| Match 1 - Brian Ailshie Vampire Slayers vs Mongol Horde Group A - Camp Crystal Lake John Madden: Well that was quick, but fun! What, you missed it? Ok, let's go through it again in slow-mo. Here's the Slayers. They're kinda bunched up here, and over here comes the Horde. They're yelling and whooping like a pack of wild men . . . Brian: Which they are. Madden: Yeah, anyway, Ghenghis and Shan Yu let loose with their arrows and Buffy goes down. Van Helsing reacts and shoots a bolt from his crossbow taking Attila out of the saddle before he can join the battle. However Helsing get's Crazyhorse's spear for his trouble. Talk about heart burn! Right in the sternum! Anyway, Belmont takes a crack (of his whip) at Shan Yu as he approaches, but the rest of the horde just run him down. Quite literally. Did ya' get all that? Ok, let's watch it again. Brian: Rule of Madden, if it's worth watching in slow-motion, it's worth watching at least 5-6 times. Winner: Mongol Horde (1-0) Vampire Slayers (0-1) Match 2 - Robert Newell Group S - Hill Cumorah Ungol's Surprise vs The Lady Heroes Joan of Arc was the first to go. She was in the middle of a conversation with a voice in her head when she was struck by an enormous stinger that easily pierced her armor. Shelob spun webs around the helpless Frenchwoman and dragged her into a nearby cave. Kim Possible was stealthily tracking Gollum... or at least what she considers stealthily... when Shelob jumped at her from behind and bit her head off. Since cartoons aren't very tasty, Shelob doesn't bother to preserve this snack. After that, Mulan never stood a chance. She was singing about something or other... maybe about how great women soldiers are?... when Gollum steps out from behind a rock. "We hates the nasty singing. Quits it!" At this Mulan went into a new verse about tolerance and understanding. Gollum screamed and jumped on Mulan's back. He throttled her until she stopped singing. As she fell, she hit her head on a rock, and after not too long, bled to death. Winner: Ungol's Surprise (1-1) The Lady Heroes (0-1) Match 3 - RJ Harris The Borg vs The Egyptians Group T - Geonosis Arena RJ: Well here we are doing another "pointless" match in the Jedi dominated Group T. Brian: I wouldn't call any match pointless--it is after all, the Tournament. That has to count for something. RJ: OK, well anyway, pointless or no, the match has begun. Jamie: It starts out with the Egyptians entering the arena and scouting for their enemies. I wonder of those Star Trek guys have learned anything, besides how to be annoying. ("Millions" of Trekkies gasp.) RJ: Well, even though I am a Star Trek fan myself, I'd have to agree with my sweetie--The Borg are meant to learn from errors quickly and they have not as yet proved that they can. Besides, check out how easily Data resisted the Queen in "First Contact"! Comic Book Guy: Wost-Star-Trek-Movie-Ever! RJ: No not really, did you see Nemisis? But anyway, back to the action, Mark? Mark: The Borg has arrived and a quick slash to 3 of 3's belly ends it collective existence, but makes all the other Borg wary of the weapons. The other 2 members of the Collective start to fire their blasters at the Egyptians RJ: Oh no! Both Jesup and Balthezar are hit. 1 and 2 of 3 assimilate them in rapid succession (They both will be out of it for a while.) The Rock and Scorpion King hide behind some, well, rocks. Jamie: There are way too many Rocks or rocks here! Comic Book Guy: Agreed! Worst-name-for-a-wrestler-ever! (a Rock fan boos. He is escorted out by the Orc guards.) RJ: The two very similar looking men beind roc...I mean boulders must have devised a plan, they both come out of hiding and attack 1 of 3 together--another Borg goes down. Mark: The Rock look up and sees the Borg Queen approach. She has no visable weapons--any easy prey. Jamie: I wouldn't be too sure about that. The other two Egyptians are now fully Borg and as part of the...oh, Collective obey their queen. She has no trouble distracting the Rock while 2 of 3 and the new additions 1 and 2 of 2 assimilate the Scorpion King. He does manage to kill 2 of 3 before he bites the big one. I guess he finally could not take any more Star Trek hits. Mr. Obvious: Well a few too many blaster wounds will do that! RJ: It appears that the Rock is FINALLY aware of what has been going on. He slashes the Queen from the gut upwards. Then he turns to see 3 Borg coming at him--all of them very familiar--only to hear the Queen utter the famous line before she dies and as he is assimilated by his "friends". Elmer go on and give it to us: Elmer: Rwesitance is