PUSH AND PULL
A Fruits Basket Fanfic
Written by Miyu, Vampire Princess
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
This idea was derived from a drabble I wrote and a challenge from Koishii to
write something I normally wouldn't write. Now that the hard part is done...time
to move on. Can Shigure angst? You bet! This part told from his POV. Possible
OOC-ness.
Part Four - Breaking Hearts
It's far too late to say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for not making her leave sooner.
I'm sorry for not being able to help her.
I'm sorry I couldn't protect her.
Why? Oh why?!
I'm sorry, Tohru-kun. I'm so sorry.
"Shigure?"
I barely look at Hatori as he approaches the porch. I take a long drag of my cigarette, a mask of calm on my face despite the warring emotions inside of me. My hand waves him inside. He knows where her room is. I know she'll be in good hands. The worst is over, or so I hope.
So then why...am I shaking?
I feel his hand on my shoulder before his voice echoes in my head, "We'll talk when I'm finished."
I don't even nod as he moves away, already lost in the waves of thoughts and emotions threatening to tear me apart. Smoke from my cigarette pours from parted lips, clouding my vision briefly and bringing with it memories best forgotten. But I can't forget. I will never.
Is this what he intended?
Sick son of a bitch. Damn him!
And damn me too.
I barely lifted a finger to stop him. Correction, I did nothing at all. Absolutely nothing. I simply sat there at my end of the table and watched it all unfold. I should've stopped him the moment I saw him touch her leg. The moment I saw his hand reach for her hip. But something in me sat mystified.
And by the time she was sitting on the table, there was nothing I could do.
Dammit, why didn't I stop him?!
Sure I could've overpowered him in strength. The adrenaline pumping through my veins probably could've helped me snap his neck. Yuki and Kyo would've been proud I'd wager. Even the dog in me was angry. Angry that Akito had invaded its territory. Angry that he had insulted it in its own home. Angry that he had dared to take something that clearly belonged to the dog.
That clearly belonged to me.
It urged me, snarling evil thoughts in the back of my mind. That voice, and the evil thoughts that accompanied them were the only reason I was able to speak. But my body...it was frozen. Functionality was lost to me, although my senses were burning with every sound, every smell in the room.
And all I could do - and the human man in me could do - was watch.
It truly sickens me. I'm no voyeur despite the comments I make, despite the worst thoughts that come to mind. But this...shit! While my body was physically still, there was still one part that reacted to the scene. The same reaction it has when I see Tohru bend over to pick up the laundry basket. The same reaction it has when she's very close. The same reaction it has when I imagine her naked, sprawled helpless on the futon in my study.
Shit, I really am a pervert.
It's not like I didn't think of helping. Of trying to stop him. 'This is wrong! This is wrong,' echoed in my mind. That evil voice in my head wanted me to grab the scrawny piece of excrement by the nape of his neck, toss him out onto the front porch and send him off with a firm trouncing.
And yet, I - and my masculinity - stayed right where it was.
I should've helped her...and not just the kiss I gave her either, although it was all I could think to do at the time. The only thing I could think of to help ease her pain. If I couldn't bring myself to stop Akito, it was the least I could do. Right?
When Akito told me to back down, the voice in my head snarled. He now longer wanted to trounce the creepy son of a bitch. No. He wanted him dead. *I* wanted him dead. And yet, my human body - this damn carcass giving to me as a joke from the gods - refused to move very far. In fact, it decided to settle back where it had been.
Only when it was over and Akito stood to leave the table did I have the ability to move. It was as if I'd been chained, tied in place, and then the restraints were gone. I stood as he did, my eyes blazing cold fire as he readjusted himself in his clothing. And when the bastard smiled at me, I didn't even pretend to smile back. No. For the first time in I think ever, he saw the real me. Even I know it wasn't pretty.
And he still had the audacity to laugh at me.
"Arigato for the fine meal, Shigure-san," he said as he walked towards the front door. "It was most...delicious."
A growl echoed low in my throat and it only made him laugh harder.
"You may want to see to Tohru...and yourself as well," he commented, opening the door. "As long as she's passed out, you might as well make good use of her."
Words poured through my head, but nothing logical formed. Nothing I cared to say to him at the moment anyway. There was no point in making a bad situation worse. I only nodded...and waited. And waited. Finally Akito's laughter died down to a chuckle and he left my house.
I'd never been so happy to see him leave.
"Shigure?"
I manage not to jump, although every nerve in my body does, as Hatori joins me on the porch. I haven't moved since he arrived. Actually I haven't moved from this spot in nearly...what time is it anyway?
"It's getting late," Hatori says, pulling out a package of cigarettes. "I gave her a sedative so she'll sleep. I'll be by again in the morning to check on her again."
"How is she?" The words seem lame, even to my own ears. My eyes fall from the horizon to the ground as guilt - yes, guilt - begins to consume me.
"There wasn't much bruising or tearing," Hatori explains. At the mention of 'tearing', I wince. Was Akito REALLY that rough with her? Why hadn't I noticed?
The answer to that only makes me feel worse.
"A few stitches, a morning after pill and she'll be fine," Hatori continues. If he notices my wince, he says nothing. Taking a long drag of his cigarette, he blows the smoke out of his mouth slowly then finishes, "Physically, that is. Mentally she'll be a wreck. Sure, she'll try to sugar coat her emotions, try to hide from them. But she has to work through them." He pauses again for another drag of his cigarette. "You'll have to help her, Shigure."
"How can I help her?" The question sounds...hopeless. Full of despair. My anger begins to rise again and this time, I can't hold it back. I look Hatori right in the eye and let go. "How the hell am I supposed to help her?! I couldn't do a damn thing to stop him. And what's worse is that I actually could've gotten off on the whole damn thing." I snicker bitterly. "I'm as bad as Yuki and Kyo have always accused me of being."
Hatori looks taken aback, but says nothing. Stubbing out the butt of his finished cig, he tosses it into the can on the floor. Then he lights up another smoke and allows me to continue my rant.
"I can't help her, Ha-san. I got her into this mess in the first place. If I hadn't made that comment to Akito...shit, but that was foolish. I can't believe it. If I'd just kept my mouth shut...he never would've come over here. None of this would've happened. It's the ultimate in rape...both physical and mental. Her and me both! If I'd just walked out without a worn, none of this would've happened. I would never have asked Tohru to leave...."
"Wait a second," Hatori says, surprised. "You asked Tohru to leave?"
I bow my head further and sigh. "Hai."
"Why?"
"I thought...." I sigh again, shaking my head. "I thought that I was protecting her. I knew what I'd said to Akito was stupid. And I knew he'd retaliate." I finish off my cigarette, tossing it aside somewhere in the yard, then run both of my hands through my hair. I turn my back on the railing, leaning against it for support. My eyes lift to see Hatori staring back intently. He won't push me, but he won't leave to he's satisfied either.
"I thought that perhaps it was time she went out on her own. She can do it, Ha-san. She's got a wonderful job. She's independent. I have total faith in her. She's capable of living on her own. Of having a normal life."
"What about Tohru?"
Hatori's question shocks me. "What...about her?"
"Does SHE think she's capable of all that? Living on her own, taking care of herself." He finishes his second cigarette and goes for a third. He's really shaken by this, but he still manages to be logical. I envy that. Hell, I'm downright jealous. "It's one thing to depend on others, and another to depend on yourself."
"I know that--!"
"Do you really?"
I sigh, unsure what point he's trying to make. "I've lived on my own for years."
He nods. "And do you remember how difficult it was? That first apartment of yours wasn't exactly up to the proper health standard."
"It just took a while for the cash flow to kick in."
"And how long was that?"
I think on that briefly. "Nearly six months."
"And what did you eat for six months?"
I take a long drag of my cigarette. "Plain rice curry and ramen."
"You were ill quite often too. I'd never seen you so sick."
I shrug. "It was a rough experience, but I think it made me a better person. Don't you, Ha-san?"
"I won't deny the benefits...and detriments...the experience had on you," he replies. "But how long has Tohru been working? How long will it take for her to save money for her own place?"
"It's not like I charge her rent," I say, almost defensively.
"Does she WANT her own place?"
"Of course she--!"
"Does she, Shigure?" He looks at me skeptically, taking a long pull on the half-smolding paper butt. "If she has this savings you claim...couldn't she have moved out sooner?"
"I...suppose...."
"Shigure, we both know Tohru well enough to know that if it meant that much to her, she would've moved. And we both know that if it means that much to YOU, she'll move." He looks at me seriously. "Do you still want her to move out?"
Shaking my head, I lower my eyes to the ground. "No. To be honest, I never wanted her to move out. I just thought...."
"Sometimes thinking is a dangerous thing for you," Hatori replies. I look up in surprise to find a small smile playing on his lips. Was he just *joking* with me? Oh my fucking god! I don't think I can't take much more tonight.
He stubs out the last of his cigarette and tosses it into the can with the others. As he steps away from the railing he places a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "Go inside, check on Tohru and get some rest. I'll be back to check on BOTH of you in the morning."
With one last sigh, I finish my remaining cigarette and toss it into the car. Clasping a hand on his shoulder, I reply, "Arigato, Ha-san."
"Get some rest, I mean it."
"I'll see you tomorrow."
"Call me if you need anything else."
"Hai, hai. Drive safely, Ha-san."
I wait until his taillights have disappeared before walking back into the house. I feel only a small bit better than before. But Hatori was right. It was premature of me to ask Tohru to leave. I should've known...better. I clearly hurt her feelings and now...this.
I have to fix this. I have to set it right.
But...what if she no longer wants to stay?
Kami, what have I done?
~TO BE CONTINUED~