| WEEK 1 Match 1 Merlin vs. a Zerg-rush of Zerglings Scottish Highlands The Zerglings swarm onto the hill from all directions. A placid man in a blue cloak leans on a staff and watches them approach. Then suddenly, when the first Zergling is within striking distance, the old man is gone, replaced by an immense blue rhinoceros. The zergling's claws slide off the rhino's hide, as it charges back at the zerglings, impaling them with it's mighty horn, all the while singing a nonsensical song about fish swimming to and fro. The zergling swarm advances, and suddenly the rhino is gone, to be replaced by a blue eagle which flies over their heads, dive bombing the zerg, carrying off one or two at a time and slamming them into rocks or each other. The zerg are disoriented, and begin turning on one another, snapping and hissing. The eagle hovers over them, and then is suddenly a blue whale, which squashes the remaining zerglings into orange paste. Time: 4 minutes, 12 seconds Bobby Heenan: 8 - He loses points for retreating as a bird. These champions should never need a breather. Still, you've got to admit, Merlin does have style. Comic Book Guy: 5 - I see this is the ridiculous children's version of Merlin, from the inferior Disney remake of the Arthurian Legend, the Sword and the Stone. What are we to expect next? A talking owl and getting "blown to Bermuda" and all that rot? Good one, Walt, taking one of the most beloved legends of history and....<Rant cut for length> Ender Wiggin: 9 - Got the job done without taking unnecessary risks. Well done. Aragorn, son of Arathorn: 9. This was a well fought battle, and the Blue Wizard showed great skill in defeating his foe. The lowered intelligence of the Zerglings necessitated only hand to hand combat. Merlin lost a point for flying. Walt Disney: I give a 7 for Merlin. Superbly done. Just a great as I could have imagined it. I did take some off for being close to his home turf. Robert Jordan: I give it a 6 Sirius Black: 6. That's the famous Merlin? He did alright I guess, but I wouldn't say I'm really impressed. I suppose the stuff that was new to him would be old hat to me though. Final Average Score: 7.14 (8, 5, 9, 9, 7, 6, 6) Match 2 Bruce Lee vs. a Batch of Dementors Gilligan's Island �Animal� Johnson, rodeo announcer: Well, howdy, folks. This here is a newer event for us in the rodeo biz. I have never seen a fight like this. President Brian Ailshie has already explained the rules. Today our fight takes place on a neutral site-Gillian�s island! He He; man that Gilligan was a funny character. Anyways, our Champ in this fight is the always awesome, Bruce Lee. The first team he will fight is a Batch of Dementors. Oh, tough draw there. Judging the match today are C3PO, Elmer Fudd, and CS Lewis. Welcome, y�all! Lewis: Pleasure to be invited to judge. Thank you. Fudd: Wow, this wrealy is a fabluwous iwland. I am wery exciwed tobwe here. C3PO: Well, I can�t say the same. I am made to commentate and judge; it�s my lot in life. I don�t recall ever being in a Tournament. Perhaps, someday. �Animal�: Well then, her we go. Bruce appears on the island and all seem very normal. Bruce is a veteran of these Rumble tournaments and fights well. How do you three think he�ll fair against the Dementors. C3PO: Well, considering that as JK would say, muggles or regular human folk cannot see Dementors, I feel that Mr. Lee might not win this match. Lewis: True, Goldenrod, but it is not about winning but about the scores given for the overall performance. Ah, here we are the Dementors are arriving. Fudd: Ah, I hawe a bwad feeling abwout this! �Animal�: The once sunny skies have darkened and Lee is confused as to why. He suddenly looks very downcast. How many Dementor are ther in a batch actually? C3PO: Twenty. And all of them are starting to circle around Mr. Lee. Lewis: But is should be noted here that Bruce is fighting the effects of having all happiness sucked out of him quite well. Normal mortals faint within moments of Dementor contact and Lee is quite resilient. Fudd: It appwears that Bwuce is pwacticing his kw-kwa-he is pwacticing his kwiicks and puchwes. C3PO: Yes, in order to combat the gloom he has felt, Mr. Lee turned to something that brings him joy. Unfortuently that only feeds the Dementors more; oh dear. Lewis: Yes, oh dear is right. All Twenty Dementors now converge on the practicing Lee. No hits or punches are landed, for no mortal hand can fight them. Only the Patronus Charm would work here. "Animal": After a few moments of agony Lee screams something in Chinese. This "ride" is over--the Dementors flee and all is as it was before--a happy little isle. Judges would you please give your scores concerning how Lee fared in this battle: C3PO: I give a 7. He must have uttered something in Chinese that helped him win. Fudd: 9. Yes, jwust 9. I would not hawe dwone as well. Lewis: After careful consideration, I give Mr. Lee a 8. A strong performance considering the odds; I only wish I knew what he spoke. Robert Jordan: I give it a 7. John Madden: Talk about