| Match 1 - Brian Ailshie Lords of Gondor vs The Scots Group G - Minas Tirith Mr. Statistics: Looks like they're going to try the same trick again. Think it will work? Brian: Not likely against the statistics of William Wallace. But who knows. Will sees his opponents know, so we'll soon find out. Will: There are two of them, where is the third one? King Robert the Bruce: I don't know. Perhaps he . . . *<THWACK>* Brian: And Groundskeeper Willie goes down, an arrow between his shoulders. Will Thatcher sees this and charges toward the other two. His jousting armor stops the first two arrows that hit him. He jabs at Denethor with his lance, and hits! The grouchy father goes down, and . . . Whoa! Boromir just hacked him out of his saddle. He yells in rage and charges at William and Robert. Mr. Statistics: But it looks like they've decided to get at Faramir while his attention was on Thatcher. Faramir sees them just in time, and sweeps out his sword. He parries Robert's attack, and forces it into a block of Will's. Faramir is an excellent warrior but can he hold out against this 2 on one long enough for his brother to get there? He's backing up to keep out of range, but that also makes Boromir have to come farther. Brian: Oh! Will just got Faramir on the shoulder. Faramir grunts and backs again, but now Boromir crashes into the fray! He pounds into Robert the Bruce. Blow after blow, now Robert is falling back, and Boromir rattles the sword from Robert's hand! Boromir finishes him off, and turns to help his brother. Mr. Statistics: With his wound, he hasn't done as well. Besides that Will might be a better swordsman anyway. Faramir goes down with a slash to the gut, as Boromir closes with William Wallace. The strength of these two is remarkable! With a great shattering ring, the two swords break in half! Boromir doesn't waste any time. He buts his head into Wallace's face, then leaps for his brother's sword. He grabs it and finds that Wallace has grabbed the sword of Robert the Bruce. Again the two mighty warriors face off. Brian: Boromir smashes Will's sword to the left, then hits Will with his right knee. He raps the Scot with the hilt on the back swing, then plunges the blade into his neck. Gruesome, but final. Winner: Lords of Gondor (2-0) Scots (1-1) Match 2 - Robert Newell WWE vs WAW Group O - Madison Square Garden The first two to tangle are Andre the Giant and Brian the Giant. It is over quickly as Andre breaks him in half. Now Brian is only 3' 5 1/2"! Lt. Marco and Corp. Chiropractor next try to defeat the two greatest professional wrestlers ever, Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior. The Corporal and Lieutentat... Leiutenant... how is this spelled? Oh well, taking a page from our English cousins... Leftenant are in awe of the two legends of wrestling. Their awe is well founded. Hulk clotheslines them both and the Ultimate Warrior takes all the weapons off of their prone corpses. Hulk and Ultimate Warrior are ready, just in case anything starts going bad for their team. But nothing does. Big Show and Macho Man have already taken Allstar down like the punk he is. That severed spine is going to hurt in the morning... oh wait, he won't be able to feel it. And he's going to bleed to death long before morning comes. Now it looks like five on one. Death Wish is charging the five like he has one. Quick to oblige, Big Show and Macho Man gang up on the gang warrior. Death Wish kills Macho Man and mortally wounds Big Show before Hulk closes in with his appropriated weapon and finishes Death Wish off. Winner: WWE (2-2) WAW (2-2) Match 3 - Mark Ailshie Jedi Masters vs. Gladiators Group T - Geonosis Arena Owl: Whoo! I haven't seen such a spectacular fracas since my third cousin Albert stuck his head in a wasp's nest! Oh, I remember that like it was yesterday. It seems Albert had been trying to... Mark: The match, Owl. Owl: What? Oh, yes. Well, the Jedi Masters and Gladiators each brandished their weaponry, and Hagen and Juba let out a battle cry and attacked. But then the little green one--He reminds me faintly of my second cousin Robert, who was born with exceptionally long ears. He did find them very useful at times, but how the neighbors laughed. He-- Mark: Owl, call the match! Owl: Oh, yes. Well, Yoda and Qui-Gon shot out their right arms, and the two gladiators went flying backward like two young sparrows caught in a gale! Their bodies smashed against the arena wall, and every bone