| The Antarian Chronicles |
| Memory Four: Midnight Meetings Pt 2 _______________________________ Zan: 17 Rath: 17 Eirya: 18 Vonnie: 18 Lillyah: 15 (after she got her own room) __________________________________________ He wrapped his large hands tightly around her waist to help her from the window. It was just high enough that she might hurt herself is she jumped. Setting her lightly to her feet, she smiled that brilliant, light up the night smile at him as she took his hand. "Swimming?" he whispered. She nodded and in no time they were running hand in hand into the night towards the secluded pond in the rear of the grounds. At the water's edge Lillyah dropped her towel and her shift like cover up. Zan wadded in pretending to be testing the temperature for her while in reality he was studying every graceful move she made. "How is it?" They didn't need to whisper this far from the palace, but they always did. There was something too serene and special about this time of night to spoil it with loud voices. "Warmer than usual." "Great." Lilly stuck one foot in daintily to check it herself. It was still a bit cool but warmer than the previous night. Wading into her ankles she stood for a minute taking in the scenery. This was one of her favorite spots and her favorite time. The pond at the edge of the grove in the middle of the night, the stars shining brightly, the light sound of the water lapping at the shore as Zan swam around. Then, it was suddenly too quiet. She turned around in a slow circle but couldn't see anything. Where did he go? "Zan?" she called, turning around again to look towards the palace. He would never leave her without saying something. "Zan?" "Yeah?" the husky reply came, his breath feathering across her temple and suitably scaring the wits out of her. She spun around smacking him on the arm. "You should be ashamed of yourself. You scared me half to death." "I should be thankful it was only half, huh?" he grinned at her. "That's right. What would you tell your mother if you had scared me to death out here?" she raised a brow in challenge. "Oh I'm sure I'd think of something." "Uh-huh, sure," she rolled her eyes at him. Then she saw that gleam in his eye, the one that said she had better run, fast. But it was already too late, he was advancing on her before she could turn around. Backing up slowly she threw her hands out in front of her, shaking her head as the smile slid from her face. "No, Zan." As she retreated his half smile grew as did the cocky look in his eye. "Oh yes, Lillyah." Taking another step back she lost her footing and began to stumble. He seized the opportunity and before she could make a peep of protest she was cradled safely against his bare chest. Wrapping her arms tightly around his neck as he strode towards deeper water she pleaded with him. "No Zan, please don't. Please." He stopped abruptly, looking down at her, "Ok," he said with a small frown, "if you really don't want me to, then I won't." "Really?" she asked disbelievingly. "Yeah," he sighed. "Oh thank you!" She hugged his neck before letting go altogether. He moved as if to drop her legs but at the last second shifted all of her weight to the end of his arms. The full blown smile lit up his face again, she only had time to let out a desperate shriek before she was flying through the air and splashing down in the middle of the pond. Surfacing a few seconds later, she pushed the hair out her face to glare at him. He was laughing so hard he was shaking. "Oh you better watch out mister," she yelled from her side of the pond. "Crown prince or not, you're gonna get it." ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ "Zan?" "Mmm?" He shifted a little so he could see her out of the corner of his eye. She was still staring up at the night sky. "Did- did you talk to Rath at all today?" He detected the hesitancy in her voice right away. She was nervous about something. "Not really. I saw him on my way to speak with my father but we only exchanged pleasantries. He seemed really preoccupied at the time, why?" She released her breath quietly but he heard her non the less. "Its nothing. Don't worry about it." He rolled onto his side so he could look at her fully. "I know you better than that," he said as softly, tracing his finger from the middle of forehead, down her nose and stopping just before her upper lip. "Whenever you say 'don't worry about it' that usually means someone should worry about it. Why are you worried that I spoke with your brother today?" "It's nothing Zan," the impatience that he was not letting this go evident in her voice. He hovered over her, his hand still making lazy trips over her face. She rolled away from him, suddenly uncomfortable with the proximity of his mouth to her's. "Lilly?" She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye after a long pause. He was in the same position a glint of hurt in his eyes. If it was because she moved away or because she