| Match 1 - Brian Ailshie Alien v Predator vs Pixiliated Puglists Group AB - Starship Enterprise Brian: We join this match already in progress. Duke Nukem and Lara Croft are working their way down section E of Deck 10. Suddenly Croft falls to the ground. She clutches at her chest, which begins to heave. Comic Book Guy: Now this is getting interesting! Brian: Keep your pants on. Nukem (kneeling beside her): What's wrong? Brian: Obviously Nukem's not a big movie watcher, and Croft's too out of breath to warn him, but . . . Comic Book Guy: I'm out of breath my self! I think . . . NOOOOOO! There's a shortage of perfect breasts in the world! Cursed fates that ruin them. Brian: Dude, get a life. Anyway, Nukem is taken off guard as the implanted alien larvae leaps from Croft's burst chest cavity. The creature latches onto his face and takes him down. That's a little too gruesome to watch, what else is happening? Mr. Statistics: Well as usual the Pugilists have spit up, and Sub-Zero went with Scorpion. They're in the hanger bay and have just engaged the Alien Mother. Mr. Obvious: And she's not interested in marrying either of them. She's more interested in a snack. Brian: However, Sub-Zero blasts her with a freeze ray, then scorpion latches on to her with his rope and hook. He halls the alien over and, responding to a loud voice saying "FINISH HIM" he reaches up to take off his mask for his deadly finisher. Just as he pulls off his mask their is a flash of light and a strong smell of burnt flesh fills the bay. Scorpion slumps to the ground, his arm and head missing. Comic Book Guy (wiping away a tear after crying about Croft): Oh, I see. The flash of light was a laser blast from the Predator. He cooked the arm and skull-like head off the Mortal Kombat Ninja. One down, one more to go. Brian: Sub-Zero saw Scorpion go down and makes a leap for the exit. However, the Predator was way ahead of him. It drops it's camouflage as it drops from the ceiling. With an un-earthly howl, it pulls the Ninjas' spine from his body. Ok, that's enough there too. Very gruesome. Winner: Alien v Predator (2-2) Pixiliated Pugilists (0-4) Group Finished Match 2--RJ Harris Solo's Smugglers vs Bounty Hunters Group F--Cloud City George Lucas: I have been waiting for this match for oh so long a time! A group of my good guys takes on a group of my bad guys in one of the worlds I created. I feel so...(He starts to babble on in some language) Jamie: What language is he speaking? Cindy: Well my bet is--probably Gungyan. But don't worry, he is subtitled right now. Jamie: Oh so he is...why is he talking about Hoth again? He isn't referring to last years Rumble is he? RJ: OK George--I warned you! I said that you could come and help with this match only if you behaved yourself. Do you want to go back to Time Out? (He stops babbling and starts to rock himself) George (after a few moments): I'm OK--lets get to it. With Mr. Harris and me is John Madden--John how do you think this will turn out? John: Well, George, I see it going either way--both know all about Cloud City. So it will come down to--BOOM!--whoever scores first. RJ: By scoring you mean whoever surprises the other? (John nods.) Interesting. Jamie: It looks like the match is underway. The Hunters are in the Casino and the others are in some sort of computer room, where... George: It's the Communications Center!! It's the Communications Center!! RJ: George--no interrupting others. I'll give you one more shot--but with an accommadation. Slobad!! (In walks one of the ork guards. He snarls--holding a box of chicken wings. John drools.) Slobad: Slobad here! Whatcha wanta Misteer Harry? RJ: First of all it's Harris--but nevermind that please sit by Mr. Lucas and see that he doesn't interrup again. Slobad: Okay. Slobad sit and eatsa Slobad's wings. (He sits and John tries to take a wing--Slobad stares him down.) Jamie: Well to get on with it...where was I...oh yes. Han and the others are in the "Communications Center" where Lobot has connected to it and located Jango and his crew. Han: OK, Lando and I will enter from these two sides--Chewie you stay a level above us and stay in touch with Lobot. If we get split up--meet back here! Ok--lets get them! RJ: Meanwhile, in the Casino... IG-88: I hate just sittin here. I am going out to find these guys--I am trained to kill you know. (He walks to the door--Jango and Boba blast him away) Zam: What was that for? Jango: We don't need him--Boba has taken these guys on before--so the question is...Do you want to stay? (He nods in agreement.) RJ: At that moment, Han and Lando charge into the Casino--Zan goes down fast, but the Fetts are resiliant. (George: I bet that they were expecting something like this!) Lando falls next--taken out by a blast from Boba. That distracts Han for a split second--just enough to let Jango get his target. In a few