fwutile! Jamie: And that ends this match, even with all of the Egyptians still alive--they are BORG! Winner: The Borg (1-3) Egyptians (0-3) Match 4 - Brian Ailshie Tir Asleen Champions vs Highlanders Group C - Tir Asleen Castle Brian: What a great 3 on 3 battle! Madmartigan is facing off with Duncan, and Sorsha is fighting Connor. Duncan and Madmartigan seem to be fairly evenly paired, but Sorsha's getting pushed around a bit. Meanwhile Eric is squaring off with Ramirez. The old Spaniard seems to be doing will also. Eric's armor seems to be keeping him from falling to Ramirez. OH! Eric just got a lucky shot! He takes Ramirez's head! The sky goes dark, and then lightning shoots out of Ramirez's neck. Unfortunately for Eric, he's not an immortal, and he's wearing a LOT of metal. The electric storm kills him. Luckily for his teammates, they were far enough off to not be killed by the blast, but it does knock them all out. Madmartigan comes too first. He awakens Sorsha. Madmartigan: We'd best finish them off before they come too. Sorsha: But they might also spit out that magical lightning as they die. Let's get them both at the same time, just in case. Brian: The two heroes line up and simultaneously bring down their swords. What an upset! Winner: Tir Asleen Champions (1-1) Highlanders (0-1) Match 5 - RJ Harris Round Table vs The Empire Group P - Camelot Castle RJ: Well Rumble fans we are here to discuss the latest of the matches. The orc clean up crew just got finished with the post-match fix-ups and I have to say that I was not suspecting this as an outcome. Jamie: Quite right. The Knights of the Round Table had the home court advantage, so you'd think that they would be able to ward off their opponents. Yoda: But subtle and tricky the Dark Side is. RJ: Quite true Yoda. Could you sum up the events for us? Yoda: Commentate well I will. MMM! Sidiuos and his team appear they did in Grand Hall. Not food but destruction of Arthur and his knights did they crave. Homer: MMMMM! Fooooood! (Drools.) RJ: Homer, if you are going to be here, you have to commentate not drool about the potential of food. Homer: Okey-dokey. The King--if that's what he really is--entered his castle in the Dining Hall and looked for his foes. The funny old man in the pointy hat thing was going to invent all the pasta dishes in the world to feed to everybody but the other two men with swords decide that they wanted pizza instead so they killed everybody and had all the pizza to themselves! Lisa: That's not right dad. Arthur, ever trusting and true, lead his valiant and brave men forward into the unknown. Yoda: Strange the unknown is..Danger there may be! Homer: I never know what is in the old icebox...but i am not afraid of it--except for maybe bad cheese. MMMM. Chee... RJ: Homer don't go there! Homer: Righty-o. So, the big bad mean..(Lucas: And awesomely evil)..Emperor and his team came out of the Great Hall and saw the king, his knights, and the fan in the funny hat. Hehehe. Funny hat man. Jamie: You better take it from here, love. This is going nowhere. RJ: OK. Anyway, both teams are in the Great Hall and the Emperor tries to use mind control so that they would kill each other. But the king, his knights, and Merlin are not weak minded fools. The Emperor realizes this quickly and before any of the Round Table crew can attack, the Dementor comes out. Yoda: Very Dark it is to relive one's worst memory. JK: Yes, I was particularly proud of that creation. But why is it not working on Merlin. RJ: That is easy! Merlin lived his life backwards. As the years go by he looses not gains memories. He knows the future not the past. He also knows that there is no need to fear the future. Mr. Obvious: However, the others are paralyzed with fear. Jamie: Yes, each of them have had enough sadness to make them motionless. That is enough for the robot to attack. Lucas: It is General Grevious. The Sith trained droid leader! RJ: Easy man! There is still lots of matches and you don't want to get banished yet. (He mumbles an apology.) Jamie: Anyway, Grevious attacks with 3 of his lightsabers before Merlin can react and save his king and the knights. But soon it is down to two. Yoda: Yes. MMMM. Powerful in the Force Merlin must be. Realize he does that in all things it flows. Destroys Grevious with Fire and banishes the Dementor into another realm does he. Now must he face Sidious. RJ: Darth Sidiuos cannot afford to lose this match too, if he wants to get out of the Group. Merlin casts spell after spell at the Emperor, to no avail--his powers in the Dark Side are too great. At last Sidiuos delivers the fatal