| Match 1 - Brian Ailshie Warriors vs The Lawmen Group Y - Tombstone, AZ Brian: Looks like Paksennarion's magic armor protects her again. The Lawmen are firing away at her to no avail. And here come Conan and Red Sonja! Sonja swipes Boone and crocket down in a cross swing pattern, and Conan jabs his Cimmerian blade into Wyatt Earp. Rockwell falls last. Conan decapitates him. His head falls on his left, his beard on the right. Winner: Warriors (3-0) Lawmen (0-2) Match 2 - Mark Ailshie Cartoon Heroes vs. the Feydakin Group N - Cobra Island Lucas: Well, the Fremen feel a bit out of place here, at least. They've appeared on the beach at Cobra Island, and the sight of all that water is just astonishing to them. Finally, Paul gets through to them and tells Stilgar and Chani to go one way while he and his sister go the other way. Tolkien: And, Alia and Paul come upon two of their opponents shortly. Tick: Excuse me. Are you two the guys we're supposed to be fighting? Lucas: Paul answers by drawing his crysknife and leaping to attack. But the crysknife turns on the Tick's unbreakable skin. Tick: Hey! That might have torn my super suit! Watch what you're doing. Sponge Bob: Prepare to experience the Sponginess! Yaaahhh!! Tolkien: Well, Sponge Bob leaps into Paul's face, hacking and punching. Not doing much good, though. Paul knocks him aside and draws his Weirding module. He points it at the little Yellow sponge and begins his shout. Tick: Hey! Tolkien: The Tick yanks the weirding module out of Paul's hand and crushes it to bits. Just as well, since it wasn't in the book anyway. One thing I can't stand is a film maker changing the book he's adapting from. Peter Jackson: Can I just say that... Lucas and Tolkien: No! Tick: You got to be careful with that, pal! There's no telling what could happen! What if that went in his eye? Alia: PICK UP THE SPONGE! Lucas: Oh, oh! Looks like Alia has got the Tick's voice patterns. She uses the voice on him, and the Tick has to comply. Of course, he's not smart enough to over come it. He picks up Sponge Bob, as ordered. Alia: TEAR HIM IN HALF. Lucas: The Tick tears Sponge Bob in half as if he were made of paper. Paul and Alia then command the Tick to take them to his teammates. Tolkien: Meanwhile, Stilgar and Chani have also found some of the cartoon heroes. The Mask, Gizmo Duck, and Popeye face off against them. Stilgar draws his Crysknife and drives it up under Gizmo duck's bill. Gruesome! Peter Jackson: Yes, and then the Mask... Lucas and Tolkien: Shut up! Lucas: Then the Mask starts to whimper in terror. It takes Stilgar a few minutes before he realizes the Mask is making fun of him. Meanwhile, Chani and Popeye are tangling, and Chani is beating him! Tolkien: Well, George, I think Popeye is just being polite. He keeps mumbling something about being nice to a lady and making that "og, og, og, og, og!" sound that... Lucas: I think that's laughing, Ronald. Tolkien: No, can't be. Peter Jackson: Chani will be in trouble if he takes out his spinach, though. Lucas and Tolkien: Stop talking! Tolkien: I wish I could do the voice. Lucas: Anyway, Stilgar is getting fed up with the mask and draws his weirding module. He charges it up and blasts a sound-wave at him. Sand smashes around the Mask like a tornado, and when he is revealed, the Mask looks like a little old man, holding a curved horn to one ear. Mask: Eh? What was that sonny? I think he's trying to communicate. Tolkien: The Mask draws a tiny horn from his pocket and squeezes it. It makes an immense honking sound, so violent it knocks Stilgar off his feet, off the beach, and lands him in ten feet of water. Lucas: Oh, problem! Stilgar, of course, doesn't know how to swim. In a few seconds, he goes under and drowns. Chani cries out in pain. The Mask changes again, and comes to her in a stripey "French" shirt. Mask: Oh, mon amie! There is no need to mourn. Is it love at first sight, my pure desert flower? I'D LIKE TO THINK SO!! Paul: LET HER GO! Tolkien: See, that's the problem with talking too much. All these guys talk too much! And now The Mask is under Paul's control too. He drops Chani, and looks around. The Tick is holding Popeye's struggling form, and Paul and Alia have crysknives drawn. Mask: Well, this might have gone better! What to do now? Alia: YOU BETTER TAKE OFF THAT MASK. Lucas: The mask does so immediately, and transforms back into Stanley Ipkiss. Chani, still enraged over Stilgar's death, whips a knife through his throat, and he falls dead. Popeye(muttering): Whoa! these're some nasty fellas here, ain't they? I better skedaddle, that's what I better do. Alia: TICK, WALK UNTIL THE SEA IS TEN FEET OVER YOUR HEAD, AND THEN STAND THERE FOR TWENTY MINUTES. Lucas: The Tick moves to comply, still carrying