wouldn't tell him the truth, she couldn't be sure. "It's nothing Zan," she said again with a false cheerfulness. He obviously didn't believe her. Normally she would have told him what Rath had said and they would have had a good laugh about it, but now she couldn't bring herself to do it. Somehow, it felt wrong. "Actually, there was something important I wanted to talk to you about." She hadn't planned on telling him this ether, she hadn't even told Rath yet, he was going to throw a fit, but she hoped this would divert Zan's attention. "I'm listening." "Your mother spoke with me after dinner this evening. She wants me, next year when I finish school, to start going on some of her diplomatic trips to the neighboring provinces." "Really? That's umm, that's great Lilly," he didn't sound so thrilled about it. In truth, he had never let himself think that maybe she might want a life outside of the palace, away from him, and now that she might be headed in that direction he couldn't force much enthusiasm into his voice, especially when the news was so sudden. She was only 15 after all, wasn't that a bit young to be traveling all over the planet? Lilly didn't seem to notice his lack of heartfelt joy at her news. "Yeah, I'm really excited. I... I've never really felt like I had a place here." She saw the confusion and hurt in his eyes and instantly regretted her careless words. She rushed to clarify the statement, "I don't mean that I don't like it here or that I don't want to be here. This is my home, my family. I meant that everyone else already knows what their life path is. You are going to be king, Vonnie and Rath will be advisors, Eirya will probably be a diplomat like her parents, but what about me? I'm the only one who was never given a direction. I know that should be freeing and I should be happy to not have things laid out for me... but its hard when everyone else you know has a purpose and you feel like you're left to float in the wind." "Lilly..." Zan took her hand. He had no idea she felt like this. She was his best friend and he loved her with all his heart, how could this have escaped him? Lillyah herself didn't realize she had this all stored up inside her. She felt like she had opened some kind of flood gate and it was no use but to let everything come pouring out. "I feel, sometimes, like I'm always being left behind. I'm the youngest so I always end up getting left out of the important things." She rolled onto her side, propping herself on her elbow. "But now, I fell like this could be chance for me to really do something, to see if there really is something out there waiting for me. A chance to find a place where I belong, where I don't feel like I'm tagging along with everyone else." When it looked like she had finally run out of steam, Zan tried to find the words to tell her what he wanted to say. "Lilly..." he reached out and tucked a strand of damp hair behind her ear. "I had no idea." "Its ok," she scooted a little closer, brushing his bangs off his forehead. "I don't think I really did either. I just started talking and ..." "You're wrong though, not about the way you feel, feelings are never wrong, but I want you to know that we, none of us, have ever felt like you were tagging along. Its usually the opposite. I hate it when your not there because you have school and I have to go to some dumb meeting. You do belong here, with me, with us. You always will." "Really?" "Of course, you're like my sis- family, you're family." She had snuggled even closer to him, laying her head on his outstretched arm. "I..." he looked off in the distance, "I don't want you to go, but if it would make you happy, then you should. As long as you do one thing." "What's that?" "Promise to always come back- to me, come back home." She placed a light hand on his cheek to turn his eyes to her's, "Always." ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Zan hoisted himself up over the window sill and nimbly climbed into his darkened bedroom. Beginning to unbutton his shirt he turned around to see Rath's eyes shinning out of the darkness. His hands stilled as the other boy rose slowly from his seat on the bed to his full height. Zan knew this would be coming at some point, he just expected it to be over breakfast. Dropping his hands, he watched as Rath silently approached him. He readied himself for the blow he was sure to receive. He was resolved to not resist, he had sneaked behind Rath's back with his sister, the one things he held most dear. Zan was not so stupid as to think that there would not be repercussions for his actions. Rath advanced on the prince until they were only a hare's breath apart. Looking into his face he searched for the answers he needed. When he didn't flinch, didn't take a step back, didn't attempt a hasty retreat, but held his unblinking gaze, he saw what he was looking for. Taking one step back he let his posture sag, let the fatigue and resignation seep into his