| WEEK 5 Match 1 Yoda vs. Eored of Rohirrim Gray Havens, Middle Earth Madden: Our judges for this match are the ever impressive Owl, the always quick witted, Comic Book Guy, and the (gulp) very fearful, Darth Piggy. What do each of you anticipate happening? Owl: Oh, finally some of the creatures of nature are central to a fight. Why I remember when my 3rd cousin, twice removed, Hector, went to a Dude ranch and saw a horse for the first time. He had the unfortunate luck to get an old rodeo horse� (Edited for the sake of humanity). So, I can anticipate a good match between the Jedi Master and the Riders of the West. I see the Rohirrim winning because they are closer to home. Comic Book Guy: Worst introduction ever! Even the writers of the most inferior comics I am unprivileged to carry at the greatest store ever could produce better drivel than that long-winded know-it-all of Pooh fame. I say poo to him. And all of his mediocre stories that have nothing to do with the subject. On the other hand, having read and seen all of the Fantastic Rumble, I AM AN EXPERT on this matter. I, thus, am able to inform all who are privileged to read this commentary that� (This too was edited for the sake of humanity.) So, oh, uninformed flier in the less than stellar Hundred Acre Wood sky, you are easily in the wrong! Yoda, the greatest of all Jedi Masters, will not lose this match. I will guarantee it. Darth Piggy: Guarantees mean nothing when compared to the Dark Side of the Force. These �Men of the West� can be corrupted. They are warriors and will fight against all of Yoda�s tricks. I am here to see to that. Madden: You know that we are not allowed to intervene in any fight. Besides, just because the Rohirrim are warriors won�t mean that they will win, Yoda said that �Wars do not make one grea..� (He is Force choked my Darth Piggy. She attacks him. This has been edited because of the brutality.) Now that that is taken care of, we can return to the match. CBG: It�s over already, you and the bird missed it. Wake up you over stuffed child�s story! (He pokes a sleeping Owl with a turkey drumstick.) You will have to watch it on replay. Madden (a bit weary): Replay? I get to do a replay? Darth Piggy: I suppose so, this time weak one. I must allow you to do your job. Madden: Well, it appears that the match went fast.. Yoda appeared as the Eored was charging down a hill. Yoda calmly meditated and stopped the horses in their tracks. Smart move there, he kept the strength of the Rohirrim out of the fight. You know, I have always thought that �(gulp) Darth Piggy (Force choking madden again): No commentating, just the replay! CBG: Touchy! (Owl nods in agreement.) Owl: I believe you would say �Worst Rumble Commentating Creation Ever. CBG: Well said, oh boring story teller. I do say, Darth Pig, you wouldn�t be trying to Force choke us too? Unlike the mortal Madden here, Owl and I are fictitious. No amount of pain will hurt us unless we are in a Rumble fight. Owl: Could we just get on with it. This story is starting to bore me! Release him Piggy. Madden (gasping for breath): Anyway, I was going to say that Yoda cares for the innocent. He moved the horsed out of harms way. If we go back to the tape, we�ll see that the Rohirrim have charged Master Yoda and have met up with his lightsaber. It is over in a matter of seconds. The blades of the Men of the West are no match for a lightsaber. Not even in the eternal land of Gray Havens. This win goes to Yoda. Now for our judges� scores. Owl: Well, leaving out my usual end of competition conclusion and accompanying story, I will score Yoda an 8, for a well fought match but a shallow victory over men with no beast. CBG: Best win by Yoda ever. A solid 10 do I give it. Lightsaber battles are the best thing to come out of Star Wars, beside Princess Leia and her hotness! Darth Piggy: A 7 is all the �Master� will receive from me. Lightsabers are not the power that is the Force. Yoda should have done better and done it more quickly. Tolkien: 'Wars not make one great' indeed! He showed fighting skill for sure, but not much finesse in my mind. The play-by-play of Mr. Madden was more interesting. I give him a 6. Darth Revan: I've got to hand it to the little fellow. He's got style. 