| Match 1 - Brian Ailshie Fantastic 4 vs Swashbucklers Group J - SciFi Movie Set *BOOM* John Madden: And the Fantastic 4 starts their fights with a real boom. Zorro fired his pistol at the Thing. Of course the shot ricocheted off his super-hard skin. Thing ran up and clocked Zorro into next week. And he won't be fighting that week! Brian: Meanwhile the Torch decided the three guys with him must be enemies too, so he lobbed a few fireballs at them. Westley and Inigo flare up and die, but Fezzik is wearing his 'holocaust' cloak, so he is unharmed by the fire surrounding him. When Mr. Fantastic wraps him up, he manages to stretch partly free. He is 'the biggest and the strongest' after all. However, the Thing is much stronger after all. Madden: Yeah, Thing wraps him in a bear hug and the Giant is a goner. Winners: Fantastic 4 (1-0) Swashbucklers (2-2) Match 2 - Robert Newell Mean and Green vs Hollywood Action Stars Group J - Sci-Fi Movie Set Alexander: Well, this shouldn't last long. Robert: You're probably right, but I wouldn't count Mean and Green out yet. Alexander: Excuse me? How on earth are a bunch of actors going to do anything at all? Robert: Well, Jean-Claude Van Damme won't last long, but Mr T and Chuck Norris? That's tough competition. And Jackie Chan really knows how to fight. Ooh, and first blood goes to the Action Stars. Mr T kicked Stripe into a pool of sunlight. It dies horribly. Alexander: Serleena won't be that easy. She's already eaten the aforementioned Mr Van Damme. Robert: Yes, but Clint Eastwood has put six slugs into that slug Edgar. Between that and Jackie Chan punching and kicking him silly, he's slowing down. Clint Eastwood has found a shotgun from somewhere on the set and is unloading on the bug. Alexander: Serleena just ate Arnold. I don't think she is stoppable. Robert: Actually, it looks like Chuck Norris is heading over her direction. Alexander: Ok, is that supposed to be scary? Robert: Seventeen consecutive roundhouse kicks to Serleena's head dispatches her rather effectively. Alexander: Wow, who would have seen that coming. Robert: Hate to say I told you so. Winner: Hollywood Action Stars (1-2) Mean and Green (0-3) Match 3 - Brian Ailshie Team Nebuchadnezzar vs The Evil Myths Group K - The Minotaur's Maze Brian: Well this shouldn't take long. Alexander: Didn't I already say that? Brian: Yes, but that was about a totally different match. Robert: Besides this time it should be obvious to anyone that Neo and Company are going to win. Keanu Reeves: Not just win, but kick butt and take names! Brian: Anyway, let's get to the match. John Madden: Here goes. After a brief conference, Neo smashes through a wall on the left, while Morpheus does the same to the right. Trinity goes straight forward. Neo is the first to encounter one of the myths. She's Medusa! Oh don't look to close folks. Brian: Don't worry the commentators booth is protected. Madden: Good. Anyway, she sees Neo and glares at him. His reflexes are quick, he sees the glare coming and deflects it with the reflection of his sunglasses. That would have made Perseus' job easier. Medusa only lasts a second against 'The One.' Brian: And it looks like Morpheus has dispatched the Minotaur with equal ease. A roundhouse kick sends the horned head flying through a wall. Madden: Trinity finds the last of the Myths a moment later. Hot lead seems to have little effect on the demon dog. Now she's running back the way she came, the dog 'hot' on her heals. She flips out her phone, and calls Neo and Morpheus to her aide. Brian: Two walls crash in and Team Nebuchadnezzar attacks together. Neo flies around the dog's head, while Morpheus unloads his Uzi at the beast's chest. Trinity joins with her pistols. The shots don't seem to be doing much, until Neo grabs the beast by the head and squeezes. Boiling blood squirts from the myriad bullet holes, and Cerubus finally dies. Stacey: That's gross. Winners: Team Nebuchadnezzar (2-0) Evil Myths (0-1) Match 4 - RJ Harris Special Agents vs Crime Lords Group AD - Chicago Subway System RJ: Well school has begun again for me as well--so hopefully I will be able to commentate on more of these amazing matches. And we have a great one for you today, Rumble fans! John Madden: Indeed! BOOM! And that blast most