features as a small sign of acquiescence. No words had been exchanged but the air in the room was decidedly different. What had just transpired in this room was monumental, not just for two boys and a girl they both desperately loved but for the entire planet. Still, Rath could not let it go without a warning, that was against his protective nature. Something he would never be able to suppress. "If you hurt her," his voice was solid as his body but rough and horse with emotion. "I will take her away." Hearing Zan's gasp, he knew his words had their desired effect. Of course, he could have gone with the old stand by of 'you hurt her and I'll kill you' but he didn't for two reasons. One, he really didn't feel comfortable threatening the life of the crown prince. And two, that short gasp told him that taking Lillyah away would be worse than death, also something he needed to know. For it was only one who would put their own life below that of her happiness, that was worthy of his sister. Without further explanation or conversation, he quietly left the shadowed room. Memory Five: A Kiss to Build a Dream On _____________________________________ Zan: 16 Rath: 16 Eirya: 17 Vonnie: 17 Lillyah: 14 _____________________________________ �Can�t you just tell her for me?� �Zan you�re a big boy,� his sister chided. �That means when you screw something up you have to take responsibility. Besides,� she added in a softer tone, �I think she�ll take it better coming from you.� He ran a hand over his face tiredly. He knew she was right, but he really didn�t want to tell her. It wasn�t that he didn�t want to take responsibility, even thought it had been an accident, it was that he didn�t want her to know he had something to so with what happened. For some reason he couldn�t fathom, he didn�t want her to be disappointed in him. They were her favorites, one of the few things she remembered of her mother, and he and his careless friends killed them. It hadn�t been until this morning that Zan had even known about it. Eirya had woken him up much too early telling him he had to get out to the garden right that minute. He had barely had time to put on his robe as she drug him out the door. Since she was still in her clothes, so he could only guess that she and his sister had just gotten home from wherever it was they disappeared to several times a week. What he saw when he got out to the main yard made his heart clench. Yesterday had been the big celebration for his father�s birthday. There was food and games and favors for everyone in the province. The event was looked forward to all year long. Some of his friends had been playing a consuming game of bartshop on the main lawn for the later part of the day, until the life star had dipped below the horizon. Apparently it had been much more consuming than Zan had realized. At some point during the game they must have gone off the lawn, and been too involved to notice and one of the flower beds had been trampled. Oh but not just any bed, Lillyah�s favorite bed. The dicratuims that were both her and her mother�s favorite flower. She had told him once, quite a while ago, that she remembered her mother with those flowers. They had grown on the path leading up to their front terrace. Lillyah and Rath used to play in the yard while their mother tended the garden. Flowers were extremely difficult to grow in a controlled garden on Antar because of the lack of constant ground water. All water formations, like the pond on the grounds that was installed the day Eirya came to live with them, were antarian made. Lilly�d been growing this bed for over three years. Now they were a total loss, there would be no salvaging of them. Their graceful long stems were broken into a thousand pieces, the petals ripped off and scattered about. Some had even been tracked on to the lawn, having stuck to shoes. There were numerous foot prints in the soil, testament to the amount of young men who had been trampling on one of her only links to her mother. He felt like the scum of the planet for not realizing it sooner and for letting it happen at all. Now he was sitting in the breakfast room talking to his sister and trying to take the coward�s way out. Lilly was one of the nicest people he knew, how was he supposed to do this to her? What would she say? Would she yell and scream or would she cry or worse yet, would she stop speaking to him all together? They had gotten in fights before while they were growing up and only twice had Lilly stopped speaking to him. Both times he felt utterly retched. It was weird �cause he never felt that way when Vonnie or Rath and he got into fights. It was just different with her. Vonnie was right though, while this was not directly his fault, he had to take responsibility. He was going to be King after all. There was a commotion at the door and Eirya burst in out of breath. �Zan... Zan...� she panted, leaning against the table as she caught her breath. He was on his feet in a second, �What? What�s wrong?