| Match 1 - Brian Ailshie Kurgan's Killers vs Harrison's Heroes Group C - Tir Asleen Mr. Statistics: This last match of Group C has less importance than one might think. All: What do you mean? Mr. Statistics: I'll explain in after it's over. Brian: Well it ain't over yet. In fact it's just beginning. Jack Ryan zeroed in on Ray Park and pegged him in the chest. Toad took annoyance at that, and spit on Ryan's face. Ryan collapses over and pries at his face. I don't think he'll get it off before he suffocates. Meanwhile, Toad continues on and leaps at Harrison and Indiana. Indy calmly shoots the evil mutant out of the sky. Mr. Obvious: There's nothing calm about them now though. The Headless Horseman is chasing them and they're running for their lives. Brian: Suddenly Harrison scoops up the Horseman's head from the pile of stones. It seems everyone is taking advantage of that weakness, and the luck Tir Asleen had in finding it. Harrison lobs the head at the Horseman, but it never makes it. The Kurgan grabs the head mid-air. Kurgan: Not this time mortals! (turning to the Horseman) Kill them both. Brian: Indy is resourceful, but he's no match against an undead swordsman. In a moment all three Fords are headless on the ground. Mark: You mean . . . Brian: Yeah, Kurgan got tired of waiting and lopped off Ryan's head too just to make sure. Now Mr. Statistics what did you mean about this match not mattering? Mr. Statistics: Read my Group Break Down below Winner: Kurgan's Killers (3-1) Harrison's Heroes (1-3) Group Finished GROUP BREAKDOWN Highlanders: 3-1 (tie breaker score = -1) Kurgan's Killers: 3-1 (tie breaker score = -3) Tir Asleen's Champions: 3-1 (tie breaker score = 0) Harrison's Heroes: 1-3 Stallone's Stallions: 0-4 Tir Asleen get's the #1 seed due to their higher 'tie breaker score'. The Highlanders get the #2 seed since theirs is the next highest. With a 3-1 record and not earning an automatic bid, Kurgan's Killers is currently the leader in the race for the 4 "Wild Card" bids. Mr. Statistics: See, even if the Killers had won perfectly, they'd still have had a lower tie breaker score than Tir Asleen, and would have been tied with the Highlanders. Since the Highlanders owned the head-to-head there, the Killers best shot was 3rd place out of this tie. Of course if they'd lost, than their tie breaker score would have gone up, but then they'd be 2-2 and would have a much bigger group to contend with in the Wild Card race tie there. Match 2 - Alexander Strub Green Flash vs. SuperBeings Group AD - Chicago Subway System "Zap!" went Flash Gordon's death ray gun. He had stolen the deadly weapon from the space court of Emperor Ming the Merciless. Ordinarily, Superman would be impervious to the beam, but it just so happens that Ming powers his guns with Kryptonite. The concentrated beam kills Superman instantly. Then Wonder Woman appears on the scene. Flash Gordon was always a sucker for bimbos and bombshells, so he saunters up to her with shoulders broad and gut sucked in in true "Defender of the Universe" fashion. "Hey, Baby... What's yo' phone numbah?" asks the womanizer. Wonder Woman throws her golden lasso over his head and ropes Flash. Unfortunately, Wonder Woman is not especially bright and the only command she can figure out to give to Flash Gordon is: "Um, could you like go get me a double-cheeseburger or something? I'm like so totally famished!" Flash totters off to do his lady's will. Green Lantern is disappointed in his old associates of the justice league for their sheer incompetence. Supergirl is the quintessential dumb blonde and has spent the entire match just bobbing her head back and forth with her with her mouth hanging open. The Flash runs to grab Flash Gordon's raygun, abandoned as it is on the ground and shoots Supergirl in the back. Her permananently surprised face is now even more so as she collapses dead. As the Flash is also somewhat dimwitted, Green Lantern uses his ring to form a giant green hand and take