| Match 1 - Alexander Strub
Pixelated Pugilists vs. Pirates of the Carribean Toilet Bowl Round 1 - Atlantis Barbossa finishes Lara Croft easily with his superlative swordsmanship. In the meantime, Subzero and Scorpion are busy eliminating Long John and Redbeard. Duke Nukem targets Jack Sparrow with his bazooka, shouting "I'm gonna blow you away, sucker!" Jack quickly responds, "Well, you sir are well within your right to do so, since you are the one leveling the abnormally large firearm at my head but nevertheless you'll soon find yourself in a world of heart because as you know you're in Atlantis which is sinking inch by inch into the ocean and to survive you'll need a way of this island and since I happen to be THE Captain Jack Sparrow, captain of the fastest ship sailing the seven seas, the Black Pearl, which also happens to be the only ship in these waters between here and Tortuga you'd be greatly disadvantaging yourself by said explosively violent action of violent explosions, savvy? And while you're trying to understand all that, my friend is busy impaling your kidneys on his cutlass. Have you ever been to Singapore? Fancy a drink? Where's the rum?" And of course, Will Turner stabs Duke Nukem in the kidney, and asks, "You've got the Pearl out here?" Sparrow responds, "What? Oh, no." By this point Barbossa has rejoined them and the three of them face down the two Mortal Kombat ninjas. Will and Jack easily cut down SubZero, as everyone knows he's te easiest MK character to kill, while Scorpion stabs Hector Barbossa with his Bloody Spear rope-thingy. Barbossa is immune, due to the Aztec curse, and distracts Scorpion long enough for Jack and Will to ironically FINISH HIM!!! Losers: Pixelated Pugilists (0-5) Pirates of the Carribean (2-3) Or if you like, here's another way it could have happened. Match 1a - RJ Harris Pixilated Poltergeists vs. Pirates of the Caribbean Toilet Bowl Round 1 - Atlantis RJ: Well C-3PO this should be an exciting match; pirates, ninjas, and treasure hunters. Don�t you just love it? C3: Well, I don�t like the looks of any of these ruffians. Not to mention that the entire city is sinking into�horrible water. It must mean more suffering; it is my lot in life. R2D2: BEEP BOOP BREEE C3: Quite right, R2. You have had to suffer too. But honestly, I did offer my part to help fix you. Can we move on now? This is not about you, after all. These Pirates lost to Master Luke. They deserved that! As far as these Poltergeists go, well, I think� Comic Book Guy: (Switches C3 off). Enough from you, mindless drivel do you speak. The PP will NOT lose this match. Lara, dream of dreams, greatest figure ever!, will fight off all of those nasty pirates with their ugly hair and nasty teeth. It is a battle of good and evil and Lara is oh, so good, and� RJ: Why do you always have to make this so�non-G-rated? Maybe you should just stick to commentating with Mark or Brian. (CBG leaves disgusted.) Madden: Is there room for me now? RJ: Not this time-I�ll do this one solo. (Han appears at the door.) Han: OK. I�ll help. (RJ sighs.) RJ: Have a seat Captain Solo. By the way, tough loss versus the Sith. Han: You should know-you wrote it. RJ: That�s right, sorry. R2: BREEP BOOP BREE BEEP Han: OK, R2, hold on, let me turn C3 back on. C3: OK, I�m back. Where were we? R2: BEEP BOOR C3: Yes, we�re on it, R2. Complaining little thing. The battle starts with Redbeard and Long John firing at Lara and Duke descending from an airship. They fall with no control (Han: I got a bad feeling about this) and land on some sharp cliff rocks. Oh, that was messy. CBG (from outside): NOOOOOO! Lara-come back! (he begins to weep.) R2: BEEP BOOP BREE BROOP BREEP RJ: Yes, I noticed it too R2. As the 2 pirates were congratulating each other on the nice shots, the ninjas, Sub-Zero and Scorpion, did their damage. I will refrain from reporting it because it was extremely messy. Han: Now it is down to 3 on 2. Barbossa struts out and motions for Scorpion to fight him. RJ: Scorpion send out his �COME HERE� spear and Barbossa lies dead moments later. Now its 2 on 2. Han: It appears that Captain Jack and Will are not going to fight the ninjas outright and go for a strategy attack. They are teasing the 2 ninjas and leading them all over the city. Soon they are at opposite ends of a skybridge. They run to the center. Will: Should we go for it now? Jack: Now�s a good as any, mate. RJ: Both Will and Jack (Elizabeth: CAPTAIN Jack) stand their ground at the advancing ninjas. Sub-Zero is approaching Will from the left of the bridge, and Scorpion is coming at Captain Jack from the right. Video Game Voice-over Guy: FINISH THEM! Han: Each of the ninjas make some sort of movement and at the same time, Sub-Zero shoots out ice and Scorpion his spear. Will and Jack: NOW! RJ: The two pirates duck under the projectiles and the ice strikes Scorpion and the spear pierces Sub-Zero. The pirates run back to their foes and two quick slices end the lives of the ninjas. Still winless and now moving on to Round 2 to face Team Shakespeare. Loser: Pixilated Pugilists (0-5) Pirates of the Caribbean (2-3) Match 2 - Mark Ailshie Mystery Men vs Shredder's Gang Toilet Bowl Round 1 - Atlantis All nine