Chapter Eight: The Point
5 August
Woke up after another Draco dream. I've only mentioned a few of those, though they've pretty much been all I've dreamed about this summer.
I have to write this one down. I have to get it out of my head or I'm going to do nothing but obsess about it all day.
In the dream, school had started. I kept seeing Draco in the hallways, and for whatever reason I was trying to be friendly with him. It was one of those dreams where being friends with him was the natural thing to do. I smiled at him in the halls, and asked him about his day, and then, for no reason, I hugged him. It seemed like a good idea, like that was normal.
But he just looked at me and said,“Would you shove off already? I don't like you.”
I felt like I'd been punched in the heart. He walked off, and I spent the rest of the dream trying to find him and apologize. Just at the end, I think I pulled it off, but I was waking up as it happened, so... I don't know.
It all looks really easy on paper, really simple and easy to forget, but in the dream, it was like I was living in a completely different reality. One where he and I were supposed to be getting along really well. When I ran up and hugged him, he was supposed to hug me back. Something was wrong, and when he said all that, I felt like I could've found some quiet corner of the castle, curled up, and died over that sense of rejection.
There was a lot that was going unsaid in the dream, too. There was this backstory to what was happening, sort of like opening to the middle of a book and reading from there, so you have no idea what's going on. It was like we had been really close (maybe even openly dating), but something had changed. He was moving on, I guess, and had decided he didn't care about me anymore.
Besides apologizing to him, I was also trying to tell him that, even if he hated me, I still cared about him. I don't know why it was so important that he know I still cared. I guess I was trying to let him know that, even if he hates me, I would still be there if he needed someone to talk to.
That feeling was horrible. I felt like I'd been abandoned by the only person I wanted to be with.
I can't shake that feeling, either. It's like the bite-sized version of being near a Dementor.
6 August
Remembered I had some Honeydukes stashed under the floorboard, and thought “If it works on Dementors, maybe it'll work on this.” It helped a little; I feel like doing more than just lay on my side staring at the wall all day.
I went to the library and talked with Mr. Bentley. He commented that I looked a little sad about something. I told him that I'd had this dream about someone I liked throwing my heart in the mud, and I was still really upset about it even though it didn't actually happen.
He, of course, assumed I was talking about a girl. I didn't do anything to change his mind.
“Have you told her you like her?” he asked.
“Well, no,” I said.
“Do you know for a fact that she'll reject you?”
“Yes. She”—haha, I referred to Draco as a 'she'—“told me that she hates me.”
Mr. Bentley looked a little surprised by this, but still thought of a logical response. “I suppose this gives you as good occasion as any to practice compassionate love.”
I looked at him like he was crazy. “How's that?”
“To love someone compassionately is to love them for everything they are, even if part of what makes them who they are doesn't involve loving you back.”
A group of mothers with their children—one of the wizarding homeschool groups for the under-eleven kids—approached the front counter, and Mr. Bentley had to excuse himself to check them out. I sat there and thought about what he said, then just got up and left because thinking about it was only making me frustrated. I kept thinking, “What's the point of loving someone if they don't love you back?”, which kept being answered by “The point is to love them compassionately.” If you love someone for who they are, then it doesn't matter if they don't love you, too. It can be the part you like the least about them, but you still love them anyway.
Sort of like how Aunt Petunia loves Dudley even though he's a disgusting pig. He whines and he moans and complains, and he throws tantrums and he's horribly overweight, but she still loves him.
I realized that and found a sort of admiration for her. Either she's very true to her mothering instinct, or she's really stupid.
There's no excuse for Uncle Vernon, though.
“The point is to love them compassionately.” I didn't like that answer. I still don't. If Draco's not going to respond with similar feelings, then I see no point in being in love with him.
Since I don't have much choice in the matter, getting angry isn't going to help much. It made me feel better for a little while, but it's tiring to be angry all the time over something I have no control over.
It's easier to be angry than just accept that this is how things are.
Why the hell can't emotions make more sense?
Erk... I'm more angry than I thought. I just punched the pillow and it exploded. Was that magic? Or was that just me hitting really hard?
...Shit. That had to have been magic.
*later*
No one from the Ministry has shown up. No owls. I just spent the last hour afraid I'd never go back to Hogwarts.
I was afraid I'd never see Draco again because of it, too. Now I'm just angry at him again. WHY WON'T HE GO AWAY?!
7 August
I wish there were some way of cutting Draco out of my life entirely. Something that didn't involve someone dying. I'm so tired of thinking about him all the time, and I want to either accept that I love him and be able to let it go, or stop loving him so I don't have that weighing on my thoughts.
It would be easier to hate him. If I could make myself hate him, then no one at school would really notice there was anything strange going on; it'd be a lot like old times.
I have plenty of reason to hate him, too. He's rude, he's sneaky, he's self-absorbed, and if for anything else, I can hate him for hating me.
*later*
As much as I want to hate him, though... I feel like a terrible person. I mean, when it comes down to it, I never really tried to know him as anything more than what I saw when we were together late at night. If I still wanted to be with him, then obviously I saw something there that was worth holding onto, even though he's such a berk most of the time. I don't understand why I want to be with him, especially when I have more reasons not to be.
8 August
Aunt Petunia reminded me this morning that Dudley and Vernon are coming back on the fifteenth. Unless, of course, Dudley makes it to the final competition, then he comes home on the twenty-third. I feel sorry for whoever he's fighting, but I still hope he makes it to the finals. I got a letter from Mrs. Weasley asking if I want to go stay at The Burrow after she takes Ron, Ginny, Hermione and me school shopping on the 20th, which would mean going without seeing Dudley the entire summer.