breaks. That reminds me of how my great uncle Herbert used to drop crabs from a great height, in order to crack their--- Mark: Owl, please don't go off on tangents! Owl: No tangent at all, no tangent at all. Where was I? Oh! Then Maximus and Spartacus became a bit more careful and hit defensive stances, but then Mace Windu shouts out some kind of war cry, and sails half way across the arena at a single bound, much like Uncle Torvald used to-- Mark: Oh, never mind! Mace leaps across the arena, his blade humming in the air. Before they can react, Mace takes the heads off of both of their necks. Quick match! Owl: Yes! Almost as fats as when my Nephew Arthur was made champion over the other chicks in grade school. Now, that was a match I'll not soon forget. He was only eight at the time..... Winners: Jedi Masters (4-0) #1 Seed from Group T Gladiators (3-1) #2 Seed from Group T Match 4 - Brian Ailshie Teen Titans vs Witch Army Group I - Bavmorda's Castle Bavmorda: This is pitiful! They say that YOU are a challenge to me? You're nothing! You're all just PIGS! Brian: Well, I can't say I didn't see that coming. Unfortunately for the Titans, they didn't see it coming. There are now 5 little pigs (one with green skin, and another with a mechanical foot) Kail and Sorsha ride out and start hewing them down. Suddenly the green pig (Beast Boy) transforms back to himself. That is his special power, so changing animal shapes is not harmful to him. He drags one of the pigs off to the side. Beast Boy: Come on Raven, you've got to be able to fix this. You've got magic too! Brian: Unfortunately, she's got a harder time using her magic as a pig. Meanwhile, Sorsha and Kail have slaughtered the other pigs. Beast Boy turns into a green Brontosaurus and stomps on Sorsha, horse and all. Kail's horse panic's and he is bucked off. John Madden: It seems that was actually good for him, because the dinosaur steps on his horse, but he's not on it. He jumps up and attacks the beast fearlessly. The first strike jabs into Beast-Boy's leg. He hollers in pain and switches back to human form. The next strike takes off his head. Brian: Now Raven really needs to race if she's going to change herself back. Oh, nope I guess not. Kail just skewered her too. We'll that's over. Winner: Witch Army (1-0) Teen Titans (0-1) Match 5 - Mark Ailshie Sailor Scouts vs. Boxing Legends Group O - Madison Square Garden John Madden: Okay, we can see here <squeaky> that the Sailor Scouts are in the center of the arena, but the boxers are nowhere to be found. Drederick Tatum: Where did they all go? Madden: Well, if we rewind the footage we can see that Mike Tyson went <squeaky> this way, into the locker room, and Joe Frazier went <squeaky> This way into the concession booth... Slobad, Orc Guard: Give Slobad your squeaky-squeaky stick! Madden: But, I need... Slobad: GIVE TO SLOBAD!!! <Madden and Slobad begin to wrestle over the sharpie.> Yoda: From here will I take it. Learned, the boxers have, from their unfortunate experiences. Hiding they are, trying to surprise the sailor scouts, hmm? Split up do the scouts, and find their opponents they will. Tazz: See, that's a mistake, Cole. They're just working right into the boxers' plans like this. Michael Cole: Maybe so, Tazz. Sailor Mercury ducks into the locker room, and looks around. She checks the bathroom, and while she's turned around, Mike Tyson jumps out of a locker and levels her! Tazz: Oooh! One combination punch, and Mercury's head is bounced off the wall, leaving a big bloody mark. Sailor Moon hears her cry and pops into the locker room to help her. She spots Tyson and... Sailor Moon: Moon...Tiara... Magic! Yoda: Into Tyson's stomach flies the tiara. Like a lightsaber it cuts, but Tyson staggers forward and... Drederick Tatum: Oh my! It looks like he's bitten the Sailor's ear off! That'll leave a scar! Tazz: And Tyson passes out from the wound in his chest, but it looks like Sailor Moon has also passed out from the shock, and they are both bleeding to death. Madden: Meanwhile, Sailor Mars is following Joe Frazier through here <squeaky>, but him and George Foreman have actually doubled back <squeaky, squeaky>, and are about to ambush her, right here <squeaky> booya! Jamie: Hey! How'd you get that sharpie back? Slobad: Slobad love chicken wings! <Crunch, slurp> Madden: Sailor Moon comes through here <squeaky> and the two boxers ambush her like they planned, but - Holy tough-actin-tinactin! Look at that