warriors appear together, and for the first few moments, it is a confused jumble of bodies, while each team tries to sort their allies from their enemies. Eventually, The Blue Raja is squaring off against Shredder, Krang and the Bowler are sparring back and forth, and the Shoveler and Mr. Furious are going house on the mutants. The Sphinx has mysteriously vanished. After a few moments of getting slapped in the face with shovels and furious fists, Bebop and RockSteady suddenly remember that they are carrying machine guns. Shovels and rage don't stand up very well to bullets, and now Shredder's gang is up, four to three. But suddenly, the mutants' machine guns are mysteriously cut in half! The Sphinx has the mysterious ability to break guns in half with his mind. And to be very mysterious! While Bebop and Rock steady are still confused (they spend a lot of time like that), a whirring green ball flashes into them, smashing Rocksteady in the back of the head, and Bebop in the face. Both mutants' skulls are smashed in, and now the Mystery men are up, three to two. But perhaps the Bowler shouldn't have taken her eyes off of Krang. The alien brain activates his body's lazer eyes, and The Sphinx is eviscerated. (2-2) With an evil "Bwa-ha-ha!" Krang goes on the rampage, Blasting lazers at the Bowler. She tries to recover her ball, but Krang keeps blasting her as she gets close, and soon she is pinned down behind a wall. "Carmine, stop messing around and get over here!" she shouts at the ball, which can't seem to roll past Krang's marauding lazer eyes. Suddenly, "Hey ugly! Go fork yourself!" Following this ridiculously bad pun, a spray of forks and assorted silverware (but no knives) splatter into Krang's side. The body is distracted and turns the lazers on the Blue Raja. "No, you fool!" Krang shouts at his body. But it is too late. The Bowler beckons, and her ball flies back to her fingers. A well placed attack knocks Krang's brain out of his body--which would usually be the end of a fight, but in Krang's case, it is not. Krang tries to use his tentacles to get out of the way, but The Bowler bowls again, and Carmine squashes the brain into gooey paste. (2-1) But, of all their enemies, the one they really shouldn't have ignored is the ninja with the knifey-armor. Shredder suddenly appears behind the bowler, delivers a mighty kick to her in step that knocks her onto her back, and then a killing strike to her throat. She never even saw what had hit her. The Blue Raja and Shredder circle one another. It is down to these two warriors. Shredder makes a charge, and the Raja whips a handful of spoons which strikes him in the face. It hurts, but causes no lasting damage. Blue Raja dodges Shredder's attacks, retaliating with spoons, forks, and even a pizza slicer at one point - but never a knife. Unfortunately, Shredder's armor deflects most of these attacks, and is also covered with knives. Eventually, Oroku Saki is just a bit too fast, and plunges his knife-covered arm into the Raja's chest Loser: Mystery Men (0-4-1) Shredder's Gang (1-4) Match 3 - Brian Ailshie Masters of Evil vs. Lady Heroes Toilet Bowl Round 1 - Atlantis Evilyn sends a blast of her magic at Joan of Arc, who dodges. Again and again she takes aim at the French maid. Some kind of luck protects the lady of Arc. Until she dodges to the edge of town. A steep precipice is to her back, and Evilyn's evil magic stands between her and escape. Finally the cartoon villain scores a hit, and Joan slumps to the ground dead. "Heee- Yah" Cries Kim Possible. And drops a karate chop on the wizardess' neck. She slumps and falls over the precipice. With a roar Beastman joins in the fray. He grabs Possible and lifts her up. However she kicks the beast in the groin and he too falls over the precipice. Except this time her enemy drags her over the edge. The three warriors fall a hundred feet to the rocky coast below. "Must I do everything myself!" Roars Skeletor. Where is the last little girl? I'll tear her limb from limb! "I don't think so!" hollers Mulan. With a roar, her rocket fires and hits Panthor in the chest. Meat and bones scatter in a grotesque explosion. Losers: Masters of Evil (0-5) Lady Heroes (2-3) Match 4 - Brian Ailshie Masters of the Universe vs. Robot Cops Toilet Bowl Round 1 - Atlantis Brian: There seemed to be some hesitation with this match starting, but here we go. Man-At-Arms finds Inspector Gadget, and batters him up fairly easily. He-Man lifts his sword to decapitate Penny and Brain, but finds himself under fire from Robo-Cop. He-Man reflects the bullets 'Jedi style' with the Power Sword, and removes Robo-Cop from play. However, Penny and Brain have discovered He-Man's weakness. Brain leaps at He-man and grabs the sword with his teeth. He-Man reverts to Adam, who is pathetically weak of course. Penny takes Robo-Cop's gun and fires it at the now weakened He-Man. BLAAAMM! Being just a small girl, Penny is knocked over by the re-coil of Robo-Cop's gun. The shot goes astray, and the girl lands in a pile on the ground. An unfortunate quake topples the wall behind her, and she is crushed. Even in Adam form, Brain is no match. Losers: Robo-Cops (0-5) Masters of the Universe (2-3) |