| Match 1 - Brian Ailshie Jedi Masters vs The Borg Group T - Geonosis Arena Brian: This one should be fun. Do you think the Borg will be able to assimilate the Jedi Masters before they can use their force powers? Picard: Their collective mindset could either reinforce them to make them harder to control, or the uniformness of their minds could make control easier. It should be interesting to see. Myself I hope the Jedi win. Brian: Well here goes, the portcullis opens on the north side of the arena and the Borg enter, the three drones ahead of their queen. A second later and the three Jedi Masters leap in from the stands on the south side. Mace Windu: I sense something wrong. They don't feel like clones, yet they don't seem like individuals either. Qui-Gon Jinn: I have a bad feeling about this. Borg drones in Unison: Prepare to be assimilated! Windu: I don't think so! (Ignites his lightsaber) Brian: The borg open fire on the Jedi Masters. Yoda deflects a shot on his lightsaber; Qui-Gon reflects his into the portcullis, and it slams back shut; the third blast reflects from Mace's lightsaber right back into the Borg who fired it. 'Weird' Al Yankovic: Yeaaah! First blood goes to the Jedi! Brian: Don't count that to last long though, the Borg adapt quickly. See, already the second shots glance of their personal shields. Lucas: That's ok, the lightsabers should still do the trick. See Yoda just leaped in and cut down another Borg. The next will fall shortly. . . HEY! How'd he do that! Brian: As I said the Borg adapt quickly. His personal shield is now capable of stopping Yoda's lightsaber. Ooh! Look out Yoda! 'Weird Al Yankovic (singing): Oh, I think he's a borg now, another mindless drone . . . Brian: Yeah, well that will make things more difficult for the Jedi. Mace leaps in and slashes at the Borg drone. His Light saber cut him down! Lt. Worf: Yes the Borg can align their shields to stop weapons, but variances can still slip through. Since Yoda's lightsaber is of a different make-up than Mace's purple one, it didn't block it. Brian: Qui-Gon realizes this weakness and sends his lightsaber scything into the Borg Queen. They both kneel down by their fallen friend. Mace: Master Yoda, are you ok? Yoda: Futile resistance is. Qui-Gon: I'm sorry my old friend. Brian: And so saying he stabs his blade into the old master, finishing the Borg off. Winner: The Jedi Masters (2-0) The Borg (0-1) Match 2 - RJ Harris Team X vs Team Hogwarts Group E--Xavier's School RJ: Well fans, here we are for another exciting match with two powerful teams: Team X, lead by the Professor himself. What will the mutants need to do to win, Stan? Stan Lee: Well they need to use their strengths for sure--they do have, how do you say it, the home field advantage--and that will be a great asset. John Madden: POW! Yeah, so far the home field has helped a lot--with the exception of The Cats at Pride Rock and STNG in Enterprise D. Check out these secret passageways that Team X can..(he goes for his handy dandy marker to draw on the window again)....Hey, where's my marker? (He franticly starts to look for it--and leaves the room.) RJ: Well, Sweetie, you wouldn't know anything about that would you? Jamie (With innocent eyes): Why of course not. (She takes the marker she was hiding and tosses it out the window.) RJ (Smiling): OK my love. Anyway, those secret passageways will help Team X. But what can Team Hogwarts do to combat them, JK? JK: Well, Fluffy is a force to be reckoned with himself and Albus and Serverus have there wands and Hagrid has his umbrella--you know what that means... Jamie: I don't. RJ: Well, you would if you gave the books a chance. (Jamie gives him her stare. RJ Quickly continues.) Well, Hagrid's old wand is in his pink umbrella. That may come into play. Voice: And does anybody want my opinion? RJ: Oh no, not you again! Jamie: Why of course! Please continue Ms. Piggy. Mark: Ms. Piggy? I thought she was banned from commentating? Brian: Well she was due to fighting in the last Rumble, but