MWeek3

WEEK 3

MATCH 1
Goliath of Gath vs. 6 Power Rangers
Ancient Chinese Temple

C3PO: Well, I hate to commentate on these stupid teen pretend ninjas. They never seem to do well.
R2D2: BEEP BOOB BREE BEEP
C3PO: Yes, I know that R2. I was just getting to the specifics. Our champion is Goliath, the over 9 foot giant Philistine. He will be fighting the Red, Black, Blue, Yellow, Pink and Green Power Rangers.
R2D2: BEEP BEP BREE BOOP BREEP BOOP
C3PO: Yes, I know that! It won't be pretty. The ninjas have a slight advantage since the fight is here in an ancient Chinese temple. Look it has begun already! Goliath takes out the Pink and Yellow fist with two swipes of his broadsword.
Mr. Sarcastic: Nothing wrong with "ladies first" huh?
R2D2: BEEP BREEP PEEP BOOP POOB
C3PO: Exactly right R2. That was uncalled for Mr. Sarcastic. During your babbling, the Giant picked up the Black and Blue rangers and bashed them together until well, .
Mr. Obvious: they were black and blue and dead all over.
Mr. Funny: Man these are bad puns!
C3PO: Yes quite right. Goliath has finished his fight in about 2 minutes flat. While the last 2 Power rangers were "morphing", the Philistine champion kicked the Green Ranger into a tree and twisted the the Red Ranger into a human pretzel. He wins in good fashion.
Mr. Obvious: Our judges today are from the hit show "Dancing with the Stars." Will the judges please reveal their scores:

Carrie Ann Inaba: Well, I don't like Violence but Goliath came to play! I give it a solid 9; bad form on killing the girls first.
Len Goodman: Well, for fighting on a loosing team in the past, you don't show it. It was very good work. 10.
Bruno Tonioli: Man, what a fighter you have come to be! I could feel how much you wanted to win. No one had a chance against this champion! 10.
Simon Cowell: Rather pathetic attempt at fighting really. The great brute only gets a 4 from me.
Darth Revan: Anyone who slaughters Power Rangers is alright in my book. I say give him a 7.5.
Goliath vs. Power rangers
Not Santa: Ho, Ho! I for one liked this fight! Goliath showed what happens when power rangers are "naughty." 8.5

Final Average Score: 8.17 (9, 10, 10, 4, 7.5, 8.5)

MATCH 2
Lara Croft vs. the Praetorian Guard
The Jedi Temple, Coruscant

The Room of a Thousand Fountains lay silent, the Temple vacant since Darth Vader slew its occupants. However, now it was occupied by a century of Rome's most elite troops standing at attention.
Now, enter America's favorite Tomb Raider, that sassy Brit, Lara Croft. Seeing that the artifact she was hunting was in the hands of the Praetorian Centurion, Lara knew she would have to kill his seventy soldiers in order to claim it for herself.
William Wallace: Ho'd the phone righ' thaire! I though' tha' a Roman Century wa' so called 'cause it ha' a hundred men in't!
Maximus: And you would be incorrect, my shaggy friend. The unit was originally intended to have a hundred men in it when it was conceived by Gaius Marius, but practically speaking, throughout the Empire's history the unit size was generally only 60-80 legionnaires. This one looks to be just about average.
William Wallace: And jus' whoo doo yoo thank yoo arr'?
Maximus: My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, and General of the Felix Legions, and loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius.
Wallace: O...kay. Ho'd on, ho'd on, the lassie's doin' somethin'.
Miss Croft has rather overtly drawn out both of her semi-automatic guns and commenced to fire upon the Romans. Her first blaze of ammunition tore through metal armor, shields, and flesh alike, killing about fifteen and wounding another twelve. That leaves fifty-five to kill.
The Roman centurion, his dander now most certainly up, calls out "Centuria! Prodeo!" And the Romans begin to march towards Lara, their gladii drawn. Lara pulls a grenade off of her bandoleer and chucks it right into the middle of the Praetorians. Not sure what it is, the Romans pause to look at it. When it explodes, another thirty-five Roman lie dead, with the rest all wounded to some extent.
"Eximo Hades!!!" shouts the Centurion, who is somehow still alive, and the remaining twenty Romans charge screaming at the young Briton.
Lara pulls out her grapnel hook, using it to hook onto a ledge near the ceiling of the Jedi Temple. As the grapnel pulls her high into the air, she continues to blast away with her guns, killing all but three remaining Romans. Halfway to the top, she releases the grapnel, does a back flip in mid air and lands deftly behind the last Romans. She blasts two of them in the head, and now out of ammo, she pulls out her machete and slits the centurion's throat.
Her enemies slain, Lara flips her hair around in characteristic posing.
William Wallace: Wael, tha' was certainly the most brutal spectacle I've seen since Falkirk!
Maximus: I concur. If I'd had her weaponry, I would've slain Commodus immediately.
King David: Hello everyone, sorry I'm late, I was just up on my rooftop when... WHOA! Who's the babe?
Maximus: I see no children present.
Wallace: Wha' arr' yoo blatherin' on about?
King David: That young woman there is a severe hottie.
Maximus: That young woman there is a demon who'd blow your brains out as soon as look at you. Especially you.
Wallace: Let's just get to scorin' shall we?
King David: Oh, okay!
Maximus: That's most definitely not what he meant, David.