likely did not come from any Chicago dog stand--I am sure that Lex Luthor and his band of fearless evil doers are already hard at work battling the fearsome heros--lead by team captain James Bond. Lets take a look at their past statistics. Mr. Statistics: Hey that's my job! (Madden ignors him and drones on for an hour and a half of "pre-game" on how each of the members of the teams might fare in this contest. I'll admit it wasn't pretty, intelligent, or even pretty intelligent, so to spare you, I have edited his comments or the sake of humanity.) Madden: And with that said, the match begins! RJ: Huh? Oh yeah, the match--well it seems that 007 has taken Jason Bourne and headed off only to run into Jack the Ripper and Al Capone. Needless to say, anyone else would be frigtened to run into these two guys, but a few quick shots from the Agents ends the lives of the notorious bad guys. Jamie: Well that was only slightly better than John's vocal tirade, couldn't you commentate better than that? RJ: Generally, yes, but due to the time constraints placed upon us by Mr. Madden, I went for the short version. Inigo, how did you put it? Inigo: "Let me esplain--No, there is to much. Let me sum up." RJ: Exactly--anyway the "twins" Hunt and Anderton have gone off in the opposite direction and ran into Bonnie and Clyde--they hear the couple arguing ahead and split off. Hunt continues to move forward and soon runs into the robbers. Bonnie distracts Hunt with her good looks (yeah, sure, why not) and Clyde takes him out. Anderton, having given up his PreCrime gear to 007--he's handier with gadgets anyway--was late to getting to the scene of the crime. Anderton: You two are under arrest for the murder of Secret Agent Ethan Hunt. You have the right to remain silent... Bonnie: What another one--I love twins! Clyde: Stupid woman--there ain't no twins in this group! RJ: They continue to fight as Anderton continues to recite the Miranda Rights. Suddenly a shot rings out and Anderton falls dead (Audience cheers the demise of Tom Cruise characters.) Lex: How many times do I have to tell you guys--stop the fighting and just kill these wanna be cops on site! I will not lose again! The other 2 "Agents" have already taken out Capone and Jack. Now come on, we best find them before they find us! James Bond (emerging from the shadows): Too late there, again Lex. This PreCrime materials do come in handy. It's going off right now and says that 3 murders will occur in 3 seconds--now, just who do you think will die? Jamie: Before Luthor even has time to think of an answer, Bond shoots Bonnie and Clyde dead and Jason Bourne drops on top of Lex and snaps his neck. Bourne (sighs): Now that felt good! Winner: Special Agents (2-0) Crime Lords (0-2) Match 5 - Mark Ailshie Fantastic Four vs. MIB Group J - Hollywood Movie Set Stan "The Man" Lee: Welcome, true believers! Well, here we are at last with the team that I pick to win it all. Let's see how they stack up against the Men in Black. Zed is the first to meet our heroes. He turns a corner and comes face to face with Ben Grimm, the Thrash-bending Thing! Ben Grimm: It's clobberin' time! Stan Lee: So it is! Zed goes for his gun, but The Thing swats it aside as if it was a gnat. One huge granite slug, and Zed is on the floor, and not likely to be getting up. Meanwhile, Johnny Storm, the Human Torch, ignites in flame and takes to the skies. K spots him and aims some nefarious freeze gun - probably the product of Skrul technology - but just as he has the Torch in his sight, and huge blast of force erupts from out of nowhere, and K is knocked off his feet. It seems Johnny was simply distracting K so his sister, Stunning Sue Richards, could hit him with her forcefield. However, it looks like the torch has earned some unwanted attention! J and L are firing in his direction, blasts of many colors and sizes--The torch is hard pressed to dodge them all! But suddenly, he doesn't have to! A long blue swath wraps both the remaining MIB agents and renders them immobile. Reed Richards, Mr. Fantastic, has them held solidly in his grasp. The rest of the team converge on the two inert agents, and two flame bursts later, and the match is over! How about that! A complete shut out! Excelsior! Winners: the Fantastic Four (2-0) Men In Black (3-1) Match 6 - Brian Ailshie Agent Smith vs the Heroes of Greece Group K - The Minotaur's Maze Tolkien: This Smith guy is fast. He is running through this maze at full speed like he's got the thing memorized. Morpheus: He does. Remember he already beat the horde of orcs and Zerg, who mapped out the maze. With the mind of a machine, he's pieced it all together. This fight is pointless. Unless Achilles can stop him. Brian: Look! Smith has found the Heroes. He thrusts his fist into Ulysses, who spasms before morphing. Now there are two Smith's. One jabs Xena, while the other attacks Hercules and Achilles. The two super warriors are able to hold off Smith for a moment, until the other two join the fight. Matrix reflexes leap around Hercules and wrap him in a full nelson. The second Smith then plunges his hand into Zeus' son's chest. Achilles stares in horror as he is now surrounded by four of these strange monsters, and his friends are gone. Morpheus: And that's it. It seems that even Achilles is not impervious to Smith's attacks. Winner: Agent Smith (2-0) Heroes of Greece (0-2) Match 7 - Mark Ailshie Darkshehaps vs. Loony Toonys Group R - The Shire Mark: Well, this match may be closer than it appears. The Loony Toonys outnumber the Darkshehaps by two to one, but that may not be always be a good thing. Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho! Case in point, here. It seems Daffy and Wily both have traps involving falling anvils and big black cannons waiting to trap Dark Lord Korps. Both traps go off simultaneously, and the duck and the coyote are mashed flat and blown to cinders by each other's traps! Mark: Korps finishes the job with a withering blast, sending both toons into the dip. And it looks like Elmer and Sam are trying a similar two pronged approach on Gasponac. Elmer is wearing his magic helmet, and opera singing to beat the band. Santa: These three are all on my naughty list, so I hope they all die in bloody mangled horror. Ho, Ho,Ho! RJ: You are so, so, Not Santa. Santa: Well, of course I am! How many other obese bearded men will wear a suit made of fur in August? Croaker: You are a certifiable nutball. Santa: Ho, Ho! Right you are, spawn of Henson. And you are a smear of bluish-green on the front ofSanta's sleigh! Ho, ho, ho! Mark: Well, while you weren't looking, Elmer through a lightning bolt at Gasponac, which of course missed and lit Yosemite Sam up like... Santa: Like a Christmas tree! How festive! And his blood spills across the grass, making a merry red and green color. RJ: Stop it! Stop it! You are ruining Christmas! You are Not Santa! Weird Al: Seems like the same Santa Claus I've always known. Santa: Why, thank you Alfred. It's nice that... <Weird Al slugs Santa in the face and knocks him cold> Weird Al: And that's what I do to Santa every time I see him. Sorry I'm late, I was busy promoting my new album that is coming out on the 26th of September. Mark: Let's not get into that now, Al. Gasponac finishes off Sam and Elmer with twin lances of fire. Meanwhile, Malissant has been systematically launching chaos bolts into Bugs' rabbit hole, until there is not much left of the hillside. Bugs walks nochalantly up to him and leans on his arm. Bugs: Eah, What's up, Doc? Mark: Malissant screams in rage and starts blasting more force bolts at Bugs, who scampers away. But, it looks like the Darkshehaps have really evened the odds, and Korps and Gasponac are joining their brother, and... Weird Al: Look! It's Taz in a tiny tornado! He zips up, yelling and snarling, picks up Korps and Gasponac in his wake, and suddenly with a blinding flash, all three are reduced to cinders! Now the odds are even again! Mark: Too true! And Malissant does not have a good record against cartoon tricksters, but Bugs has never met hatred on the level of Malissant before. Bugs is avoiding his attacks, and making him look rediculous. Al: Oh, but eventually he goes back to what he knows and disguises himself as a woman to trick Malissant. I'm not sure whether Mal knew who it was, or just decided to crush the woman to death anyway. Mark: And that's it. Malissant is sole survivor. Al: Go to WeirdAl.com to download songs and videos from my new album! Winners: Dark Shehaps (2-0) Looney Tooneys (0-2) |