| WEEK 10 MATCH 1 Venture Plamnor vs. a Squad of Sardakaur Boston Common Not Santa: Ho-Ho-Holy crap! They are fighting at the North Pole! My old stomping grounds! Mr. T: That ain't the North Pole, fool! That's just the Boston Common after Yestehday's storm! Comic Book Guy: There's no need to shout, B.A. Not when good old fashioned sarcasm works better. Venture has appeared waist deep in the snow, and is digging his way out as we speak. Why anyone chose this mediocre elvish warrior as the 'champion' from the Blight of the Dark series is beyond me. Mr.T: He's the protagonist, sucka! Have some respect fo' Mark's invention, or he's gonna toss you heckuva-far! CBG: Look how the pathetic Sardakaur are faring! They are fanning out around the common, looking for their quarry. Venture seems to blend in fairly well with the muted colors, but he can't hide for long. Not Santa: Now, don't be so sure, Coal-jockey! The snow is messing up their infrared detection glasses, and they have been forced to rely on visual tracking. Venture's got the advantage there, since he's wearing grey and the Sardakaur are in black colors. See, this is exactly why my red suit has white fur on the inside. If Santa needs to hunt down those naughty communists, it's flip that suit, whip out the scythe, and on with the night vision goggles. Why once young Stevie Seagal and I... Mr.T: Dang, Fool! You be worse'n that Owl sucka! Quit all that Jibba-Jabba, and watch the match! Venture has climbed up a large tree, and is pickin' off Sardakaur with heckuva-well placed arrows. Not Santa: Little feathered messengers of death punch right through the Imperial shock troops' visors. If they aren't killed instantly, they die of slow suffocation as their precious air is drained away... CBG: I see these are the Sardakar from the inferior David Lynch movie. THAT's gonna cost him some points... Not Santa: Hey give him some credit, Coal-jockey, fighting isn't even Venture's strong suit. CBG: Why do you keep calling me that? Don't you always get my annual milk-and-mallomars bribe? Mr.T: Can it, fool! One o' tha' Sardakaar was able to radio in Venture's position before he died. Now, we'll see military discipline in action. CBG: Oh, please, as if B.A. Barracus would know... Mr. T: That was just a character, fool! You cruisin' for a bruisin'! Not Santa: The Sardakar are closing in. There are fifteen of them left, and they are all moving directly toward Venture's tree. The elf sees his danger and leaps into a deep snow drift. The Sardakaur fire wildly and one of the lasers tags Venture's jacket. It bursts into flame! CBG: Well, Venture can douse the flame easily enough--he's in the snow for crying out loud--but the problem is that now he's a clear target. The Sardakar all point their weapons and...Oh, how incredibly pathetic! Not Santa: He has raised his hands over his head! Why, I do believe he's surrendering to them! That's not very championly at all! Mr.T: What's he thinking? The fight is to the DEATH, sucka! Not Santa: Be that as it may, he seems to have convinced the Sardakar with a few easy words that he is willing to surrender, and they, with their military training, are unwilling to shoot someone who has given up. CBG: This is appalling! There is no emoticon to express the rage I'm feeling! He has put his hands behind his head and is stepping down from the snowbank. A few of the Sardakaur have begun congratulating themselves, and one is radioing in their success at their base. This is just sad! Mr.T: Wait a sec... Not Santa: Santa thought Venture had more pride than this, boys. Mr.T: Wait a sec, fools! Where's his bow? Not Santa: Uh, I think it broke when he jumped out of the tree. Why? Mr.T: He's not giving up, sucka! He's closing the distance. CBG: Great Scott, the Mohawk man is right! Venture steps docilely to within five feet of the soldiers, and then whips two daggers out from his sleeves, plunges them into the two closest enemies. Then, he grabs the rifles from them as they fall, and dives away into the undergrowth! The Sardakar were so thoroughly convinced that he had surrendered that they were taken totally by surprise! Not Santa: Ho, Ho! What a clever little elf! I wish my own black-ops elves were half so clever! Mr.T: Man, it's like Claus said--fighting ain't Venture's strong suit. But convincing people to do what he wants--that he's good at. CBG: And now Venture is behind cover, and the Sardakar are completely taken unawares, with nowhere to run. Venture sprays hot plasma into them, until they all fall dead. Mr.T: Fine then, what's your score? CBG: A clever ruse, I will give him that. He even had me fooled, momentarily. I bow to his superior wisdom. But I cannot countenance even PRETENDING to just quit. He ought to feel ashamed! A lowly 4 I give him, and let him be grateful! Not Santa: I know you hater to look like a fool, Coalmic Book Guy. Ho, Ho, well I was fooled too. But I count that as a plus for this plucky elf. And you must admit he was facing much more advanced technology - night vision goggles and plasma rifles against a bow, a few knives, and his own brain. I'll happily give him an 8.5, just for the ingenuity. Mr.T: Yeah, Venture got style. But he was lucky, man. Real lucky. If these had been the 'shoot-first-ask-questions-later" type o'Sardakar, he would've been deep-fat fried. He get a 6 from me. Single Word Stan: Inventive. 