MWeek2

WEEK 2

Match 1
The Incredible Hulk vs A Class of Redshirted Ensigns
USS Enterprise NCC 1017-E

The five security teams of five ensigns each didn't know it yet, bu they were doomed. Not being given a name as a Starfleet officer in red is as good as a death sentence. The security teams had been called up to apprehend one Bruce Banner, who was in Cargo Bay 1. With a deep sigh of trepidation, the ensigns stormed into the Cargo Bay.
The surrender demand by the strange men in pajamas didn't really bother Bruce Banner. He didn't know where he was, or who he was facing, but strange things happen when you are a superhero, so he wasn't concerned. What did make him mad was that the crazy somnambulists started shooting when he moved toward them and began to ask a question. The phasers were set on stun, so all that they did was sting. Twenty-five stun beams make quite a sting. "HULK SMASH!!!" In a few moments, there were still twenty-five red things in the Cargo Bay, but only five of them were uninjured ensigns. The other twenty consisted of red greasy smears and red bloody pulps cast haphazardly around the Bay. The remaining ensigns ran for their lives and called to Transporter Room One. "One to beam directly to the Main Brig" they shouted almost in unison as they dove into the nearest Turboshaft.
The main Brig would have been a sensible place to send the rampaging Hulk. It is debatable whether it would have been able to contain him or whether it would have just made him even angrier and thus more dangerous. As it was, the lieutenant manning Transporter One misheard the five Ensigns and beamed the Incredible Hulk to the Main Bridge rather than the Main Brig. When the Ensigns stumbled out of the Turboshaft onto the Bridge to report their failure to the Captain, they entered what could only be described as a shambles. Their last view was a green blur leaping towards them.

George Lucas: Woah, those security guards were pathetic! That wouldn't have happened on a star destroyer. The Stormtroopers would have used some real guns, not those pathetic "phasers". Still though, the Federation's incompetence shouldn't detract from the Incredible Hulk's score. They did have absolute homecourt advantage. I give him a 9.
Gene Roddenberry: That is outrageous. Those poor redshirts were just doing their jobs. Hulk didn't have to murder them all. They were one a peaceful mission of exploration!
Robert: Actually Gene, the rules of the competition do stipulate that these are fights to the death, and your guys shot first. Keep that in mind as you score them.
Gene Roddenberry: I got it. This must be an alternate universe Enterprise. In that case... I give the Incredible Hulk an 8 for hisexcellent work only marking him down because if he'd been transported where
he was supposed to go, he probably would have lost.
Robert: (Rolls his eyes) Whatever... next.
Homestar Runner: I don't get it. Why was that Gween guy so mad? Oh, wait a minute... cleawly they bwoke his cow lamp. Yeah, I got mad at the Cheat
when he did that to me too. In that case... I give him a 15!
Robert: Scores between one and ten please.
Homestar Runner: Oh, wight. Ummm... six.
Robert: (Puts his head in his hands) Where do we get these guys?
Bugs Bunny: The Hulk wipped them bots to bits. Rah Rah reee kick him in the knee. Rah Rah rass Kick him in the . . . Other knee! Let's give him a 7.
Jon Madden: BOOM! Now that's some tought actin, Green Action! Gotta give old BB a 10, yeah a 10. He totally dominated on the ensign's home court. No containment. Let's see the replay her and we'll see that the "fatal flaw"
of the ....
(He is Force chokes by Darth Piggy--yeah whatever.)
Commander Koloth: The Incredible Hulk vs a Class of Redshirt Ensigns: 8. We Klingons always appreciate a good slaying of pathetic Federation scum. The Green Warrior will not receive full marks however, for he did not slaughter all of the weaklings at the same time, an honorable act of which he is more than capable. And he didn't use a bat'leth.
Single-word Stan: Expected. 8

Final Average Score: 8.00 (9, 8, 6, 7, 10, 8, 8)

Match 2
Voldemort vs. 25 Foot clan of Ninjas
Forest of Mirkwood, Middle Earth

The ninjas are all in stealth positions as Voldemort Apperates into the center of a small clearing. He immediately casts a curse-all of the ninjas start fighting one another. Obviously one of the Unforgivable Curses, used to control another. For sport he screams �Crucio!� at others. They fall easily. In a matter of 10 minutes, all but one of the ninjas has fallen. The final two words end this warrior�s life. �Adava Kerdava!� Voldemort smiles mercilessly, these Muggles were no match for the greatest wizard of all time.