the struggling Popeye. Looks like that's a wrap, people. Tolkien: Wait a minute, Popeye is struggling to remove a tin can from his shirt. He's got it open, and...Lucas: Where's that music coming from? Peter Jackson: He got it! He got his spinach! Now he's gonna... Lucas and Tolkien: We told you to shut up! Tolkien: Look! Popeye just slipped right out of the Tick's arms, and into the water! The Tick, still obeying Alia's command, continues into the water. Now, Popeye is winding up his arm and holds his pipe in his hand, and... Lucas: Oh, look at that! Popeye's pipe scoops up the sea and splashes it at the remaining Feydakin! They are washed out into the sea! Chani goes under and drowns, but Paul and Alia are still treading water! Tolkien: And Popeye is speeding around like a motor boat, slamming the Atredies siblings in the face with rights and lefts. He knocks Alia over the head and knocks her out. Lucas: Unconscious in the water is a bad combination! And now Popeye catches Paul in an uppercut and launches him onto the island. Tolkien: Paul struggles to his feet, but he's lost his knife and weapons! He still has his powers, though. Lucas: That "Spinach Music" is still playing very loudly! Tolkien: Popeye jumps into him, and starts pummeling! If Paul were a cartoon, he'd only be reeling, but since he's made of flesh and blood, his bones are breaking, anbd his face is a mass of blood and bruises. PAUL: STOP PUMMELING ME! Lucas: But it's no good! Popeye's strange voice and under-his-breath speech patterns seem to be difficult to duplicate! Paul is beaten soundly, and finally Popeye nails him with a tremendous hook that literally knocks Paul into the sand. The force of the punch tunnels his body under the sand and he smashes against a curiously gravestone-shaped rock. Tolkien: Paul is dead! Paul is dead! Peter Jackson: Koo-koo-k-choo! Lucas and Tolkien: Shut up! Popeye: When the bodies stop landing, The only one standing, is Popeye the Sailor Man! Toot-Toot! Winner: Cartoon Heroes (1-0) Fedaykin (0-1) Match 3 - Robert Newell Team Shakepeare vs The New Dragon Army Group D - Baladox Tower Robert: Wow, there have been mismatches so far in the rumble, but this one is down right ridiculous. Even if the New Dragon Army didn't have a genius coordinating their strategy, they out gun the Shakespearians by quite a large margin. William Shakespeare: Methinks thou dost slight my characters. Robert: Not at all. How are any of them going to stand up to the Punisher alone, much less the rest of the team? William Shakespeare: The turmoil and strife of these mighty ones is nothing when compared to... Robert: Oh, darn, the match is over. I don't have to listen to you anymore. It looks like I was right, the Punisher killed Lady Macbeth and Brutus. It seems that he's read your works Bill. William Shakespeare: I doth protest, "Bill?" what is this vile contumely that thou dost fling at me? Robert: Nevermind. Gradion and Bossk were neither one of women born, so Macbeth was quickly killed as well. Hamlet and Mercutio was killed in the crossfire. It looks like another easy victory for the New Dragon Army. Winner: The New Dragon Army (3-0) Team Shakespeare (0-2) Match 4 - Brian Ailshie Robot Cops vs The A-Team Group X - Downtown LA Robo Cop and Gadget are walkind down a fairly large streen when suddenly a large van plows into them. Before either can react, the van crashes through a wall into a sheet metal factory. The van (and the two 'robot cops') plummets into a vat of molten metal. B.A. Barracus jumps from the van just in time. Meanwhile, Penny and Brain are trying to figure out how to find their enemies and dispose of them without their Penny's Uncle figuring out they saved him as always. Suddenly, Face-Man steps out and blasts them with a M-16. Col. Hanibal: I love it when a plan comes together. Winner: A-Team (2-1) Robot Cops (0-1) Match 5 - Mark Ailshie Cobra vs. G.I. Joe Ninjas Group N - Cobra Island Comic Book Guy: Well, it's about freaking time, that's all I can say! Cobra Island is, of course, immense. May as well say that N bracket is fighting on "Puerto Rico," or something. But, the management has apparently decided to put the groups in the same general area of the island. Today's battleground is the land locked freighter. Serpentor starts things off with a mistake by ordering Cobra Commander to log in to the freighter's security computer and find the Ninjas "At once." His mistake is, of course, blatantly ordering CC to do anything. The Commander complies, and tells Serpentor that they can ambush the ninjas if they move to the third deck. Destro, knowing CC better than most, excuses himself and heads down the ladder. Serpentor, Nemesis Enforcer, and Cobra Commander proceed to the third