� �Rath... he�s looking for you... had to run.� �Why is he looking for me?� he asked slowly, gravely afraid of the answer. �Lilly-ah... she�s... she�s out in ... the garden.� Zan�s eyes grew wide in panic. What was she doing out there this early, she never went out before breakfast, did she? He have thought for sure he�d had enough time to think about what he was going to do and tell her before she had to see what remained of her precious flowers. Not wasting another moment, or waiting around for Rath to beat his skull in, Zan took off out the back door that led from the patio to the north lawn. He raced around to the front stopping dead in his tracks when he saw her. She was only visible from the back but it still made him sick to his stomach. Lilly was on her knees in front of the trampled bed, her shoulders slumped over and her head hung low. He slowly approached, kneeling down beside her. �Lilly?� He placed a gentle had on her shoulder. She was holding one of the stems in her hand. It was bent and broken and had one sad, white petal hanging off it�s head. �Do you know what happened?� she asked after an interminable amount of time. She didn�t look at him and her voice was unlike anything Zan had ever heard from her before and made his stomach knot even more. It was hollow, empty, toneless, and something Lillyah had never been as long as he had known her, emotionless. �Lil,� he hadn�t called her that since they were little. �I�m sorry. I- I didn�t want you to find out like this. I didn�t think you would be up so early.� �Oh,� was her only response. �I�m so sorry. It- it was an accident. We didn�t mean to. I swear Lilly.� She turned to look at him and the haunted look in her eyes caused a lump in his throat. �Lilly...� It was a half exclamation, half shocked whisper that burst from his mouth in the form of her name. He pulled her to him wanting desperately to make this better. He'd do anything to take that look out of her eyes. He found his own eyes pricking with self loathing, he had done this to her. She was closer than his sister and he was breaking her. He stroked her back and arms, as much to comfort himself as her, but she remained stiff. Pulling back, he realizing he hadn�t actually told her what happened. He swallowed hard, not letting go of her hand. �Some of the guys- we were playing ball, and, and... it must have been more consuming than I realized,� he explained haltingly. �We must have- gone off the lawn and ...� he trailed off not knowing exactly how to put into words what happened that wouldn�t cause her more pain. �It wasn�t intentional Lil. I�m so sorry though.� He finally met her eyes and found it disturbing that the flicker of pain he saw there now was better than the vacant glaze from before. Lilly squeezed the hand holding hers and smiled sadly at him. �It was an accident. Don�t feel bad. I�m sure nobody meant it.� It sounded, amazingly, like she was trying convince him, not herself, and he felt even worse. �Can I do anything for you?� He wanted desperately to do something, anything to make her feel better. �No, but thank you for asking.� She stood then, releasing her hand from his. She looked into the distance, not speaking directly to him. �I think I�m going to take a walk.� �I could go with you, keep you company.� It was more a plea than an offer but she didn�t grant his request. �No, I�d like to be alone just now.� She didn�t even look back or wait for his response, just walked off towards the wood at the back of the estate. Zan could only watch with a very uncomfortable ache in his heart as she disappeared into the trees and across the bluff. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Two Months Later... �Zan what are you doing?� Lillyah squealed as he covered her eyes from behind. �I don�t believe that you won�t look, just a little insurance for my surprise.� She blew out an indigent huff but didn�t protest. He began leading her slowly through the grounds and around the back of the palace. They approached the pond at the back of the estate that was half shaded by a grove of trees. He walked them around the side of the pond and towards what used to be a vacant plot of dirt. Coming to a stop at the edge of the freshly tilled ground, he glanced over his hard work one last time before showing Lilly her surprise. Zan slowly took his hands off her eyes and came to stand beside her. �Ok, you can open now,� he said softly. Her eyes sprang open and for a second the smile was wiped away by her utter shock. Zan stood with bated breath waiting for her reaction. It wasn�t perfect and it couldn�t compare to the first one, but he wanted her to like it none the less. His heart stopped for a moment when she opened her eyes and her expression blanked out. He watched as she raised a shaking hand to her mouth, while staring wide eyed at his surprise. When she still had yet to say anything, he took a chance and broke the silence. �Do you like it?