taking the victory through the back door! If it wasn't for some lucky language play, he'd have lost this one. Can't see giving better than a 2 for Bruce Lee in this one . Owl: Whoo! I 've got so many to comment on, I don't know where to begin. It reminds me of when my cousin Roger tried to count all the ants in an anthill. The moment he started to count them, they'd turn about until finally he divined a method of... Eh? Oh, yes the matches. I must say, I am confused as to what took place. Not that I am confused in the meta-physical sense, which is really more of a bemusement of the senses, often brought on by... Yes, I know! I'm getting to it. I give the mighty Lee a 6, as I am unsure by what method he performed this feat, and thus I cannot be sure whether it was by nefarious means. Darth Revan: 4.5. Clearly the human has mastered the Force Scream sonic technique, but his form was far too sloppy. A real Force Adept would have actually fought his opponents anyway. Final Average Score: 6.21 (7, 9, 8, 7, 2, 6, 4.5) Match 3 Count Dracula vs. Stormtroopers Echo Base, Hoth The moon comes out from behind a cloud and a wolf howls, but the clones of Jango Fett fear no howling wolves. Another example of their foolishness. The troopers stalk through the rebel base on Hoth, Blaster rifles pointed in all directions. Suddenly, a dark cloaked form fades out of the shadows, seizes two of the troopers, and snaps their necks with horrific strength. A nearby soldier cries out, and is rewarded with a slash of claws that tears out his throat. "Blast him!" shouts a trooper, and the Imperial thugs open up with blaster fire, but their quarry is gone, having vanished into mist. The troopers keep shooting, sure their quarry could not have really disappeared. Thus, they are unaware when the Count reforms behind them, seizing them one at a time and tearing out their throats. Finally, the last six troopers see their opponent, and Dracula transforms into a wolf and pounces on them. Blood flies everywhere, as blaster bolts go everywhere. With one trooper left, Dracula changes to human form and seizes the rifle, crushing it to rubble in his bare hands. Then he locks his fangs on the stormtrooper's neck, draining him dry as his kicks and screams grow gradually weaker. The pristine snow of Hoth is stained pink with blood as the last trooper falls. Stephen King: 10 - That...was....cool! Brother Maynard: 9 - for lo, the great count did cut his enemies into tiny bits, and made glad the hearts of the spectators. Brovo, I say, Bravo! Professor Umbridge: 4 - I cannot understand why anyone could rejoice at such a mess! And a part-human vampire slaughtering human beings, as well! Shame on both of you! Alfred Hitchcock: I give it an 8. It was very brutal but not suspenseful enough. Was Dracula even challenged. It was a super ride but not to tough for the monster. J.R.R. Tolkien: You must give Dracula extra points for giving the Stormtroopers a bit of an edge on the arena, though I think there were other Arena's that might have given them more advantage, not that it would have mattered. The Stormtroopers are a weak 'bull' for sure. I guess I'll give a 6 for Dracula. Robert Jordan: I give this one a 5. Vlad the Impaler: 5. My doppelganger only did half as well as I could have done myself. And what, no trademark impaling? How infantile. Final Average Score: 6.71 (10, 9, 4, 8, 6, 5, 5) Match 4 Magneto vs a Battalion of Nazi Soldiers Omaha Beach, Normandy, D-Day Oddly enough, Magneto knew not only where he was, but when he was as well. For being just recently catapulted through time and space, this is fairly impressive. Magneto wondered whether this is a dream, for it indeed is a dream come true for him. He had spent the entirety of what we now call World War II in a German concentration camp. His powers weren't really under his control then and he always dreamed that he could have done something to wreck the Nazis and their plans. Now was his chance. He saw two Allied landing craft heading towards the beach. His metal sense warned him that there were mines below the water line, so he levitated them and hurled them into two machine-gun pits on a hill overlooking the beach. The pillboxes exploded as Magneto began to laugh maniacally. These pathetic excuses for human garbage could not stop him. Nazi troops began to spill out onto the beach into trenches and other premade fortifications. Magneto grabbed all of the barbed wire that he could reach and sent it scything across the open ground. Every soldier that didn't drop to the ground was cut to ribbons as the animated wire did its deadly dance. A few of the Nazis finally noticed the man in red and purple armor and called in for an artillery strike. Foolish men. The artillery shells stopped in mid air above the mutant, slowly and deliberately turned around, and returned along their original trajectories, decimating the Nazi artillery positions. By this time, Allied troops are beginning to land, but none are getting out of their boats. They have seen the utterly impossible