deck, where Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow are waiting for them. Cobra Commander waits for Serpentor and the Enforcer to pass into the chamber, and then seals the door behind them. Serpentor is a decent fighter, but even Ghengis Khan would have trouble being ambushed by two ninjas. A spray of Uzi bullets, followed by a well placed shuriken to the face, and the Cobra Emperor goes down. The Enforcer roars in rage, and leaps to attack. Snake Eyes draws his sword and makes signs that Storm Shadow should go after the Commander. Storm Shadow complies, diving into a ventilation shaft. The Nemesis Enforcer and Snake Eyes square off. Meanwhile, Destro has come upon the two ladies. Before they are aware of him, Destro lets fly with his wrist rockets, and blows Scarlett to Kingdom Come!(which is a decent graphic novel, available exclusively at the Android Dungeon, even if it is shamelessly biased toward Superman). Jinx leaps away from the blast, and then leaps to attack Destro. Destro draws his pistol, firing wildly. But to no avail! Jinx closes the distance quickly, disembowels Destro with her bladed staff, and, for good measure, breaks his neck before he hits the ground. Ooo! Don't mess with a ninja chick! Meanwhile, Snake Eyes has successfully wounded the Enforcer's wing, preventing him from flying away. Not that he would have made it very far in the tight corridors of the land-locked freighter, but still. The Enforcer locks his powerful arms around Snake Eyes' throat, squeezing the life out of him. Snake Eyes is struggling for air, but the Enforcer is slowly crushing the life out of him. But no! Suddenly, Snake Eyes twists like an eel to face the Enforcer. There's a knife in Snake Eyes' hand! I don't know where it came from, but now it's been buried in the Enforcer's eye. The creature roars in pain and releases the G.I. Joe Commando. Snake Eyes hits the ground, rolls, and comes up with his uzi blazing. The Nemesis Enforcer is swiss cheese! But it all may be for naught. Cobra Commander has sealed himself in the control room and is rapidly punching buttons. With a final button, sirens begin to sound throughout the freighter. Storm Shadow leaps out of the vent, landing right beside the Commander. "Stay Back!" CC sneers. "I've set the self-destruct sequence! This whole ship is going to be blown to Kingdom Come!" (which, as I said before, is shamelessly Pro-Kryptonian) Storm Shadow glances at the computer screen, sees a countdown of 2 minutes, 15 seconds. Cobra Commander laughs. "So, my former ally, unless you let me go free, you and all your friends will die!" Storm Shadow's only answer is to whip the swords from his back and take the Commander's head off in one double bladed slice. The countdown continues, but since there are no remaining Cobras, it is largely meaningless. Winners: G.I.Joe Ninjas (1-0) Cobra (0-1) Match 6 - Brian Ailshie Random Team vs House Harkonnen Group U - Arrakeen Mr. Statistics: The Harkonnen definately have the 'House Advantage' here! They fan out down a wide corridor. Suddenly Gumby pops out in front of them. The Sardakar troopers blast him to smithereens. Suddenly from behind them, Herbie careens around the corner. He gets the Sardakar, but Beast and Feyd leap aside in the nick of time. Brian: Speaking of which, Beast 'nicks' Herbie with a blast from that rifle. A shot from behind him though, knocks the weapon from his hand. Johnny 5 rounds shouts something about the evilness of weapons. Beast charges him and jabs him with a knife. Mr. Statistics: But as Beast stabs Johnny 5, he hits a power wire and electrocutes himself! BLAMM Brian: That was Van Pelt's Elephant gun!. He just shot Feyd. Mr. Statistics: Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I certainly never saw this outcome coming! Winner: Random Team (1-2) House Harkonnen (0-1) Match 7 - Robert Newell Zartan and the Dreadnocks vs GI Joe Group M - Everglades Swamp Robert: Did COBRA ever beat GI Joe at anything? Alexander: Not that I can remember. I think the Dreadnocks are done for here. That was a very lucky shot against the Balrog, so I think that their luck is all used up. Robert: The two teams are trading fie sporadically through the swamp. Neither side is doing much damage to the other. How long is this going to go on for. Alexander: Probably not much more, yep I was right. Lady Jaye just took Buzzerout with one of her exploding spears. She is quickly gunned down by Ripper who gets Flint as well. Roadblock opend up his 50 caliber machinegun and it hits Torch's fuel tank. The resulting inferno takes out Torch and Zartan. Robert: Ripper gets Duke as well before his is finally taken out by Roadblock. That gun is pretty impressive. So, as usual, the GI Joes, fighting for freedom wherever there's