Author: ~*MadMax*~
A/N: Warning! If you don't like Drama/Angst stay away from this fic!!! This is a oneshot in the POV of Wufei, during Meiran's funeral. I wrote this fic a looooong time ago, and just decided to post it, lol�I think its crappy, but I did write this fic like, what�2 years ago?!?! Well, enjoy.
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I adjusted my tie, breathing in heavily. This is it. Buddha give me courage. I walked with the others, some shot death glares at me as they passed by, some gave me sympathetic looks as if they understood my pain. I ignored both. Soon I came to the large doorway, Oh, God, it's open casket.
In the distance I could see an extravagant, long brown coffin, completely surrounded by bouquets of flowers. My bouquet was just above the coffin, a large heart of roses that she used to love. I started to tremble; I put my shaking hand over my face to hide my distress. I could hear the sobs that echoed out the large room. I could feel their grief, their depression. It engulfed my heart like a silent shadow, squeezing away life. I will not cry. Biting my lip to keep the tears from squeezing out, I stepped in and slowly walked toward the mass of people, some burying their faces in tissues, some clutching to their loved ones, sobbing bitterly. I felt guilt, guilty for not being able to save Meiran, guilty for causing so much pain. I clenched my fists and bit back tears; I will be strong, for Meiran. I saw Meiran's parents, kneeling before the coffin.
Her mother's face was buried in her husband's shoulder, sobs racking through her chest. Meiran's father said nothing to comfort her, there was nothing comforting to say, so he simply stroked her black hair, allowing tears to roll down his cheeks. I twisted the hem of my suit nervously, my feet paced, I was all riled up, trying not to break down from all the depression I felt around me. I tried not to cry, in spite of all the guilt, blame, and sorrow I was feeling. I held it in, like a man?
An old woman saw my anguish and laid a gentle hand on my shoulder. With eyes full of sorrow I glanced up to see Meiran's grandmother, not angry as I had expected, but her eyes seemed to tell me she had accepted Meiran's death, and didn't blame me.
"Come. We walk." She said in English with a deep Chinese accent. With her hand still on my right shoulder she guided me out of the funeral, out of the depression and sorrow. I instantly felt relief, I was out of the pressure and I wasn't fidgeting so much. She felt my shoulders slacken as soon as I walked through the room; they were so tense and stiff in the funeral room.
"I don't blame you for what happened to Meiran, Wufei. I've accepted her death, that she's gone, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It's time to forgive yourself, Wufei. There's nothing you could have done to save her, nothing could have prevented her death.� We walked in silence downstairs; and as we finished the last step she spoke again, startling me a bit. �Do you believe in fate, Wufei?" We stopped walking, and she looked directly into my eyes, her dark orbs piercing into my soul.
"I don't believe in fate because I don't like the idea of not controlling your life. I-I hate fate!" I whispered shrilly.
"You are in control of your life. Fate is what you'll end up with, always. Meiran's fate was unfortunate, but that is the way fate is. Maybe her death is a good thing, maybe something good will come out of it. Life is unknown; every step we take alters the world we live in. You can't blame yourself for something that was meant to happen."
"The others do." I said sadly.
"You must understand that they are so sad, so overcome with grief, that they will blame the first person they see. But in their hearts, Wufei, they know that it wasn't your fault."
I bowed my head in silence, digesting her words. Perhaps she is right. But I never believed in fate or destiny. Nothing could control anyone. Nothing could control me. I would make sure of that, and I will justify this crazy world, whether fate likes it or not.
We walked over to the coffee machine, which was served free, I punched in my order and the dark liquid came pouring out, steaming and piping hot. We sat in silence, sipping our coffee; I stared down at the muddy liquid, wanting to get lost into the deep depths. Finally Meiran's grandmother gestured that we should go back, and I disposed of the paper cup. We reached back to the funeral; I took a deep breath and walked in. Again I felt the horrible, nauseating wave of depression, guilt, and grief.
Meiran's parents were sitting in chairs, looking quite miserable. I walked to the edge of my wife's coffin. It didn't look anything like her, makeup was so thickly caked on her faces and arms she was hardly recognizable. She was dressed in a white gown, her hair spilled around her lively looking face (courtesy of the makeup piled on her face), her fake-looking hands clutching a cross at her once beating heart. She looked like she was in pain, when she had died in my arms she was smiling, here she looked tired, as if she were worn and beaten. She is worn, you baka. She is dead! It was odd to stare at a dead person, my eyes hallucinated and I imagined her chest rising and falling, as if she were asleep. I am a widow�Reality knocked me back like a battering ram, and I chocked back a sob.
A handful of men entered the room, gathering around the coffin. I looked at my wife for one last time, and clasped my hand with hers. I nearly yelped at the odd feeling. Her hands! I gasped, her hands were as hard as rock, like knocking on a door, and they were beyond cold, freezing ice-cold. I didn't feel comfortable, holding her lifeless hand. I dropped it in disgust, my face contorted into pain, remembering that I had caused this lifeless hand. I did this! I let Meiran die!
