| Match 1 - Brian Ailshie Great Cops vs Warriors Group Y - Tombstone, AZ Princess Bride Priest: Muwduw. Muwduw is what bwings us togebber today. The Gweat Cops know that these Wawwiows are muwdewews in the hiwest degwee. Sawgeant Hunter and his pawtner, Dedectibe Mcaww, wook in the fiewst buiwding they come too. It is some kind of tabern. The Sewwing of awcahol is fwowned upon the the gweat Lowd of Heaben. And yet Paksenawwian is thewe to meet dem. They begin to fiwe their 'thundew sticks' but she is unhawmed by their weapons. She stwides towawds them and swipes their heads to the floow. Elmer Fudd: Thomebody thtop that guy. He's weally hawd to underthtand! Brian: And hard to translate as well. Mr. Statistics: Well if you caught it, Paksenarrion has beheaded Sgt. Hunter and Det. McCall, and now the Wawwiors . . . excuse me, Warriors are facing 3 on two odds. <BLAM!> >BLAM!< <BLAM!> Brian: Make that 2 on 2. It looks like Riggs wasn't interested in hooking up with Sonja, and shot her down. Riggs leaps toward the relative safety of the water trough in front of the Post Office. Murtaugh: Careful Riggs! I know I saw another guy with a sword around here somewhere! Riggs: I know. I think he's . . . Conan: Roraaahh! Brian: Leaping from the doorway, Conan swings the sword of his father in a great arc. Without stopping his charge he continues down the street. Riggs falls to the ground blood shooting from his ripped open chest. It seems that Conan missed Murtaugh. The Sgt. takes aim at the broad-chested barbarian. He does his famous head roll and . . . Whoa! Gross! Eww! That's disgusting! Brian: It seems that Conan didn't miss after all. Half way through the roll, Murtaugh's head rolls off the back of his head. Winners: Warriors (4-0) #1 Seed Group Y Great Cops (0-1) Match 2 - Robert Newell The Evil Myths vs The Heroes of Greece Group K - Minotaur's Maze Robert: Come on, we already know who will win this. Several invincible greeks versus some lame easy to exploit the weakness of monsters. In fact, Hercules is already repeating one of his labors by wrestling Cerberus. The three-headed dog has no chance against a nearly immortal son of Zeus. Alexander: But what about the Medusa? Perseus isn't here to reflect her image back at her. Ooh, look, Xena just got turned to stone. Robert: Yes, Perseus isn't here, buyt Ulysses is. He knows the story quite well and tells Achilles to use his shield the same way Perseus would have. Achilles' shield isn't quite a mirror, but it gets the job done as Medusa catches a glimpse of her own reflection and turns to stone. Alexander: So now it is the Minotaur versus three of Greece's finest. Robert: Yep, and with Hercules knocking all of the walls down, the Minptaur soon runs out of places to hide. Achilles finds him first and cuts him down rather quickly. Winner: The Heroes of Greece: (1-3) The Evil Myths (0-3) Or if you like here's another version of the same match: Match 2(a) - RJ Harris Evil Myths vs Heros of Greece Group K - Minotaur's Maze in the Matrix RJ: Well we have a great match today, Rumble fans. With me and my lovely wife Jamie here in the Commentator's Booth today is Elmer Fudd. Elmer, how do you see this match going? Elmer: Well, RJ, I swee a wery pointwess match. The Hewoes are alweady 0 and thwee; and the Evwil myiths are 0 and two. No matter what happens hewre they will not be movwing own to the othwer rounds. RJ: Indeed that is true the #1 and #2 seeds are locked--it all comes down to the match versus Agent Smith and the Team Nebuchadnezzar. But for now--here we go. Jamie: The ugly Myths head out--determined to fight in their maze. Meanwhile the Heros break up into 2 groups--Hercules and Xena go left and Achilles and Ulysses go right. RJ: Herc and Xena meet up with the Minotaur first. Hercules is in the middle of wrestling the beast when Xena runs into the hideous Gorgon Medusa. Xena turns to stone and Medusa flees. When Hercules is finished choking the half Ox-half man to death, he tosses the Minotaur aside and the massive body shatters Xena--too bad for her! (Fans of Lucy Lawless boo.) Hey don't blame me! Jamie take over-- Jamie: It's OK Sweetie, I still love you. Anyway, when Achilles and Ulysses meet up with Cerebus a fierce battle ensues. Ulysses goes down and it is back to 2 on 2. Hercules appears and helps Achilles fight off the evil Myth Cerebus--the dog is no more! Elmer: The two Hewoes are converwsing now on how to fwight Medwusa. Hercules (translated from the Greek): Friend, do you not feel your super human strength even stronger--we must use this to our advantage. RJ: Their plan is laid out and they go looking for the Gorgon. They find her near the center of the maze. Hercules