dance of metal that has wrecked the Nazis positions and are not sure what to do. Several are crossing themselves and others are on their knees thanking God. Magneto would normally go ahead and kill all of the so-called humans, but Nazis have a special place in his black heart. A few Nazis have tried firing on him with small arms, but their bullets are harmlessly falling to the ground. Magneto isn't even bothering to return them to the guns that fired them, for he is thinking of a crueler way to kill the remaining troops. After a short time, Magneto comes up with a poetically appropriate punishment. He has herded the remaining soldiers into one part of the beach with his animated barbed wire. The Germans are broken, the fight has totally gone out of them, they have dropped their weapons and are pleading in German for mercy. Magneto is not finished with them though. He levitates a fuel truck over them final group of Nazis, dumps out all of the diesel fuel on the top of them, and then detonates one of the grenades that the soldiers are still carrying. This ignites the fuel, and the Nazis are all set on fire. They try to put out the flames, but Magneto has now tied them all up with the wire, and he watches as they all burn to death. John Madden: Wow... he really hated those guys. I like the arena a lot. It gave the Nazis a sort of home field advantage, not that it ended up doing them much good at all. I give the effort an 7 due to a fifteen yard personal foul penalty from that late hit, I mean, they had already surrendered after all. JRR Tolkien: I agree on the arena, but I thought what was most impressive was the animated barbed wire. That would have hurt... a lot. I don't normally cheer to see anyone butchered, but Magneto couldn't have done it to any worse of people. Sadism is disturbing, but there was a degree of poetic justice involved, so I'll give him a pass. 8 from me. Comic Book Guy: Wow is right. Magneto had a grudge to settle and he did it with style. The only possible way that could have been better would be if Princess Leia and Xena Warrior Princess were somehow involved. Best. Nazi. Killing. Ever. 9 from me. Steven Spielberg: Man, people said my depiction of D-Day was intense. However, Magneto used style, power, and finesse to wipe out the Nazis in their most fortified of locations. He's got to earn a 10. Mr. Obvious: This is a 10, people!! Killing Nazis on D-day was the dream of just about anyone that lived during WWII. Magneto, living out his dream did exactly what he should have done. No mercy was given for there was only justice dealt out. Magneto completeed his ride flawlessly! Owl: A raging performance, to be sure, showcasing Magneto's many talents in the realms of electro-magnetic manipulation, compounded by the choice of an arena which was, to be fair, mostly in the Nazi's favor, and adding in the... Oh fine! I give him a 9.5. Is it really necessary to hurry on so? Winston Churchill: 9. Masterful manipulation of the elements. Superlatively executed. Worth every accolade! I would have to say that I am somewhat biased however. (That'll teach that Mr. H. to bomb my estates!) Final Average Score: 8.93 (7, 8, 9, 10, 10, 9.5, 9) Match 5 Paksenarrion vs a Batch of Dementors Morgul Vale, Middle Earth Elizabeth Moon: Paksenarrion strides cautiously up the dark trail. Looming ahead is the foreboding castle of Minas Morgul. Looking at the evil castle the paladin gives a shiver of loathing. Looking up Paks sees that the real emotion is now floating in the air toward her. The first five Dementors land around her. Swinging her sword from her sheath into an attack in one fluid motion, she slices the head of the first from it�s shoulders. Lee Jordan: Wait! Can she do that? I didn�t think Dementors could be cut! Moon: Of course, it�s a Paladin�s blade. Perfect for slicing through evil spawn. To prove it Paksenarrion cuts down three more then jabs her blade through the torso of the last of the five Dementors. Jordan: As soon as those five are down, though another seven land and attack the paladin. Moon: Quick as lightning, the Paksenarrion attacks again. Her blade sings through the air taking down four of the Dementors in two strokes. A pair of jabs takes down the next two. Jordan: But what�s this! The last of the seven grabs the paladin by the head. It yanks her head back and leans in close. OH NO! It�s the KISS! Moon: But no! A blaze of light shoots from Paksenarrion�s helmeted head. The Dementor is instantly fried to a crisp. The remaining eight Dementors had begun to descend and the nearer four join their late comrade in turning to ash. Paksenarrion turns and a beam of light projects from her hand. It strikes each of the Dementors down one by one. Lee Jordan: Well, if you�d told me before I�d see Dementors skewered like shish-ka-bob, I�d have called you a fool. I�ve got to give her a 9. J.R.R. Tolkien: She didn�t allow the fear of the Dementors to gain fuel from the Evil of the valley. Well fought. Worthy of a 9 from me as well. Bobby the Brain Heenan: She fought skillfully