the raygun from him. Flash Gordon is now returning from a nearby vendor with Wonder Woman's high-cholesterol delight, with extra mayonnaise. Wonder Woman is distracted by her high-fat and sodium cravings and Green Lantern fires the raygun. The death ray kills both WW and FG. Robert: But Wonder Woman is immune to kryptonite. Alexander: Yes, but it is a death ray after all. They don't call it a death ray because it doesn't kill people. Winner: Green Flash (1-0) Super Beings (1-1) Match 3 - Robert Newell The Round Table vs The Karate Kings Group P Castle Camelot Daniel is not the brightest crayon in the box. If I was him, I wouldn't have tried a crane kick on a man wearing full plate. He goes down with a badly broken foot, his pathetic sniveling ended sortly thereafter by a thrust from Lancelot's sword. Miyagi and Lee are doing much better against Arthur and Galahad. They are moving around quickly, deftly avoiding the lumbering swings of the knights. Bruce Lee lands a good punch on Arthur's exposed face and kills the King of Camelot. Merlin is officially fed up. How are these unarmed, non-wizards holding their own against fully armed and trained knights? He sees the karate dog and has an idea. Words of Power emanate from Merlin's mouth, seemingly too deep for a mortal to be speaking. In a flash, instead of facing a dog and two men, there are two dogs and one man. Merlin turned Hongkong Fuey into a man and Mr. Miyagi and Bruce Lee into dogs. Totally unaccustomed to their new forms, the three Karate Kings are quickly skewered on Lancelot and Galahad's blades. Winner: The Round Table (2-1) The Karate Kings (1-2) Match 4 - Brian Ailshie Iron Men vs Terminators Group X - Downtown L.A. John Madden: This starts fast, and seems to be going the way of the Iron Men. Iron Man flies out and delivers a right hook to the original Terminator. His head goes wobbly, and then snaps clean off with the right hook that the power suited hero delivers right afterward. The Iron Giant enters the scene and stomps on the remaining two Terminators. Brian: I don't think that will finish either of them though, as they are both made of liquid alloys. The T-1000 oozes out to one side, and the TX leaps onto the top of the Iron Giant's foot. She plunges her hand into the large robot's ankle. Looks like she's trying to take over his mechanics with her control programs. Madden: She may not get to finish, here come the 6 Million Dollar Man and his female equivalent, the Bionic Woman! Too late, the Iron Giant swings a kick and sends them toward Anaheim. I don't think they'll be up to much fighting when they finally land. The TX then fires her plasma-rifle arm at Iron Man. The super hero avoids her shots but, only barely. He is so busy dodging, that he doesn't see the Iron Giant moving in until it's too late. The Giant Robot swats him out of the sky like a mosquito. Winner: Terminators (1-1) Iron Men (0-1) Match 5 - Alexander Strub American French Alliance vs. America's Heroes Group AC - Hogwarts Castle "Ready, Aim, Fire!" cries Benjamin Martin. His team's muskets shoot off in a blaze of exploding powder. Too bad their eighteenth-century weaponry couldn't hit the broad side of the barn. Dick Tracy's Colt Revolver, however, is much more accurate. He takes out Gabriel Martin before the lad can reload his musket. Captain America's patriotic discus somehow manages to decapitate Jacopo. As for the Rocketeer, surprise, surprise! He had a tommy gun in that jet pack somewhere. He manages to finish Benjamin Martin and Edmond Dantes out in seconds. Winners: America's Heroes (1-0) American French Alliance (2-2) Match 6 - Brian Ailshie Servant's of Evil vs True Soldiers Group S - Hill Cumorah <BLAM> Mr. Obvious: Talk about starting with a Bang! Mr. Sound Effects: Actually it was a BLAM! Brian: Whatever, the Servant's of Evil just lost their Giant. Pvt. Jackson just took him out with one well aimed Sniper shot. Amalickiah and Coriantumr duck down behind a large boulder. Amalickiah: What the ^%&(* was that? Coriantumr: How the #$%^ should I know? <BLAM> Brian: This time Sgt. 