girl fight! She creams Frazier with a karate kick here <squeaky>, and here <squeaky>, and he's down for a minute, and then she plasters Foreman with her magic scroll thingie here <squeaky>, and steps back. Mars: MARS CELESTIAL FIRE SURROUND! Yoda: Crispy critters are they! And walks through the fire does Mars, seeking the last of the boxers. Tazz: Meanwhile, Tuxedo Mask has caught up with Muhammad Ali. He tries to throw his rose-missile, but Ali bats it aside and starts in with the combination punches! A right, a left, another left, and a fierce uppercut! And Tux is down for the count! Yoda: Getting up is he never! Into his skull was his nose pushed. Instantly did he die. Madden: And now it's down to Sailor Mars <squeaky> and Muhammad Ali <squeaky> And they've found one another, and... Slobad: Slobad want more! Madden: Uh, I haven't got any more wings for you. Slobad: What got in bucket? Madden: These are MY wings! Slobad: GIVE TO SLOBAD!! <Madden and Slobad begin to wrestle over the bucket of chicken wings> Tazz: And now Mars goes into her dancy thing... Mars: MARS ... FIRE .... IGNITE! Cole: But Muhammad Ali just side steps and lets the flame pass right by him. He advances on her and begins opening up with the combinations. Yoda: Leaps away does Sailor Mars. Bleeding her nose and lip is, but wipes them does she. Dances does she again... Mars: MARS...FIRE...IGNITE! Drederick Tatum: It takes her too long to set up her attack! Now that Ali has only her to deal with, he is dodging her easily. Muhammad Ali: Float like a butterfly...<dodges the flame again> and sting like a bee! Tazz: Whoa! What a left jab that was! And he follows up with a right, and another right, and an uppercut. Cole: Mars is up against the concrete wall of the arena with nowhere to go! Drederick Tatum: He's pummeling her! Madden: Those are my wings! Slobad: GIVE TO SLOBAD!! Tazz: And it's over! Muhammad Ali has pummeled Sailor Mars to a frilly red and white pulp! The boxers win this one. Slobad: <Crunch, snort, slurp> Winners: Boxing Legends (2-2) Sailor Scouts (2-2) Brian's Note: Well since this bracket is now a 5 way tie at 2-2 a piece, I'll have to look at the stats to see how is all works out. For what it's worth, I did have this last match written (for this week even), but I thought Mark's version was more interesting, and Alexander seems to agree on the outcome (He wrote a version of the match this week too), even though I had it going the other way. Anyway, here's the stats. Fellowship: Kills in Lost matches (6) - losses in Wins (0) = 6 Scouts: Kills in Lost matches (6) - losses in Wins (3) = 3 Boxers: Kills in Lost matches (3) - losses in Wins (5) = -2 WWE: Kills in Lost matches (2) - losses in Wins (5) = -3 WAW: Kills in Lost matches (2) - losses in Wins (6) = -4 So, the winners are the Fellowship (#1 Seed) and the Sailor Scouts (#2 Seed), and the Group is Finished. At least that's how the Numbers work out. If anyone has a valid argument for a different way of looking at it, I'm open to hearing it. (Since we've got time, if this had been the last group finished, I'd have to go this way). Match 6 - Brian Ailshie Bounty Hunters vs Fangorn's Friends Group F - Cloud City Brian: The Bounty Hunters are in their element. IG88 hacks into the city's central computer, and finds alarms going off in the "Sullustan Saloon." They head that way. Mr. Statistics: It seems that Beorn appeared in bear form, saw the holographic display of the Sullustan's by the door, and attacked thinking they were orcs. When his attack missed (you can't really hit a hologram) he crashed into the plate glass window and shattered it. Stunned, but mostly unharmed, he charged the 'orc' again and this time broke up the front of the bar. Treebeard silenced the audible alarm, but the silent alarm was still going when IG88 found it. By the time Gwaihir and Treebeard calmed Beorn down, the Bounty Hunters had arrived. Brian: And Zam rushes in and shoots Gwaihir out of the air. Boba blasts Beorn with a rocket from his backpack, as Jango sends a stream of flame from his flame-thrower onto Treebeard. Both attacks nearly hit the changeling bounty hunter. Zam: HEY! You nearly killed me! Boba and Jango (in a strange stereo sound): But we missed you didn't we? IG88: and what about me? I would have liked to have killed something! Jango: You found them, and there was only three, so we all did our part. Relax, we won. Winner: Bounty Hunters (1-0) Fangorn's Friends (0-1) |