Judges scores:
The Geico Gecko: Well, the wizard did not kill any of the ninjas but one. He used his dirty magic to finish of the others. He needed to do more work. I will have to give it a 6, for a half-hearted effort.
Mr. Obvious: We have to remember that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named could have used the killing curse on all of the ninjas. He showed some finesse �in the ride� by using all three of the Unforgivables. I have to give him a 10 for effort.
Tolkein: I have witnessed many of Voldemort�s matches and he did finish this one as he usually does; with hate and evil. He was going to win at all costs. He looses points from me for causing unnecessary pain with the Cruciatus Curse. It will be an 8 from me.
April O'Niel: Any time I get to see Foot clan Ninjas beaten to a pulp is a good time. This reporter gives a 9.
Saruman the White: Voldemort vs. Foot Clan Ninjas: 8. While Voldemort is a powerful sorcerer, he has always lacked the flair of a truly great spell-caster. Being a dark wizard is about more than simple killing. You've got to play with your prey a while, bask in the powers you've unleashed a little. I would've slain those fools with panache.
Single-word Stan: Extensive. 9

Final Average Score: 8.33 (6, 10, 8, 9, 8, 9)

Match 3
Gandalf vs. a Battalion of Battle Droids
The Stone of Tear

Tolkien: Well this match looks quite fortuitous. I wonder how long it wil take everyone's favorite Istari to vanquish these most pitiful foes.
Coriantumr: I took me several years to wipe out Shiz's army, and even then, I was the only left on either side.
Darth Revan: Soon we will see if this magician's cantrips are equal to the power of the Force.
Tolkien: What are you still doing here? After that incredibly hypercritical review you gave last week, I didn't think you'd show your Face at Rumble Stadium again!
Darth Revan: I don't show my face, at least not very often. It's behind my Sith mask. But that's beside the point. You gushy little fantasy fairies need someone to keep you honest. And, if I see you trying to pull a fast one, I might have to, oh, dismember you with my lightsaber maybe?
Coriantumr: Pay attention both of you! You're missing the match.
Gandalf has already drawn his elvish blade, Glamdring, the Foe Hammer. Amazingly, the magical elf weapon seems to be able to deflect blaster bolts like a lightsaber, though Gandalf only needs to do so until he closes the distance between himself and the droids. "Tolo dan nan ngalad! Natha daged dhaer!" Gandalf shouts in what we uninitiated can only assume is Sindarin.
As he passes into the midst of the droids, down falls Glamdring again and again, rending metal and tearing circuits asunder. Bearing the blade one-handed, in the other he wields his arcane Staff, bashing the heads of the incompetent automatons. A wizard Blast of the same sort he used against Saruman sends a handful of droids flying. The magic did little harm to a fellow Istari, but too these mindless aberrations, it is deadly. Shining the Light-of-the-Istari from his glowing staff, Gandalf incinerates another group of hapless droids. Tairen onlookers outside the Stone see only beams of light shining from its portals.
Seeing that its blaster bolts are useless, a lone battle droid attempts to beat Gandalf over the head with the butt of his rifle. However, the reckless weapon comes down on Gandalf's protective crystalline sphere. One thrust from Glamdring and the droid's efforts are ended permanently.
With few droids remaining, Gandalf prepares to speak the Word of Light. "Lasto beth ni i-Duath! Lasto beth ni!" Speaking the Word, he strikes his staff upon the ground. A terrible burst of wind emanates from the place where his staff has struck, filling the room and knocking over any remaining droids. The last of Gandalf's enemies lay broken on the floor. Gandalf dusts off his robes.
Tolkien: Well down, Mithrandir! I knew you could vanquish those foes, myriad though they be!
Revan: That took far too long. A being of his supposed power should have slain all of those pitiful things in under ten minutes.
Coriantumr: Weren't you paying attention to the timer? He killed them all in five!
Revan: Really? I suppose I forgot to stop using my Force Sight ability. Those wizard powers sure do leave some pretty colored trails through the Force!