� He had no idea why his voice sounded so unsure and cursed it for sounding weak. �I- I know its not as nice as yours, but its back far enough that it won�t get trampled, and I thought since we spend so much time back here by the pond in the warm months that we would get to enjoy them more, and its a little shader so you won�t get so warm while your working...� �Zan...� Lilly stopped his unconscious babbling with a hand on his arm. He looked down into her eyes and swallowed thickly, dismayed to find that his throat was feeling so dry. �Its perfect.� �Really?� �Yes. When did you do all this Zan?� �Well,� he scratched behind his ear. Why was the way she was looking at him making him squirm? �Momma and Hishta helped out some. I got up early in the mornings and stole some time away from my school work. These things are hard to grow Lil,� he joked, trying to not focus on the adoring way she was looking at him and the way it made his stomach roll. �But you did. Why? I told you I wasn�t mad. It was an accident, stuff happens, you move on.� �Yeah, I know what you said.� He shuffled on his feet in embarrassment. The thought of her questioning his reasons had never entered his mind and now he wasn�t so sure why he had gone to such great lengths either. �Its just... I felt really bad. I knew how much they meant to you... and, and I couldn�t get that look on your face out of my head, it was driving me a little crazy. I had to do something to make it up and this was the best thing I thought of.� She nodded in acceptance, seemingly satisfied with his confession. �Thank you. This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.� Before Zan knew what hit him, she stood on tip toe placing a sweet kiss of thanks on his cheek. He flushed but she didn�t notice. He took in a shuttering breath of realization as she dropped to her knees to coo at the newly planted flower bed. He watched Lilly run her nimble fingers lovingly over the buds with fresh eyes. His hand raised to his cheek of its own volition to cover the spot where her soft lips had been pressed just seconds ago. A light breeze picked up ruffling the ends of her hair and allowing him to see the shining smile that graced her beautiful features. His stomach rumbled again with the thought that he had put that smile there. His heart began to beat in double time with the realization that he wanted to be the only one to make her smile like that, ever. His knees began to shake and he dropped to the ground next to her. Zan watched her in absolute amazement. How could he not have noticed how completely beautiful she was, inside and out. His lips twitched with the sudden need to return her earlier gesture of thanks. He had to fist his hands to keep from reaching out to touch her hair. Catching him in the act, she cocked her head to the side in question. �What?� The way she said it, barely containing a giggle, made his heart flutter. He couldn�t help the way his blood began to heat and the corners of his mouth lifted at her happiness. �Nothing,� he shook his head, his voice reflecting the same blithe tone as hers. She laughed lightly at him as she sprang up to inspect the flowers on the opposite side of the bed. Zan watched her as the rolling emotions of his sudden revelation crashed inside him and smiled ruefully to himself. Rath was gonna kill him. Memory Six: Something Blue _____________________________________ Zan: 23 Rath: 23 Eirya: 24 Valondra: 24 Lillyah: 21 _____________________________________ "Ok, do you like the blue one or the yellow one?" I held each dress up to my body in turn, asking Eirya which one looked best. "I don't know Lillyah," she sighed, throwing herself dramatically back on the bed. She's lost interest in stuff like this, clothes and make up and shopping, since we came back and Vonnie, excuse me, Valondra changed. I was never really into it that much, but since I was going to all these meetings and negotiations with Zan I felt I had to at least look like I put some thought into looking fashionable. "What does it matter anyway?" she asked leaning up on her elbows. "I thought it was just a short meeting with the core advisors. You could be naked and they wouldn't care if you were there, let alone give notice to what you thought was best." Eirya had very definite ideas on the politics of the kingdom. I don't know why she wasn't more involved. Zan would gladly use all the help he could get with Rath being away. I shrugged at her comment, turning back to my choices. "It is just a small meeting- and then dinner." "Dinner?" She sat up, suddenly all bright eyed and bushy tailed. She was smiling that smile she got when she knew something, and frankly it scared me. I didn't want to know. "Zan doesn't allow dinner meetings." That smile got broader. "I know that." I knew that. "What's your point?" "I'm just saying," she waved her hand around dismissively like she does when she's trying to be subtle but it makes her even