William Wallace: Wael, I give the lass an 8. I couldn'a done wha' she jus' did, and I always like ta give the lasses the benefit of the doubt.
Maximus: I give her a 5.5. She slaughtered many good, noble Romans, and what is more, I simply cannot stand Angelina Jolie.
David: Well, I give her a perfect 10! She is so a 10. I mean, not only did she kill all those guys, but she also has huge tracts of land!
Maximus: Shut up.
Prof. McGonagall: This is severe muggle brutality of the worst kind. Yet one woman versus 70 men! I daresay that she did what she had to do. I'll score her an 8 as well.
Wayne and Garth: Talk about hottie! She�s Babe-i-licious! Makes me feel like when I climb the rope in gym class! Ok, Let�s give her a rockin� 10 man!
Not Santa: Santa has given those "Tomb Raider" games to many, many happy boys and ... No, just boys now that I think about it. Anyway, this was quite a bloodbath, and anyone who bathes regularly is probably on the "nice" side of my list, so ... 7

Final Average Score: 8.08 (8, 5.5, 10, 8, 10, 7)

MATCH 3
Ripley vs an Army of Middle Earth Orcs
The East Gate of Moria

Elrond: Now this aught to be a vicious match. The Middle Earth Orcs are most assuredly the most difficult of armies.
Tolkien: Quite right, it seems Ripley may have bitten off more than she can chew.
James Cameron: I don't know, I think you may be under estimating Ripley. Here she comes.
Tolkien: The orcs howl in rage and charge the lone female. This may be quick. There's about 100 orcs and they started to encircle her.
Cameron: Ripley's not armed though. She pulls out her pulse rifle.
Lucas: Besides Middle Earth armor is nothing against Sci-Fi weaponry.
Tolkien: Well . . .
Ridley Scott: Ripley opens fire and blasts dozens of the orcs.
Elrond: The orcs howl even greater in rage. They are still trying to swarm her, but don't seem able to get in close enough.
Cameron: See I told you not to underestimate Ripley.
Tolkien: I stand corrected. She . . . wait a minute. The orc chieftain calls hefts a great long bow. He fires . . .
Cameron: Unbelievable!
Scott: Well that certainly changes things.
Elrond: The arrow lodged between her eyes, and she falls to the ground. The orc charge swarms over her.
Lucas: Now what do we do?
Brian: It seems we have seen our first champion get 'bucked off' of the 'bull'.
Cameron: Which means?
Brian: She scores a 0. No need to judge, since she didn't win.
Scott: So just like that she's eliminated?
Brian: No, she still has two more 'rides' to try and out score the others.
Ok.