we've repeatedly let Lucas and Tolkien back in, so why not? Ms. Piggy (huffs): Well, now that I am here, I don't want to comment on this dumb match. I want to talk about why I didn't get invited to participate in the Tournament. Moi? I could take out some of these lame brain teams by myself! And for that matter... RJ (interrupting): Well that is all well and good, Ms. Piggy, but we have a match to discuss, and (smiling) Brian takes care of all complaints--you'll have to discuss it with him. (Ms. Piggy gets up to leave) Ms. Piggy: Well, President, a word!!! (She storms out and Brian reluctantly follows.) Jamie: Well I am sure that we'll hear the ruling soon. She sure does have a temper doesn't she? Kermit: Yeah tell me about it. Ms. Piggy (from outside): I heard that Kermy! RJ: Anyway on with the match! Hogwarts is first to arrive--they appear in the entry hall. Snape: I don't like the feel of this place Albus. We should send the dog around to look. Hagrid: Donna Mind me Professor, buta Fluffy willa do whate're ya asksa him to do--wonna you Fluffy? (He scratches the dogs behind all 6 ears.) Prof Dumbledore: I think that for right now that will not be necessary Hagrid. I appreciate you suggestion Serverus, but for right now I feel that we must stick together--however have your wand and the ready. Jamie: Meanwhile, Team X has appeared downstairs in Cerebro. Prof X: Gambit, you and Colossus go and search the Mansion, don't kill yet unless it is to protect you lives. Henry and I will stay here and try to locate the wizards. (He connects to Cerebro.) Gambit: It seams to me that those em wizzards ara gonna habe dar handz full with uz. (He laughs and walks off with Colussus--already in his shinning fleshy armor up--following behind.) Beast: Professor, do you think it wise to split up with enemies around? Prof X: Do not worry, Henry, I have already found the others--they now believe that they are at there own school. Gambit and Colossus will have no trouble locating them in their telepathic coma state. RJ: Yes it now appears that Hagrid and Fluffy are all content to believe that they are now at home in Hogwarts rather than at Xavier's School. Dumbledore and Snape are unaffected. JK: Yes, Albus is always on the lookout for spells that effect the mind--it is his nature as a Legilemens; and Severus is a Occulimens and is ever ready to protect his own mind. Snape: Well, we are obviously up against some powerful magic here Albus--what should we do next? Dumbledore: I think that if we look where your dungeon would be, we'll find whom we are looking for. Hagrid, lead us to the dungeons please! Hagrid: Righy-o Professor! (He trots off and the others follow--including Gambit and Colossus.) Jamie: Why are they going to the "dungeons?" There are none at Xavier's School. Stan Lee: But Cerebro is where dungeons would be kept. RJ and JK: Exactly! Prof X: We have company coming this way--it might be wise to hide yourself Henry. Beast: Yes, sir Professor. Jamie: But as he is getting ready to hide he is hit from behind by some spell. Dumbledore: Severus, NO! JK: It is an Stunning Spell from Snape. RJ: It catches the mutant off guard and the Beast falls into the depths of Cerebro to his death. Mark: And that unleashes an attack from Gambit and Colossus. However, Hagrid and Fluffy now fall out of their trance. They attack Colossus and Gambit goes off to battle the wizards. Snape is hit by the Jack of Spades and falls dead. Jamie: Meanwhile the 3 headed dog and large wizard have torn the large silvery armored mutant into bits-eww! RJ: Yes, Fluffy and Hagrid have taken care of Colossus--only two remain. Professor X is off to the side now outside of Cerebro and Gambit is throwing deck after deck of cards at Albus. Luckily, Dumbledore has used a shield charm so they have no effect. Gambit: Well, surr, itwoulda seem dat yuza moutant too. Dumbledore: I am not--I am however a wizard and not to be dealt with lightly. JK: Albus sends another Stunning Spell at the man with a horrible French