brief moments only the father and son/clone remain. Jango: Where's the wookiee? Jamie: Chewie answers that question by crashing through the skylight--his crossbow firing. He kills Jango and turns his attention to Boba, but the bounty hunter is too fast--soon Chewie is dead too. Mr. Obvious: Only Boba and Lobot remain now. Boba: Father, I will not fail you. Three are down and I know where the last must be. I will kill him for you! RJ: No not to disreguard a son/clone's grief, but I find it difficult to believe Boba will have much luck finding the elusive Lobot. Anyway, while the last of the Fetts looks for the last of Solo's Smugglers, let's have a recap. George? John? Your thoughts please. (George, excited again, starts taking way to fast--even for the translators. Slobad picks George up and starts to head out--leaving the chicken wings behind. John steals them and gets up to the window, marker in the other hand.) John: See what did I tell you BAM!! First to score, last to survive! And if you see right here....AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (He falls through the window.) Mark: Hey, ah...where'd the window go? Jamie: I sent it out to get cleaned again--those stupid marker streaks. Slobad (just aware that his wings went out the window too): NO! Slobad's wings! Big man no steal from Slobad! (He jumps out the window too.) George: NO!! They will ruin the intergity of the match! (He jumps out the window after the others--Tolkien is heard from the Time Out Room, laughing.) RJ: OK--enough of the jumping out the window thing--Dumbledore, if you don't mind. (The wizard walks in and conjures a new MARKER RESISTANT window.) OK--where's Boba now? Jamie: Dead--or actually dying. (The Audience gasps--all of the commentators start asking how.) Well, George didn't need to jump out--the match was over by then. When Boba went looking for Lobot, he went over a retractable landing platform and... RJ: Ah, I see--Boba walks over the platform and Lobotretracts it. Brilliant! Even though it will take a while for Boba to technically die--Cloud City is on a gas giant and he'll fall for a really long time, but dead or not he can't get to Lobot now. Jamie: Yes, sweetie, that is correct--but you interrupted me. You know what that means... RJ: Yeah, (He gets up--reluctant to go, but starts of singing.) Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho to the TRO I go.... Jamie: Don't worry honey, you'll be back next week. And with that, I'll recap the group: Winner: Solo's Smuggler's (4-0) #1 seed for group F Bounty Hunters: (2-2) White Hand #2 seed for group F Group Finished Match 3 - Alexander Strub Ungol's Surprise vs. the Army of Israel Group S - Cumorah Battlefield "Give it to us, precious!" screamed Gollum, "Where is it, precioussss?" King David easily finished him off with the Sword of Goliath. Then she came out of the shadows. Shelob confronted the three heroes and the gasped in surprise at her monstrosity. SHe picked her prey, and scuttled towards Captain Moroni. At the last second he leaped out of the way, entagling her head in the Title of Liberty. Shelob aimlessly stabbed with her stinger but could not hit anyone. With her pincers eight eyes covered and her pincers entangled, she could not bite them either. Then Samson started to rip her legs off and hit her with them. While this did not kill her, it seriously hampered her mobility to only have five legs out of eight. One of her legs. The only leg left on her right side hit a rock and she tumbled on to her back. David and Moroni lunged, stabbing her underbelly repeatedly with the swords of Goliath and Laban. The sacred relics did their work well. Shelob's pincer managed to stab into Samson; the stinger stuck in him and he broke it off. His superior constitution allowed him to shake the venom off partially, becoming groggy but not unconscious. Disarmed and immobile, Shelob is finished off by the three. Hurrah for Israel. Winners: Army of Israel (1-0) Ungol's Surprise (1-2) Match 4 - Brian Ailshie Autobots vs Deceptacons Group Z - Ewok Village Brian: Here come the Deceptacons. Megatron: Now watch yourselves you morons. Optimus Prime is around here somewhere. Brian: with that, he drops from the sky. Suddenly a laser blast shoots up from the forest. Thundercracker bellows in pain as smoke issues from his left wing. Mostly out of control he plummets from the sky. A huge fireball erupts where he landed. John Madden: Oh, wait! Let's watch that again. If we zoom in here. (He taps a different type marker on the screen, and suddenly a large portion of window zooms in on that section) We can see here that the jet Transformer landed in some sort of control and took out his attacker with him. That little VW Bug is a goner. (Madden taps the window/ screen with a finger and the marker lines disappear and the view zooms back out to normal). RJ and Jamie: Wow! When did that stuff get installed? Brian: Last week. I took advantage of the low attendance last week, and had smart screens installed. Now we don't have to put up with the smell of the Orc guards/ cleaners so much. Mark: Well that's pretty cool. Brian: Thanks to Spielberg, Lucas, and Pre-Crime Chief Jon Anderton. Madden: Anyway, you guys just missed some more action. Starscream went screaming (pun intended) over the forest, and was blasted by Mirage. Mirage was smart enough to get away before he fell like Bumblebee, but his shot did give away his cover and Megatron took him out. Mr. Statistics: Well now it's down to one-on-one, leader vs. leader. Brian: Here comes Prime. He just slugged Megatron with a diesel powered fist. That sent him reeling. But Optimus doesn't slow up for a minute. He comes charging in and . . . BLAAAAMM Madden: And Megatron just got a shot in. He transformed to gun form and shot the Autobot leader. BOOM <> KAAABBRRAAAAMMM Madden: Whoa!!! Optimus Prime just exploded and lit up half the forest. Brian (using the new computerized window): And look here, the explosion was two fold. Megatron got himself caught in the diesel explosion. So he's cooked too. Madden: Wow, a fight to the total finish, a DRAW! Mr. Statistics: Amazing, neither Transformer team earns a single victory! Winner: DRAW Autobots (0-3-1) Deceptacons (0-3-1) Group Finished Match 5 - Robert Newell Ungol's Surprise vs Servants of Evil Group S - Hill Cumorah Goliath is big. Really, really big. But size doesn't do a lot against the spawn of Ungoliant. Goliath launches his spear at Shelob, but misses. The spider's stinger does not miss, and Goliath falls to the ground, insensible. He is quickly spun into a holding sac, and Shelob looks for more prey. Amalickiah and Coriantumr are arguing amongst themselves over who should be in command. Coriantumr strongly disagrees with having to be subserviant to the Nephite dissenter and King of the Lamanites. As their rhetoric heats up, they come to blows, and them to sword strokes. After they duel for hours, they both collapse from lack of blood. Shelob webs up a few more snacks. Winner: Ungol's Surprise (2-2) Servants of Evil (0-1) Match 6 - Mark Ailshie Tir Asleen Champions vs. Stallones Stallions Group C - Tir Asleen Rocky, Rambo, and Sly walk through the gate and look at an empty courtyard. "Yo, I don' know, okay?" mumbles Rocky. "I don't like this so good, y'know?" Before either of his verb-swilling companions can respond, a crossbow bolt flies out of the shadows and punches into Sly's face. The film star give a cry of pain and falls to his knees. Madmartigan, Sorsha, and Airk spring from the shadows, shouting a war cry. Airk leaps forward and slashes Rocky in the side of the face. The boxer shouts in pain, "Cut me, Mick, cut me!" before dropping to the ground. A cry of rage precedes a spray of machine gun fire. Airk and Madmartigan spring aside, and Rambo has them pinned down behind a short rock wall. Sorsha is a step too slow and catches a bullet in the thigh. She screams in pain, and Madmartigan leaps back out and drags her under cover. Rambo points his gun in the air and shouts like an inarticulate troll. "It's not bad," says Sorsha through her pain, but she is clearly unfit to fight for the rest of this battle. "Stay with her," says Madmartigan, and steps out of cover. Rambo roars in rage, and Madmartigan roars back at him, raises his sword and charges. Rambo opens up his machine gun, but Madmartigan zigs and zags, and closes to melee range. One swift slice shears the vet's arm just below the bicep, and the second takes his head from his shoulders. Winners: Tir Asleen Champions (2-1) Stallone's Stallions (0-2) Match 7 - Brian Ailshie Star Trek Captains vs Egyptians Group T - Geonosis Arena Kirk: Ok, one more fight. Everyone set phasers to their highest level. Sisko: I suggest we shoot first, ask questions later. Janeway: Lets take them out. Brian: So saying the Captains charge out. The Scorpion King has his team spread out and sees them coming. He shoots his bow. The massive projectile slams into Kirk's chest sending him flying. A second later however, three well timed phaser blasts decimate the Egyptian force. The Rock is the only one left. He dives behind the broken columns in the center of the field. A moment later he pops out and hurls his spear. It scores a hit and Sisko goes down, bleeding profusely from both sides of his head. So it's down to 2 on 1. Except the Rock is now unarmed. Picard and Janeway keep a rain of phaser fire on the pillars to keep the Rock down, as the move forward. As Janeway turns the corner of the column however, the Rock leaps at her. He squeezes in a bear hug till she passes out. As soon as he drops her, a phaser blast hits him square in the jaw. Picard doesn't bother to check Janeway for a pulse. Winner: Star Trek