Final Score: 0

MATCH 4
Superman vs A Group of Sentinel Robots
Metropolis

The titanic robots began their search and destroy routine, just as they were programmed to do. Superman had other ideas. The Man of Steel punched one of the Sentinels in half and melted another's CPU with his heat vision. This got the attention of the other Sentils and they converged on Superman. He dispatched all of the rest but one by dodging in between them as they pursued, making them crash into each other. The final Sentinel charged the Last Kryptonian who dove into the robot's chest like Neo did those Agents in the Matrix. The Sentinel exploded the same way that the Agent did. Wrecks of several Sentinels littered the streets. The rest of the robots had been knocked through buildings. What a mess.

Sun Tzu: His form was poor. He won the battle, but his city was badly damaged in the conflict. Thus even in defeat, his enemy gained a victory. I can give no more than a 3 for that.
John Madden: Right you are Sunny, it was like winning a shut out game at home by five touchdowns, but having your offensive line mugging the fans on the sidelines. Home field advantage doesn't seem to be an advantage here. I give it a 4 though.
Strong Bad: Oh! Did you see those explosions! That one robot got totally burninated. This is better than Saturday morning cartoons... not that I... watch Saturday morning cartoons anymore... But, if I did, they would be cooler than that. 8
Robin, the Boy Wonder: Holy damaged buildings! The Superman won, but look at all that work to rebuilt Goth . . . I mean Metropolis. I give him a 7.
Lois Lane: My hero! Give him a 10.
Cosmo Kramer: Holy Cow! I've never seen a superhero explode robots quite like that in real life before! Perfect 10! I must be dreaming... Jerry? Jerry!!!
Single Word Stan: Devestating. 6

Final Average Score: 6.86 (3, 4, 8, 7, 10, 10, 6)

MATCH 5
Richard B Riddick vs. an Army of Easterlings
The Black Gate of Mordor

The great Easterling army begins to march into Mordor. Suddenly the huge war elephant gives a mighty bellow. The beast's hamstrings have been cut and if falls to the ground crushing a third of the army. The rest scatter to avoid the creature's death throws, a fate unavoidable by those still in the tower on it's back. Into the chaos Riddick leaps. He slashes and moves. The already demoralized army is now totally thrown. Within moments there are only the bodyguard of the King. These greater warriors have kept their heads and now converge on the lone fighter.
Riddick crouches on the ground and suddenly a blast of Furyian light decimates the last warriors.

Tolkien: Wow, I thought this one was going to end up like Ripley's match for a moment there. I've got to give him a 10.
John Madden: I would as well, except for a penalty for using the element of surprise and the Elephant killed nearly as many as he did. Only an 8 from me.
Vin Diesel: I'll give him a 10 as well.
Lucas: But aren't you biased? I mean you are Riddick! I should give a score in your stead.
Diesel: Fine. What's your score?
Lucas: Ok, I'll give him a 9.5.
Diesel: Big difference there.
Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves: A powerful victory indeed! I myself with the Merry Men could have done no worse.
Mr. Obvious: You mean no better. You could have done worse, if you lost. Besides, he did it alone. That is saying something.
Robin Hood: Alright, anyway, he used all of his powers and got the job done. He was a bit sloppy on the first batch of killings so I must score him a 9.
Richard B Riddick vs. an Army of Easterlings
Hannibal of Carthage: Who in Sheol is Riddick? It doesn't matter, his form was poor. He gets a 7 from me, and not more because he used no elephants.
Comic Book Guy: Is anyone else as bored by this character as I am? Anyone can beat Easterlings � For heavens' sake Aragorn more or less defeats them by himself in LotR, and he didn't need lasers or "furyan
force" or whatever. I would rather see Riddick fighting the Borg...oh, wait, I already DID see that in Chronicles of Riddick! Necros, indeed! None of us were fooled, Jim and Ken! Gene Roddenberry would sue you both if he were alive. A pitiful 4 I grant him, and let him be grateful for that!

Final Average Score: 7.91 (10, 8, 9.5, 9, 7, 4)