'Shifty' Powers takes a sniper shot and the foul mouthed, Nephite traitor slumps to the ground. A large bloody hole is all that remains of his face. Coriantumr leaps up and tries a run for it. <BLAM> Brian: Pvt. Jackson drops him before he had any idea what was going on. Winner: True Soldiers (2-0) Servants of Evil (1-2) Match 7 - Alexander Strub English Enemies vs. Round Table Group P - Camelot Castle "En garde, fiend!" shouted Lancelot. "Fool," cried Maligant, "You will all suffer and die!" Lancelot proved the better swordsman however, and Maligant was decapitated. "I'll bite your legs off!" the Black Knight shouted at King Arthur. "Not this again!" shouted the king. Alexander: And it's another repeat performance as Arthur cuts off all the Black Knight's limbs. The vicious Bunny lunged at Merlin, who used his magic to turn it into something non-threatening: a giant fire-breathing dragon! Galahad quickly dispatched it with his lance of truth and broadsword of holiness. Confronted by three superlative swordsmen and one deadly wizard, the only surviving English Enemy, the cowardly Sheriff of Nottingham, turns tail and runs out of the castle. Alexander: The Judges rule that a forfeit. The Knights win! Winners: Knights of the Round Table (3-1) English Enemies (0-4) Match 8 - Alexander Strub Order of the Phoenix vs. Karate Kings Group P - Camelot Castle Hong-Kong Fuey the karate dog lunges at Professor McGonagall with a howl and is promptly turned into a potted plant. Bruce Lee dodges the wizards' paltry cantrips, does an arial over Sirius Black's head, reaches down, and snaps the wizard's neck. The full moon comes out, Remus Lupin turns into a werewolf and eats Daniel LaRusso. Mr. Miyagi irritates Professor McGonagall by pinching her earlobe with his chopsticks and disrupts her incantations by repeatedly abjuring her with what turns out to be a very powerful countercurse "Wax On, Wax Off." While this is occuring, the Lupin werewolf is finishing off Bruce Lee. Miyagi and McGonagall begin a brawl to break the stalemate. Somehow one of Miyagi's chopsticks is snapped so he grabs the witch's wand to compensate. Unfortunately, he is holding it the wrong way and manages to blow both of them sky-high. Where is Mad-eye Moody during all of this? He's been recitating a very long, complex and obscure incantation to make himself invincible, which of course backfires and kills him as soon as he says the last magic words. Alexander: Well, apparently Order of the Phoenix wins this match, as Lupin is still alive, albeit in his werewolf form. J.K. Rowling: Not so. You see, when Professor McGonagall turned that puppy into a plant, she turned it into a rare Malifacticus Flora, a guardian plant that is perfectly docile until its master is slain, in which case it wreaks venegeance on all nearby lifeforms. Alexander: So it does. Wow. Who would have thought that a little plant could actually eat an entire werewolf. Q: You stupid woman, don't you see that you've made your team lose? J.K.: Ah, but in so doing, they defeated the Karate Kings. Q: No they didn't the dog is still alive as a plant. J.K.: Actually Mad-eye Moody's complex incantation was meant to destroy all life-forms with hostile intent in the vicinity. Aside from the glitch that killed him, it was on a timer and goes off in time to kill the dog-plant. Q: Stupid woman. Alexander: Well, I guess it's a BYE for this match then. Winners: DRAW Order of the Pheonix (2-1-1) Karate Kings (1-2-1) Group Finished GROUP BREAK DOWN Empire: 3-1 [#1 Seed] Round Table: 3-1 [#2 Seed] Order of the Pheonix: 2-1-1 Karate Kings: 1-2-1 English Enemies: 0-4 Empire gets the #1 seed because they hold the head-to-head victory over the Round Table, who get's the #2 Seed. The Order of the Pheonix, with a slightly better than 2-2 record, is currently 2nd (behind Kurgan's Killers) in the race for the 4 Wild Card spots. |