And then; I cried. I leaned on the coffin for support, the sobs racking my soul. I covered my face with my hand, allowing the tears to flow around my fingertips and cheeks. I felt a small hand on my back, rubbing soothingly in circles, trying to ease my pain. I lifted a finger from my eye to see the sympathetic face of Meiran's grandmother. Tears shone on her pale face, "She's in peace, now. Do not weep."
I sniffed, wiping the tears on my sleeve, the grief eating at my heart, threatening to devour my soul. I felt lower than life, I felt pathetic for being so weak and not being able to save Meiran. My chest shuddered as I started to take long, painful breaths. I watched as the men, not caring about the sorrow of all the people, as they quickly shut the coffin and started to hoist it. Sobs, whimpers, and cries of grief echoed throughout the room as they shut the door of the coffin. "Why?! Oh, Why?!" Meiran's mother yelled in sorrow, then collapsed in her husband's arms, sobbing bitterly.
Again I felt guilt; there was no way around it. Like a heavy shroud cloaking my whole body, a burden on my back. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
This is the most miserable, horrible day of my life. I will never forget this as long as I live. I will never marry, ever, ever again. I will never have another friend or companion, I will never care about someone ever again, so I don't have to go through this all over again.
I decided firmly as I walked out, the sobs of others tearing at my heart. I got into my car, leaning against the steering wheel, I started to cry again. My shoulders shook with pain and guilt, finally I lifted my head, sniffed and turned the key to start the ignition. I followed the other cars, and finally we reached a church. I parked and quickly entered the church, I did not kneel or take holy water as I entered the church, It's your fault! I looked accusingly at the large crucifix at the front of the church. I entered an aisle, and sat on the bench, sitting far from the other people.
The priest came, and started to preach in a language I did not understand. He must have said something very moving, because Meiran's parents wept knowingly in the benches at the front. A young man started to sing in a beautiful, but sad sounding voice. The priest must have told them to kneel in prayer, because everyone decided to do so. I, however, refused to. I will not kneel to you! Finally when the sermon was over I sulked back to my car. Angry at someone I wasn't sure I thought existed, angry at the world for allowing this injustice to happen. Most of all I was angry with Buddha for letting Meiran die. And I vowed to help rid the world of injustice.
We drove to the cemetery where Meiran was to be buried. It was on Meiran's field of flowers where she would rest in peace. Meiran loved her flowers so much she had died to protect them. Foolish Meiran! I walked near the hole. I saw Meiran's siblings staring at the ground miserably. They blame me, don't they, I thought miserably. A boy about my age looked at me and walked over.
"It's so dear to me that you have come, Wufei. You know we don't blame you."
I looked at his puffed red eyes and trembling lips, forcing to curve into a smile. He must have been Meiran�s brother. I could hardly contain my own tears, just by staring at him. His grief was evident, radiating from his soul; a person a mile away would feel it. And still he managed to smile. I felt tears well up in my eyes, and quickly turned away so he could not seem them. I ran from the spot, unable to contain my sorrow. Tears streamed down my face as I ran, fleeing the funeral like a coward. I jumped into my car and drove back to my apartment. Sighing in relief as I flopped down on the moth eaten couch. I couldn't forgive myself for what I had done, the pain I had caused to so many people. I tried to sleep that night, and failed miserably, thrashing under the covers, screaming a name that didn't exist anymore, that didn't live anymore. All because of me. I gave up trying to sleep and stared at the ceiling.
Buddha, if there is a God, please, let me see Meiran. Let me know is she is okay.
Shortly after that, I fell asleep.
I was surrounded with flowers, pink and white. Meiran's favorite. I saw a figure standing beside a tree, twirling her body around and around, causing the mass of flowers to whirl around her body like a tornado. She laughed, on her face stretched a smile, a wide, joyful smile. She stopped and stared at me, her long black hair settling to her shoulders. Flowers began to drop on her head. I walked towards her cautiously, my bare feet brushing against the morning dew.
"Wufei," she said sadly as she looked at my tear stained face "Don't be sad. I'm happy here, and it's not your fault I died. I will never leave you.� I reached out to cup her cheek, to see if she was real. �Do you understand?" She said softly, and snatched a pink flower petal that snagged on her hair. I shook my head sadly. �I will never understand.�
"Here.� she opened the palm of my hand and placed the petal inside it, "Remember me, Wufei. With this rose petal." She then closed my hand and kissed it. She laughed and ran back into the mass of flowers, when they cleared away, she was gone.
I woke up from my dream, was that a dream? I looked at my clenched fist, and inside it was a red rose petal.
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Comments: *sniff* Sad...I probably won't write a fic like this ever again but since I've been to a lot of funerals, I couldn't resist. If you think it's OOC for Wufei to cry for Meiran, well, remember that he was only 14 at the time! And also, he cried for Treize too. Oh well. I waned to make it SEEM he has a heart. LOL! Poor Fei-fei! Anyways, please review!!
All images and content belong to Black Ink on White Scroll