more obvious. "You're going to an awful lot of trouble, getting dressed up and all, just for a stuffy meeting with the advisors and dinner with Zan. I'm having dinner with Kyron tonight you know?" There was that freaking smile again. What? Was it, like, some big deal that she was having dinner with her boyfriend. Although that did mean I wouldn't have him as a guard, and there for would probably not have a guard at all during dinner. Zan was pretty strict about who he let overhear our personal conversations. And hey, I am not getting dressed up for Zan. Lets put that to rest right now. "I am not getting dressed up for Zan," I declared, just a tad too loudly. Oh well, can't be a lady all the time. "I just want to look nice. Whether they notice or not, what I wear in an official compactly reflects on Zan and the kingdom." "Mmm hmm." She's nodding at me now, I can tell she's only humoring me. I have no idea what fantasy she has going today, but I'm not really in the mood to play. Suddenly I feel the need to be- not here. "And what does your having dinner with Kyron have to do with anything?" "Oh," there's that smile again! "I was just thinking..." Oh no, she paused and looked at her nails, this should be good. "That leaves you and Zan having dinner all alone, again." Uh huh and her point is? "Uh huh and your point is?" She just smiles and rises gracefully from the bed. Crossing the room, she dutifully pats my shoulder and looks at me like she feels sorry for what an idiot I am. Ok, what am I missing here? She leaves me alone, taking her freaking smile along with her, thank god. I start to panic when I realize I still haven't picked out a dress. With no time to spare I quickly pick up the blue one and head for the bath room. Zan always says its my best color. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ "They're just not looking at the big picture." I wave my fork in the air. The meeting with Zan's advisors really got me riled up. They want Zan to at least consider a compromise with Sininndor and Durton. Just thinking the name makes me shudder. I think I can truly say he is the only person I have ever truly hated. "I know." He's shaking his head making his hair sweep over his forehead. I have a sudden urge to brush it off and let it run thought my fingers. Ok, that was weird. "They don't seem to realize that there is more to his agenda than uniting the provinces." He looks really tired as he says this. "I just wish I knew what my father would have done," he says softly. He looks off into the distance, over my shoulder. Its been almost a year since the King died and I know Zan misses him very much. He doesn't talk about it, but I know he wonders if he can do things the way Vanos would have wanted. It makes me hurt for him. The way things are going with Jannar, I'm not sure Vanos would have known what to do either. Zan doesn't need to hear that though. He just needs my support besides, he'll do a good job. Everything will work out. He's a good leader and a good King, but he would be even better if he would believe it himself. "So, new dress?" This is what he does when he doesn't want to talk about something anymore. He stares off into space then abruptly changes the subject to something light and usually of no consequences. The meeting didn't go too well so I'll let him get away with it tonight, but usually I make him spill. Its not good for him to keep it all bottled up. I smile really brightly, I was wondering if he would notice. Wait a minuet? I was? When, and for god's sake why? Oh, I know. Its because I need to look nice at these meetings, that must be it. Yeah. "You like it? I couldn't decide between this and the yellow." I put down my fork, suddenly I have a funny feeling in my stomach. The main coarse must not have agreed with me. I'll have to ask the cook not to prepare it again. "I like this one," he says. He's smiling again. Good, he should always smile. He doesn't smile enough lately, he has one of those cute little boy smiles that makes you feel all warm inside. "Shades of blue have always been your best colors." See, I told you. He's still smiling as our desserts are placed in front of us. It makes his eyes sparkle and I find myself returning his smile and getting lost in that sparkle somehow. He has really beautiful eyes. The color is so rich with lighter flecks that seem to shimmer in the sunlight. I love the way they look into mine, like they are right now. Its making me feel all gooey. Wait! Did I just have a lusty thought about Zan? Oh great goddess, I did. My throat is suddenly so dry. I reach for my water glass and my hands are suddenly shaking so badly I almost knock it over. What is wrong with me? "Woah." Zan catches my glass before I can make a real mess of things. "Are you ok Lilly? You look a little pale all of the sudden." His brow is all wrinkled as he grabs onto my hand. "You're shaking." The way he says it, you would think I had contracted some kind of