throws Achilles towards Medusa and he--with only his heel as a weakness, is unharmed by the landing. He takes the shield from his back and points the reflection of the monster towards herself. She turns to stone and when Hercules comes jumping in he smashes her to bits--this one goes to the Heroes and they avoid the sweep. The Evil Myths will get another shot versus Star/War Craft. Winner : Heroes of Greece (1-3) Evil Myths: (0-3) Brian's Note: Since as RJ pointed out, the match is pointless, and they both had the same outcome, so I just included them both. Match 3 - Brian Ailshie G.I.Joe Ninjas vs Cartoon Heroes Group N - Cobra Island Brian: So do you think the Cartoon Heroes will continue their streak? Mr. Statistics: The probability is quite low. Not Santa: More likely they'll become a streak . . . on the wall! Ho ho ho! RJ: I thought we got rid of you. Mark: Well, how many times have we gotten rid of Lucas, Tolkien, Madden . . . Jaime: And they just keep coming back. Brian: Ok, ok. Let's get to the match. It looks like Popeye is leading the Mask and the Tick through the jungle. Meanwhile the Joes have split up. Madden: Yeah, the girls have gone this way. . . Jaime: Oh no you don't. (She leaps at him and BOTH are sent to time out) Brian: Sheeesh! All this hostility over a little marker and some rambling monologues. Everyone: Just get on with it! Brian: Ok, it looks like Popeye has gone down with a shiruken star in his skull. Tick: SPOON! The Ninjas are back!! Brian: Having said that he leaps at Storm Shadow. The Ninja's katana bends over the musclebound, moronic, superhero. Storm Shadow doesn't miss a beat though, he attacks with his hands and feet. Weird Al: But the Tick is too much! The Ninja may as well be hitting him with rolls of toilet paper. Meanwhile, Snake Eyes is having some trouble with the Mask too. The Cartoon Hero has launched into a stand-up comedy routine fit for the Oscars. Brian: Well I wouldn't go that far. But Snake Eyes is having a hard time taking him down. He . . . Oh that will do it. His katana cleaves just between the edge of the mask and Stanley Ipkiss' face. The return blow defeats the 'masked' hero. Weird Al: Eww! That was a bad pun. Brian: Yeah, so sue me. Weird Al: Ok. I will, for wrongful impersonation! Brian: Oh, brother. Let's get to Jinx and Scarlet and see how they're doing. Color Commentator: Plaid! They have cooked the duck to a nice brown color and shredded the sponge before returning him to the deep blue! Weird Al: No! The puns must stop! Brian: Ok, as Jinx and Scarlet make their way back to rejoining Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow, let's leap back and see how those two are doing. It seems that Storm Shadow has been sent flying by a lucky blow from the Tick. Snake Eyes, ever the resourceful one, has figured up a trap for the simple-minded, super-bug, hero. He stuffs a grenade into a banana and hands it to the Tick. Tick has never been one to turn down a snack, so he eats the banana, grenade and all. Not Santa: Oh! Here comes my favorite part. Sudden Death, with a side of fried bug! RJ: Someone really aught to get rid of you. Mark: I only wish we could. Winners: G.I. Joe Ninjas (2-0) Cartoon Heroes (2-1) Match 4 - Robert Newell The Heroes of Lonely Mountain and Dale vs House Atreides Group U - Arakeen City, Arrakis The three dwarves were getting frustrated. Their powerful blows glanced harmlessly off of the Atreides Holzmann shields. Leto, Halleck, and Idaho cut down the dwarves without too much more trouble. Being invulnerable to conventionally used conventional weapons gives them a distinct advantage. Bard readies his black arrow and fires. Somehow, it finds a gap in Duncan Idaho's shield, and buries itself into his chest. Lady Jessica speaks with the Voice and tells Bard to stop fighting and stand still. He does so, and Leto and Halleck cut him down. Winner: House Atreides (1-1) The Heroes of Lonely Mountain and Dale (1-1) Match 5 - Mark Ailshie Batman's enemies vs. Young X-Men Group Q - Gotham Sewers Penguin: There they are, my hearties! Attack them! Quack, quack, Urk! Pyro barbecues the penguin and sends the fire hurtling after Catwoman and Two-Face. They dodge behind the wall, but Nightcrawler >Bampf<s to Two-Face's side and skewers him with his saber. Mr. Freeze: Alright, everybody CHILL! Freeze sends liquid nitrogen at Pyro, who tries in vain to burn it away. The ice encases him, and he dies. Iceman: A fellow ice-meister, eh? Take this! Iceman and Mr. Freeze collide, both trying to freeze the other out. Meanwhile, Rogue takes to the air, and seizes Poison Ivy by the arm. PI: Hey! Let go or I'll....urk... Rogue is slowly draining her life force and taking her powers. However, Ivy's powers never included any defense against Catwoman's springing claws, and Rogue's throat is cut to ribbons. Poison Ivy: Thanks, Kitty. Catwoman: Rowr! Just slow down that teleporting freak! Indeed, Nightcrawler has just teleported into Mr. Freeze and smashed his life support suit. He dies in asphyxiated agony. Ice Man breaths easy for a second, but the Joker steps behind him and jams a syringe into his arm. Joker: That should cheer you up! Ice Man begins to laugh uncontrollably, and falls into the sewer muck, a grinning rictus spreading over his dying face. >Bamf!