9. Final Average Score: 8.00 (8, 10, 7, 6, 9) Match 2 The Terminator vs an Army of Middle Earth Orcs Moria The vast army of orcs are arrayed across one of the great dwarven cavern rooms. Their evil banners flutter gently on a thin cross breeze from some unknown depth. Suddenly the T-100 appears across from them. Bellowing in rage, the orcs charge the lone human. Except there is really little that is human about their foe. He hefts his weapon, a M60 machine gun. With a bellow of his own, the Terminator opens fire mowing down the unsuspecting orcs. Church Lady: Well, that was certainly gruesome. I wonder who thought that up . . . could it be . . . SATAN! I score the evil killing machine a 1. Sylvester Stallone: I think I've seen that before someplace! I think I'll give it a 7.5 for such a good spoof! James Cameron: Well, the terminator won. So he's got to score well for that. Of course someone could say that he didn't use much creativity, but to that I say, he's a Terminator. They just kill. They don't need to be creative. I'll give him a 6. Conan the Barbarian: Not so good. Why kill with guns when you can kill with hands? I say 5! Raargh! Daffy Duck: Sufferin' Succotash! Thats was a supersb displays of killsing skills that this craszy old duck has evers sween. I has to gives it a snine. He didsn't hunt fer thats swilly wabbit. 9 Final Average Score: 5.70 (1, 7.5, 6, 5, 9) Match 3 Darth Vader vs A Fist of Trollocs NY Subway System The Dark Lord strode through New York's subway system with complete unconcern. Without conscious thought, he was aware of the fist of Trollocs coming towards him through the shadows. The lead Trolloc raises a hand to order a charge. Vader makes a gesture, and the Trolloc finds himself short of breath. His fellows wait for the order, unsure why their captain has paused. The Trolloc chokes and sputters, but can only gesture frantically for his troops to attack before collapsing. The fist shouts in rage and charges. Vader turns on his lightsaber, and the first rank of trollocs hesitates. They pay for their hesitance dearly as the dark lord of the Sith makes a second gesture and they are thrown bodily backward to collapse in a heap of broken bones. Then the rest of the fist charges, and Vader's saber is a red blur, freeing blood from its fragile vessels and spraying it all over the walls. The fist pushes forward, only to die in ever increasing numbers. Finally, the few surviving trollocs realize that they are horribly outmatched by this single human and turn tail. Vader watches them go and draws upon the force. The brick masonry begins to separate itself from the walls and fly after the fleeing monsters, careening into heads and chests. Several fall, and the rest are driven into the train shaft. Unaware of their peril, they fly down rails. Vader uses the force to activate the subway system. The Trollocs step on the third rail and electrocute themselves. Vader examines his suit for damage. A little blood and dust, but not a scratch. No Trolloc ever laid a claw on him. "All too easy," rasps the dark lord. Comic Book Guy: Vader is the man, as always. A perfect 10. Single-word Stan: Impressive. 9 Tolkien: Okay, that was pretty good. But come on, Gandalf or Saruman could have done just as well. Let's not go over the top, here, eh? How about a 7.5 John Madden: As always Vader puts on a great show. Not only did he carry off the win flawlessly and unscathed, but he killed the Trollocs in a variety of ways creating an interesting battle. I give the original man in black a 10 as well. Palpatine: Well played... only give my apprentice some real opponents next time. 9.5. Walt Disney: I am never one to support violence, but I must hand it to Mr. Lucas for creating one of the greatest villians of all time. Vader's win was good but a bit violent for my taste. 8 Final Average Score: 9.00 (10, 9, 7.5, 10, 9.5, 8) Match 4 Indiana Jones vs a Mob of Gladiators The Back Streets of Cairo Gladiator 1: Raaruruugh! Gladiator 2: Ourrraaaarhhh! Gladiator 3:Aaauuurrghh! Jones whips out his pistol and opens fire. Six shots later and 6 of the 20 Gladiators lay dead or dying. The rest charge when the seventh pull of the trigger only issues a small 'click'. Indy smiles almost embarrassedly. Freeing his whip from its clip he strikes down two more gladiators with that weapon The rest however are no longer frightened by the strange weapon he has now cast aside. They have closed the gap between them and made the whip more or less useless. Spinning, Jones takes up a sword from a dead gladiator and jabs it into the closest warrior. However he is still outnumbered 11 to 1. The rest of the gladiators are more skilled with their weapons than the archaeologist and manage to take him down. Final Score = 0.00 |