blow--enough Force lightning to microwave the wizard. Merlin pops like an overcooked hot dog. (Homer: MMMM. Hot dogs!) Mr. Obvious: And that's messy! Jamie: Yes and that is why a clean up crew was ordered. The Empire comes out on top here. Winner: Empire (3-1) Round Table: (0-1) Match 6 - Robert Newell The Order of the Phoenix vs. The Round Table Group P - Castle Camelot The four wizards stormed into Merlin's tower, wands blazing. They thought that they knew what they were up against. Merlin is still legendary in the wizarding community. They were not prepared for the power they were going up against. They battled their way up to the top of the tower, defeating magical minions and bypassing arcane traps. McGonnagall was the first casualty, falling to a poisoned dart. Sirius, Remus, and Moody made it to the top and confronted Merlin in his laboratory, only to be blasted... Petrificus Totalis! "You think your puny magics could hope to match my power?" With three slashes of his knife, Merlin ended the wizard's lives, their blood staining his floor. "Who is going to clean this mess up?" Merlin fumed to no one in particular. Lancelot, Galahad and Arthur continued to feast in the great hall. Winner: The Round Table (1-1) The Order of the Phoenix (1-1) Match 7 - Brian Ailshie Lords of Gondor vs Merry Men Group G - Minas Tirith Brian: Ok, I see the Merry Men. They're over there by the Halls of the Dead. But where are the Lords of Gondor? They've got to be around somewhere. Mr. Statistics: They know this place, remember. They're probably using some unknown passages. Sure enough, there's Faramir. He used a back way into the very halls themselves and has come up behind them. He looses an arrow and takes out Will. The second shot takes out Little John, but his third shot bounces off of King Richard's shield. The 'Lionheart' charges in. Faramir is hard pressed to hold off the crusading king. Brian: Look over there! Here comes Boromir and Denethor. They seem to have used another passage, and are charging Robin Hood. The master archer's first two shots glance off Boromir's shield but the second stops Denethor in his tracks. Robin gets a kill, but at the expense of his life. Boromir cleaves him from shoulder to hip. Mr. Statistics: He checks his father, but turns when he hears his brother yell. It seems it's down to just the two warriors now. Boromir is furious at the loss of his father and brother. He rains blow after blow on the English king. Richard parrys and deflects the blows, but seems to be tiring. With a mighty bellow he turns on the attack. Now Boromir is dodging and parrying blows. His rage driven assault seems to have winded him, and he falls back. Finally the Lionheart lands a shot on the side of Boromir's shield and sends it spinning away from the Gondorian's hand. However, at nearly the same instant, Boromir brings up his blade between two pieces of the English plate-mail. Richard gasps for air as the blade pierces his lungs. Boonta Eve Race Announcer: I don't care what universe you're from . . . Other Head: THAT'S GOTTA HURT!! <*SMACK*> Cindy: Man, that guy annoys me! Winner: Lords of Gondor (3-0) Merry Men (0-2) Match 8 - Mark Ailshie Power Rangers vs. Fangorn's friends Group F - Cloud City Crow: This should be good. Joel: The Power Rangers are dancing around, shouting wildly and waving their plastic child safe weaponry around. Tom: Treebeard seems mildly amused. Treebeard: Hm, Hoom! Lets not be so hasty, young whippersnappers. Beorn: RRAAAAHH!!! Crow: Beorn rages into bear form and leaps in to attack. The Power Rangers are scattered like candlepins before a big brown hairy bowling ball. Tom: Wonderful metaphor, Crow. Beorn is stuffing his maw with technicolor teenagers, and they flee before him! Scratch off the Mauve Ranger, the Plaid Ranger, and the Puce Ranger. Crow: I think those are red, green, and yellow, Tom. Joel: Gwahir sails down from on high and plucks the black ranger and the pink ranger in his talons, flies out a window, and lets them plummet through the sky. Crow: That's gonna be a long drop! Especially since Bespin is a gas giant. Eventually, the weight and pressure of AIR will crush them like black and pink clad grapes. Joel: Let's see--who's left? There's a white ranger trying to attack Treebeard with his plastic sword... Treebeard: Hm, hom, young buck! Why so hasty? The young are always in such a hurry to die. Joel: So saying, Treebeard brabs the white Ranger and squeezes between the seven fingers on his right hand. Treebeard: Hm, hoom! All too easy, and much too hasty. Winners: Fangorn and Friends (1-1) Power Rangers (0-3) |