7. Han Solo: Man, I like that kid. He kind of reminds me of a young smuggler I use to know . . . me. I'll give him a solid 9 for a good fight and great use of stealth and class. Final Average Score: 6.90 (4, 8.5, 6, 7, 9) MATCH 2 Jen Yu vs a Century of the Praetorian Guard Imperial Palace, Rome Bobby �the Brain� Heenan: The 70 Praetorians stand in a square with their centurion at their lead. Jen Yu charges from one side, the green destiny striking down the first file on that side. The second file try to engage her, but she leaps to the air and soars over the whole century. As she lands on the far side she slices into that side as well. John Madden: And again she leaps to the air landing on a third side and taking out that side. She leaps again and takes out the fourth side. Heenan: Actually the last two �sides� would be the front and back of the formation. Madden: Speaking of formation, the Romans have formed a wedge and are now turning to follow the leaping warrior. Heenan: That would be a wheeling maneuver. Madden: I don�t see any wheels. Heenan: I mean the soldiers. Madden: I�ve never seen a triangle wheel before, but whatever. They now have her pinned in a lower area. She won�t be able to leap over them. She . . . Whoa! Heenan: She can walk the walls too. She runs sideways along the wall and turns on the back point of the wedge. She cuts down the centurion and most of the others in the leaderless chaos she has created. The final group charges again and she flies about them hacking them down. Jackie Chan: Roman Stir Fry. My favorite! Heenan: Well she certainly stirred them up, but no frying involved. Chan: I�ll give her a 10. Wowee! Madden: I�ll give an 8, which is round like the wheel thing you were talking about. Heenan: You�re hopeless. She gets an 8 from me too though, it was just too quick. Spock: This was fairly impressive even under Vulcan standards. But alas, it ended not quickly enough for me. I'll score a 7. Jar Jar Binks: Oh, mesa thinks dat was a gweat fight! Mesa givens her an 8. Final Average Score: 8. 20 (10, 8, 8, 7, 8) MATCH 3 Padan Fain vs a Group of Sentinel Robots Xavier School, NY The thin, twisted evil little man lurked in the shadows awaiting his quarry. Any moment the madness will strike. With a maniacal laugh, Fain leaps at his prey. His dagger swings down at the creature's neck . . . And the blade turns on the metal 'skin' of the robot. Fain's surprise only lasts a moment however when he realizes that the blade slipped and nicked his own wrist. Blackness and corruption spreads quickly and the end is quick. Final Score: 0.00 MATCH 4 Snake Eyes vs a Fist of Trollocs Shadar Logoth The Trollocs are frenzied at their surroundings. The striking Ninja does nothing to calm their wild fear. Snake Eyes mows half down with his Uzi, several more fall with shiroken stars protruding from vital touch points. The remaining Trollocs are hewn down by Snake Eyes' katana. John Madden: Well, he certainly did well against a strong foe. Most people need to use magic (or 'the power') to take down a full fist of Trollocs. He has no magic. That's got to earn him some big points. However, his choice of local gave him an edge. I'll only give him a 7. Al Michaels: You're quite right about Snake Eyes' skill in defeating the Trollocs with no magic. Though I think the local choice was from the Wheel of Time so that's got to give them some home-court advantage. I'll give Snakes' an 8. Robert Jordan: Trollocs were tough in the first books, but they got old fast. Snake Eyes killed them easily so they must be the weak ones from the latter books. I'll give him a 6 for good effort. Mr. Obvious: A bit on the boring side as far a ninja goes. Snake Eyes should have done in his enemy in a more impressive manner. Only a 6 here, says I. Jar Jar Binks: Oh! Hesa muy muy brutal, idn't he! Mesa give him a 7, okeday? Final Average Score: 6.80 (7, 8, 6, 6, 7) Match 5 Paul Atreides vs an Army of Easterlings The Black Gate, Mordor Paul flips on his personal shield and starts firing his gun. Easterlings fall by the dozen, and their arrows are repelled by the shield. However the vast number of enemies is overwhelming. Paul is forced into a smaller and smaller area. Seeing he is getting hemmed in he turns the voice on them and one company of the army attacks their compatriots. The king�s silent bodyguards however advance on the Kwisatz Haderach. Paul turns on them, but outnumbered they close and stab him through the shield. Their swords being slow enough to penetrate the barrier. Final Score: 0.00 |