for sure, but allowing a Dementor to grab her loses points in my book. I�ll only give her a 7. Ms. Piggy: Well, it is about TIME a WOMAN got in on this action!! I give good old Paks an 8. The battle was clean, but you don't let anything have an inch of roomn in a fight like this! Robert Jordan: I give this one a 8. Owl: Now, HERE I know what to expect. A holy warrior taking on some decidedly unholy foes. I am reminded of my Great Uncle Herkimer standing alone against a flock of Crows, intent on the destruction of... An 8. I give an 8 Uther Lightbringer: 8. Light be praised, we Paladins shall always emerge triumphant, whether we be of Earth, Azeroth, Toril, or, um... wherever that Paks-woman is from. Final Average Score: 8.14 (9, 9, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8) Match 6 Darth Maul vs. a Phalanx of Spartans Thermopylae, Greece Alexander: Let's see if Darth Maul can succeed where the 10,000 Immortals could not in this rematch of the epic battle of Thermopylae. "THIS IS SPARTA!!!" screams Leonidas classically. One of his hoplites turns to him, "Highness, though we be Spartans, this is, um, technically Thermopylae..." "What? Do you really want me to shout 'this is Thermopylae?' I just doesn't have the same ring to it. By the time I finished shouting the battle would be over! I mean, seriously..." Leonidas is cut short as Darth Maul impales him on his lightsaber. The Sith Lord has surprised them all, coming out of nowhere, doing an aerial into the middle of the Spartan formation in order to strike down their king first. This move leaves the Spartans instantly demoralized, and is followed by several force-amplified 360-degree spins which strike down the King's elite bodyguard. Maul then follows this with an intense Force Push Wave, throwing the bodies of the recently slain into their living compatriots and knocking them to the ground. Darth Maul proceeds to slice, carve and generally brutalize the disoriented Spartans as they attempt to recover. Maul deals with the last survivors by using Force Crush, which literally crushes the last vestiges of life out of them and leaves their shattered husks to rot upon the wrecked battlefield. Judges J. Jonah Jameson: Well, that was the sorriest mismatched mess that I ever saw. Too bad Spiderman wasn't here to get creamed instead. That two-faced wallcrawler deserves no less! I wanted a fair fight, you know. I wanted to be kept guessing until the end. This isn't a great news story, it's just some silly CNN slaughter. Now, Spiderman vs. the Goblin, that was a fight-- Alexander: And that's about enough out of you. But I guess my vote is biased since I wrote the match. Q: Well my vote is certainly unbiased, for I am an omnipotent being of infinite power, intellectual faculty, and wisdom. And I say this is all just another example of your supposed simian strength. Silly! If that tattooed fool had been toe-to-toe with the Continuum, he would've seen true power in action, not some foolish massacre. There's a great deal you petty mortals can learn from me-- Alexander: And... shut it! Gee, we're not having a great deal of luck with our judges this evening. Hmm, I know how to fix this, I'll invite the most shrewd Sith Lord/Jedi Master in the history of the Force to give his opinion. Please welcome Darth Revan, the Prodigal Knight! <scattered applause>> Revan: I thought Maul showed an incredible lack of judgment. He should have weighed the value and strategic importance of the Spartan troops before slaughtering them. They could potentially have been of more worth alive than dead. But then again, Maul is reckless and brutal, rather like my own former apprentice, that foolhardy Malak, really-- Alexander: Well, as it appears that we're going to be completely out of luck with judges tonight, we might as well just get their scores and get this over with. Scores: JJJ: 5. At best a 5, really. More like a 4 and a half. Poorly written and badly executed and lopsided. And where's Spiderman? Q: 0. Disqualified. Poor sportsmanship and un-entertaining. Mortals should all be disqualified, really. Revan: 2. Not a bad match, except that Maul is an easily manipulated fool. Prof. Snape: This was a solid 9, in performance. Obviously, the Sith Lord could have done in his enemies without much effort, a mere thought could do it. But no, the Champion of the Lightsabe used all of his tools to dispatch of the enemy. They didn't see him coming, so he loses the point for being unchallenged. Owl: I give a 7 for Darth Maul. Using the element of surprise against a weaker foe wasn't needed. The last time I saw such carnage was when my second cousin Lucifer came upon a nest of field mice. He . . .<Story cut for extreme boringness> Robert Jordan: I give this one a 6. Tazz: Darth Maul gives up home court advantage, but I dunno. I think he was awfully mismatched here. It was just too easy. What do you think Cole? Michael Cole: Agreed. I give him a 6, because he did well. But anyone could have beaten these clowns. Final Average Score: 5.00 (5, 0, 2, 9, 7, 6, 6) |