies (1-6) 2 votes to lose Match 3 Bears vs Team Shakespeare Toilet Bowl Round 1 - Atlantis Stephen Colbert: Nation, if I've told you once, I've told you 54 times, the number one threat to out fair land is neither Terrorists, Global Warming, or Hollywood activism. The number one threat facing America is bears. Bears and the pro-bear propaganda which Hollywood keeps churning out. Sure, they look sweet, but if you think a bear would rather have a pic-a-nic basket than devour a man covered in honey, you've got a surprise coming! The following match will probably dictate what I mean. Mercutio confronts Baloo with his puny rapier, and Baloo knocks him silly like THE RAMPAGING WILD ANIMAL THAT HE IS!!!. Mercutio staggers to his feet and runs, thus illustrating Shakespeare's most famous stage direction "Exit, pursued by a bear!" Baloo follows him, and ends up catching up with him, just as Hamlet enters the scene. Hamlet raises his sword and... Hamlet: O all you host of heaven! O earth! what else? And shall I couple hell? O, fie! Hold, hold, my heart; And you, my sinews, grow not instant old, But bear me stiffly up. Remember thee! Ay, thou poor ghost, while memory holds a seat In this distracted globe. Remember thee! Yea, from the table of my memory I'll wipe away all trivial fond records, All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past, That youth and observation copied there; And thy commandment all alone shall live Within the book and volume of my brain, Unmix'd with baser matter: yes, by heaven! O most pernicious woman! O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain! My tables,--meet it is I set it down, That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain; At least I'm sure it may be so in Denmark. Stephen Colbert: Unbelievable! Baloo didn't understand a word of that moving speech, and smashes Hamlet in the face with his massive paw. And now, Hamlet and Mercutio have no where to run, and Baloo mauls them both! Look at the unholy carnage! The puny rapiers and foils are utterly useless against an animal of this size and ferocity. They can't... Ooh! Looks like Macbeth's broadsword is a significantly more useful bear-killing tool. He has unseamed Baloo from the nape to the chops, and knocked his head clear off of Atlantis' battlements. Three cheers for Macbeth! Now that is a great American, if he had in fact been great, or an American! Macbeth spins around and sees Zummi Gummi going desperately through his notes, trying to find a useful spell. Macbeth growls and approaches him. See, this is what the Pro-bear propaganda has done to us! We just assume that Zummi is some bumbling and perhaps tasty purple fuzzball, but he's really a vicious animal that would feast on the flesh of Duke Igthorn, if they ever caught him in Gummi Glen! Now Zummi has found a spell, and... Zummi: So-mord Crum-mum-ble! Stephen: Macbeth's broadsword disentegrates into dust! The scottish king is livid and leaps in to attack. Zummi drinks his magic juice and bounces off the walls, kicking Macbeth in the head. Meanwhile, Brutus has bravely attempted to fight off Kenai--that ultimate of all traitors. He was once a human being-maybe even an American for all I know, and because of the pro-bear agenda, he has become one of them. Shame on you, Kenai, and shame on Disney for creating you. As if the misinformation perpetuated by Winnie the Pooh and the Country Bears wasn't heinous enouigh, you fill our kid's minds with... Hey, I didn't even see! It looks like Kenai has mauled Brutus as well, but while he was distracted, Lady Macbeth dove at his back with her dagger and plunged it deep into his lung. Way to Go, Lady M! The brutish beast is coughing up blood. Lady M steps back to stay away from his death throes, oh! Watch out, Lady M! Care Bear: STARE THERE!!! Stephen: Rainbows and colors blast Lady Macbeth in the face. It seems to tickle something fierce! But it causes her to step too close to Kenai, and the man-bear takes her down in his death throes! It looks like it's down to Macbeth against two bears. Whoops, spoke too soon! Macbeth has caught Zummi and whips him off the tallest battlement of the castle. He steps forward and siezes Carebear by the throat. The Carebear tries to STARE, but he can't get any words out. The Care Bear's neck is starting to break. Zummi: Ga-met hu-mooge, na-mow, Carebear! Stephen: That tricksy little devil! It looks like Zummi took another shot of his juice on the way down, got bouncy, and bounced right back up to the top battlement. He has snuck behind Macbeth, and cast some kind of spell on the CareBear. To my and Macbeth's horror, the Carebear grows to ten times his normal size, and mauls Macbeth with Bearish Tender Loving Care! Unbelievable! And Hollywood will still try to tell us these creatures are harmless, sweet little honey-guzzlers! It's time we all awoke to the true threat of Bears in this world! Votes (RJ = Team Shakespeare, Robert = Bears, Carol = Team Shakespeare (who also get all the good lines), Jason = Bears, Brian = Shakespeare, Cindy = Team Shakespeare) Losers - Team Shakespeare (0-7) 5 votes to lose Bears (1-6) 2 votes to lose Match 4 Evil Myths vs Mystery Men Toilet Bowl Round 1 - Atlantis Medusa has had quite enough. In the opening seconds of this match three Mystery Men, become Mystery statues. The Bowler's ball drops to the ground (crushing her statue). Mr. Furious is angry about it, but still dead as the Minotaur rips him to shreds. Cerberus makes equally quick work of the Blue Raja, and doesn't mind the fork in his tongue (he is from Hades after all). Votes (RJ = Mystery Men, Robert = Mystery Men, Carol = Mystery Men, Jason = Mystery Men, Mark = Mystery Men, Cindy = Mystery Men, Stacey = Mystery Men) Losers - Mystery Men (0-6-1) Unanimously chosen to lose Evil Myths (1-6) |