Sounds like a dream come true.
I still have to deal with Aunt Petunia, but it feels like we've reached a sort of truce for the time being. I still have to do all the cleaning up, but she's nicer about it now. The order to clean isn't enforced by a threat.
I think she and I would've gotten on much better if Dudley and Vernon had never been part of the picture. More reason not to like either of them.
Oh well. Too late now, I guess.
12 August
I've come to a sort of acceptance, over the past few days, that I'm never going to have anything with Draco, and I can let it go. It's not going to be easy to just ignore him after all the frustration I've dealt with this summer, and the few occasions where I'll have to deal with him a lot will be difficult, but the other option involves a lot of crying in public. Or Draco rejecting me to my face again, which I'm pretty sure I can't handle after that stupid dream.
Aunt Petunia got a call from Dudley today. I know it was Dudley because of how ridiculously she started talking. “Oh my ickle Dudders, are you enjoying your stay darling?” Horrible.
Dudley's made it into the final competition, and Aunt Petunia fussed over how brave he was, how delicate he is and whether or not he's been injured, and then how well he's doing and how proud she is. Vernon must've gotten on the phone then because her tone became more normal and she told him, “Oh, he's been no trouble. I know, calm before the storm, but he'll be leaving soon and won't be back for the rest of the summer.” That's about the nicest thing Aunt Petunia's ever said about me. Not bad.
As soon as she realized I'd heard that much of the phone conversation, though, she sent me out to weed the garden until dinner time, and since the garden hasn't been weeded for weeks it was overrun. That was irritating, but it's a step up from being locked in my room.
15 August
I've been thinking, lately, about the night I told Draco we had to stop meeting. I hadn't been entirely sure I was going to end it that night, but when he rushed forward like that, I felt really excited to see him and then really upset because I knew he didn't do it for anything other than wanting to get off. I almost went along with it anyway, thinking I could end it after we were done, but I didn't think I could go through with it with that in mind. I ended it, and I bet not waiting until after we were done—or he was, at least—was the most frustrating part for Draco. Which makes sense, since he went along because he wanted to get off.
I've wondered a lot about what would've happened if I hadn't ended it. I'd have probably spent the summer trying to get over the emotional attachment and convincing myself that it was all just for the sex instead of getting over the emotional attachment and convincing myself I can love him without dating him.
Agh. Dating Malfoy... A year ago, that thought would've been disgusting for anyone to be doing. Now, though...
Huh. I guess people change.
I keep thinking that in a year or two, this whole mess will look really silly. Stupid, even. Right now, though, it just hurts. I want it to stop. I want to stop obsessing over it. I want to stop thinking about it altogether.
At the same time, when I consider having someone obliviate me, I get scared. I don't want to forget any of this ever happened. I don't want to forget about him. I just don't want to think about it like this anymore. The way things are just make me angry. Can't I skip this part and go straight to looking back on it without any attachment to it?
18 August
I'm already packed to go to the Weasley's. Mostly, anyway; I've still got this journal out, and some remaining chocolate that I'm pretty sure I can finish by the twentieth.
No more dreams of Draco. No fights with Aunt Petunia. No Dudley, no Uncle Vernon, no doubt that this next school year will start without a hitch. Or less of a hitch than years past, at least.
I still think about Draco. A lot. I don't want to, but when I think of stopping I get this knot in my stomach, so I just let it go. I can't think of anything else to think of, besides things like Voldemort or NEWTs, and those are things I REALLY don't want to think of. Draco may be hard to think about, but he's safer. Which is a really weird thought and not something I would ever admit to out loud. Draco Malfoy should not be 'safe' to Harry Potter. But for the purposes of just thinking, he's less scary. He's less likely to happen, while the other two are inevitable.
19 August
Leaving tomorrow! No Dudley, no Vernon, and a less mean Aunt Petunia for this summer! This has been the best summer ever, or would be if it weren't for the whole Draco thing. But I'm in too good of a mood to think about that right now, because tomorrow I am LEAVING!
Ron owled and said that his mum would be flooing in tomorrow in the late morning, so I've let Hedwig out to hunt and told her to be back by sunrise or she'd have to fly to The Burrow on her own. I'm pretty sure she understood, though she didn't seem impressed by the idea of 'having' to fly to The Burrow; she'd have no problem with that.
Spent a little time this morning being annoyed with Draco for constantly being in my thoughts. I don't blame him, exactly. Technically, it's his fault, since he's living, but it's mine too. I fell for him, after all; he never forced me into it.
I read that last sentence over again and wondered what my inner twelve year-old is thinking of that. He's probably horrified.
I went to the library one last time to say goodbye for the summer to Mr. Bentley, who told me to say hello to Madame Pince and wished me a good seventh year. I don't know what I'll do with myself after this school year, but I'll have to make sure it gives me time to come visit Mr. Bentley once in a while.
Going to try to sleep, now. Mrs. Weasley probably wants me to be dressed and ready when she arrives.
20 August
It's very early in the morning. I'm already washed and dressed and ready to go. Hedwig is in her cage waiting. I can't wait to go; I want to see the Weasleys again, and Hermione, and Diagon Alley even. This day is going to be great.
*Later*
Oh my god. Whoa. What... Agh. There are no words for this day. I'm confused and stunned and just... whoa.
I saw Draco today and... uhm. Shit, there's just not enough time right now to write what happened.
Oh My God. What the hell DID just happen?