accent... Stan Lee: He's from New Orleans! JK: Anyway, he falls and all of the commotion has attracted Fluffy from his attack of Colossus. RJ: Hagrid runs to help Dumbledore and Fluffy falls upon the helpless Gambit--I guess he won't be throwing any more cards. Team X is down to the Professor himself Hagrid: Profess'r, ya al'ight? Dumbledore: Yes, I am Hagrid. Thank you. There is now only their leader. I'll go and speak to him alone. (Hagrid nods and scratches Fluffy behind the 6 ears again.) RJ: With both of these two Professors powerful telepaths or Legilemins no words will need to be spoken. After a few moments of what looks like intense communication, Professor X turns and leaves his mansion--on the way out he stops and picks up...something? What is it? Jamie: That fat guy's marker. RJ: Oh, well, It looks like Madden has been watching the match from rooms unknown--he rushed down and opens the arena door--and Professor X walks out! Madden: BOOM! Hey man, can I have that there marker--it's kinda important to me--I'd trade you a chicken wing for them but I ate them all--I can show you where to get them though. Prof X: That is quite alright John. Here you go. (He hands him the marker--the commentators groan.) Jamie: We just got the window clean! Mark: Yeah, but now Team X will lose because they have no more team members--Team Hogwarts wins! RJ: Yes that is right and here comes Brian and Ms. Piggy again. (They enter--Piggy is smiling.) Brian: The ruling for ms Piggy is this: Since the Tournament has already begun, she cannot enter. However, she is invited to commentate on any matches now and will be invited to participate in future events. Walter Cronkite: And that's the way it is! Winner: Team Hogwarts (1-0) Loser: Team X (0-1) Match 3 - Robert Newell Sith Lords vs. The Rohirrim Group H - Castle Greyskull Vader raises his hands and force-chokes-to-death King Theoden. Count Dooku blasts Eomer to oblivion with force lighning. Darth Maul neatly eviscerates Eowyn with a few swings of his lightsaber. Game, set, match. Honestly, what else can be said to describe this massacre?. It was like if the Detroit Pistons played a pickup basketball game with a bunch of octogenarian quadrapalegics. Winner: Sith Lords (1-0) The Rohirrim (0-1) Match 4 - Brian Ailshie Great Cats vs The Shadow Group W - Pride Rock John Madden: This fight is fairly pointless, we'll get to see Padan Fain's crew slaughter a bunch of wildcats. A fairly easy trophy hunt since Fain's got that magic dagger, and the other two on his team can't be killed in any normal way. C.S. Lewis: I don't know if your right in any of your assessments Mr. Madden. Lets watch as the great lion, Aslan, splits his forces to better conquer the enemy. Aslan: There is something wrong with the leader of these men. I shall have to face him. You three take on the other two. Be careful, they aren't normal men. Brian: The three Disney cats charge left and meet the Myrdraal first. They circle around him. The Myrdraal is quick, and dangerous, but he's also surrounded by three powerful enemies. Shere Khan leaps in first, and the Myrdraal meets him with his blade. Oooh! He kills Shere Khan! Whoa! While the dark blade was momentarily stuck in the tiger's corpse, Mufasa and Simba joined the fray. Simba pins down the fade's legs and as he falls Mufasa rips his left arm and head clear off the body. Simba tears the legs off for good measure and they leave the thrashing body for dead. C.S. Lewis: Meanwhile, Aslan has found Padan Fain. He senses the wrongness in him and speaks calmness to him. Fain hears the voice in his head. It is soothing. Yet, he is still a homicidal maniac. Aslan: He is struggling against the soothing magic of Narnia. I don't know if there is enough of him left to be redeemed. Brian: Aslan steps slowly to Fain's side. A slow swipe of his giant paw and the darkfriend is no more. The cursed dagger falls and jabs into Fain's leg as he drops it. In a moment even Fain's corpse is gone. Madden: As all of that was