Captains (2-2) Egyptians (0-4) Group Finished Match 8 - Alexander Strub Servants of Evil vs. Lady Heroes Group S - Cumorah Battlefield This isn't even fair. The Lady Heroes are all hormonally imbalanced teenage girls -- no match against their chauvinist oppressors. Joan of Arc is no warrior, she's a hallucinatory peasant girl who somehow convinced an insane Frenchman (Charles VII) that she would be better at leading his army than he would. Considering that he was insane, perhaps she was correct. She is easily cut down by GOLIATH, who is a giant. Her patrly lance did nothing against his heavy cut of scale mail, and his lance like a weaver's beam impaled her. Without her annoying dragon Mushu or her insufferable luck, Mulan cannot withstand the blows of Amalickiah's obsidian-edged club. She is literally battered to death. Kim Possible does an absurd backflip over Coriantumr's head, dropping a small rock on him. This only serves to anger him and he guts her after grabbing her by the hair. Not a chance. Winners: Servants of Evil (1-1) Lady Heroes (0-2) Match 9 - Mark Ailshie New Dragon Army vs. Forces of Dulba Group D - Baladox Tower "Alright, just like we planned," says Ender to his troops. "Gradion go high, Bossk and Punisher go wide. Shoot from a distance, don't hesitate, and take out the underlings first. And stay away from any shadows. Move!" And they move. The three warriors have learned to trust this small boy with their lives. Meanwhile, Ravanark, Slink, and the Barbon knights are at the entrance of the tower. "Hold the courtyard and kill any who approach," Slink commands, while fading into the shadows. "I'll drive them toward you." "Don't give me orders, Nephew!" Ravanark snaps, but the only response is a disembodied laugh. The two knights glance at their master expectantly. "Fan out," he commands. "Attack anything that moves." The knights salute their obedience and move to comply. Suddenly, a shriek of rage pierces the air. The knights are astonished--they had never heard any war cry this formidable. But Ravanark has--many times, echoing off the cliffs of Noth Kooven or the Valley of the Kings. "A Grishnak!" he curses, but before he can warn his men to watch the skies, Gradion dives upon one of them, razor talons punching through armor, and his mace spinning in his hand to collide with authority into the helmet of the Barbon Knight. He is dead before he hits the ground. Ravanark shoots a blast of ice at the uncrowned prince of Grishnaks, but Gradion wheels in the air and swoops away. "My Lord!" shouts the other Barbon, and Ravanark turns his head just in time to see a blaster bolt slam into the knight's armor. The knight staggers from the blow, and a spray of Uzi bullets finish him off. "Die, slave!" screams the son of Kryton, and unleashes bolts of ice, fire, and malice. Bossk and the Punisher duck behind cover, and answer how they can. Gradion tries to swoop down upon him, but Ravanark sends a blast in his direction, convincing him to stay back. Ender watched the battle from a safe distance, preparing to aid his troops if necessary. It didn't seem to be. And in any case, there was the other enemy. From the corner of his eye, Ender thought he saw the shadow of a nearby tree move slightly toward him. Deliberately, he didn't turn his head either toward or away from the shadow and pretended not to notice. He put the binocs Bossk had lent to him to his eyes, and tried to appear completely engrossed in the far away battle. As he had hoped, the shadow flickered again. Ender casually turned his back to present the hidden shehap with an easy target. He counted backward from ten in his head. Slink grinned from his hidden vantage. As usual, Datsu was making a mess of things. He would have to rescue him from defeat once again. He would start with this boy, and then move on to the two soldiers on the ground. The Grishnak would prove more of a problem, but he could find a way. He faded back into corporeal form and sprang toward the boy's unprotected back. Suddenly, the boy spun in place and a flash of light and sound sprang from his hip. Slink felt something slam into his chest, and looked down in astonishment at the bullet hole there. Ender gave the shehap a tight smile. He knew what would happen now, and knew he had no way to avoid it. "The enemy's gate is down," he said quietly. And then Slink's magical energies exploded in a wave of power and sound. The explosion rocked the valley, and Ravanark looked up surprised. He knew that sound--he had heard it all to often at the end of the Garline wars. Slink must have been dispersed. Unfortunately for Ravanark, Ender's troops were not taken by surprise, as he had told them to expect a loud explosion. Bossk ducked out from cover and fired his rifle once, and Ravanark's avatar body was incinerated. Winners: New Dragon Army (2-0) Forces of Dulba (1-1) |