trouble over land, and sea, and air, take out the evil forces of COBRA. Winner: GI Joe (2-2) Zartan and the Dreadnocks (2-1-1) #2 Seed Group M Power of Moria (3-0-1) #1 Seed Group M (Group Finished) Match 8 - Mark Ailshie Army of Israel vs. True Soldiers Group S - Hill Cumorah battlefield "Fear not, my soldiers," admonishes King David. "Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we will fear no evil." Captain Moroni and Samson flank the king of Israel, weapons at the ready. Suddenly, a volley of shots ring out. The Israelite champions dive for cover, but one shot strikes David in the stomach. Samson and Moroni drag the wounded king behind a boulder. "I'm done for," says David in his death throes. "Charge their position--close to melee range. It's your only hope." Samson and Moroni nod, and begin to make their way to the True Soldiers position. Meanwhile, Col. Moore and his troops are dug in behind a mound of earth, watching Samson and Moroni approach. "Wait until you get a clear shot," Moore tells his troops. Pvt. Jackson takes aim, pulls his trigger, and Samson goes down with a bullet in his shoulder. "Dang, I missed!" says Jackson in shock. He had been aiming for the heart. But Samson is protected by his uncut hair. Moroni closes the gap between them, bullets flying around him, bouncing off his breastplate and head-shield. He draws his sword and leaps over the hill. "Incoming!" shouts Plumley, and then Moroni is among them, swinging his mighty sword and cleaving foes at every stroke. Powers falls first, Moroni's sword cutting cleanly through his fatigues. Jackson takes aim, but Moroni spots him and heaves his sword end over end to smack into the barrel of his rifle. The ordinance inside explodes, and Jackson gets the worst of the flame in his face. Plumley shouts a challenge and attacks the now weaponless Moroni. The two wrestle briefly, but Moroni is clearly the more physically powerful. Finally, Plumley draws the pin on one of his greandes and hugs the Nephite warrior to himself. "Get out of here, Colonel!" he shouts over his shoulder, moments before blowing himself and the Nephite warrior into dust. Hal Moore clears the dust from his eyes and looks around him. His soldiers are gone, his enemies fallen, but the battle is apparantly not yet over. Moore gets to his feet, and is about to start checking his fallen enemies and giving them the death strike, when a pair of massively muscled arms snake under his armpits and lock him in a full nelson. "Thou art not yet victorious, Philistine." Samson grumbles in his ear. Moore tries to reach the knife at his belt, but Samson simply begins to exeret the pressure. The same arms that could tear a lion in half or carry away the gates of Gaza are more than capable of crushing Moore's neck like a stalk of celery. Winners: Army of Israel (2-2) True Soldiers (2-1) Match 9 - Robert Newell The Army of Israel vs the Servants of Evil Group S - Hill Cumorah Robert: As of right now, both teams are absolutely refusing to work together. It looks like this is going to be a six-way free-for-all. Moroni remembers all too well the treachery and wickedness of his own teammates from the fight against the Lady Heroes and strikes out on his own. Samson won't listen to anyone, much less someone who claims to be his king. Coriantumr and Goliath don't trust Amalickiah, and he doesn't trust them, and they don't trust each other. Alexander: Let's see how the combatants meet. First up, David against Coriantumr. David was once a great military leader, but he is many years removed from his Goliath-slaying days (both physically and spiritually). Coriantumr beheads the King of Israel just like he did Shiz. Robert: Now for the two strongest, Goliath and Samson. Goliath was raised hearing stories about the legendary Nazerite and is eager to to test his mettle. They doge or shrug off each other's blows for some time. Eventually they grapple each other and begin to wrestle. Let's leave this one, it looks like it might take a while. Alexander: Moroni and Amalickiah, what an epic fight. I don't think that Amalickiah is going to be able to fulfill his oath to drink Moroni's blood. Robert: You are very right, Moroni disarms him (literally) before finishing him off. Moroni is tired of this pointless fighting for an ignoble cause. He recognizes where he is (geographically not chronologically) and begins to trek to Zarahemla. The judges rule forfeit when he leaves the area. Alexander: Let's get back to the titanic struggle of Goliath and Samson. Wow, in a stunning turn of events, it seems that they have strangled each other to death. As the last man standing (again) Coriantumr claims victory for the Servants of Evil. Winner: The Servants of Evil (2-2) The Army of Israel (1-2) |