incurable disease and it was the end of the world. Ok, there's that mushy feeling again. Maybe I am sick. His thumb is running lightly over the back of my hand and its really distracting me. His hands are so strong but he's always so gentle with me. I remember when I fell and skinned my knee when I was little. He always treated me like glass. And his skin on mine, its so warm. I can feel the warmth jumping from his hand into mind and snaking up my arm. I can't help but wonder what it would fell like to have those soft hands touch other places with their warmth. Ahhh! Lusty thoughts again! Oh my god. Oh my god. Breath, I have to breath. I pull my hand away quickly, hoping it will somehow stop this apparently psychotic episode I'm having, realizing too late that I was rather harsh. He looks hurt. Why does he look hurt? I-I... I can't even think any more. Air, I need some more air. We're eating on the verandah but I need more air, different air. Down by the pond. The pond where he planted the flower bed for me. "Lil?" Oh, he called me Lil. He's standing and coming over next to me, he looks really worried. "Lil, are you ok?" He's squatting next to my chair and brushing my hair behind my ear. My eyes will not obey my command to stop looking at him and too late I feel my cheek turn into his hand. I think I just whimpered. Oh god, this is so bad. Lillyah, listen to me. This is Zan. He is your best friend. He is your King. You do not think of him like this. Do you hear me. You DO NOT! Ok, now there's something else flashing in his eyes. I can't read it but I have a sinking suspicion. No, I will not even contemplate. Air. That's right, I needed air. I stand abruptly almost knocking him back. He stands in front of me, his movements are very slow and measured, like he's afraid I'm going to run. You're darn right I want to run mister. But I can't, damn feet. I just stand there looking up at him dumbly. Very gently he takes my elbow and turns me towards the lawn. "Come on, lets take a walk," his voice is just as soothing as his manor. It reminds me of how careful he was with me when I got back from Jannar. He was really great then. He didn't hover like my brother did. He was just there when I needed somebody to make me feel safe. He never pushed me to talk about it, even though I know he wanted to know. All I can do is nod. What the hell is going on? Since when have I been mute? Ok, so I'm shy in public sometimes, but not with Zan or my family. Who am I and what have you done with the real me? The whole way to the pond I barely register anything but the light possessive (possessive?) pressure of his hands on my back and elbow, and the occasional glances he keeps taking out of the corner of his eyes at me. There's that warmth again and now there's a tingling too. I'm cursing both it and myself. I want the feeling to go away, right now, its scary and I don't understand it. But if it goes away I think I'll curl into a little ball and die. We get to the pond, I have no idea how. We could have flown for all I know. He guides me to sit on one of the benches and comes around to sit next to me. He takes my hand again and we just sit there for a very long time, I think, staring out at the water. Its starting to turn chilly with the lack of light from the life star but I don't feel cold. I've never felt so warm in my life. His arm comes and wraps around my shoulders, his hand gliding comfortingly over my back. I have to fight to keep my eyes open at the sensation. This is so very wrong. Zan turns a little to look at me, concern still outlining his handsome features. "How're you doing now?" I'm looking up at him and my mind just blanks out, all I can do is stare at him. Then, out of no were I just blurt it out. "I love you." There's a silence the likes of which I have never known. I WHAT?! Oh my god. Oh my god. OH MY GOD! Where on Antar did that come from? My heart is beating so fast I think its going to pop out of my body and lay flopping on the ground in a yucky mess. Somehow, I am still looking at him. There is this look on his face... its- I don't know. His entire body has gone stiff, like he's frozen in the moment. His eyes though, they are more than alive. Those beautiful, expressive eyes. Dancing, that's the only way to describe them. His eyes are absolutely dancing with light and happiness. I don't think I have ever seen such overwhelming joy from his eyes and I have seen every emotion possible from them, at least I thought I had. I can't help but wonder if maybe, just maybe I was the one that put it there. Then there is this hope from somewhere deep inside me that wants to see it again, and again, and again. And that's when I realized it. I am in love with Zan. I had been falling in love with him for two years. He had been my everything since I came back from Jannar and I had fallen in love with him. All I could think, aside from 'Oh my god', was that my brother was gonna kill me. Back Next LizzyBell |