< Nightcrawler seizes the Joker by the throat and, >Bamf!< drops him from the ceiling. He lands hard on the ground, and his perpetual smile seems inconsistent with his painful groans. >Bamf!< But suddenly quick growing plants snakes around Nightcrawler's head and limbs, yanking away his saber and trapping him. Poison Ivy: There! That should make you hold still for a while! Nightcrawler smiles. >Bamf!< He appears beside Ivy, kicking and punching and swiping with his tail. She tries to fight back, but is nowhere near as agile. Catwoman: Rowr! Hissing and spitting, Catwoman attacks the mutant with her claws and teeth. She knocks him off his feet and rears back for a killing strike. >Bamf!< Nightcrawler is above her, driving a kick into her back. >Bamf!< Now on her side, punching her in the rib. >Bamf!< Now at her other side with a karate chop to the kidneys. Joker: Alright, I've had enough of this. Happy gas all around! Joker pulls a ring on his coat, and suddenly a mustard-colored gas spreads out from his back, quickly spreading to the entire area. Nightcrawler frantically tries to teleport somewhere safe, but he must breathe eventually. Meanwhile, Joker and Catwoman are coughing in fits of agony. Only Poison Ivy, with her immunity to poisonous toxins, shows no ill effects. In a few moments, Nightcrawler, Catwoman and the Joker fall dead from the poison gas, grinning rictuses on all their faces. Poison Ivy shakes her head at the mad clown's corpse. Poison Ivy: You really ARE insane! Now it's down to the Batman! Winners: Batman's Enemies (2-1) Young X-Men (0-1) Match 6 - RJ Harris Agent Smith vs Team Nebuchadnezzar Group K - The Minotaur's Maze in the Matrix RJ: Well here we are again and needless to say that each team needs this win. I also would venture to say that each feels they have the best game plan. So here we go: Neo is once again flying around he spots Smith. He goes back to report. Neo: He's at the North Entrance. Morpheus: Are you sure about this Neo. I mean is it allowed? Neo: We'll find out soon. Trinity: I love you. (Neo shoots here.) Morpheus: Good Luck. (He shoots himself.) RJ: Neo flys off back to Smith. I think I know what he's doing--but lets just see. He lands at Smith's feet and takes off his shades. Smith: Mr. Anderson--I feel a diference in the Matrix. You friends are no more. It is down to you and me. Let's Fight! Neo: No. I'd rather die. RJ: Neo shoots himself and releases his will to live. With his dying breath he says: Neo: Enjoy battling those Jedi--in the Real World! RJ: Smith screams in rage, realizing he'd been tricked. He wins the match this time. Winner: Agent Smith (4-0) #1 seed for group K--faces #2 from group L, New Jedi Knights Team Nebuchadnezzar (3-1) #2 seed for group K--faces #1 from group L, Hulkmania Match 7 - Brian Ailshie Feydakin vs Cobra Group N - Cobra Island Brian: And here we are back on Cobra Island. The Cobra's have a distinct advantage here, being in their home turf. Mark: It didn't really play out for them last time though. Mr. Statistics: Based solely on their past numbers, their chance of winning this are about 730 to 1. Brian: Especially since none of the Cobra's like each other, and the Feydakin are bonded like family. Here they come. Alia sees the Nemesis Enforcer and leaps at him. Her Gom Jabbar pricks his leg, and he crashes to the ground as dead as a door nail. Chani and Stilgar grapple with Cobra Commander and Destro, while Paul goes for Serpentor. Tolkien: Destro gets a second's advantage when he head butts Stilgar with his metal-encased head. Destro: What's the matter Commander? Have a hard time not getting beat up by a girl! Brian: That last taunt cost him his life. Stilgar had recovered, and jams his crysknife under Destro's mask and into his skull. The Commander was of course aggravated by the taunt from his own teammate, and that break in his concentration cost him his life. Chani guts him with her crysknife as well. Frank Herbert: And now it's the 2 Fremen and 2 Atreides against the now fleeing snake-man. Paul guns him down with his rifle. Winners: Feydakin (1-1) Cobra (0-2) |