Tolkien: Alright now, time for scores! Since I am biased as Gandalf's literary benefactor, I will only give him a 9.5, er, a 9, yes. That would be fair I think, a 9.
Coriantumr: Hmph. I enjoyed the match, but since there was no bloodshed, I believe I can only give it a 6. Now if he were fighting mortals, what great sport that would've been! As it is, 6.
Darth Revan: 8.5
The Others: What?!
Darth Revan. 8.5 I said. Are you two deaf?
Tolkien: We just weren't, er, expecting you to be so positive.
Darth Revan: Well he's no Sith or Jedi, but the pretty colors his magic created through the Force were impressive, I have to say. Only a truly powerful entity could accomplish those. He's got me convinced. 8.5, and not more if only because his foes were so truly pathetic.
George Lucas: Ok, I must admit. Tolkien's guy did well.
Tolkien: Dost mine ears deceive? George actually has something positive to say?
Lucas: Don't push it professor. Gandalf gets a 9 from me too.
Bugs Bunny: Eh, well Doc, I got to give him a 7. He kinda had some better turf at the Stone than these "kwazy wobots" had. He should have easily finished them sooner. Or he could have done a silly dance to distract 'em. Like this...
(Bugs dances and Tolkien looks on, dumbfounded.)
Single-word Stan: Prolonged. 6

Final Average Score: 7.58 (9, 6, 8.5, 9, 7, 6)

Match 4
Agent Smith vs a Double Byte (16) of Borg
The Borg Collective Cube

John Madden: Agent Smith appears on a thin walkway, high up in the cube. The 16 Borg are spread out across the whole ship. Tracking them down might be a bit time consuming for the Matrix program.
Mr. Statistics: Past numbers have showed that the Agent is well suited for the task.
Mr. Funny: Hey! Great pun! Well suited!
Mr. Statistics: I assure you it was unintentional.
John Madden: Back to the match. And I think that was unintentional as well. Smith just bumped into his first Borg. Quite literally in fact. The Borg turns and grapples the Agent. Thumping his head into the Borg's face, Smith gives a jab to the chest . . . Whoa! His hand just penetrated the Borg's chest! It gives a jerk and goes rigid. After a moment the Borg's image shimmers and transforms to a duplicate of Smith.
Jar Jar Binks: Oh, Agent Smith better look behind his-self. He's gonna be messy. Dem two Borg gonna blast 'im. Me no watchin'.
Bob Costas: Wait, now what's going on? The two Borg just went rigid as well.
Mr. Funny: They're doing the Frankenstein! No wait, it's something else.
Monty Python: And now for something completely different . . . Or rather 17 somethings that are just the same.
Madden: I don't believe it. When Smith cloned the one Borg, it seems he took over the whole collective.
Costas: That's right. He beat the Borg at their own game.
Madden: He borged the Borg!

Judges Scores:
Madden: He gave the Borg their home court advantage, you gotta give him credit there. And' I'm sure taking over the collective took some real mind power. However I'm gonna dock him points 'cause we couldn't see the battle really. So I give him an 8.
Mr. Statistics: Beat them at their own game. Gotta give credit where credit is due. I'll give him a 9.
Stan Lee: I've got to weigh in on this one. Other than a headbutt, and a mean jab to the chest, Smith didn't really do much. I'll only give him a 3.
Mr. Sacrastic: So now ehat are we doing, any type of comment and we make a new "Mister"? It's bad enough that somebody inverted Darth Piggy. Heaven help us if she gets into a Rumble! Oh, yeah my score...I have to award "Mr. Smith" a 6--there was no effort, but he passes because he wins. Shame he has to give out that "mister" tittle to everyone.
Comic Book Guy: Agent Smith vs a Double Byte of Borg: 5. I simply cannot give this match full points. Everyone knows that Mr. Smith's powers stem from the Matrix and that he can only function out of its confines by possessing an avatar. He is quite simply a computer program, and would simply have been assimilated by the collective, in my prestigious and professional opinion. In fact, I would say that he would simply have... (review truncated due to its extreme length and insipid tedium) ... therefore, I must be forced to give this match the 5 it deserves. Most average Matrix-themed Rumble event ever!
Single-word Stan: Finesse. 10

Final Average Score: 6.83 (8, 9, 3, 6, 5, 10)