happening, the Gholam found Mufasa and Simba. The two great cats are big, they're fast, they're strong, they're armed with sharp claws, they're mince-meat. The Gholam takes Mufasa's claws without so much as a twitch and grab's Simba by the throat. In a moment the two Lions are lying dead together on the ground. Brian: But as the Gholam steps toward them for a quick drink, he hears a tremendous roar. The noise of the Disney lions is nothing compared to this roar. The Gholam looks up, pain in his eyes. He see's a huge lion on the top of the hill. Or is it two lions? His vision is getting blurry. He takes a step toward the still roaring lion, but stumbles. The world seems to be spinning. The Gholam has to grab his head to take a second step. He hasn't made it half a dozen steps before he crumples to his knees. Aslan continues to roar until the very molecules making up the shadowspawn begin to shake with the reverberating noise. After another moment the very atoms in the molecules split. In a moment the Gholam explodes from his own nuclear fission. Winner: The Great Cats (2-1) The Shadow (1-2) Match 5 - Mark Ailshie Hulkmania vs. Disney Heroes Group L - Disney Land "All right, troops, now listen up," says Buzz Lightyear. "We've got a big enemy to fight, and I'm in command." Tarzan and Aladdin smirk. It is weird taking orders from a plastic toy some 12 inches high, but Genie has no problem. "Well, I've gotta say," quips the big blue guy, "You're a LOT smaller than my current master. Either that or I'm getting bigger. Look at me from the side, do I look different to you?" No one has the chance to answer, however, as suddenly a wall collapses as the Incredible Hulk crashes through it. "HULK SMASH!!!" the Galloping Green Gargoyle shouts, and Smash he does, almost immediately. He steps right on Buzz without even seeing him and crushes him to dust. Peter Pan takes to the sky, in alarm, but Hulk seizes him by the chest in one huge hand. "Bird Boy will not get away!" says Hulk, and pitches Pan like a baseball straight into a cement wall. Every bone in his body shatters. "Nothing can stop Hulk!" he shouts, and kicks Prince Phillip like a field goal. He lands on the other side of the park, little more than gelatin in tights. "He's Mean, he's Green, and he's not too keen," says Genie. "Why don't you pick on someone ten times your size?" And suddenly, Genie is huge. "Big Blue Man doesn't scare Hulk!" Hulk declares and grabs Genie by the foot. The foot becomes smoke, and then sand, and then sticky goo. Hulk is getting more and more frustrated, and getting more stuck. "The blue Goo is Gooey, Gooey!" says Genie. "Let's calm down there now, big man." Of course, that only makes Hulk more angry, and he begins tearing apart the architecture, trying to destroy Genie. Meanwhile, Tarzan and Aladdin have hightailed it away. "How are we supposed to fight that thing?" Aladdin wonders aloud. "Tarzan say use water to drown him," the ape-man suggests. "Now that's a great idea," says a cheerful female voice. Suddenly, Tarzan and Aladdin find themselves held up by two very pretty green hands. The She-Hulk looks them over. "Gee, neither of you looks fit to throw my cousin in the lake anytime soon. Guess we'll have to go to plan B." "Go on, Jennifer, finish them," says the Submariner, hovering nearby with the wings on his feet. "We need to focus on that djinn, or it may overwhelm the Hulk." She-Hulk snorts. "Namor, you know nobody's gonna outfight Brucie. He's probably already knocked his big blue brains out." Tarzan and Aladdin are struggling completely fruitlessly to escape from the She-Hulk's grip. Namor sighs. "He can't knock it's brains out," he explains. The only way to kill a djinn is to destroy its lamp, and this one is freed from the lamp." "WHAT!" shouts She-Hulk angrily. "Brian, where do you get off putting us in here with an immortal?" Casually, she knocks Tarzan and Aladdin's heads into each other. No, literally. She cracks both skulls, and now the two heads occupy the same general