| Match 1 - Brian Ailshie Kurgan's Killers vs Stallone's Stallions Group C - Tir Asleen Brian: I have a feeling this is going to be fast. Rocky and Sly charge the Kurgan and the Horseman. Their headless bodies fall to the ground. A barely human yell and a deafening series of blasts follow them as Rambo steps out and fires his shoulder 'canon'. The Kurgan laughs as the bullets rip into his body. Toad: I'll take that. Brian: The Toad's long tongue stretches out and pulls the gun out of the Vet's hands. Before his brain has time to come up with an articulate response, Ray Park leaps in and pulverizes his face. Mark: So Ray had a lot of time there didn't he? Brian: Yeah, pretty much. Stallone's Stallions get shut out again. Did the Stallions have the worst run ever? Did they get totally shut out? RJ: No, there's been several other 0-4 teams. Brian: Yeah, but the Egyptians, the Bears, and even the Power Rangers at least managed to kill someone in at least one of their matches. Mark: No, Stallone's Stallions made a kill too. They killed Harrison Ford in their first fight. Mr. Statistics: Like these numbers matter anyway. Make it simple: they all sucked. Winner: Kurgan's Killers (2-1) Stallone's Stallions (0-4) Match 2 - Robert Newell Two Rivers Army vs The Scots Group G - Minas Tirith Super-lightweight (or thin) armor may sound like a good idea to Hollywood writers, but in the real world, it isn't nearly enough to stop a pile arrow shot from a bow like Birgitte's. Will Thatcher fell to the ground, lifeless, an arrow protruding from his chest. The other Scots weren't too upset, Will wasn't very good in a fight anyway. Robert the Bruce and William Wallace are locked in mortal combat with Perrin Aybara. They are moving so quickly that Birgitte can't take a shot without risking hitting Perrin. So, to pass the time, she fills Groundskeeper Willie up with arrows, it takes rather a lot to bring him down. Perrin has fallen to the ground, grievously wounded, but not dead. Faile screams with rage and throws herself at Robert the Bruce. The Scottish King was not prepared for such a fierce attack from such a small woman and falls with his throat cut. Birgitte finishes William Wallace with an arrow to each eye. Winner: Two Rivers Army (3-0) [locks 'playoff' bid] The Scots (1-2) Match 3 - Brian Ailshie Creatures vs League of Extra-Ordinary Gentlemen Group V - Minas Morgul John Madden: I have a feeling this one could get really gruesome. Let's zoom in here and take a look. It seems that the Creature of the Black Lagoon has encountered the League. Capt. Nemo Leaps at him with his sword blazing. The creature's claws are no match and it goes down after a moment. There is a roar and a hairy beast takes off running away from the Gentlemen. Skinner: I'll track him down. He won't see me. Madden: Unfortunately for Skinner, the Velociraptor doesn't have to see him to hunt him. It seems Bigfoot's run was a lure. The Dinosaur leaps on Skinner and carves into him. <*BLAAMM*> Quartermain: Nice shot Sawyer! But I'll go one further <*PROWWW*> Madden: Bigfoot drops as Quartermain's shot echoes down the canyon. Unfortunately for the league, the running and gunshots have roused the Tremor Worm. With a rumble and a low roar it erupts and swallows Nemo, Sawyer, and Quartermain. Suddenly it heaves higher from it's hole and starts to thrash. Brian (standing up by Madden and tapping the 'window'): If we zoom back in here, and look. We can see that the immense form of the worm is heaved out of it's hiding space by Mr. Hyde. The Chemically enhanced doctor is wrestling the great worm and seems to be winning. Sammy Sosa: What! How come he gets to take 'roids and still compete? Brian: This sport is totally different than yours. Besides, I don't think any of Dr. Jekyll's formulae are in the same class as your steroids. Madden: What's that sound? Jaime: Sounds like you eating your chicken wings. Brian: I think that's the sounds of the Tremor Worm's shell cracking and oozing as it dies. Yes I think that brings us to the end of this grouping. Winner: League of Extra-Ordinary Gentlemen (1-3) [4th place Group V] Creatures (1-3) [last place Group V] Group Finished Match 4 - Robert Newell The Lady Heroes vs The Army of Israel Group S - Hill Cumorah Robert: On paper this match looks to be another blowout. I mean, how are these ladies supposed to compete with the likes of Samson? Alexander: You must not have been paying attention in Sunday School. Robert: What could you possibly mean by that? Alexander: Just watch. Robert: It looks like Samson is ready to rip someone... no wait, Mulan just batted her eyes at him. Samson was always one to go for the exotic beauties. All of a sudden Samson looks like he'd do anything for the warrior woman. Alexander: Exotic beauty... have you seen that movie? Everyone thought she was a guy. Well, Samson was never known for his intelligence. Robert: And now David is squaring off against Kim Possible. David is ready to strike with righteous fury... no, wait DAvid is taking a long look at his opponent. And another... David, no, stop. Don't do it David, don't you realize how young she is? Alexander: I don't think that is going to stop him. How young was Bathsheba anyway. It looks like David has been entranced by her feminine wiles... or something along those lines. Robert: Now Moroni is exhorting his bretheren not to seek after the lusts of their eyes. That isn't going over so well. Samson looks furious and David is mumbling something about not arguing with the King. Oh, wait, now they are fighting. It doesn't last long. David falls under Moroni's sword, but Samson finishes off the Nephite general with his jawbone of an ass. Samson is really excited now, all three women to himself. Alexander: Unfortunately for him, Joan of Arc remembers her Bible stories rather well and strikes off his hair when he approaches the three girls. Shorn of his strength grating locks, Samson falls to the Lady Heroes. Winner: The Lady Heroes (1-2) The Army of Israel (1-1) Match 5 - Brian Ailshie Highlanders vs Harrison's Heroes Group C - Tir Asleen Harrison Ford: Ok, we watched these guys' last matches. The only way to kill them is to cut off their heads. And that isn't going to be easy as they're real fast. Everyone ready? Jack Ryan: Nice pep talk. You make it sound like we've got no chance. Brian: Their argument is cut short as Duncan leaps into their midst. He attacks Harrison, who falls rather easily. Ryan blast him in the head with his 9mm, and Jones leaps on him. He saws off the Highlander's head with an appropriated sword and the two run as the sparks start to fly. However they're running a little too carelessly and Connor swipes Ryan's head from his shoulders as they round a corner. Indy whips the sword from Connor's hand, but gets Ramirez's sword in his back before he can take advantage of the weaponless Highlander. Winner: Highlanders (3-1) Harrison's Heroes (1-2) |