space. "Careful, Jennifer," says Namor. "Brian isn't like John Byrne. You can't yell at him through the panels." So saying, Namor flies up to the top of Cinderella's castle and yanks the spire off. Luckily, it is hollow inside. Meanwhile She-Hulk turns to us and says, "Sorry, Brian. I've got a bit of a temper, y'know? Anyway, thanks for putting Namor here with us two green geniuses--we need his calm head every so often. I'll be back in a bit." Namor flies back to ground carrying the huge hollow spire and a bottle. "All right, Jennifer: here's the plan." Meanwhile, Hulk is having some trouble fighting the ever-changing Genie. "Blue Man hold still!" he shouts. Suddenly there are ten little genies, each with a different hairstyle. "Is he talking to you? No, it's you. "I thought he was talking to that guy over there, No, he's talking to that guy," Hulk charges, shouting in rage, and the Genies all scatter. "Whole Blue Man Group stand still!" shouts Hulk in rage. "Hold on there, cousin," says SheHulk, leaping down beside him. We've got to use our heads here. I know that's not your string suit, but we'll have to manage." "What does She-Hulk mean?" asks Hulk. Genie suddenly changes into a blue version of Viceroy Nute Gunray. "This is getting out of hand," he says. "Now there are TWO of them." "Here, Brucie, take one of these," says She Hulk, tearing a large piece of aluminum siding off a roller coaster and handing it to him. She grabs another for herself, and begins waving it like a fan. "Let's blow him away!" she says. Genie changes into Ben Franklin flying a kite, but soon the wind from the two Gamma-enhanced cousins is too strong for him to resist. "Oh well," he shrugs. "Might as well just go with the flow." He changes into a big blue sailboat, and is pushed along by the wind, laughing as he goes. Until he realizes where they're blowing him. Namor holds the hollow spire of Cinderella's castle inverted like a funnel, and the wind is all blowing into it. The Genie, being mostly air, is blown into the spire, struggling all the way, and then into the bottle which Namor has placed on the other side of the funnel. Namor quickly drops the spire and corks the bottle. Genie struggles, but can't escape. "I'll take care of this," says Namor to his two comrades, and throws the bottle with all of his might into the lake. "That'll have to do, Brian," says She-Hulk. "We can't kill him, but he's stuck at the bottom of a lake. Good enough?" It would seem so. Winners: Hulkmania (1-0) Disney Heroes (0-1) Match 6 - Robert Newell The Startrekkers vs. GI Joe Group M - the Everglades Wesley Crusher was literaly ripped in half by machine-gun fire from the GI Joe ambush. Spock and the rest of the Trekkers dove for cover. Spock tried to rally his troops for a counteroffensive, but he was killed by a grenade. With the chain of command shattered, Odo morphs into a snake and slithers off to flank the GI Joes. 7 of 9 tries to re-modulate the amplitude of her Borg nanoprobular occular implantation phase coil invert... and is promptly blown up by a timely grenade, fortunately ending the technobabble, attempted deus-ex-machina. The Trekkers catch a break when Odo manages to kill Flint, Duke, and Lady Jaye in an ambush before they realize he is a shapeshifter. Unfortunately for Odo, Roadblock was away from the main GI Joe position and blows Odo apart with a blast from his rocket launcher. Winner: GI Joe (1-0) The Startrekkers (0-2) Match 7 - Robert Newell The Fellowship vs WAW Group O - Madison Square Garden Having learned from their embarrassing loss to the WWE, the Fellowship is better prepared for the second group of wrestlers. Legolas strings five arrows into his bow and quickly adjusts the angles that they will fire and releases as the wrestlers enter the ring. Five arrows pierce five different eyes and all five wrestlers go down. Aragorn and Gimli rush over and decapitate each of the wrestlers before they stop twitching... just to be sure. Winners: The Fellowship (1-1) WAW Wrestlers (0-1) |